Melusine

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(First off, realize this is an experiment and so is the title. Secondly, I wrote this with a 99.1 fever and it's probably unfinished, but I feel like it might be good enough on its own (but it might not, hence me posting it here).

NOTE: This has been edited and finished with help from my reviewers. Big kudos to them!)

///


It wasn’t that odd for Cattie to be sitting on the beach. Being sprawled out on the sand was one of her favorite pastimes. However, people kept giving her these odd looks—as if they were silent questioning her.
But she was known for being paranoid, so she just lifted her shades and let them fully block out the winter sunlight.
She paused, wondering if it was the time of year she was attempting to sunbathe in worried them.
That made no sense, however.
She just looked down at herself. Her swimsuit was in place, so it wasn’t as if this was just one of those dreams you were naked in front of a crowd in.
She decided to just ignore the bystanders. Her eyes wandered over the white-gray sand beach as she laid back, elbows sinking into the dry grit. There wasn’t anything much to see; just a bunch of seagulls wandering around and looking for things of interest—like the marshmallows the people here seemed fond of pelting at them.
She sighed and looked farther on. Dark green-brown water, murky, with a pelican and a few seabirds rocking on the waves were directly in her view. An overweight man with an orange tube was off to the right, not moving with the waves like the birds.
She wondered if she should ask the lifeguard whether or not he was a drowning risk, but then she decided against it. Everyone else did the same thing.
People weren’t made for the sea. She’d decided that a while back. She liked looking, but the water itself made her gut clench.
Her eyes moved to the overcast sky and stayed there a moment, before going back to the fat man when he started screaming.
Her eyes widened behind amber lenses. He wasn’t drowning, which would have made her feel extremely guilty, but he did seem to be struggling more than before. She couldn’t tell why, though.
Then she saw the black fin a few yards to his left surface. She understood what his problem was. He’d seen a shark. Well, it could still be a dolphin.
She was up on her feet and racing to the lifeguard’s hut on stilts or whatnot seconds later, though, towel and bag left behind her. Dolphins were still pretty deadly, and it was sort of fifty-fifty after all.
Moments later, she was staring up at a far-too-tan, brown-haired hunk. She didn’t give a darn about his appearance, but she had to take note. Cliché things caught her interest like that.
“Yeah, what is it?” he asked her, sticking his nose up out of the book he’d been reading.
She pointed back at the fat guy, who was far enough away his screams were silent. He was halfway to shore and most of the other beach-goers were out of the water, but whatever the water beastie was it was circling the group.
“I’ve noticed that Jaws has gotten past the nifty net whoever runs this beach put up. I assume it’s your responsibility to do something about it.”
The beach-boy cursed like a sailor and was out of his tall house seconds later. With his bulk, she found that rather admirable.
He also was yapping into a cell phone now.
She figured she better head back to her things. She could hardly swim, and she wasn’t willing to jump in the water after the fat guy, so she might as well.
That wasn’t too horrible, was it?
#
She’d taken to reading a magazine. This wasn’t something she normally did, but she’d been bored and bought one on boats at the pier yesterday.
It was as boring and confusing as she’d expected.
She just sighed and looked back around. People were gathered up higher on the beach, freaking out, or they’d already headed off to the next stop in their lives, also freaking out. None of them seemed dead or maimed, however, so she figured that was a good sign.
A fisherman had also come along and claimed the shark, which was now on display up on the parking lot—hanging from its tail.
Oh, and yes, it had been a shark.
She sighed and just shook her head, glancing back down at the glossy pages of the mag.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately since she was getting bored again, her attempt at reading didn’t last long. A shadow fell over her and made the words all blur together. She frowned and glanced up, only to see the lifeguard from before. He was smiling uneasily and he didn’t look too happy, whereas he probably should be since he did lug that fat man out of the last few feet of water.
“Hello,” she said, while squinting up at him.
“Um, hi,” he said, “I’m Van.”
“Like the shoes?”
“No.” He now looked confused.
She tilted her head. “What is it you want to talk to me about?” She paused. “And could you get out of my sun?”
“Ah, right.” He stepped aside until he was standing beside her.
She kept looking at him, waiting for him to answer her first question.
Soon enough, the light bulb seemed to go off in his head. “I, uh, wanted to talk to you about—well, it doesn’t really matter.” He swallowed hard and she wondered what had him in such a tizzy, but she didn’t dare ask.
“You know, that’s a pretty cool look you have there.”
She blinked and just lifted a hand to shield her vision from the sun as she continued to watch him.
“Nice hair and all,” he mumbled. “I like blue.”
She chuckled. “It wasn’t meant to be a statement. I hate those—so concise and rigid and all. I much prefer artistic expression. That and I just like blue.”
She laid down the magazine and twirled a strand of her choppy-cut hair. She felt an odd feeling in her stomach at the compliment, but her amusement won out at his confused expression—so she just smiled and ignored it.
“Well, I imagine so,” he said finally. “I mean, you’d have to like blue.”
“Why’s that?” She tilted her head, curious.
“Other than you dyeing your hair?”
“Other than that,” she said.
“You come to the beach almost every day. The ocean is blue.”
“Not really.” She turned away from him so she was staring back at the object of their current snatch of conversation—the sea. The sea, which was an ugly mess of fish poop, latch-on plants, and deadly things she wanted nothing to do with.
“Huh?”
She exhaled. He was beginning to annoy her, actually. A compliment was one thing, but he wasn’t going anywhere and he seemed far too interested in everything she did—just like everyone else.
And he had the same carbon-copy ideas of why she did everything, too.
“Why are you talking to me?”
“You’re the only person this far down the beach, you didn’t get worked up. You acted brave and probably saved a guy’s life.”
“That had nothing to do with me.”
And everything was quiet for a bit. She liked it. The sound of the waves, one thing about the ocean she did like, and seagulls calling the only noise. It was much more relaxing than having to deal with people.
She’d never liked having to deal with people.
The lifeguard sighed finally. “Could I maybe take you to dinner?”
That made her freeze, only for a second, though. Her hands clenched the sand and her head whipped back, hair falling onto her sunglasses as she stared up at him. He looked as awkward as she felt.
“Are you asking me out on a date?”
“Um, sort of,” he said.
“Why?”
“Like I said,” he began.
She cut him off as a thought hit her, “Are you bribing me?”
“What?” He was going red.
“You are.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. Now he’d turned interesting. “You’re bribing me so that I don’t report you for reading on the job.”
“No!”
“Yes.” She laughed quietly.
There was almost-silence again.
“Maybe,” he admitted finally.
“Well, this will be fun.”
“Huh?” He was back to monosyllabic questions.
“Buy me lobster and I won’t tell a soul.” She smiled slyly at him. Then she threw the magazine at him. “And explain boats to me. And don’t you dare say I won’t understand because I’m a lady, something that happened when I tried to learn about cars, because then I will report you.”
He gulped.
This day was getting wholly more interesting.
“After that?” he asked. He looked worried. She wondered why. She figured he thought she’d blackmail him into more things, going from his question and his expression.
“That’s all.”
At the whoosh of breath he pretty much let loose on her, she figured she was right.
“Well, that and brush your teeth before you pick me up. And bathe.”
He nodded and just plopped down in the sand beside her. He picked up the magazine and started talking, maybe a little too fast to follow. She didn’t really care, though. She knew she could ask for him to slow down, explain something more, or whatever as soon as she wanted.
It was nice.
Too bad it was forced.
But she decided to ignore that, too.


