Inocence As We Know It Chapter One: Material Girl

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Material Girl: As we drove out of Maryland, I thought about what Sierra had said "Elle, you are so lucky, fresh start you wont know anyone they wont know you and most of all no more Maryse,"
I was quite lucky, no more preppy cheerleaders,no more old Elle. I was going to start fresh, new school, new house,new life. My father had gotten a promotion as a surgeon in a new hospital he now could work at home or at the hospital, my mother was furious at first but when my dad told her she could have a huge swimming pool, she leaped out of her seat and did a victory dance. My mom is more of a teenager than I am, she is always like " Ah loosen up Elle." She influences me to wear more make-up and dress like a tart! Even though I never attract and boys...except for Jones, wer dated for one day and when he brought me home to meet his parents they stared at me like I was a statue. The next day he told me he was moving..no surprise there. I was known as the school geek thanks to Maryse,(the head cheearleader at my old school)she was a living nightmare. She told everyone I had a guys part and planted a stinkbomb in my bag, so for the full week I reeked of skunk fart. We pulled into our new driveway, I stared at the house it was massive and vintage looking, just the way I liked it. I stepped out of the car and grabbed my luggage from the boot, the rest was coming later. My mom came up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder "Well Elle new start right?"
She strolled inside leaving me on the porch, I walked inside slowly watching my step. The inside was not to shabby but I wouldnt say I liked it much, mom and dad never understanded my style, so I wasnt really expecting much from my bedroom.
"Elle come upstairs and see your bedroom, ooooh your going to love it!" mom shouted from upstairs. Yes love it..as if, but without no delay I walked up the creaky stairs. The upstair was worster than the downstairs the walls were a limey puke colour and the carpet looked like it had been puked out by Elvis Presley. I walked into the room where I heard mom and dads voice, they were both showing off gleaming white teeth. I looked around my bedroom, it was the most repulsive thing I had ever seen, I wish they had let me design my own bedroom. All over my room was Disney characters and stars, Im not 10 anymore! Mom and dad saw the look on my face and looked disconsolate.
"Er..the room its nice..but in future I would like to design my own room..it looks like a 10 year old designed it to be honest."
"Well okay..maybe we- I mean you could redesign this room then?" mom said with a smile
"sure and sorry if your upset but Im a teenager now its time you guys took me seriously."
"We`ll try..anyways school starts tomorrow your uniform is in the closet, Ironed and crease free."
Tomorrow I was to start at a new school "Serenity High," Later that evening I sat at my computer, it was the stupid slow ones so it took quite a while to startup.I went on Google and searched "Serenity High" I clicked on the first one. It was a fan page for the school, there was pictures, lots and lots of pictures. The school was divided into groups, Jocks,cheerleaders,ricans,emos,goths and the loners.(great I would fit in the last one.) The school seemed repulsive already, it was like an apartheid between students of the popular and not. I felt really hot and sweaty after reading all this, there was a club on facebook called "We Hate Lilac Monroe", turns out Lilac is the head cheerleader and is a right bitch. Well thats someone I wont go near, I was glad we had uniforms that way the girls couldnt dress all tarty. I had a cold shower and put on my oldest football jersey, my ideal Pjs. Its quite hard for me to sleep because I suffer from Insomia so I leave the television and the radio on at night,I have pills and everything but nothing seems to work. I started counting cows because sheeps were so yesterday, before I knew it I was snoring like my father.




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Hello there :)
I'm Truth, here for a full review on your novel!
Let's start, shall we?
BookWormOnIce wrote:PS: Don't be intimidated by all the red, it's all small things that could be changed and some minor errors :)
Material Girl: As we drove out of Maryland, I thought about what Sierra had said "Elle, you are so lucky. A fresh start, comma you wont know anyone they wont know you and most of all no more Maryse,"

I was quite lucky, no more preppy cheerleaders,no more old Elle. I was going to start fresh, new school, new house,new life. My father had gotten a promotion as a surgeon in a new hospital; he now could work at home or at the hospital. My mother had been furious at first, comma but when my dad told her she could have a huge swimming pool, she leaped out of her seat and did a victory dance. My mom is more of a teenager than I am, she is always like " Ah loosen up, comma Elle." She influences me to wear more make-up and dress like a tart! Even though I never attract any boys...except for Jones, wer dated for one day and when he brought me home to meet his parents, comma they had stared at me like I was a statue. The next day he told me he was moving..no surprise there.

I was known as the school geek, comma thanks to Maryse,(the head cheerleader at my old school) she was a living nightmare. She told everyone I had a guys part genitals? and planted a stink bomb in my bag, so for the full week, comma I reeked of skunk fart.

We pulled into our new driveway. I stared at the house, comma it was massive and vintage looking, just the way I liked it. I stepped out of the car and grabbed my luggage from the boot, the rest was coming later. My mom came up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder "Well Elle, comma new start, comma right?"

She strolled inside, comma leaving me on the porch and I walked inside slowly, comma watching my step. The inside was not too shabby, comma but I wouldn't say I liked it much. Mom and Dad never understood my style, so I wasn't really expecting much from my bedroom.

"Elle come upstairs and see your bedroom! Ooooh your going to love it!" Mom Mom and Dad are always written with capitals when it used as names... unless you are saying 'her mom', 'my mom' and so on. shouted from upstairs. Yes loved it..as if, but without no delay I climbed up the creaky stairs. The upstairs was worst than the downstairs; the walls were a limey puke colour and the carpet looked like it had been puked out by Elvis Presley. I walked into the room where I heard Mom and Dad's voices, they were both showing off gleaming, comma white teeth. I looked around my bedroom, it was the most repulsive thing I had ever seen and wished they had let me design my own bedroom. All over my room were Disney characters and stars, I was not 10 anymore! Mom and Dad saw the look on my face and looked disconsolated.

"Er..the room, comma it's nice..but in future, comma I would like to design my own room..it looks like a 10 year old designed it, comma to be honest."

"Well okay..maybe we- I mean you, comma could redesign this room then?" Mom said, comma with a smile.

"Sure, comma and sorry if your upset but I'm a teenager now, comma it's time you guys take me seriously."

"We`ll try..anyways, comma school starts tomorrow. Your uniform is in the closet, Ironed and it is crease free."

Tomorrow, comma I was to start at a new school "Serenity High." No need for the quotation mark since it is a name, we understand by the capitals Later that evening, comma I sat at my computer and it was the stupid slow ones so it took quite a while to start up. I went on Google and searched "Serenity High, comma" and clicked on the first one. It was a fan page for the school, there was pictures, lots and lots of pictures. The school was divided into groups, Jocks,cheerleaders,ricans,emos,goths and the loners If you will use a capital letter for the first group, then all of them should be... if you are using them as labeling the groups as names, then it should be .(great, comma I would fit in the last one.) The school seemed repulsive already, it was like an apartheid between students of the popular and not. I felt really hot and sweaty after reading all this. There was even a club on Facebook called "We Hate Lilac Monroe", turns out Lilac was the head cheerleader and was a right bitch. Well that was someone I wouldn't go near. I was glad we had uniforms, comma that way the girls couldn't dress all tarty.

I had a cold shower, comma and put on my oldest football jersey, my ideal Pj's. It was quite hard for me to sleep, comma because I suffered from Insomnia so I left the television and the radio on at night. I had pills and everything, comma but nothing seemed to work. I started counting cows because sheep The plural of sheep... is also sheep were so yesterday and before I knew it I was snoring like my father.


Alright, first, I want to point out the lack of apostrophes in there... maybe your computer doesn't have them, but before posting, it would be better to correct with the spell-check so it fixes all of those.

Second, I've separated the whole chapter into some paragraphs. When you look at it in the overall, you can see it is all in one big blob of a paragraph. I've separated so it is easier for the readers to follow and read; it helps the flow a lot. :)

Third, the past tenses... Well the verb tenses are very common errors with writers. When writing, it should always be in the same verb tense. You've chosen to narrate in the past tense, so it should stay, forever and always, in the past tense. There are some minor slip-ups in there... I fixed them all :) Just something to keep in mind while writing and reviewing!

That's it for the corrections!

Overall, this looks promising. The characters have not been developed all that much just yet, something you could work on maybe so we get to know them more quickly, it'll drive us in the plot. Something I've noticed is your usage of 'telling', not 'showing'. The little we know about your MC right now, we've learned through the narration. By using conversation, physical description, thoughts and reactions, you can tell us more about your character without having info-dumping and such. Now, I cannot comment on the plot very well, but it looks pretty good just now... A bit cliché, but that's not totally bad, I am hoping you'll add your own twist in there :D

That's all the criticism, onto the good things!
This is a good start! You are letting us hang in there, wanting to know what will happen with this character. How will she react to this new environment? Will she meet new people? -Of course she will! But who?- What adventures awaits her? These, we must know :) So Keep on writing please!

Feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns on any of my comments above,

-Truth-
.- <3 -.




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Teehee! When I was thirteen, I was awful at placing commas too. :) With that, you'll definitely want to learn where to put commas and such!

Anyway! What you're going to want to do is stress the conflict. She's going to a new school... this is exciting! And she's in a new house that looks a bit vomity, lol. So, you're going to want to stress these sorts of conflicts out, otherwise it'll seem too perfect. And let's face it... the more conflict there is in a story, the more captivating it tends to be. :)

Good luck!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



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