Technicalities

What happened between us,
was an Error we cannot Undo.
Everything stored in the Recycle Bin,
hoping you wouldn’t break through.

The Right click was out of order,
Refresh you couldn’t look into,
History would be a good option,
you thought of the File Menu.

Then you Search the truth of the past,
with a theme font of Courier New.
There were no results shown,
anything about me and you.

So let's Control Delete our relationship
and create a New Document too,
but then it suddenly Shut Down,
because of your ten-year-old CPU.

Spoiler

man, I'm no good at poems. >8D

It confused me a bit to begin with, but I liked it. It was very creative. A couple of your rhymes might have been a litle forced, but you did a nice good job.

Hey Yuri! Evi here.

So, I thoroughly enjoyed this. xD I, for one, love rhyming poems when they're done well, especially cute unpretentious ones like this. The more intelligent/sophisticated poets will say that rhyming poetry is trite and juvenile, but when it's funny it can be marvelous.

What I think you need to do to make this stronger, however, is take a look at your rhythm. Your rhyme, while it does seem a tad forced, could easily flow better if your rhythm was smoother. The main reason it isn't smooth is because your syllable count is all over the place. For example:

What happened between us, 6
was an Error we cannot Undo. 9
Everything stored in the Recycle Bin, 10
hoping you wouldn’t break through. 7

That's the syllable count on the side. They don't need to all be the same, but if you try and read this out to a beat, you'll find that it doesn't quite fit. See if you can reword some things to be more rhythmic.

Also, some of your statements and images are a bit muddled. What does looking into Refresh mean? Searching the past with a theme font? Breaking through the recycle bin? I understand you had to fit the rhyme, but make sure everything you say has actual meaning. Also, watch your pronouns. You use "I" and "we" and "you" throughout, but I don't really get the sense of certain characters wanting/doing different things. Like, "was an Error we cannot Undo" might work better as "was an Error I cannot Undo", since your narrator's the one wanting to put this all behind her. Why is it the "you" that thinks of the File Menu? Note things like that-- don't lose track of who's doing (and feeling) what.

Anyway, really cute idea. I'd love to see it edited!

~Evi

I think think this poem was so funny. Like a poem about a nerd wanting to ending his cyber relationship and this the only way he know how to dump her or him. Keep up this funny poems it doesn't take much to make someone sad but takes alot to make one laugh!

The metering was a bit off, but that's okay! Still, I like the concept. It's very cute! And, having to deal with these ten-year-old dinosaurs... well... it's very true! I actually have a mac which is wonderful, even though it's 26 years old now. But that's because it's Apple. The PCs? Yeeeeah.

Hey Yuriiko,

Haha, well I loved this poem! It had such great humor in it which is what I found really appealing. The timing was just a little out of place in some areas, nothing too big.

But I liked how different this poem was, compared with some others. Your clever use of computer terms was definitely a winner, and you used that to your advantage in the poem. Even though I liked the humor in it, the poem did provide deeper and more meaningful emotion. Love and feeling were definitely mixed in well in this.

Great job! You're a better poet than you think you are. Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

I thought this was pretty creative, and I enjoyed it, being the computer geek that I am! Though I'm not sure that using so much computery metaphor stuff makes the relationship subject sound a bit trivial, I'm not sure. And some of the comparisons I'm not sure about, like looking in the file menu and how it relates back to a relationship. But your rhyming was pretty good and your overall structure, so well done.