An Ecology of Hell on Earth (a prose)

4 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1233
Reviews 52
On this plane or rather these plains of Hell on Earth. there is a world called "THE field of battle".

The Armageddon of this place is relative and universal.

The distant seas boil with torpedoes and depth-charges.
Leviathan battle ships and Krakenine Under-boats surf on the tides and currents.
the seas are red with the dead of sunken vessels.

The skies are blackened with Harpies.
These Wailing War-worn half-bird wenches birth hell-bombs for their patron nations.
They wheel about fusillade pantomime of a sky slowly turning green with explosive residues.

On the ground, men so brave and cowardly they charge like the Bulls of Heaven and yowl like Hounds of Hell.
These are Men so vicious and numerous they are great beasts individually and a pestilence enmasse.
The foot-soldiers are roaring Lion-Headed Locusts.
They swarm when they storm and sting like scorpions with their bayonets.

"THE field of battle" is made barren as the Locust-soldiers devour the crops of Nihilism seeded and sown there.
As they feed they are made aware that they are insects clinging to blades of Forged-Iron Grass.
The Grass that wraiths in unison under the Winds of Time as much it flails against itself in the River of Power.

When the crops of Nihilism are depleted the Locust-soldiers drop away and die.
"THE field of battle" is decomposed to dust by a fungal wave of Mushroom Clouds.

As this observer retrieves his vision and returns it to his distant vantage:
"THE field of battle" gives way to the flames.
The flames fail to prevail against a Mountain.
The Mountain is tumbled unto its tip and tucked away by Gaia's Tectonics.
Then even she is held under the sway of the Universe.
After all, the Universe is simply the Endless Ocean of Power of the Infinite Sky of Time which the Rivers and Winds are only tributaries to.

This observer sees this and thinks on the Crops of Nihilism.
The coarse bread that grain would produce comes to his mind.
He doubts its worth as sustenance.
However, a curiosity of the taste haunts him.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Hi Monument!

I think this poem might have tried too hard as far as bombarding us with images. It looks more like a checklist than a poem because it lists the images that are visible without really relying on any other sense. So, to flesh out the poem a little bit, consider adjusting the description so that it covers all the senses. You won't have to work so hard on the visual aspects then (which is a good thing!) and instead get to rely on several different senses to really make this poem alive.

Best of luck editing! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1639
Reviews 261
I'm going to expand a bit on what Snoink said. For me, this was complete sensory overload. There really was no end to the metaphoric or symbolic descriptions, and it got to the point where I felt like you were trying too hard. In all honesty, less is usually more and this piece is no exception. I would suggest maybe finding some more subtle ways to convey your story, and use less.

Also, there were a few spelling errors that you might want to look over, and I'm wondering why you put "The" in all caps at certain parts. Is there a particular reason for it? 'Cause I don't see the use.

As far as style goes, I'm not sure I like this. To be honest, it wasn't just your descriptions that dragged on, but also nearly every line or sentence. You call this a prose (I've never really heard of that being a form of poetry before, but I may be wrong), but in my opinion prose should be prose and poetry should be poetry. It's really odd to me to combine them so noticeably. I would suggest trying a different form next time and see how that turns out. :)

Hope I could help a little, and good luck!
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1233
Reviews 52
Thanks guys I'll see what I can do!



Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White