///

(Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? All types of reviews except flames make me happy. :) Oh, and remember, she wasn't meant to be sympathetic.
And, if you could, tell me if it was too jumpy or if anything confused you. I feel like I had a problem with that, mainly because she came out of nowhere (actually, out of a Jenny Lewis' song even if I didn't involve it) and seemed set on being apathetic.
Yeah.
I'll leave this here. ;) )
Last edited by Cspr on Mon Jan 31, 2011 1:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
My SPD senses are tingling.




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Hey,
I was intruiged, but you didn't lead up to anything. I liked the character and how she cared enough to tell someone else about it but didn't feel moved to do anything herself. It's a new twist. I don't think she was apathetic per say, but not as concerned as one might expect. I liked it.


It wasn’t that odd for Cattie to be sitting on the beach. Being sprawled out on the sand was one of her favorite pastimes. However, people kept giving her these odd looks—as if they were silent questioning her.
silently

But she was known for being paranoid, so she just lifted her shades and let them fully block out the winter sunlight.

She paused, wondering if it was the time of year she was attempting to sunbathe in worried them.

That made no sense, however.

She just looked down at herself. Her swimsuit was in place.

Huh.

Why did you include this? You go on about nothing that impacts the story. Why are people staring at her. I was wondering that the entire time.

She decided to just ignore the bystanders.
I don't like the just there, but that's just an opinion.

Her eyes moved to the overcast sky and stayed there a moment, before going back to the fat man when he started screaming.
Later on, you say he's too far away to hear. You need to make your facts match up.

Dolphins were still pretty deadly and it was sort of fifty-fifty after all.
Since you have two independent clauses connected by a conjunction, you need a comma before the and.

Moments later, she was staring up at a far-too-tan and brown-haired hunk.
I would replace the and with a comma. It sounds better.

“Yeah, what is it?” he asked her, sticking his nose up out of the book he’d been reading.
Are lifeguards allowed to do that? Don't they have to pay attention to the ocean and the swimmers?

She could hardly swim and she wasn’t willing to jump in the water after the fat guy, so she might as well.
Another comma before the and.

I feel like we're left hanging. I would continue it some to develop the characters. I don't feel like your main character has really done anything yet. And, I liked her attitude. It's rare to find a main character that doesn't risk their life for some stranger's, so I want you to continue it, if you feel like it. Good grammar. Since that's what I normally focus on, this review isn't the best. I like your writing style. If you ever need a review, click the second link on my signature and request one.
Megsug
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Hi there, Lavvi in to review.

As megsug already mentioned, you don't really lead up to anything. It's just a short story that's just kind of...there.

Even though this was short, I really liked it. You managed (somehow) to create a character in such a short piece that someone could associate with. We see her flaws, her strong points and she's no Mary Sue. She's a nicely written character. I liked how she wasn't exceptionally unusual--she seemed to be actually quite normal, very human-like.

(I'm not sure how the title works in to your story, but I'm guessing that's the girl's name? If not, I'm at a loss.)

I liked how you described the beach. Very non-chalant, calmly. Like any other beach day. You didn't drown us with over-the-top descriptors, which was nice. I found myself enjoying this story quite a lot, despite its simplicity. Perhaps that's what drew me in.

Either way, if you take this into a novel or just leave it how it is, it's a nice story.

Lavvi
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl



The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris