Bleed

The day of the burning,
the night of the flood.
I was hidden in a chamber,
his name was Mudd.

Overthrown,
my heart was gone.
I waited for the new day,
and listened for dawn.

To say I loved him,
was a miserable lie.
I couldn't have bared it,
to cut the tie.

I was confused,
I was mistaken.
If I loved him,
I was forsaken.

If I was a queen,
I would be dead in an hour.
I could deal with my subjects,
just not the power.

If I were to love,
I know I would fail.
I could give him up,
break free of jail.

I love him,
I know.
But if I bleed,
It will show.

So now I say goodbye,
to my only love.
I will sing,
to my mourning dove.

I you hear my voice,
up in the stars.
Just keep in mind,
it leaves scars.

-FireBreather

A simply beautiful and very passionate piece, thestorygirl.
You’ve crafted this piece very well and you’ve given it a very illustrative feel.

The day of the burning,
the night of the flood.
I was hidden in a chamber,
his name was Mudd.

If I was a queen,
I would be dead in an hour.
I could deal with my subjects,
just not the power.

Again, very passionate and it is very clear that your character is very in love.
Nicely put together and the style of this poem is simply beautiful.
Keep up the good work!

I liked this a lot and thought it had a really simple flow to it that made it very poetic, but the only thing that bothered me was some of the ryming seemed strained and forced so try to edit it and it's alright if it doesn't rythme on some parts. Because on the next stanza you can rythme a part and it makes up for the whole thing! So thank you for posting! Keep writing!

So, if you don't mind, I'm going to do more of a stylistic review than anything else.


I want to start off by saying that I'm quite bias when it comes to this piece: I'm not terribly fond of rhyme schemes, especially short-lined ones. Rhyme schemes are really difficult to pull off. They can dominate your words really easily, meaning that the reader gets lost in seeing how the words fit and expecting the next rhyme, rather than weighing each word individually and falling into the images/emotion you've created. It becomes more and more about the rhythm of the the words, than the actual words themselves.

This means that you must have really superb rhythm in your piece to make this work. If the rhythm is smooth enough that the reader doesn't notice it, than rhyme schemes and make it feel like the words just kind of belong together, rather than covering them up. It's kind of like make-up in a way. (I know, weird analogy, but let me get there.)
There are some people that will use make-up to accentuate their features. It'll be smooth and natural looking, and make it look like they aren't wearing any, but are just more classically pretty than they would be otherwise. Then, there are people who slather makeup across their face. Rather than highlighting your features, it covers them.
Now, neither of these are necessarily wrong-- they're just different styles and different ways of wearing make-up. However, in poetry, we generally don't want to cover up our words. Our words are what matter, and they're what we write with.

Another thing about rhyming: never force it. Forced rhymes are what bias people like me cringe. When you word something oddly, you not only change the tone of your piece, but you compromise your writing-integrity in a way. Forcing rhymes is the equivalent of selling out in amateur poetry. Believe me. I have forced way too many rhymes in my past.

So, my main problems with your rhyme scheme:
First: The lines were very short, and so reinforced the rhyme scheme's dominance over your words. You don't have a whole lot of imagery or anything to balance your rhymes, and so the rhythm becomes almost overwhelming.
Second: Because the rhythm is so important, and can save your words from being overwhelmed by your rhymes, you need to work on this. Some parts of this piece just felt awkward. Not forced rhymes-wise, but just awkwardly flowing. For example:

I was confused,
I was mistaken.
If I loved him,
I was forsaken.

Say this out loud. Naturally. Don't try to slip into your rhyme-voice, as many writers do, but say it as you would reading it for the first time. It feels a little weird, doesn't it? When you have a rhyme scheme as strict as this one, you really need to watch your rhythm, and make sure it matches up perfectly. Otherwise, it can become kind of a mess.


Okay, okay. Enough with the rhyme scheme. Time for some talk on imagery.

Okay, now I'm a biig fan of imagery. It's a vice of mine. Your poem had a lot of imagery in a way, but it was mostly "telling" imagery, and most of it was vague and disconnected. You're very concise, yes, but I think that you need to be less so in order to let the reader know what you're talking about. You have some nice emotions, but we don't really know what to attach them to, or how they all connect.


