Outside the Box

I wrote this last night on a sudden whim. I kind of just decided to stop, but I could ad more lines if I want, what do you think? Oh, and I didn't know if this was narrative or lyric poetry, so I just guessed on the foremost.

A knowing gleam within the eye,
Seeing without asking why,
Sometimes quiet, sometimes shy;
That is certainly not a lie.

People think us stiff and cold,
Could it be, even big and bold?

Though, if in our minds they dared to peek,
I am quiet sure they’d soon learn to be meek.
Realization does slam down hard;
Because you see, we are not at all weak.

At times, it seems, we’d stick to our clique,
But that is merely because others reek!

Stationary is a necessity;
As our food and drink are dear to us,
So is that paper near to us.

Though it is perhaps quite queer,
We’re drunk on ink instead of beer.

Some laugh, some sneer,
But are always sure to remain clear;
Clear of us, who are but simple peers.
Honestly, what have they to fear?

Spying a tear, attempts to cheer;
But that is meant only for characters dear.

Stuck in the brain, words scream daily for fame,
But some remain hidden, in thought of shame.
Yes, I agree, it is indeed quite lame.
Since it’s better for a pen to maim,
Rather than striving to stay the same.

Easily, words do come,
But in circumstances rare, hard are some.
And no, I am not stupid and dumb,
“I’m special” says my dear mum.

That is why I write this now,
Relishing in my pen and paper,
For when I build a character, shape and name her,
That is more fun than anything done later.

So, if like-minded you discover to be,
That in itself is a major key,
For when I was wee and sat on a parent’s knee,
Thought came suddenly that I had the key.


This is an extra line that didn't seem to fit, so I cut it out:

This poem is getting rather dull,
The boring rhyme almost a lull;
Is it, do you think, perhaps a cull?

Overall this was a good poem, but there are some spots that bug me, so I'll just point them out here and hopefully that will help!

A knowing gleam within the eye,
Seeing without asking why,
Sometimes quiet, sometimes shy;
That is certainly not a lie.

People think us stiff and cold,
Could it be, even big and bold? [this line doesn't feel natural; first of all the word "even" seems to give it a syllable too many. Also, the line just doesn't quite make sense to me.]

Though, if in our minds they dared to peek,
I am quiet sure they’d soon learn to be meek. ["Quite" not "quiet," just a typo; this also seems a little like you were trying to hard to rhyme. It's not as good as many of the other lines.]
Realization does slam down hard; [Given that all the rhymes of a stanza have heretofore rhymed, this one stands out a bit too much because it doesn't rhyme.]
Because you see, we are not at all weak.

At times, it seems, we’d stick to our clique,
But that is merely because others reek! [I don't know if you realized it, but these two lines don't rhyme; "clique" is pronounced like "click". Unless you're French, maybe.]

Stationary is a necessity; [This one doesn't rhyme either, but somehow, maybe because it's the beginning of a stanza and a good line on its own, it doesn't seem to matter as much here.]
As our food and drink are dear to us,
So is that paper near to us.

Though it is perhaps quite queer,
We’re drunk on ink instead of beer. [I love this line. Best line in the whole poem!]

Some laugh, some sneer,
But are always sure to remain clear; [comma would be better at the end of this line than a semi-colon.]
Clear of us, who are but simple peers.
Honestly, what have they to fear?

Spying a tear, attempts to cheer;
But that is meant only for characters dear.

Stuck in the brain, words scream daily for fame,
But some remain hidden, in thought of shame.
Yes, I agree, it is indeed quite lame. [Eh, seems like you were trying too hard to rhyme again.]
Since it’s better for a pen to maim,
Rather than striving to stay the same.

Easily, words do come,
But in circumstances rare, hard are some.
And no, I am not stupid and dumb, [This line and the next one bother me, especially since I know you're capable of amazing lines like "We're drunk on ink instead of beer". And again, it sounds like you were just trying to rhyme, and who cares what comes out of that. Don't sacrifice necessity or flow for rhyme. DON'T DO IT!!!]
“I’m special” says my dear mum.

That is why I write this now,
Relishing in my pen and paper,
For when I build a character, shape and name her,
That is more fun than anything done later. [This whole stanza seems to break the rhyming thing. It doesn't feel like it rhymes really at all, even though I realize "paper," "her," and "later" are supposed to be near rhymes here.]

So, if like-minded you discover to be,
That in itself is a major key,
For when I was wee and sat on a parent’s knee,
Thought came suddenly that I had the key. [This whole stanza kind of bugs me. I know it's kind of necessary, and it's a good way to end, but the way it's written...I don't know, it just doesn't flow as well as other parts do.]

My main beef with this poem is just all the lines that sound like you were just trying so hard to rhyme that you didn't care how good it sounded, as long as it rhymed, and - at the opposite end - the stanzas where you seemed to kind of abandon rhyme. The other thing is, the writing theme that starts about halfway through the poem is great - but it starts halfway through the poem. If you at least hint at it from the beginning, it'll make the whole poem more unified.

Positives: The idea of the poem is good, the title is good, and the line "We're drunk on ink instead of beer" is just brilliant!

So overall, good job. I hope this review helps, and I hope you keep writing!

~Blue

Hi! First of all I must say, I absolutely love this line: "We’re drunk on ink instead of beer". Awesome!
I can kind of tell that you didn't know when to stop with this. I like the idea and I think if you reworked this it could be really good. The main problem I see is with the rhyming. Sometimes every line in the stanza rhymes, sometimes all of the lines in the stanza rhyme apart from the third line, or the second line, or whatever. I think you need to choose a scheme and stick with it, especially because the AAAA scheme can be a bit boring! Perhaps try ABAB or something similar. The stanzas vary in length as well so sticking to four lines each, or four lines then two, then four, will help with the consistency of the poem. Good luck!

Hello!

I think that the overall theme and idea of this poem actually outshines the execution. You started with a good theme to write about, but I don't think you've lived up to your full potential here. In most cases, that may be because of the rhyme scheme, where you've tried too hard to make lines rhyme and therefore lost the real meaning behind the poem.

Generally, when you're rhyming in a poem, the biggest pitfall is when the rhyming gets in the way of the poem. You trip and stumble over words because you're trying to make them fit into this pattern that won't always work. Sometimes, a real talent shines through (such as in the ink/beer line) and I think that if you loosened the poem up a little you'd get a lot more of that creativity. Free form poetry is something that I find really difficult, so I understand if you prefer rhyming, but if you do stick with it then only follow through on a stanza if you're entirely sure that it's up to scratch, and isn't just there so that your lines rhyme!

I hope this helped, you did do a good job. Feel free to PM me with questions!

Actually I rarely write rhyming poetry. I find it harder and less enjoyable, but I wanted to become better at it, so I've started playing around with it a bit more. Thanks for the tips! I'll keep that in mind.