[Untitled]

The beauty of my heart
is nothing more than false promises
and never-ending clutchings for love
corrupted by depression
plagued by self-doubt
an enigma waiting to be unleashed
enclosed in a stone prison
with just a small hole for air
the key thrown in a forgotten pool
of blood drained from the remnants
of my collapsing pathways
the weight of my chained splendour
prevents me from flapping my wings
and leaving this hell hole
soaring to that long lost nirvana
that everyone seeks.

*crying softly* OMG this is sooo cool...I love how it's like going from how you're like hopeless too looking for heaven...this is beautiful! (k, sam, find something to critique!) Gotta wait for Incandescence to get to this, though...he's the final opinion. *lol*

I really love your stuff I a\m a bit like same I just love things and never very good with saying what to change. There really isn't anything wrong with it, it flows wonderfully and the worlds really capture the sense of emotion.
muchous love wuxx

Thanks. I'll just wait for someone to tell me what to change then....

don't bother, firestarter- there's not really anything TO change!

But you said Incandescence hasn't commented, and he's your final opinion, right?

an enigma waiting to be unleashed
enclosed in a stone prison
with just a small hole for air

I loved this part the most. However two small problems. Well, one small problem. The other, a big problem.

and never-ending clutchings for love

You should probably take out the "and." I read it without it and it sounded better.

Second problem. C...c...commas...commas...needs commas...

Second problem. C...c...commas...commas...needs commas...

I didn't use any punctuation for a reason. It's supposed to be really fast.

This fell in the realm of mediocricity. The rhythm: perfect. The style: you. The poem: everyone. The meaning conveyed to me was that you wanted some sort of redemption, for your suffering or not suffering, whichever you want. Whether or not that's the point, and I highly doubt it is, it sounded like something most of us could write, some of use, though, would have to try very hard. Having read all of your poetry, I know you can do better than this. It was full of imagery and yearning for a point. If you tried, you could refine the idea of this poem and morph it into something more easily conveyed.

As a poem, the style and rhythm engulfs its readers and, upon first inspection, led me to believe that it was beautiful. And it is beautiful, in the sect of just that: style and rhythm. The point was rather vague and was not fully communicated with the reader. Or in a sense that the reader could connect the point to their lives. You might have been trying for something that has the effect of captivating the reader in the flow of the poem (and if you do, I commend you), but if it was supposed to pull of a conviction of what you seem to believe or present in this poem, it failed. I like your writings, just not this.

All your points are correct. I mainly wrote the poem for it's pace, yes, not for it's ideas, because they are rather general and not focused onto anything. Hence the lack of punctuation and decent rhythm I constructed. I'm not to sure how to change this into something more presentable, as I guess at the time of writing I was into the subject matter a lot more. However, thanks fo5 your comments, I'll perhaps look back onto this at a later time.

I thought the pace was great. It was what a poem should be. The vocabulary, the pace, the expression. Everything. It was a good poem and you deserve the great reviews you got back. It was very good.