Fading Boundaries: Prologue

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Prologue


"Enter," a loud voice boomed.

At first no one responded. Then with a creaking moan two large double doors swung open. A tall, thin man stepped forward into the circular room. He was dressed in a simple white robe that fell down to the floor, pooling around his feet. His head was almost completely bald besides a little wisp of hair which clung to his wrinkled head. A long thin noise poked out between two beady black eyes that never stayed still. Hurrying forward he quickly bowed before the large wooden throne that sat on a raised dais in the center of the stone room. "Your majesty, I bring news, good news," the thin man hissed.

"Indeed?" the booming voice said. A large figure slowly stretched forward from atop the throne. It was a man, easily around eight feet tall. His large, barrel chest was bare besides a thin gold chain which was connected to a large fur cloak that hung over his shoulders. He wore a simple pair of linen pants, and in one massive hand he held a hammer while in the other a small golden ball. "Tell me Horus," the giant man called. His voice was like the sound of thunder, each word radiated throughout the room, shaking the very ground.

"The Kings have done it, they have dipped their hands into the wells of ancient magic," Horus said, his voice thin and quiet. "They have made a deal, and taken a stranger's child as their own."

The large man began to laugh. Softly at first, like a low deep chuckle. His voice grew steadily louder, until his whole body was shaking with mirth. "Yes!" he cried, tossing the hammer aside and surging to his feet as he raised the golden ball into the air. "At last, oh foolish Kings, you have made a deal with the devil himself!"

"What do you wish to be done my Lord?" Horus asked as his eyes continued to sweep the room in a nervous manner.

"Nothing as of now," the man said with a wicked grin. "The Kings have done more for us then I ever thought they would." The giant turned and slowly stepped down from the dais as he moved over towards the informant. He was easily two feet taller then Horus, and his frame was almost twice as wide. He dwarfed the smaller man, and he slowly leaned down till they were face to face. "Go back to the Kings," he whispered, "Summon your priests and prepare the sacrifices as the old ways command. If a stranger's child will someday sit on the throne, then mine will drink the very blood they spill."

Horus merely nodded, fear in his eyes as he turned and hurried from the room. He soon found himself running. It hadn't been a choice, it was a compulsive act caused from the fear that was squirming its way up his belly. So he ran, his feet carrying him away as a large booming laugh followed, echoing off the walls and chasing him down the corridor...
Last edited by Soup6647 on Fri Jan 28, 2011 5:57 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Over all, this was pretty good. You could brush up the flow a bit and fix a couple errors, but good job. I was slightly confused the first time I read it through, but once I looked at it again more carefully it made more sense.
. "They has made a deal, and taken a stranger's child as their own."

I think you wanted to say have.
was easily two feet taller then Horus, and his frame was almost twice as wide.

Try than instead of then.


I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing it. :)




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Hey thanks a lot I appreciate the feedback. Its always hard to find little mistakes in your own work.

Anything you think I should clear up? Its the Prologue so I was shooting for it to be a little confusing and then things would become clear later on through the book, but do you think I should clarify specific things?




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This is really good, very intriguing keep up the good work man this sounds pretty sweet.




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I quite liked it. Very intriguing. You know that something bad is going to happen and i love the suspense. Since its a prologue i think it would be sin to tell to much and i think you have achieved a very good balance. But the first paragraph or two was lacking that spark, it's hard to explain but there was nothing that really seemed to grab me. I'll be looking forward to the next installment.
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Hey Soup, I'm here for a review!

Okay, so I know this is just a prologue, and that they tend to be short, a bit confusing, and just a glimpse into the story. I would normally say that you've left this too vague, but since this is just a quick intro, I think it's excusable. How you proceed with the rest of the story will be more important. However, I think you also need to give a little more detail concerning this whole sacrifice/promise deal; it sounds ominous and interesting, but again, there's really not much that's making me think, "Hey, this sounds really cool! I want to know how someone's going to get out of this situation or deal with it!"

So, that's really all I have to say. Just give us a little more info, some kind of a hook that'll draw us in. Right now, I feel that it's too mysterious to really catch a reader's attention and make them want to read on, since they don't know just what's going on.

Otherwise, everything else looked great! Your writing style was very smooth, and you gave enough descriptions of the characters' appearances and the setting without making it feel like an infodump; you balanced it well.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta