My Beloved

My Dear,

I'm scared, terrified as much to say
'I love you' as 'I hate you'.
For all my skin may crawl,
and seep and set into black lacquer and
return no glare of the moonlight,
you sail, a beacon that breaks the surface
and anchors to my heart.

For you are my compass,
yet you never point North.
You are my fortune,
but you never show worth.

I may be foolish, foolhardy; a fool by all terms -
whether my abundance for idiocy, or my capacity for you,
so if I called reasoning, or just plain common sense,
they wouldn't respond to texts, they'd reject my calls...
sounds kinda like you, but it runs deeper;
through the veins, closer to the bone:
an agonising affection for misery and disease
that no medicine can cure.

Is our love terminal? Are we business partners at best?
If anything you are my symbiote: a creature
living within my heart, never wanting to be a part
of my deepest cravings for hope, that one day
I can call you mine, as I will be yours.

Sincerely,
Your Super-Subtle Stalker.

A fun subject that I am sure is not foreign to too many. What I am not so confident of, is if this piece would fit best, as is, categorized as a lyric poem. While lyric poetry need not rhyme nor be accompanied with a lyre or rhythmic beat of its more classical forms, the term does suggest a pattern exists within some predictable meter.

It is not always the most reliable of sources, but the pertinent info from the wikipedia article on lyric poetry sums up the point I'm getting at with meter. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyric_poetry:

Much lyric poetry depends on regular meter based either on number of syllables or on stress. The most common meters are as follows:

* Iambic - two syllables, with the short or unstressed syllable followed by the long or stressed syllable.
* Trochaic - two syllables, with the long or stressed syllable followed by the short or unstressed syllable.
* Pyrrhic - Two unstressed syllables
* Anapestic - three syllables, with the first two short or unstressed and the last long or stressed.
* Dactylic - three syllables, with the first one long or stressed and the other two short or unstressed.
* Spondaic - two syllables, with two successive long or stressed syllables.

Some forms have a combination of meters, often using a different meter for the refrain. Each meter can have any number of elements, called feet.

Underline added for emphasis.

At the base, a meter has some rhythmic pattern to it; I liked your second stanza the most, a quatrain (meaning that it contains four lines). All but the third line contain 6 syllables each, the third contains 5. If you have the 'for' to provide a stronger lead in from the previous stanza, you might add it or similar, like 'Oh', to the beginning of the third line as well. This would serve both to form the repetition of 6 syllables in all 4 lines and make the link between lines 1 and 3, 2 and 4 to more strongly fit a lyrical pattern.

For you are my compass,
yet you never point North.
Oh You are my fortune,
but you never show worth.

Green showing added suggestion.

From the emphasized parts above, lines one and three show what the subject is for the speaker, while lines two and four contrast what the subject is never for the speaker. The comparative contrast is furthered by breaking lines 2 and 4 from their respective, previous line, at a conditional, dependent clause of the two, full thoughts.

I feel that this second stanza is the strongest part of your piece, especially as a lyric poem. In contrast, I feel that the following, third stanza is the weakest one.

I may be foolish, foolhardy; a fool by all terms - [13]
whether my abundance for idiocy, or my capacity for you, [19]
so if I called reasoning, or just plain common sense, [13]
they wouldn't respond to texts, they'd reject my calls... [12]
sounds kinda like you, but it runs deeper; [10]
through the veins, closer to the bone:[9]
an agonising agonizing affection for misery and disease [15]
that no medicine can cure. [7]

Aside from the easily made spelling error corrected with green, the first four lines work well to carry the feelings of a rambling, over-thinking, and lovesick subject that is beating his or herself up. However, as is in this lyric poem, there is no discernible meter in these four lines, nor anywhere in the entire stanza. Breaking up lines mid-thought serves to confuse the flow even more when it lacks the aid of pattern.

I added the numbers in brackets to show the number of syllables in each line. As you can see, there is no obvious pattern in syllables. There is no rhythm phonetically either; neither alliteration (the repetition of a particular sound in the first syllables of a series of words and/or phrases), consonance (the repetition of the same consonant two or more times in short succession), nor assonance (the refrain of vowel sounds, which commonly makes use of both consonance and alliteration to do its work), are present for duty.

This stanza feels very free form, and certainly, it could serve to provide a very strong impression in free form poetry. However, free form is about as opposite on the end as you can get from lyric poetry; be careful to make the distinction.

Is our love terminal? Are we business partners at best?
If anything you are my symbiote: a creature
living within my heart, never wanting to be a part
of my deepest cravings for hope, that one day
I can call you mine, as I will be yours.

Much of the third stanza can be said for the fourth. I would like to point out the third line, however, for making use of internal rhyming. This is a great element to use in a lyric poem (and poetry in general for that matter); as the term 'internal rhyming" suggests, it is a rhyme inside of a single line. When followed up with a pattern throughout a stanza, you have the bread and butter for all sorts of lyric poetry.

Finally, I actually appreciate the encapsulation of this piece, the further framing that makes this piece appear like a formal, written letter. This is a style choice that breaks all of the rules of the chosen form; however, it is not one that interferes with the rules of lyric poetry so much. On the outside,

My Dear,
...
Sincerely,
Your Super-Subtle Stalker.

remains separate from what is 'sandwiched' in between. Personally, I feel this is an excellent example that demonstrates the reasonable leeway a poet is allowed for individual style within the loosened rules of poetry.

If you actually intend for this piece to be in the specific, chosen form, do take a good look at the elements common to lyric poetry. I like the premise, and you do have good ideas; though, a good bit of polish is needed to better meld it all into form.

Hey there, Sean. Oh, man... How can I review this after Rin? Seriously... Okay, nevermind. Let's get down to reviewing...

First off... I think this is brilliant, despite the whole stalker angle. Seriously awesome. I love the somewhat fractured flow and rythym and the imagery. The imagery was really good. And I loved it. Seriously, I do. Call me crazy or whatever. lol XD

As for nitpicking stuff. I don't really have anything to complain about. I think it's imperfectly perfect just the way it is, ya? I don't think it really needs anything. So, overall, a brilliantly disturbing little poem. Thanks for the creepy poetry, Sean. I adore it. *clicks like* Keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.

:O I wish there was a love button. Believe me or not, Sean, three days ago I wrote a letter/poem, like this called "Letter to a Stranger". And at the end I wrote "Sincerely, your most known acquaintance." I consider this great, you know you're an awesome writer. So, keep it up. :] Bye. <3

Sincerely,
Soly