A Journey - Part 1: Memory ~~(Chapter 3)~~

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 24
I'm not too worried about the grammer. I'd like it if you guys could tell me which places in it are most confusing, don't make sense, and your overall feeling of the chapter. If you only want to review grammer though, then feel free. There's a lot here, so I'll understand if no one wants to review it, but please enjoy anyhow :smt003



The dirt along the sun-baked road was thrown up in a sudden breeze of wind, like the breath of some unknown, unseen, giant. The sheet of dirt rose in the wind, becoming like a sail, voyaging with the wind, taking passengers to new land. The sails of dirt made a dusty haze that followed wherever the wind went.

In the slick mid-day sunshine, the town ahead was full of buggy commotion. The town, known by the name of Atasta Two. It was the first of many towns built recently to escape from Alexander-Julius.

To both sides of the trail, dirty hills and plains were laid out for the world to see in their shame. One would think that everything you needed to know about the hills could be seen in a glance, but you couldn't see the Red Hill. Only the dead could see the Red Hill.

To the right, the dry-yellow hills seemed to roll on forever, though they would stop for the Caedo Cliffs. Past that was the Due-Caedo Sea. The Red Hill was supposedly somewhere on the right side of this town.

On the left, the yellow hills turned green and off in the distance rose the Ganar mountains. Mount Ganar Regius, Mount Ganar Lia, and so on. They were named after the Ganars which ended the Ganar War so long ago.

No one was alive presently that had lived through the Ganar War.

As a consequence of lost attention, Daniel's foot got sucked into a mud puddle. It had rained recently.

Good. The land needed the hydration.

“You alright there?” asked Geist.

“Yeah, fine. Could you help me out though?” Daniel had started to trust the squalashell as his friend. Even if didn't remember being friends with him before, he had practically become the slug-man's friend all over again.

Daniel grabbed Geist's soft and squishy hand and pulled himself up.

Then again, he was still a bit uneasy being friends with a slug-man.

“Where are we?” asked Daniel once he was on solid ground again.

“This is Atasta Two, where you and your wife live.”

“Wife!”

Geist nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“Why didn't you tell me I was married?”

“Hey, well, I'm not the one who died—I can't do everything for you.”

“What's she like?”

The slug man rolled one of his tendrils hanging from above his lip as he thought. “You'll find out.”

“Ah, come on!”

He started walking away. While doing so, he added, “Her name is Drena,” The bright sunlight left his bald, yellow scalp glossy-looking. “And she's going to be angry that you've lost your memory, so brace yourself.”

Daniel had been killed, had his soul thrown back into his body, was shot through a gas portal, and now he had to confront his wife whom he didn't remember.

“Are you sure you brought the right guy back to life?” Daniel asked while he ran to catch up with Geist.

“Yeah, why?”

Daniel smiled, then said, “I couldn't ever see myself becoming friends with somebody who puts me through so much trouble.”

Geist shared the smile. “You'll understand with time. You just have to get used to things.”

As they entered the town, Daniel's eyes were pulled towards a little boy with very tan skin and no shirt on. Hand prints of mud could be seen on his protruding belly and his shorts were a tattered mess. His blonde hair was wild and unruly and he stared back at Daniel as he picked his nose.

He dug his first finger in deeper, looking for something he couldn't find.

His eyes were the strangest tint of bright peach.

Just as Daniel was slowing down to continue watching the boy, Geist said, “Come on, lets go!” He was about ten feet ahead.

Daniel turned from the small boy to catch up with his slug friend.

Side by side, the two walked through the streets and by the mud and straw houses. People looked out their glassless windows in poor clothing to see the slug man and his friend with no memory.

The town was somewhat empty, but the people who were out on the streets were running about doing this or that. Some were moving crates, barrels, and waggons.Others were simply stopping here or there to give the people moving things advice.

“What's going on here?” Daniel asked.

“People are moving. Think of it as an evacuation.” Geist, as usual was unreadable in his response.

“Evacuation? Evacuation for what?”

“War.”

When they got further into the town, a boy just short of adulthood came running down the street. “Squalashell! Geist! Over here!” he shouted happily as he waved a piece of paper high above his head. He had fair hair and tannish skin.

When he got to Geist and Daniel he was out of breath. He put his hands on his knees for a second.

Straightening himself, leaning his head up with his eyes close, and putting his hand to his forehead, he took one last breath of resolve.

Finally he let out the breath and addressed Geist, “Hey.”

“Tired?”

“Yeah.” He aligned his shoulders like he was taught to do when talking to important people. “Message for you, sir,” he said promptly and with much more propriety than he could hold. He put the side of his flat hand to his forehead in salute and held out the envelope.