How about some nitpicks on this now, yes?

The day of the burning,
the night of the flood.
I was hidden in a chamber,
his name was Mudd.

This stanza is incredibly vague, right until the last line until you have a random mention of someone named "Mudd". If you're going to do this, you need to elaborate on who this Mudd is, what role he is playing, and what the rest of your description is about. Why was it the day of the burning? What was burning? What had flooded? Why were you hidden in a chamber, what type of chamber...?
Those kind of questions. This stanza seems like it's trying to feel mysterious, but to perfectly honest, I'm left more confused than anything else.

Overthrown,
my heart was gone.
I waited for the new day, This line feels awkward in its rhythm.
and listened for dawn. Love this line-- I really like the feel of it, the emotion, and the simple image that you've created... listening for dawn. It evokes a lot that the reader can relate with.

This stanza, it seems like you're referencing a great deal of pain being overcome. Like, you've reached the end of your string, and now you're waiting for it all to pass by. Now, I think that's good. But, the imagery you created in the last stanza feels completely disconnected from this, and there's no fluidity between the emotions. What about you hiding in a chamber? What happened to Mudd?

To say I loved him,
was a miserable lie. This line almost seems to make the poem redundant. Maybe I was caught with the ambiguity-bug, but I thought this was a painful piece about having loved and lost someone.
I couldn't have bared it, *born
to cut the tie. This last line feels rhythmically awkward.

If I was a queen,
I would be dead in an hour. Having power would kill you?
I could deal with my subjects,
just not with the power.

This stanza feels out of place to me-- I don't really get where it fits into the story that you're weaving. I've talked a lot about ambiguous imagery, and this is what I mean. You offer up this hypothetical situation in order to allow us to relate to the actual one you're talking about. I think.
But, I don't really get how this relates and expands on your original idea.

If I were to love, Again, this line feels weird, considering what this poem is about.
I know I would fail.
I could give him up,
break free outof jail.

You need more concrete emotions. You talk about not ever having loved, hypothetically loving, and then saying that you DO love him with definity. Maybe depict more of a struggle in your fight to define your feelings; right now, it feels like you're just switching back and forth, and it gets kind of confusing. Also, this seems to be a theme of the poem, slipping from denial to reluctant admittance: recognize that theme and make it stronger.
The next stanza is really clippy-feeling-- I'd expand.

So now I say goodbye,
to my one andonly love.
I will sing, Maybe repeat "I will sing" again, or add in something with three syllables?
to my sweet/sadmourning dove.

The rhythm in this one is seriously wonky. Wonky enough to actually use the word wonky. The above are suggestions on how you can fix it, though I'm sure you could think of some better stuff.

I you hear my voice, I'm assuming the "I" is a typo?
up in the stars. Honestly, this is a little odd piece of imagery right here. I'd put "sky" or "near the stars" or something, because "in the stars" just sounds/looks odd to me.
Just keep in mind, This line sounds really casual to me, almost an inconsistency in the tone you've set up for the entire poem.
Dylan scars.

Okay, the last two lines really bother me here. They're kind of rather and the very last one is very specific. You could put something like, "That _____ Dylan scars." Right now, I can't think of an adjective, but one could definitely go there.




Okay-- my overall.
So, I know that my review was kind of harsh (and ridiculously long, sorry 'bout that), but I did like this. You have a nice base of emotion. It's obvious that you really have some feelings behind this piece. I would just try to develop their voice in your words, and share those feelings with your reader.
You need to be more specific and tighter with your descriptions. You jump from image to image without much connection, and while it has a nice spectrum of scenes that seem to be alike, they don't really tie in together throughout the piece. You also need to clarify the emotions that you've created. They seem to switch a lot, but without purpose. If you want them to grow from denial to knowledge, make that transition stronger and tangible.
Like I said, I did like this: with some work, I think it could be really good. Let me know if you need anything else.

-Coral-

Thanx Coral, Snickerdooly, and TDMitchell. I know my rhyming is really bad. Never tried it so it explains why I'm so horribly bad with it. Anyway, I'll probobly do a rewrite of it in a month or two once I've worked on my writing. Anyway just comment and ride ponies. Sorry that last part was so weird. Just riding a pony always cheers me up.

Hey Storygirl, I'm here to review as requested! I don't normally review poetry, so please bear with me.

Overall, I think it's a good poem; the rhyming scheme feels a bit off in places, and a bit forced, like you're trying to get it all to fit neatly into the constraints of the syllable structure and the rhythm. But since Persephoneia's already given an extremely long and detailed review, and she knows considerably more about poetry than I do, I'll say no more on the matter.

As for the subject itself, I found it interesting and a little mysterious. I really don't know what you were trying to convey with it all, but I'm sort of a black-and-white person, not one for subtleties, and you know your poem's meaning much more than I do. I had a vague idea that you were writing from the viewpoint of someone from history, though I have no idea who it could be (I'm not much of a history buff).

I was hidden in a chamber,
his name was Mudd.

I have no idea who you're referring to with this. Is it supposed to be his actual name, or an allegorical nickname for him based on what he's done to her?

Okay, so that's all I have to say. I'm sorry I couldn't be much help, but Persephoneia's pretty much got it covered. Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it! Please PM me if you've got any questions. Cheers! (:

I agree that the rhyme scheme is a bit off and throws the poem off a bit, but overall I saw the emotion and passion that went into this work. It is a great piece of literature. With that said if rhyming isn't your strong suit I would not do it because it does dominate your work. That is why most classical poetry has fallen out of the mainstream because people do not enjoy all lines that sound the same or are similar. i would scrap the rhyming and a bit more variety of words, but overall this poem was interesting and inspiring in some ways. Good job.

Hey Story girl! Perseph already gave you a really in-depth critique, so I'm going to be brief.

I found this poem hard to follow. You seem to have taken the ideas of "love" and "pain" and let them loose with a bunch of rhymes without really focusing on any one train of thought in particular. What does Mudd have to do with anything? What does being Queen and having power have to do with anything? Your narrator can't seem to decide whether or not she loves this guy or not-- she denies it repeatedly and then goes out and says "I love him". I can't decide whether she wants to be with him or not. Most of the images here are cliches-- forsaken, miserable lies, scars, bleeding. The one line I did like was "and listened for dawn", because it's the one that says something original-- I wonder what dawn sounds like? It's the only one that conjures up any image or emotion for the readers. Otherwise, and I hate to say it, this is just an angsty love poem.

Rhyming poetry is hard, because you have to fight against just including a word because it rhymes rather than because it actually contributes depth, imagery, or meaning. Next time you tackle a rhyming poem, try to focus on a more unique idea-- something specific rather than the vagueness of "love" and "bleeding". Next time you try any kind of poem, really!

Anyway, I apologize if this is harsh. Keep writing, and feel free to PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hi, Story! Thanks for the request.

You've gotten some really good critiques on this piece so far and I don't want to be too repetitive, so this will be a short critique. Like Evi, I found this poem somewhat hard to follow. You relay all these ideas to us, especially about love, but there doesn't seem to be a central theme or anything tying it all together, and thus we seem lost and confused. Right now, we're not very emotionally attached because you haven't really given us anything to build off of. Also, like Evi said, I would focus on your images and move past the cliches. Even though this a poem, it doesn't mean that you can't still build character -- who is the girl? How long has she been with the guy? What are some reasons for and against? You bring up some interesting thoughts, like the line about the queen. I'd like to see that embellished and and added to a bit more.

Overall, just work on your emotions and your images, and I think you can make this into something dramatic and deeply moving! Hope this helps! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any further questions or if this was review was unhelpful. Best of luck with your revisions!

~ Elinor

I liked this, it was well thought out.
I also liked the structure of it, it was simple yet kept me, personally, reading.
The idea of it was good too thought I do admit some of the stuff could be worded slightly better to give that real edge towards it.
I especially liked:

So now I say goodbye,
to my only love.
I will sing,
to my mourning dove.

It gave some beautiful imagery.
Well done!