Unbound~Prologue

Spoiler

Okay, so this concept is an idea I had a long time ago, but I just typed this up last night... you might not get exactly what's going on, because you're not supposed to. That'll be explained later. I'm worried about how the characters come across here... so, tell me what you think. I don't usually write prologues, but I feel in this story it's necessary…Or, at least, it's relevant to the story...

There is a place that hangs above all existence. A maze of narrow pathways made of metal frames, metal railings, and wooden floorboards. They call it the Catwalks.

On the edge of the network there was a girl, seventeen or so, with pale skin and dark, reddish brown hair hanging at her shoulders. She was wearing a long sleeved black dress that fell to her feet. Her elbows were resting on the Catwalk’s metal railing, and she was looking down at the universe in all its beauty and horror; its magnificence and its insignificance, her face downcast in worry.

As she stared down, suddenly, she was aware of some presence. Something that appeared quicker and more silently then any earthly being ever could, but she had sensed it, she knew it was standing behind her, staring at her with eyes she knew well. “It’s time,” she sighed into the darkness that surrounded them.

Footsteps could be heard for a moment, then someone appeared next to her on the Catwalks. He was tall, a little older looking then her, with short, spiky, jet-black hair, fair skin, and dark blue eyes that stared out into the nothingness without expression, “Go then,” he instructed her.

She then looked at him, curiously, “You think you’re ready to take command of the Unbound?”

He rolled his eyes, “No offense, Rai, but I’ve taken over for you before. It’s not a very tough job.”

She scoffed, “Emjai, I expect you to show me a little respect!”

“And I’m sorry to disappoint,” he shrugged.

She narrowed her eyes at him, “You do realize I could snuff your existence out if I wanted to?”

“I know,” he replied, “but I also believe you have reason to keep me around.”

She turned her face back to the universe, “Well, I guess that’s true enough, Emjai. I couldn’t ask for a better deputy.”

“Why haven’t you left yet?” he asked, not sounding annoyed, or confused; completely nonchalant.

“You’re going to miss me,” she informed him.

He didn’t respond at first. Because he knows it’s true, Rai thought.

“Thirteen years might seem like a lot when you’re in Junior High, or, really when you’re any type of human, but you know as well as I that it’s almost nothing in the grand scheme of things.”

“But it is something when you’re in Junior High,” she reminded him.

Emjai nodded, “Right.”

She groaned slightly, “Everything’s more complicated when you’re a teenager.”

“Even more complicated then when you’re queen of the universe?” he asked.

“Definitely,” she replied, “in fact, besides these last few decades, and the very beginning, it’s been the simplest task I’ve ever been faced with. Almost boring, really.”

“Really?” he asked, slightly surprised.

Rai gave him a confused look, “You’ve taken over for me before. You know how it is… there’s nothing to do. I’m glad to be heading back to Earth. I’m ready for humanity again… to have oxygen in my lungs. To feel tired, and hungry, and…I don’t know…”

“Pain,” he suggested, his voice low and daunting, but at the same time it held a quality of deep longing.

She snorted, “Emjai, you’re such a freak,” after a small pause she added, “but, yeah, that too.”

“Are you leaving now?” he asked, beginning to sound just a bit irked.

She sighed, “Okay, okay, I am.” She paused, opened her mouth, then closed it, trying to decide what to say, “See you in thirteen years,” she finally muttered.

Suddenly, Rai’s figure became more opaque. She stared around at the Catwalks as she faded, trying to hold on to the place in her memories. After taking a good look around, she turned back to Emjai, her face translucent by this time. The last thing she saw was his unnaturally blue, unnaturally sharp eyes. She smiled slightly. Then she was gone.

“See you,” Emjai muttered back, staring at the place she had stood. He leaned against the arm rail, and sighed. “Sort of.”

Okay, you've said you think this is relevent, so I'll take you at your word and leave the prologue bashing for now. I'm not a particularly character-centric reviewer, but I'll give it a go. First, though, some nitpicks.

They call it the Catwalks.

This stuck out, because we're so used to catwalk being a singular noun, I think. Does it have to be plural?

Her elbows were resting on the Catwalk’s metal railing.

However, if it is plural, this should be Catwalks'.

in all its beauty and horror; its magnificence and its insignificance, her face downcast in worry.

This should be a comma rather than a semi-colon, because a complete sentence needs to follow the semi-colon, and what you have is a fragment. Also, I'm going to suggest you use "her face cast down" rather than "downcast". I think it flows better, but it's up to you.

but she had sensed it, she knew it was standing behind her, staring at her with eyes she knew well.

Here, you do need the semi-colon or a full stop instead of the first comma.

He was tall, a little older looking then her, with short, spiky, jet-black hair, fair skin, and dark blue eyes that stared out into the nothingness without expression,

Okay, I think you launch into the description a little too readily here. We get a sentence, and we're expected to form an image of the character from this. I think you can space it out a little, and save some of this for later. That comma at the end there should also be a full stop.

She then looked at him, curiously,

Again, comma should be a full stop, as the dialogue is separate from the sentence. I'll use this next one as an example, as it's a bit easier to see.

He rolled his eyes, “No offense, Rai, but I’ve taken over for you before. It’s not a very tough job.”

Compare "he rolled his eyes" with "he said". It's definitely not a dialogue tag, like "he said", because it's a separate action that has nothing to do with the speech. It's a separate sentence, actually. Therefore, you need a full stop, so it looks like this.

He rolled his eyes. "No offense, Rai... etc

If that doesn't clear it up, PM me and I'll try to go through it more clearly. I know it's not the best explanation. Also, if you want me to go through and point out all the times you've done this, I will if you let me know; I don't, usually, because I think it's not very helpful to have a review with the same mistake pointed out over and over. If it would be, just PM me or write on my Wall.

On a completely unrelated note, how do you pronounce the ai sound in Rai and Emjai? You obviously don't need to include that in the prose, but it's just bothering me as I read.

confused; completely nonchalant.

Again, this needs to be a full sentence after the semi-colon. Try, "he was completely nonchalant."

The last thing she saw was his unnaturally blue, unnaturally sharp eyes.

Technically, this should be, "The last things she saw were his unnaturally blue, unnaturally sharp eyes." That doesn't flow as well, so consider rewording it.

I don't have many qualms about the way the characters are presented, other than the one about description I mentioned above. Rai seems slightly haughty, as if she can be a little cold, but loyal. Emjai seems like a nicer person. Those were my initial impressions, anyway. It's a tiny point, but Emjai's joking when he says that Rai's "queen of the universe", right? I mean, is that her actual title? Leader of the Unbound sounds so much more grandiose.

My only other worry is the setting. Well, the way the setting is presented, to be more precise. I think you need to make more mention of it here. Isn't it dizzying, being that high up? Is it surrounded by stars? Do the floorboards creak? It's a great idea, but I'd like to see more of it in this piece. We kind of forget where we are, which is a shame when it's such an interesting place.

Other than that, this is a good hook and makes me want to read on. I don't know whether Chapter 1 would do that job anyway, but I'll wait and see.

- Jet.

Hey there Tabby,

I won't give you an-depth review: Jet was quite thorough.

I will comment on the chapter, though.

When you read about foreign cultures, strange countries or different worlds, what hits you the most? I'd say the names they give things. The way they speak, the words they use, make them unique. It means that if we walked into a room, and they were speaking their different words, we'd know where they are from. Right?

Well, I didn't feel like this setting was different then say, my neighbour's house, or my own. They speak like we do, sigh like we do, and even name their catwalks like we do! Want I want, is for your setting to be as exotic as your prologue sounds. Leader of the unbourd, whoa! Sounds intriguing. But they talk like most teenagers, and they walk on the catwalk. Yawn. If you could make up the title to Rai, and create an exotic setting, I'm sure you could find something else to call those pathways.

Other than that nitpick, I thought this was very intriguing. I'd love to see where you go from here.

Great job with this chapter!

Tanya

Hey,

I'm not much of a reviewer but I will give my opinion of the prolouge.


It lacked a natural flow to me. It sounded choppy as I read it, even out loud. Maybe if you added some more 'meat' to your sentences where there is dialouge, it would flow better.

Then there is the decription of the characters, they were given to me in a short massive heap of words. It kinda confused me..
Other than that I liked it

~Shorty