He held his breath to make his chest look bigger.

Taking the paper, Geist hardly turned his eye to the boy as he humoured the boy in saying, “At ease solider.”

He dropped his arms, along with his chest and shoulders. And released his breath.

Geist broke the black wax seal and opened up the message. As he read, he asked the boy, “So I take it that you ran all the way from Atasta One?”

“Yep, the boss wanted me to run it over right away, so I went as quick as I could. It's a good thing I caught you as you were coming back from... Say where you anyways?”

Still reading, he pointed behind him with his thumb—to Daniel. “I was fetching this guy. His wife wanted him back.”

“Daniel? Is that you?” the boy asked.

“Yeah.” Daniel responded, a bit confused how this boy knew him.

“What happened to you? You look awful, like you just came back from the dead.”

“Uh...” Daniel hesitated.

Geist looked up from the letter, then chimed in, “Never mind Ralph, he's been through hell. I just dragged him out of Siltier. Apparently they don't want him there.”

“Oh,” was the curious response of the boy, Ralph. “Well, it's probably for the best.” He looked between Geist and Daniel, frowning, apparently noticing something strange about how they were acting. He let it go.

Turning back to Geist, Ralph asked, “So, you've got everything here handled then?”

“Yes, don't worry. Atasta will hear from me soon.”

“Good then.” He turned to Daniel before leaving and said, “Give Misses Violen my best wishes. I'm sure she'll be very happy that you're back.”

“Okay, bye,” Daniel said with a smile, not knowing in the slightest what was going on.

Finally, Ralph turned around and ran off in the direction he came from.

“Okay, who's Atasta, I thought this town was Atasta, and also, what was that about?” Daniel asked anxiously.

Geist started walking again, letter folded in one hand. “Atasta is the man this town as well other towns were named after. And what do you mean 'what was that about?'”

“How do I know that boy?” Daniel asked as he started following Geist.

Tucking the message in his belt, Geist looked back. “You know a lot of people. Just because you can't remember them doesn't mean you never knew them. You'll catch on soon enough.”

“And his name was Ralph?”

“That's his name.”

“Will these people be expecting me to know their names?”

“Generally people you know tend to expect that, yes.”

“Then why didn't you tell Ralph I couldn't remember him. That you brought me back from the dead, or whatever you did?!”

“Keep it down, we don't want curious ears hearing.” He stopped walking and turned around. “No one can know that I can bring people from the dead, alright?”

“Why?”

Geist rolled his eyes in annoyance and turned around to continue walking.

“Why? Why can't they know?” Daniel asked as he jogged up to catch up with Geist.

“I can't tell you.”

“Well, if you don't tell me why, I'll start telling people!”

Finally, Geist snapped, and whipped around, with the most serious face on. He gripped Daniel by his collar. “Listen to me. You may be my friend, and you may not realize what you're are threatening to do, but stop it! If you tell anyone, I will kill you and whoever you told. Got that?”

Geist's anger was staring down at Daniel's soul.

Daniel, a bead of sweat trickling down his right temple, nodded.

Geist sighed heavily, then let go. He continued walking.

Daniel, shaken, stood for a second to gather his shattered wits. He walked fast to keep up with Geist's quickened pace.

After Daniel caught up, Geist added lightly, his face unreadable, “It's your wife's fault that I brang you back to life, so don't cry to me.”

All Daniel could do was stare.
The Moon Titan is watching. He's always watching. So watch what you say, or you might just disappear.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2122
Reviews 43
This was a good start to a story-I haven't looked at Chapters Two and One yet. I liked the descriptions of the land and the people, and the way the story is moving so far (if that makes sense).

Some parts of the description seemed a bit too matter-of-fact-ish, like
MoonTitanZan wrote:Mount Ganar Regius, Mount Ganar Lia, and so on.

It didn't fit with the style of writing-it sounded like you'd randomly inserted something from a guide book. Personally I'd cut this part out completely, thought of course it's your work and you can do what you want to it.

MoonTitanZan wrote:No one was alive presently that had lived through the Ganar War.
This line seems pointless-it looks completely out of place, and it's like you're telling something that could be shown, like having people mention the war as being 'before my grandparent's time' etc.

The way you changed from describing the land to telling Daniel's story seemed too abrupt, too sudden. To be honest I don't have any suggestions there-just something you should maybe think about?

And just a few little things that bothered me-I'm not sure what you meant by 'buggy' commotion, and if it's been raining recently, why is the road described as 'sun-baked', and why does it still have dust on it?

