Wished Away

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1091
Reviews 2
The wish.
You left.
I cried.
The love, the times, I wished.
The wars, the forgiveness, I wished.
The smiles, the laughter, I wished.
But mine was not to be.
Yours were, was.
The blood, the darkness, you hated.
The orders, the emptiness, you hated.
The coldness, the anger, you hated.
I was here, but you neglected.
The wish was yours, you embraced it.
We were one,
shared smiles, had fun,
But now you expect me to stay?
While you wish away?
Should I give up?
For you to say no, I wished.
But it was not meant to be.
You left me.
"Friends are forever...
You just can't get rid of them like you used to in the old days...!"
- My gramps




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
I thought this was very interesting. It was a little vague, but perhaps this only adds to the, maybe, woozy sensation of a girl who just had her heart broken? Perhaps, though, you could simply make it a little more clear what this "wish" was and where it came from. I was a little confused. Is is magic? Something that only existed in their imaginations?

I think this is a cool poem, and that it should be developed.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1091
Reviews 2
Vague was exactly how I felt when I wrote this. And rest assured, I'll work on developing it. :)
"Friends are forever...
You just can't get rid of them like you used to in the old days...!"
- My gramps




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1892
Reviews 35
I love this, it's awesome. Sad emotions, angry emotions. They swirl together and create the perfect mixture. Good job. (sorry for the pointless reply, just thought it was good and a bit gone right now)
amanda




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 962
Reviews 42
Vague or not, I think this is actually a nice little piece! The length is appropriate, and the flow is decent! I like your conclusion, as well; very bluntly stated, but it seems to hit the reader!

Good job! :)



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote