A child's fear - Chapter 2

Spoiler

Here's my next chapter. I changed the age of Timmy to six. I might end up completely redoing the first chapter, but I'm not sure yet.

Chapter 2
As my opening act, I threw him into a sensation of weightlessness. That would get his fear rolling. I messed with his head, and waited with glee for the shriek of terror that always followed my entrance. He squirmed and struggled and kicked, trying to escape; trying to find a sense of gravity, but was silent. Bad move kid, bad move. So, this impudent little brat wanted to ruin my night? I’d see about that.

I materialized my misty outline into a solid form, one he could see. Why not scare him with my most horrifying shape first? That would burst his bubble, and it’d be easy from there.
His Jaw dropped open in surprise.

“Y-y-you’re a girl? Monsters can’t be girls.” He mumbled in disbelief.

I was a full clad in monster with sharp nails, and teeth, and everything, and he only noticed I was a girl? He shouldn’t have even been able to tell that I was a girl.

That would have been a great time to retreat and find a new child to scare. I should’ve. I definitely should have.

“You shouldn’t look like that. You look too much like a boy.” He mused with an incredibally silly and childich expression.

He smiled and reached his hand out. Bundles of energy bolted through me as his small fingers pierced the layer of shadows, and stroked my limp, grayish hair. Shadows reeled and jumped as if hit by static electricity. My hair settled down into a curly mass of golden-brown hair, and the tingling feeling coursed through my skin. Scar after scar disappeared from my face. When only one was left, over my right eyebrow, the electric stuff disappeared. I glanced in a mirror on the wall, and noticed a host of other changes. Not cool, so not cool.

I disappeared under the bed as I should have done earlier, dove for the portal, and hurried back home to get a grip on what happened. This would all just go away. I only had to figure out how…

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Back in my cave I sat heaving on my pile if blankets. Adrenalin wouldn’t stop coursing through my body. I was becoming light headed. What was up with that? There was no way the little kid should have been able to do that, no way. Never ever ever had I ever heard of it…never.

The pitter patter of feet provided the distraction my mind needed. Snarling I threw myself around the corner, and went barreling into Matthew.

“Of course don't knock. Why would anyone bother to knock at my door?” I was frustrated my tone and posture carried the venom I felt.

“Number one it's an entrance not a door, number two you should be expecting me, number three what's up?”

I wracked my brains for a reason he should have been there, but came up with nothing. Rather than bear the silence, he chose to speak up and offer an explanation.

“Number one you had an interesting day. Number two the town council sent me. Number three, the town council sent you a message number four…”

“Stop numbering your freaking answers. It's getting annoying.” I shouldn’t have snapped at the town councilman's messenger. He was just a cute little dog, but I was already in a bad mood and his stupid habit was grinding on my ears. I always found dogs annoying, but Matthew was particularly so.

“So, what did the Council want?”

“Your little friend finally named you”

“Oh…joy, that's just great.”

I shouldn't have used sarcasm with Matthew. It never worked on dogs.

“Actually you're right” he said with a stupid grin plastered on his face.
I looked him straight in the eyes and glared. Why did he always have to play this pathetic, stupid word game?

“Hey pretty one, did you know that your eyes are hazel now, not red.”

“I think I noticed”

Matthew leaned against the stone grey wall, smiling his face off. He had one more card to play. He had hinted at it once before.

“What did I miss that you think is so hilarious? Come on, out with it.”

“He named you Joy. Isn't that funny?”

Now He was just trying to get on my nerves. I was furious, but there was no way on earth I was going to show it. After quickly ushering him out the door and creating a rockslide to seal myself in, I returned to my bed and collapsed sobbing. Nothing was going right today. Nothing was going as planned. Within five seconds I forced myself to sleep. I was done for the day, and nothing was going to get me up.

Hello, Lavvi in to review.

I didn't read the first chapter of this, so I'll try not to address anything that could possibly have already been talked about in the first chapter.

You're start was great. I instantly [almost] understand what she was going, which is good because it proves that anyone could have jumped into your story at the second chapter. Your narration is fluid and steady--always nice, obviously. There are only a few things you might want to be attentive about.

First, however minor it is, twice you capitalized "He" or "She". Once near the beginning and the second time close to the finish of your chapter.

Secondly, some parts of your dialogue need to be tweaked slightly.

“Your little friend finally named you”

A period must got between the word 'you' and your closing quotation. You have a few of these errors throughout your chapter and they are quite easy to find. There's also another time where your dialogue is problematic, but it has nothing to do with grammar within it.

“You shouldn’t look like that. You look too much like a boy.”

Okay, so I can tell now that this was the little boy speaking, but it took me a few read-overs to get that. You might want to specify who's talking here, either before the quotation or after. It doesn't matter, just as long as you tell us who's speaking and who's not

The third thing that I'd like to approach is:

I glanced in a mirror on the wall, and noticed a host of other changes.

So your protagonist has mentioned that she's changed, but perhaps she can tell us how she's changed? We, as readers, would like to know.

Overall, it was a nice piece, and I found it enjoyable to read. With a few fixings of things, it'll be just that much better.

Lavvi

Hello again!

So he isn't afraid? What a concept.

It's ironic that he would name her Joy, especially since she was supposed to terrify him. I also like the idea of nightly terrors having a seperate dimension where they can socialize and live. You've really thought a hundred miles away fromt he box on this one, haven't you? I saw no mistakes the reviewer above me didn't catch first. Repeating them would be a waste of my time and a waste of yours for having to read them again, so I will spare you that wasted time.

I really hope you do continue this. "A Child's Fear" has peeked my intrest. I wish you luck on your writing and I hope writer's block doesn't plague you like it has so many others.

Cosmic