I'm definitely curious enough to keep reading-I'll check out the other two chapters, and please keep writing! Good luck :)
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8230
Reviews 102
MoonTitanZan wrote:I'm not too worried about the grammer. I'd like it if you guys could tell me which places in it are most confusing, don't make sense, and your overall feeling of the chapter. If you only want to review grammer though, then feel free. There's a lot here, so I'll understand if no one wants to review it, but please enjoy anyhow :smt003



The dirt along the sun-baked road was thrown up in a sudden breeze of wind, like the breath of some unknown, unseen, giant. The sheet of dirt rose in the wind, becoming like a sail, voyaging with the wind, taking passengers to new land. The sails of dirt made a dusty haze that followed wherever the wind went. good descriptions! I can definately see the metaphors!

In the slick mid-day sunshine, the town ahead was full of buggy commotion. The town, known by the name of Atasta Two. It was the first of many towns built recently to escape from Alexander-Julius. Now I'm a little confused. Where are we? A village, yes but civilization, era, etc? It sounds Roman but I might soon find out.

To both sides of the trail, dirty hills and plains were laid out for the world to see in their shame. One would think that everything you needed to know about the hills could be seen in a glance, but you couldn't see the Red Hill. Only the dead could see the Red Hill. oooh! Mysterious... but What is Red Hill and what is its importance?

To the right, the dry-yellow hills seemed to roll on forever, though they would stop for the Caedo Cliffs. Past that was the Due-Caedo Sea. The Red Hill was supposedly somewhere on the right side of this town. hmmm where are we? I know you want to set the, er, setting, but this is maddening!

On the left, the yellow hills turned green and off in the distance rose the Ganar mountains. Mount Ganar Regius, Mount Ganar Lia, and so on. They were named after the Ganars which ended the Ganar War so long ago. Interesting. Good use of historical facts to give us more information!

No one was alive presently that had lived through the Ganar War.

As a consequence of lost attention, Daniel's foot got sucked into a mud puddle. It had rained recently. Huh??

Good. The land needed the hydration. good save.

“You alright there?” asked Geist. who is that?

“Yeah, fine. Could you help me out though?” Daniel had started to trust the squalashell WHAT?? as his friend. Even if didn't remember being friends with him before, he had practically become the slug-man's friend all over again. Slug-man? what is happening here? Who is daniel, who is Geist?

Daniel grabbed Geist's soft and squishy hand and pulled himself up.

Then again, he was still a bit uneasy being friends with a slug-man.

“Where are we?” asked Daniel once he was on solid ground again.

“This is Atasta Two, where you and your wife live.”

“Wife!”

Geist nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“Why didn't you tell me I was married?”

“Hey, well, I'm not the one who died—I can't do everything for you.”

“What's she like?” He died?! Why can't he remember his life? WHAT IS UP WITH THE SLUG MAN?

The slug man rolled one of his tendrils hanging from above his lip as he thought. “You'll find out.”

“Ah, come on!”

He started walking away. While doing so, he added, “Her name is Drena,” The bright sunlight left his bald, yellow scalp glossy-looking. “And she's going to be angry that you've lost your memory, so brace yourself.”

Daniel had been killed, had his soul thrown back into his body, was shot through a gas portal, and now he had to confront his wife whom he didn't remember. So he's a zombie?

“Are you sure you brought the right guy back to life?” Daniel asked while he ran to catch up with Geist.

“Yeah, why?”

Daniel smiled, then said, “I couldn't ever see myself becoming friends with somebody who puts me through so much trouble.”

Geist shared the smile. “You'll understand with time. You just have to get used to things.”

As they entered the town, Daniel's eyes were pulled towards a little boy with very tan skin and no shirt on. Hand prints of mud could be seen on his protruding belly and his shorts were a tattered mess. His blonde hair was wild and unruly and he stared back at Daniel as he picked his nose.

He dug his first finger in deeper, looking for something he couldn't find.

His eyes were the strangest tint of bright peach.

Just as Daniel was slowing down to continue watching the boy, Geist said, “Come on, lets go!” He was about ten feet ahead.

Daniel turned from the small boy to catch up with his slug friend.

Side by side, the two walked through the streets and by the mud and straw houses. People looked out their glassless windows in poor clothing to see the slug man and his friend with no memory.

The town was somewhat empty, but the people who were out on the streets were running about doing this or that. Some were moving crates, barrels, and waggons.Others were simply stopping here or there to give the people moving things advice.

“What's going on here?” Daniel asked. Exactly right Daniel, what is going one here?

“People are moving. Think of it as an evacuation.” Geist, as usual was unreadable in his response.

“Evacuation? Evacuation for what?”

“War.”

When they got further into the town, a boy just short of adulthood came running down the street. “Squalashell! Geist! Over here!” he shouted happily as he waved a piece of paper high above his head. He had fair hair and tannish skin.

When he got to Geist and Daniel he was out of breath. He put his hands on his knees for a second.

Straightening himself, leaning his head up with his eyes close, and putting his hand to his forehead, he took one last breath of resolve.

Finally he let out the breath and addressed Geist, “Hey.”

“Tired?”

“Yeah.” He aligned his shoulders like he was taught to do when talking to important people. “Message for you, sir,” he said promptly and with much more propriety than he could hold. He put the side of his flat hand to his forehead in salute and held out the envelope.

He held his breath to make his chest look bigger.

Taking the paper, Geist hardly turned his eye to the boy as he humoured the boy in saying, “At ease solider.”

He dropped his arms, along with his chest and shoulders. And released his breath.

Geist broke the black wax seal and opened up the message. As he read, he asked the boy, “So I take it that you ran all the way from Atasta One?”

“Yep, the boss wanted me to run it over right away, so I went as quick as I could. It's a good thing I caught you as you were coming back from... Say where you anyways?”

Still reading, he pointed behind him with his thumb—to Daniel. “I was fetching this guy. His wife wanted him back.”

“Daniel? Is that you?” the boy asked.

“Yeah.” Daniel responded, a bit confused how this boy knew him.

“What happened to you? You look awful, like you just came back from the dead.”

“Uh...” Daniel hesitated. HAHA! cause he did...

Geist looked up from the letter, then chimed in, “Never mind Ralph, he's been through hell. I just dragged him out of Siltier. Apparently they don't want him there.”

“Oh,” was the curious response of the boy, Ralph. “Well, it's probably for the best.” He looked between Geist and Daniel, frowning, apparently noticing something strange about how they were acting. He let it go.

Turning back to Geist, Ralph asked, “So, you've got everything here handled then?”

“Yes, don't worry. Atasta will hear from me soon.”

“Good then.” He turned to Daniel before leaving and said, “Give Misses Violen my best wishes. I'm sure she'll be very happy that you're back.” Who? I thought he had a wife.

“Okay, bye,” Daniel said with a smile, not knowing in the slightest what was going on.

Finally, Ralph turned around and ran off in the direction he came from.

“Okay, who's Atasta, I thought this town was Atasta, and also, what was that about?” Daniel asked anxiously.

Geist started walking again, letter folded in one hand. “Atasta is the man this town as well other towns were named after. And what do you mean 'what was that about?'”

“How do I know that boy?” Daniel asked as he started following Geist.

Tucking the message in his belt, Geist looked back. “You know a lot of people. Just because you can't remember them doesn't mean you never knew them. You'll catch on soon enough.”

“And his name was Ralph?”

“That's his name.”

“Will these people be expecting me to know their names?”

“Generally people you know tend to expect that, yes.”

“Then why didn't you tell Ralph I couldn't remember him. That you brought me back from the dead, or whatever you did?!”

“Keep it down, we don't want curious ears hearing.” He stopped walking and turned around. “No one can know that I can bring people from the dead, alright?”

“Why?” Why not? Good job! My interest is peaked

Geist rolled his eyes in annoyance and turned around to continue walking. TELL ME!

“Why? Why can't they know?” Daniel asked as he jogged up to catch up with Geist.

“I can't tell you.”

“Well, if you don't tell me why, I'll start telling people!”

Finally, Geist snapped, and whipped around, with the most serious face on. He gripped Daniel by his collar. “Listen to me. You may be my friend, and you may not realize what you're are threatening to do, but stop it! If you tell anyone, I will kill you and whoever you told. Got that?” Wait--- wha? Kill him! But he's already dead! I'm seiriously confused. Yet interested... Just make sure you give enough that the reader does not stop reading.

Geist's anger was staring down at Daniel's soul.

Daniel, a bead of sweat trickling down his right temple, nodded.

Geist sighed heavily, then let go. He continued walking.

Daniel, shaken, stood for a second to gather his shattered wits. He walked fast to keep up with Geist's quickened pace.

After Daniel caught up, Geist added lightly, his face unreadable, “It's your wife's fault that I brang you back to life, so don't cry to me.” Hmmmm I would miss my husband if he died but I don't know...

All Daniel could do was stare.
Ahhhh what happens next?! kootos! You made me wonder! Though, if not for the fact I had no clue what was going on, it would be a great chapter! I mean it is, I really like the mystery... Though how does Red Hill figure into this? Maybe I'll see in the next chapter. But you did an awesome job and I'm going to review the next one! You had barely any if any at all grammatical errors and it is a great story.
chow for now,
sionarama
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A



Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data