The Sword of Selliadora, Prologue: The City of Aeir

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*Edit* I've adjusted this as much as possible without elimininating what is in my opinion vital information. Some chunks have been moved and will be seen in the first chapter, but it's as much as I can do (per the first comment). I'm not happy about all the paragraph breaks, but for the sake of easier reading, I guess I have to deal with it.

This is the prologue to the novel/novella I'm currently working on. I still don't know what it will really end up being by the time I'm done with it. I don't really know for sure what the rating should be, but because of some of the themes in the novel, I'm giving the prologue a 16+ rating, I'm not sure whether or not some subsequent chapters should be marked as 16+ or 18+ so they will be marked as 18+

Prologue--The city of Aeir

The city of Aeir, though prosperous, was not the best place to live. The streets were alive with all sorts of tradesmen offering services, and there was no end to the variety of delicacies available. If you were searching to satiate the human appetite, you needed to look no further then Aeir. Merchants knew of this city as one of the best places to sell all sorts of exotic goods and services, since there was no restriction to be found. Though frowned on by nearby cities, Aeir offered slave traders the option to sell their goods without persecution.

In fact, the governor of Aeir, Jarod, was heavily involved in the trade himself, and the city officials and guards were under his payroll to ensure that this profitable market remained available. This trade market was not in any way discreet, and in fact, there was an entire section of the public marketplace dedicated solely to the buying and selling of slaves.

This was a city where people had become comfortable with the exploitation of their fellow man and woman, because it meant prosperous living for the rest. No one asked questions about the people being sold; no one asked how they became slaves. Nobody cared so long as it was not them stripped naked on the auction block to be sold to the highest bidder.

Considering the conditions, one would wonder why anyone trying to raise a family would remain within the limits of this corrupt society. Sometimes by the time you realize you need to escape, it is too late to do so. The protection the city offered was some of the best you could find. A city with coffers as extensive as those of Aeir could afford to protect what it desired, even if funded by something as evil as the selling of human lives.

The city was built against the ancient forest of Selliadora, and walls surrounded the three sides not guarded by the forest. A much smaller wall was constructed on the forest side. The wall constructed to separate the forest from the city itself was little more than a fence to stop the animals from attacking citizens; it was a stone wall standing six feet tall. The forest itself was considered haunted, and very rarely were attempts made by anyone to navigate within its borders.

On the Northern, southern, and eastern sides of the city, huge walls of stone were constructed to enclose the city against the forest. These walls stood a staggering thirty-six feet high and fifteen feet thick. The northern and southern walls stretched east from Selliadora for five stadia (One stadium being six hundred feet), while the eastern wall that connected them measured a staggering length of eight stadia.

The eastern wall had bastions with ballistae every quarter-stadium along its length. It had a large double gate halfway along its length which served as the primary entrance to the city. The northern wall had bastions positioned in the same manner, but no gate, since it was deemed pointless. There were no major cities in the north with which Aeir necessitated trades, and therefore had no need for a gate on the northern wall. The southern wall had bastions along its length as the northern and eastern walls, and there was a single reinforced gate on this wall to provide a secondary entrance and exit to the city.

Sentries constantly patrolled all of the walls, and the ballistae were manned constantly to quell any attempted attack by a foreign power. Aeir was considered one of the most fortified cities of its day, and it stood as a stronghold of evil in sight of many foreign cities. No attack had ever succeeded in breaching the walls or getting through the gates.

Raising a family in the city of Aeir was not the dream that Hannah’s parents envisioned, but in the face of certain destruction, it was the only place to which they could have fled. Originally from a small town on the city outskirts, they found themselves helpless against an army advancing from the east. They had only two choices: be destroyed the hostile army, or flee to the city of Aeir and start a new life behind its protective walls. They knew the evils committed in this city, but for the sake of preserving their lives they made the journey. They told themselves that they would move out of the city when it became possible, but the siege lasted longer than anyone could have expected.

It was only because the city had a secret, though treacherous, route through Selliadora that additional supplies were able to be transported into the city. The haunted forest became the sole lifeline in the last few months of the siege. Although there were more supplies that were lost than there were that made it through, there were barely enough provisions to sustain the city. Eventually, due to the cost of maintaining the siege, and the conclusion that there was not an end in sight, the hostile army ended the siege and retreated.

Aeir had survived, and protected its citizens. By the end of the three year siege, the couple that had fled for safety had already born their first child, Hannah, who was by this time two years old. They couldn’t leave legally now, as the law of this city was that anyone born within the city limits could not leave until they reached adulthood.

Advancing eighteen years, the couple had become involved with a secret organization which sought to overthrow the current governor, and end the evil slave trade in the city. Hannah also had a sister, Charity, who was now eight years old. Although the couple knew that their associations left their children in danger, they sought desperately to escape the walls which protected them so long ago. Where once they looked at the walls as a fortress of protection, they now saw an enormous prison.
Last edited by Epidemic on Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:05 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Hi Epidemic! I'm your reviewer for today!

My first thought when I saw this story: Whhhoooooaaaa! That's a lot of text! When someone sees a wall of writing, it's instantly off-putting. It makes your story look ten times more effort to read than it probably is. I would suggest breaking up these huge, blocky paragraphs and, who knows, you may attract more reviewers.

