The Light of A Thousand Suns (Working Tittle) Prologue

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Prologue: The Most Precious of Children

The cover of night veiled William and Juniper as they hurried across the dark, verdant fields. The silhouette of great stone monuments and magnificent castle towers blurred against the backdrop of a glowing moon as the wind bellowed against the dying trees.
Juniper felt the fruit of her womb within its swollen carriage. Not once had it ever kicked, yet its presence was greater than any who had already been born. For the entity she nursed and carried within her was the most precious of children, the saviour who would soon be born into a nation that had declared it an ‘Enemy of the State.’
It was in the darkness of the time between twilight and dawn that they had hidden. The streets of the Highlands had been crowded with troops ordered to arrest dubious beings on sight and as such, a passage in the clouds had been cleared for the two. They should ride the clouds like waves, on a magnificent ship constructed solely for them, and they should spend a lifetime sailing the skies until he was old enough to return, until he was strong enough to fulfil what had been expected of him. But as they approached the Cliffside bathed in shadow, William, a tall and handsome wizard, broke into tears.
‘William, We’ve no time. Now!’
‘I mustn’t!’ He wept vehemently as he buried his face in the grass.
‘William!’
‘I’m needed here.’
‘But they will kill you,’ she said sharply.
‘I will hide.’
‘William! Now! Before dawn! If we’re spotted, it’s all over. For everyone! I can not live on my own out there. I haven’t a clue how to fly a ship!’
‘You won’t need to,’ he said solemnly. ‘It’s enchanted. It will take you to where you need to go.’
‘But-’
He gripped her arms and pulled her face close to his, whispering the words, ‘It will take you to a house somewhere in the mortal world. It’s all organised. We’ve people who’ve already been exiled living down there, amongst mortals. It’s quite alright. You’ll be taken good care of. I promise.’
‘You organised this,’ she whimpered.
‘It’s been this way for some time now. I knew you would never agree if I wasn’t coming with you.’
‘But they don’t need you like I do,’ she cried. ‘Your son needs a father.’
‘And he will have one.’ Already kneeling, he pressed his cheek to Juniper’s womb. ‘I’ll be waiting for you.’
‘William…’ Juniper pointed to a burning light in the distance, as though the horizon had been set alight with flames. ‘Dawn.’
‘Go now! Hurry!’ He rushed her over the cliff onto the boat.
‘I love you,’ she sobbed, her words as natural as their final embrace. They parted quite rapidly as the distance between her freedom and her home grew. The boat drifted further and further away, until all William could see were two magnificent, ivory sales in the distance, caressed by the warm light of dawn.


Extract from The Light of a Thousand Suns – the story of the White Wizard by the great magical scholar William Sparx.

For centuries, mankind has existed with no belief in the wonders and mysteries of magic. For centuries, mankind has been wrong…

Since the dawn of time, magic has permeated every aspect of human civilisation, from the time of the early, Greek Titans to the gods of Ancient Egypt. Magic has always been.

Magic exists within a flow; a never ending chain that resides in nature, in life, in light and in darkness. There are some, who have the ability to speak with the flow through the ancient words, and they have come to be known as wizards.

So it is then, that magic exists within a sense of duality. Just as within most entities, there is both light and shade within magic.

Good magic is the most widely practiced form of magic. Those who possess the greatest power of such are known as Paladins, warriors who wield light.

Dark Magic however, is less understood, and much less practiced. It would be a grave error to pronounce it as evil, although it has been deemed as such by those who fear it.

There is an entity that exists outside of both paths – a depraved, demonic spirit who has earned repute as more malevolent than the devil himself. This spirit has come to be known as Darakus, the concentration of pure evil. It is feared by all, even those who practice Dark magic, which has sadly and mistakenly been associated with it.

Now, there was a time, early in creation when humans, wizards and mortals alike, had newly risen from the flow. They had been granted a power that no other creature had; a simpler yet greater power than even the most powerful magic, the power of knowledge. Humans had been granted minds that controlled more than nature, minds that worked with desires as opposed to needs, with love as apposed to instinct. Humans had been granted the power of free will, something that they would in time, come to abuse.

The entity known as Darakus had seen this, and had recognised man’s potential for malevolence. So he had come to live amongst the humans, eventually bringing about an age known only as ‘The Reign of Terror,’ which lasted longer than history knows.

