Noises in the night

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Points 890
Reviews 5
So many voices were heard within
that room of fears and souls.
A nightmare of a place to be
with nakedness and cold.

She cringed beneath her nothingness
a sob escaped her throat.
For with her in that room of sin
was something that loved to gloat.

And so it did gloat over her
that skin of hers so pale.
Her angel locks of golden sun
now filthy with this tale.

The only thing that she could claim
rightfully hers at all,
was the truth and her great shame
the thing that made her feel so small.

From the black walls of her small prison
serpents would slither out.
To great her with a kiss by tooth,
and how they loved to clout.

She wanted no such kiss from them
that sneak up in the night.
What could she do to save herself
from this, her greatest plight?

She could not bite them back you see
she had no poisonous teeth.
To use against such vile things
and bite them, thus to greet.

A shriek was heard but not the girl’s.
She whimpered in such distress.
To here voices come within her realm
and still feel such vast loneliness.

And then she heard what she thought she wouldn’t
the sound of her mothers tears.
And so she woke with such a start
she felt she had been asleep for years!

“Oh mother!” cried she with such lament
her eyes so red with fear.
She thought it all the truth of life
all of that pain and drear.

But it wasn’t and she smiled so
you never would imagine
that look on that sweet face of hers
like the nightmare never happened!

“I’ve lied to you, oh mother dear!
though I promised I never would!
I’ve done a thing you would not like
nor thought I ever could!

For see you now
I am not an angel flying in the sky
I’m but a girl with faults and flaws
and one day I will die.

But when that day does slither forth
I will not be afraid
nor will I fear of hells abyss
since my debt will be repaid.”




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Points 1050
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It's verry looong :shock: and i'm too lazy to read it swwy :oops:
I should not keep on, I'll just creep on creepin'on.




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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 411
This poem was amazing but I didn’t like the way you concluded it. I think the cold, dark atmosphere which you had brilliantly created was marred by the fact that they never happened-you could have continued with the prison atmosphere.-but it’s your poem, who am I to decide?
The first seven stanzas are too good-my hats off you!!
The words are so well chosen and the lines wonderfully woven.
I really like the feel of the poem and the rhythm which goes till the end is superb
I think, in the line: “To great her with a kiss by tooth,” you mean ‘greet’ and not ‘great’. You have also missed an apostrophe in ‘hell’s’ in this line: “nor will I fear of hells abyss”.
Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 91
Very nice read. I don't have any specific problems with it, but I would like to commend you on how you pulled off the rhyme. It felt natural. That is always good.

Brian
"Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others."
-Virginia Woolf



"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
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