Hostage Ch. 1

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Thanks, RemRock!!!


"Hello, Nyoka. Out little sister. What are you now, 8 months? You look like it!" Ophidia exclaimed. She always picked on me about being the runt.

"I'm thirteen months already! I exclaimed, using my tail to hit her. She growled, but held back. I could kill her, even though she was two years old.

"Then why are you still with Mom? You were supposed to leave at a year. Oh, is the big bad world too tough for you?"

"Save it for someone who cares!"

"You kids settle." Mom commanded. We obeyed, before Ophidia walked to the cave entrance.

"See you around, Mom." She xclaimed before soaring out.

"Thank heavens. Why can't I go too, Mom?" I begged.

"No. You will be picked off like a bone, Nyoka." My mom insists.

"I'll fight!" I could whop my Ophidia any day of the week.

"You haven't seen fully grown males. You will be assaulted, and no one will pick you as a mate at the ceremony of Moonlit Nights." She licked my shining, light purple scales. "I am protecting you from harm." I nodded. "Good. I was going to go raid a small village I found about a half of a mile from here that seems to be unclaimed... do you want to come with me?"

"Sure." Raiding villages was enjoyable, and most villages were claimed by big, adult dragons. My mother could take them, but it isn't worth it.

Mom waddled up to the entrance of the cave. She was stunning, with aqua blue scales, large wings, red-stained teeth. The had a single horn coming from her forehead an wide, alert sea foam eyes. She always kept her spikes sharp. As for me, I had a large horn on my head and one smaller one and black eyes as dark as obsidian. my wings were on the smaller side, though they wrapped around my body. I was bad at flying, but I can run smoothly on land as well as fight. My teeth were sharp, though my spikes were not.

Out of the blue, mom took off. I followed quickly, my scales catching the light and shinning brilliantly. I shook my head- it was good to be out of that cave.

I quickly caught up to mom. She growled - even her own children could not get too close to her. It's a dragon thing. If a fellow comes to close to you, it's an immediate battle, no matter who it is. It could be your best friend. it just doesn't matter.

"Is that it?" I asked her. We flew very fast; it probably was. Her massive head nodded. I glanced down at the village- it was a nice little, homely place. Mom began the descent, and I quickly followed. Fire bellowed from mom's jaw. I could only breath fire sometimes. It's sort of like burping- you can do it, but until you're experienced, you can't make yourself do it. A tiny spurt came out from me.

Screams pierced the air. People ran, their homes ablaze. I gently landed on the ground, though mom circled from above. A young boy, no more then 15 human years, looked at me desperately. I launched at him, before something else caught me. It was another dragon.

And it touched me.

When mom touches me, it's alright. She already had dominance over me, so I had nothing to fear. But this insignificant little rat touched me! This will not go lightly!

I took off at the dragon, which had began to fly upwards.

"Moonshadow!" I head the boy exclaim. I though that's what he said- my human vocabulary was very faulty. I didn't pay attention, snapping at the dragon. I got a bit into his hide, ripping down. It fell with a yelp, before quickly getting back up. He scratched my neck, silver blood flowing already. A drop fell on a roof- I could see it burn right through the straw like acid. But I was too engrossed in the fight to see much more.

I eventually got to dragon to boy in defeat- bloody and hurt. He bowed down, scrambling behind me. I looked up- where is mother?

"Mom!" I roared, as loud as I could.

No reply.

Had she left me? There was less of a commotion. I was sure she left. But why? She herself said I wasn't ready! I Couldn't go back; if she did leave me alone, then she might not consider me as her fledgling anymore, and could attack from coming on her turf. I guess I had to find new.

That's when the first arrows hit me.
Last edited by MilkNCookies on Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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Hello. I am a thirteen month old fledgling dragon. Yes, thirteen months means I am a year and one month old. Well, I am still at my mother's nest. That means I've been here a month longer than I should have been. You see, dragons leave the nest on the day of their first birthday. We are given the gift of a single jewel- our birthstone, most likely- and are sent to find our own way through life. I haven't left, because my mother doesn't think I'm ready. I'm a runt, as unusual that is for dragons. Even my egg was smaller then the average, by a lot. If I'm too small, I'll be mauled by a larger dragon. So my mother is protecting me.


I can not stress enough how irksome info dumps are. They're so boring and plain. You can spread this out over a story and make it tons more interesting and fun. You can have scene where the other dragons make fun of the MC for being the runt. There could be a ceremony for when they get their jewel, and maybe that's where you could start your story. These are just some suggestions, so you don't necessarily have to do it this way. It's your story!

Also, I wanted to point out the part that I bolded. When you explain that 13 months is one year and one month... well, most people know that so there's no need to be elaborate. I do see that you're trying to emphasize her age, but I really don't think that extra part in bold is needed.

"But mom, I'll be fine. there should be a comma here, not a period" I moan as she licks her scales.

"No. You will be picked off like a bone, Nyoka." My mom insists.again with the comma thing


"You haven't seen fully grown males. You will be assaulted, and no one will pick you as a mate at the ceremony of Moonlit Nights."


Just pointing this out... but you say 'a' mate as if dragons have more than one mate. If this is not true, you might what to change 'a' to 'their.' Little things like that matter. (:

My mother could take them, but it isn't worth it.


Just wondering... but, why not?

The she had a single horn coming from her forehead an and wide, alert sea foam eyes


The description is a little weird... sea foam eyes? Do you mean the color of sea foam?

I was bad at flying, but I can run smoothly on land as well as fight.


You're switching tenses here. You've been sticking with past tense so 'can' should be 'could.'

I quickly caught up to mom.


Oky doky. What I suggest is that either call the MC's mom 'my mom' or 'Mom,' but don't switch back and forth. If you're going to call her 'Mom' make sure it's capitalized becuase that is her name.


Okay. Except for those few things, this was really interesting and I really want to see where it goes! I love the way you ended it. It was kind of boring at first, and I was afraid it wouldn't get better, but then it did. If you can find a way of spicing up the beginning and getting rid of the info dump this would be awesome.

Keep writing!

Rem
"Play on
When you're losing the game
Play on
'Cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth to sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Play on"

- Carrie Underwood, "Play On"



To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
— Tony Dorsett