But the flow had seen the disruption of the balance between light and shade, or rather the balance between good and evil, and was thus forced to restore it. From the light of a thousand suns a great power was born, in a child who would one day become a mighty Paladin and banish the demon to his perpetual prison on the dark side of the moon, cleansing the world of shadow and bathing it in light.

The world however, saw no change. Evil and hatred were still rooted in the hearts of mankind, and so the entity forever had a means through which to return, and once again, bring about the Reign of Terror. As such, every seven generations that spirit is freed from his prison and plunged again into the souls of man. So then, in an attempt to restore this balance, the flow of magic gathers yet another one thousand suns, and from this light a child is born, a child who will one day grow into a mighty Paladin and cleanse the world of this evil once more.
Last edited by Pforrest on Sun Apr 17, 2011 1:29 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hey Pforrest :)

What I'll say first is that it's good to separate out your paragraphs and diagloue. Mainly because when people click on your story and consider reviewing it, they tend to look for a story that is properly formatted and not just in big chunks of text.

The silhouette of great stone monuments and magnificent castle towers blurred against the backdrop of a great, glowing moon as the unnerving screaming of the whistling wind rustled the decaying leaves of the dying trees. - my first little niggle is the use of the word 'great' twice. Repetition is one of my pet hates. Also this sentence feels quite long and rambling and sort of filled with a lot of description. So maybe you could think about splitting the sentence up. There is also a lot of 'ing' words. So perhaps just think about how you could reword this.

For the entity she nursed and carried within her was the most previous of children. - the most previous of children? I'm not entirely sure what this means or what you are trying to say here.

‘conspiracy for terrorism,’ of rather, ‘conspiracy of revolution.’ - I think you meant 'or' and not 'of'

‘It’s been this way ever since. I knew you would never agree if I wasn’t coming with you.’ - Ever since what? I don't really understand this.

She was careful with her step, unable to see exactly where she was stepping. - This kind of felt like an uneeded bit of detail.

Overall

First of all I'll just say that I think this has potential. You have clearly thought through your world properly, and your magic system and world seem very interesting and I would be fascinated to see how it will continue.

So I'm going to talk about this in sections. The first section, with William and Juniper was pretty good but the language often seemed too flowery and overly complicated. Like you described things but kind of described them too much. Sometimes to the point where I was tired reading all the flowery descriptions and was just wishing you would get on with the actual story. That may partly be due to my personal taste but you don't need to over complicate your writing to make it good.

The second section where you write about the magical system in the world seemed to me like a massive info dump. What I mean by this is that you basically tried to feed your reader a whole chunk of information or exposition. Towards the middle of that section I started to lose interest. Not because what you were writing wasn't interesting but just because you were hammering information at me. I just felt like...ok can I skip this and get to the story? Which is a shame because it's good stuff. At the beginning of your story you need a hook, sometimes I like to see it as a bang or a punch in the face that sets up a dramatic question in the reader's mind that makes them want to continue reading your novel to find out what happens. You kind of had that with the first section but then it was lost in amongst the info dump of the second section.

To me the second section seems like something I would use as background. So it's something that I as a writer would keep for me to reference when writing about the world but it's something that I wouldn't show to the readers.

Information like what you have written in the second section, for me, should be drip fed into the story. So you would have snippets of the magiacl power throughout the story and then using characters and situations you would begin to piece together, for the reader, how the magic in your world works. A common trick for doing something like this is to have a character that knows nothing about the world, this is the character the reader will indetify with and as that character learns about the world then so too will your reader. For example, the baby in the first section of the prologue (I assume will grow up by the first chapter) could not know anything about the magic because they were exiled. So then you use that child as the vehicle to explain your world. Obviously don't only view them as a vehicle.

Also one last thing, try hard not to let this slip into the Fantasy cliche of having one child who is more powerful than any other and only they can defeat the evil. It's fine to have that type of storyline but just keep in mind that you need to make it fresh and original at the same time.

Having said all that I think that you should definitely keep on going with this. Like I said before it seems really interesting and you have something there that I would probably read. So I hope you continue!

If you have any questions then feel free to PM me :)

Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki



Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green