I'm Still Smirking

Spoiler

Meant to be some kind of Christian affirmation poem or something. I'm struggling to expand it... tips? Struggling to imagine an ending

'ey darkness,
And trouble,
Prisoner's warden:
I'm still smirking.
I'm still smirkin' at you.

Cause one day ol' George'll bust this joint up.
'till then...
Your 'itchy black-white clothes'?
- Warm.
The slop?
Tasty.
The darkness?
Soothing.

This is interesting. I imagine a prisoner sitting in a jail waiting for someone to bust him out. Till then, he imagines that all the bad things about jail are temporarily good. You must be suggesting that even when we are faced with hard, depressing times and difficult situations that we stay strong and maintain a positive attitude. Well done chap!

I like this a lot. It's a quick read and I really like that.

But it also needs a quick fix.

The punctuation seems repetitve and unnesesary. There is way too much. Don't get me wrong, I love punctuation in a poem, but you use it excessivley.

Besides that I love the way it has a very original topic.

Keep Writing,

Kay

very short and stragiht to the point it speaks of defiance and determination o like it

I imagined the same thing Snickers did while reading this poem, and I think what makes it really good is the way you use dialogue- it's not very easy to build characters in short poems, and I think the way you wrote the dialogue really helped with that and made me hear exactly what the narrator would sound like. I would imagine it ending with what the narrator thinks about someone else, like the prison warden. I'm not sure why, but that's just kind of what I would expect at the end of it! It does sound slightly unfinished. It sounds to me though like you're saying, "you're trying to punish me, well actually, your punishments aren't working and I'm enjoying them." So I think that's why I would end with a personal dig.