When I read your author's note above the prologue, alarm bells began to shriek in my mind.
If this seems really cut and dry, that's because it is. I'm using the prologue as a sort of information dump, so that people are introduced to the setting, the city, and the direction the story is going. It introduces important aspects about the city so that I don't have to explain them later.

No one wants to have to sit there and wade through an info dump. This is a story, not a text book conveying huge amounts of information in one paragraph. Was this boring for you to write? Maybe not; you might imagine your characters and how they live in such a place, but the readers don't know your characters. I am in the mood to find out about your world, but most people will see your note and instantly click off the page.
What really worried me, however, was the part I've put in bold. Lazy writing is baaad. If you can't be bothered to write it, why should we be bothered to read it?

Instead of having everything thrown at the reader at once, why not pepper it throughout the story? We're far more likely to remember everything/most things, and not be bored after the first few paragraphs. ;] You have good ideas! I just don't like the way you've presented them in this instance.

I'm so sorry for the bad review, but I want to help and I feel the way you've gone about with this story so far isn't credible to you. If you do re-do this prologue and invest more interest into it, I'm sure you'll see a vast improvement. Take a look at some existing prologues, check out the beginnings of published books. Maybe that will help to motivate you.

I hope I wasn't too harsh ):

~EmmaJane~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD




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Thanks for the input.
I did enjoy writing the prologue because it is essentially the backdrop to the story. I've been re-reading it to see if I could move stuff around, but the problem is making the vital information fit into the story without actually interrupting the flow. For example, the city's description which marks it as a veritable fortress isn't really something I can put in without it being seen just tossed in.

The "so I don't have to explain it later" should probably have been more a "because it wouldn't fit the flow of the story at a later point." The point was, later in the story, the information about it will become important, but at the same time, it doesn't really present itself to be explained without briefly derailing the story. The part that talks about the past war doesn't really fit in the chapters either. Explaining the motivation for Hannah's parents moving to Aeir coincides with this, and doesn't fit into the chapters.

There are a few things I might be able to force into chapters later on, but all of it would still interrupt the flow of the story to a degree, and that was my biggest concern, and biggest reason for using the prologue as I did.
One question, would you have read this differently if that author's note hadn't been there?

*Edit* I broke up the big blocks of text as much as I can at this point.




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Hey Epidemic, Hawk here for a review.

Okay, so a lot of what Emma said is really good -- you definitely do not want to overwhelm the reader with all of the background info, especially in the very beginning of the story. Frankly, I found my interest waning as the descriptions and history went on; it's not that it wasn't interesting, but at the moment, I want to know about the main characters. The history can come later, once we've got a firm establishment of the characters' standings.

I think some of your descriptions were interesting, such as the one of the forest: a potentially haunted forest? Definitely perked my interest. And that's what you need more of here. Things that will lure your reader in and make them want more. You can do this by introducing some dynamic character, a new concept, an interesting plot...you've got a bunch of possibilities.

Now, there were only a few things I saw to nitpick on:

Sometimes by the time you realize you need to escape, it is too late to do so.


This seems out of context. Not only are you suddenly addressing the reader, but you are also writing in present tense, when up until now you've been writing in past tense. I understand that you may be trying to imply that the city is still in existence, but it just feels very incongruous with the rest of the prologue.

The wall constructed to separate the forest from the city itself was little more than a fence to stop the animals from attacking citizens; it was a stone wall standing six feet tall.


When I think of a fence, a rickety wooden structure comes to mind, not a 6-foot stone wall. Might want to change the wording here.

Advancing eighteen years, the couple had become involved with a secret organization which sought to overthrow the current governor, and end the evil slave trade in the city. Hannah also had a sister, Charity, who was now eight years old.


I'm confused here now. You're saying that Hannah's almost 18? Or, since she was about two and it's been 18 years, she's now about 20? Let's get a little more clarity here.

Okay, so that's all I have to say! I'm off to read chapter one. :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Hey Epidemic! I don't think I got the notification about your reply :/ My computer hates me.

RH is exactly right about wanting to know the characters. Although, I might be biased, 'cause I'm a more character-orientated person rather than narrative. What person is the rest of your story in? If it's first, perhaps you could have your MC or another character more likely to know this (mother, father?) explain this to the reader? Although I think the prologue has definitely improved. Especially the last paragraphs: they were very gripping. I love your last line:
Where once they looked at the walls as a fortress of protection, they now saw an enormous prison.
I know you had it there last time, but for some reason I noticed it (and the build-up) more. It's certainly a page turner, and the fact that the couple are involved in an organisation wanting to overthrow the governor makes me see trouble ahead.

That rule about people born in the city not leaving until they reach adulthood! How horrible whoever came up with that! (In your story.) If that were me I'd tell my partner not to come anywhere near me until we were clear of that place. ;P

To answer your question, your author's note may have coloured my review. Sorry 'bout that. Explaining the city's defences doesn't have to derail the story. You could include a knowledgeable character just for that instance. Or perhaps the mother could be explaining to Charity why they moved to the city. Your MC could overhear someone in the market place talking about an incident in the haunted forest (love this idea) and also briefly mentioning that via that route was the only way they could get their food during the siege. There are loads of possibilities.

Hope I helped (:

~Emma
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD



find your aesthetic and flaunt it
— manilla