A Single Sentence Saved My Life

Chapter 1: Kate
Dear Diary,
I guess this is the last time I will be writing because as of tomorrow, I will no longer be here. I haven't decided whether to put a bullet through my head or hang myself but what I do know is that after I am gone I will be much happier. There is only so many years a fifteen year old girl can take being touched by her father in ways no one should be touched except for his wife and even then I'm not sure it would be appropriate.
-Kate

Glancing at the clock, I realize he should be here any minute and undress completely, laying on my bed I await for the torture.

Not seconds later, he walks in, and because my mom is away on business he doesn't even bother to close the door. I can't say she has been the best parent but at least she does her best and loves me for who I am, not what she can do with me. Taking of his robe, which he is naked under, he climbs onto my bed and on top of me. Tonight goes the same as every other night has gone for the past three years; him feeling around and forcing himself farther and deeper into me with each thrust bringing on more pain as I just lay there completely limp with tears streaming down my cheeks until he has finished pleasing himself.

He gets up, puts he robe back on and looks at me and says that if I ever tell anyone he will put a bullet through my head. This strikes me as hysterical, but not in the laugh until your sides cramp up hysterical, but in the thats super ironic but sad hysterical since as of tomorrow, he won't be able to do that anymore especially because I have already planned that for myself. I get up to put on my pajamas, and wincing from the pain I slide into bed and fall asleep thinking about how I will never have to go through that again.



I wake up to my alarm that I had set early enough so I can write a note to my mom who is getting home tonight, but not before I've ended my life. To tell you the truth I really don't want to die, but dying is better than having to go through another night like last night. I grab a piece of paper, a pen and start to write.

Dear Mom,
I know you do not understand what I have done, or why I have done it and I don't expect you to. If I could explain my reason to you in a single sentence it would sound like this. Three years ago I lost my virginity to my own father and if I had a virginity to loose, I would have lost it again every night since then, once again, to my father. I hope you now have and idea of why I have done what I have done, though I know you really don't. I want to let you know that I don't really want to die but I couldn't find any other solution. I promise you I am happier than I have ever been since that dreaded night three years ago.

I love you so much. I want you to continue on with your life like this never happened though I know that is like asking the world to stop spinning. I also want you to know that you are in no way a contributor to my decision but if you want to know who caused my to do what I have done, read dads letter though I'm sure who's fault it is, is already clear. Again I love you so much, and wouldn't hurt you like this if there was any other way out, but unfortunately there isn't.
Love,
Kate

I folded the letter up, slipped it in an envelope, wrote “Mom” on the front and put the envelope in my desk drawer. I look at the clock and decide I have enough time to write a note to my dad before I need to get ready for school, especially since it is going to be short. Once again I grab a piece of paper and begin to write.

Dad,
It's your fault and you know why. If you don't, what did you do last night? If that still doesn't clear up any questions then that's your own problem because you obviously don't understand how wrong and messed up you are if you think what you have done is acceptable. I'm going to ask you for one favor and based on how many times you've hurt me, I think I am in the position to ask this of you; don't hurt anyone else the way you have hurt me and the way you are going to hurt mom when she discovers what she has done.
-Kate

Notice how I don't put the word love in there anywhere. There is a reason for that. I don't love him. I know you are supposed to love family no matter what, but at this point I don't even consider him family after all the things he has done to me, all the times he has hurt me and hasn't cared.

Again, I slip this note into an envelope, write “dad” one the front and slip it into the same drawer as the one to my mom.

Hello Soccer! I am Esther Sylvester and I shall be reviewing your piece today! Let's get down to it. I will do the painful nitpicks first! (I'm reviewing this as a novel)

NITPICKS:

Put the opening diary entry in italics, since it is technically a letter and not a solid part of the story. Do the same for the letter she writes to her mother and father. This is a little nitpick, but it will make the piece look better.

Glancing at the clock, I realize he should be here any minute and undress completely, lay on my bed and wait for the torture.

Misplaced comma AND modifier here! The sentence is implying that it is the father that is laying on the protagonist's bed and waiting for torture. I don't think that is what you wanted the sentence to mean, so edit it.

When writing a letter, you seperate the the name of the person whom you are writing to from the body of the letter, so it would be like:

Mom,

I love you and all that.

NOT

Mom, I love you and all that.

Again, this is a small nitpick, but it would look better if fixed it.

Okay! Done with the nitpicks. Those are never fun; I don't enjoy doing them. Now onto the actual review!

PLOT:

As with all first chapters, I don't know what the exact plot is yet so I cannot judge. However, I would recommend not letting the somewhat cliche plot trick of a father abusing his daughter overwhelm the piece too much. Remember to add parts that remind the reader that this isn't just a typical story of a young woman overcoming abuse. (I assume that the main character will not actually commit suicide.) Cliches are your best friend and your worst enemy. Use them as examples, but don't let them control how the piece will turn out.

Next, I am not feeling much emotion from the story, which is unusual because this is on such a horrible subject. The problem is that you have failed to provide enough information for the reader to connect with. That is, we don't know who the character is and we don't know where she has come from, so we don't really care. I think it would be a good idea to give exact detail on how and when her father started abusing her. Did he drink? Is he sick of his wife? What are his motives? If we are with Kate when the whole incidents began, then we will care for her more in the present. Right now you are saying "I've been abused", but that won't cut it. Provide more details in this chapter or in future chapters, but I think this chapter would be better.

CHARACTER:

I know nothing about the father, but I don't have to. He isn't that important. I wish I knew is motives, but you can handle that later. Kate, on the other hand, needs a little fleshing out. You are stating how she feels about this, but the reader doesn't feel attached to her because she is just simply saying her feelings, you know what I mean? Rather than just telling us how she feels, go and take it a little further and SHOW us how she feels. Let us see her sorrow from her actions as well. Obviously she isn't completely functional. If she were, she wouldn't be killing herself. Go into a little more detail on the way she behaves. You can cover this in later chapters, but it would be valuble here in the first as well.

FLOW:

You have a few run on sentences, a little bit of comma splicing, and some jumpy paragraphs here. Nothing a little editing won't fix. I won't point everything out, but microsoft word or even Wordpad should be able to spot out mistakes. As for your paragraphs, some clearer transitions wouldn't hurt.

OVERALL:

This was quite good, and I am very eager to see what happens next. Since this is the case, you have accomplished your job as a writer, so good job! What this piece needs is a little more detail and emotional attachment. Show the readers what happened to Kate before she decided to kill herself. Just saying that she was abused for three years isn't enough information, as we don't have a good idea of what she actually went through. Show, don't tell. Remember to have her give off emotions and behaviors rather than just stating them. Check your paragraphs to make sure they transition well, and format your story so it is correct, as your letters and diary entries just look like normal paragraphs.

WHAT I LIKED: I liked the darkness of the piece, and its character. You made me wonder what is going to happen next. I feel emotion, although not as much as I could, and that makes me happy. Remember, your job as an author is to make people feel things!

Okay, well now that that monster is done, I'll say good bye. Keep up the good work, Socks. I hope this review made sense and helped you a little!

Esther

Hey,

I applaud you for being able to write in such a difficult characters voice. This is a pretty taboo topic and to be able to pull it off, it needs to seem real. I personally, know nothing about incest, consensual or not, but I'm just warning you, be careful not to be too outrageous or not outrageous enough. I like your character but I feel as if she isn't really showing us how she feels, just telling us, which makes her the storyteller not you. I like this piece a lot and I feel like it could go far. I really like how you've started off with the diary entry but maybe expand it a bit, tell us more about how she feels. Does she feel hate? Is she numb? You've told us that she feels pain and that may be emotional but physically speaking, unless he (her father) is being extremely rough, she shouldn't feel *much* pain at this point. Again, this is just on what people have told me and what I've read in health books, not personal experience. I really like this and please tell me when you update

Overall: B+
~Jas

Hi,
Personally, I found this entire piece amazing. The only things I would mention you editing are the same as what Ester had said. With this in mind, I would like you to know that this piece brought tears to my eyes. That is not an easy thing to accomplish. Please keep writing, this was very well done.