Delete

Delete

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! How could Violet die?

Sorry just had to say that. I see why you hated writing it.

The entire middle bit I was sitting on the edge of my seat, but the part where Violet dies is a bit confusing. I had to read over it twice to get what actually happened. Can I just assume those people were Ira's? And I have a little tickelish feeling in the back of my head that the savior was Zayn, I have no idea if I'm right or not, actually i think I'm wrong but that's what my head is telling me.

I didn't notice any grammar mistakes.

And you deffinatly succeeded in getting the reader atatched to Violet and then breaking their hearts (just assuming thats what you were going for). I am officially itching to see what happens next; more please!

Thanks for reviewing

And I got attached to her myself (

Here it is!

Louis mounted the hill, pausing a moment to both view the land before him, and to allow Eden time to catch up.
He craned his neck to look back at her from over his shoulder, feeling a little guilty. She was still recovering, and he found it easy to forget that she was still too weak.
'We should have stayed a day longer,' he said when she came closer.
'I'm fine,' she said, grimacing as she took a step just past him.
She tripped over her own feet and he caught her up just before she hit the ice.
'You're exhausted,' he snorted, half carrying her to a car on the side of the road. He placed her on the hood of the vehicle and cupped her face in both hands, checking her eyes.
'You treat me like a baby,' she muttered.
He pressed his lips together and released her, unsure of what to say in response.
'I'm stronger than you give me credit for,' she said with a weary grin.
He swallowed and looked out at the frozen landscape.
New Mexico was hardly any different from the rest of the world that he had seen. Bleak, desolate. The roads if of black asphalt branched out like a spider's web in the stark white of the ice. Adjoining, separating, meeting again only to disconnect.
Houses dotted the landscape here and there, along with frozen trees and cacti. He could see wisps of smoke far off in the distance, and bits of light where campfires had been made.
It all basked under the fiery glow of the Midnight Sun. The ice, pale in the light, shone with a strange luster.
'It's beautiful,' Eden whispered.
Louis looked at her, a little confused.
'How can that be beautiful?' he asked, looking back out at the land, 'There's nothing out there...'
'Is that all you see?' she asked.
'It's all anyone can see, Eden,' he said, 'It's all there is.'
Her face became very serious, but her yellow eyes burned like smoldering embers.
He was silent.
'That's not what I think,' she whispered, 'And you shouldn't think that either...'
He looked at her again.
'There has got to be some good out there, Louis,' she sighed, 'If there isn't then what are we doing here? What's the sense of being alive if there's no hope to believe in?'
'Hope is something we use to distract us from reality,' he sighed, 'Hope is empty.'
'Do you really think that?' she asked.
'I've been proven it time and time again,' this sounds really awkward. Maybe something more like ‘It’s been proven to me time and time again’. Read it together with the previous sentence. he sighed, 'I can't really help but believe it's true.'
He helped her off the car and took a few steps ahead.
'I think you're just broken,' she said. to me this line was actually pretty funny
'We're all broken,' he huffed, 'We're all just cracked, useless vessels. You try to fill me with hope of some great good, but no matter how you try it'll only run out again and again.' wow, he’s got something depressing to say about just about anything, huh?
'I couldn't live if I thought that way,' she said.
'I'm barely here,' he sighed.
'What keeps you going? If it's not hope, then what is it?' she asked.
He looked Violet, snug and warm in her sling at his chest. He returned his gaze to the road, 'Love... If that's what you want to call it...'
She looked at Violet and turned away quickly when he caught her gaze.
'What is it?' Eden whispered.
He shook his head, 'I don't know...'
He bit his lip and took a few steps forward, 'Let's keep moving... I don't like being out here in the open.'
He led the way down the hill, talking in a low voice, 'We're in human territory now, Eden... We have to avoid them at all costs. If even one person sees us we'll have Eradicators and god knows who else on our backs. And believe me there's no escaping them.'
She shuddered and moved closer up to him, staying at his heels. It was oddly quiet.
'The wolves, if there are anymore out here... Don't howl,' he whispered, 'The risk of being caught on the wrong side of the line is too great.'
'All those fires then were... Eradicator patrols?' she asked.
'Mostly,' he sighed, 'Ira's territory and force has expanded.'
She reached for his hand, and he glanced down at it just for a moment.
'Where are we going?' she asked.
'Texas,' he replied.
'What for?' she pursued.
'I have a safe place there,' he replied, 'That's where I've been trying to get to for awhile now... I was taking my time until I found Violet.'
They continued walking awhile longer, until they came to two semi trucks side by side on the road.
He paused when a shadow moved across the road.
His every instinct screamed to turn back.
But just as he was about to do so, Eden released his hand and bolted after it.
'Eden!' he shouted, 'Eden, no!'
He dashed after her.
Violet, jogged awake by all the commotion, began to cry, but Louis was too pre-occupied to stop now.
He caught Eden by the shirt just before they reached the end of the corridor, but skidded along the ice with her in his grasp to the other side.
His foot snapped the trip wire that ran across the semi trucks. Just before the iron cage came crashing down on top of them, he shoved Eden away.
A spike of cold steel impaled his shoulder and another, his hip, and pinned him to the ground. The scream that he screamed then was blood curdling. This sentence sounds awkward, too. ‘the scream that he screamed’. how about something like ‘as a spike of cold steel came down and impaired his shoulder, and another, his hip, he let loose a cry of pain that caused Eden’s blood to curdle.’
Eden screamed, covering her mouth with both hands, backing against the cages bars and away from him.
'Fuck!' he shouted, slamming his head against the ice.
'Oh my god!' Eden sobbed, 'Oh my god!'
'Get Violet!' he said sharply, 'Get her away from me!'
'What?' Eden breathed.
'Just fucking do it!' he shouted.
She nodded and crawled over to him, reaching into the sling with trembling hands.
'Is she okay? Is she...she okay?' he asked, his hands trembling.
'She's alright,' Eden replied, 'She's okay. A-are you?'
He gasped for a breath and nodded, 'I'm... I'll be fine... Listen to me, Eden... They'll be here, they stay close to traps and they probably heard the noise... They won't be expecting you here, or Violet, most of the time with these traps a pack flees and leaves the other to his death... So when they come and raise the cage I want you to take Violet and I want you to run! Do you understand me?'
She shook her head, 'I'm not leaving you! I won't! I-'
'I'm not asking you to do it for me, dammit!' he snarled at her, 'They'll kill Violet! I need you to get her away from here! Go to Texas... There's a place there called San Angelo. When you first arrive ask anyone where your brother is. They'll take you to a safe place, and take care of Violet... Do you understand me?'
She only stared at him with tears dripping down her cheeks.
'Eden...' he said, shaking his head at her.
She choked on a sob, 'I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... This is all my fault.'
Louis struggled to stay awake. Everything was becoming distant and fuzzy, and colorless. He looked at Eden again.
She swallowed and leaned over him, 'I'm so sorry.'
He felt her lips brush against his, soft and trembling. Her breath tasted like warm sunshine, if it were ever to have a taste. nawww
For just a moment, every thing seemed to fade away. The pain, the worry, the fear. All of it was gone. With one little kiss.
She laid down awkwardly beside him, and Violet looked at him from her arms.
He met her gaze with tears in his eyes, 'Be a good girl, Vi.'
It was quiet.
And then he heard shouting just over the hill.
'Let's see what we've got, boys!' a man called.
'Oh god...' Eden groaned.
Flashlights shone on them as shadowed figures came running up to the cage.
'Hot damn! There's two in one!' howled the same man from before.
'Make that three,' said another as they came closer, shining his light on Violet.
The first man squatted down in front of the cage and peered in at Eden, who sat up and moved away from Louis.
'Well, I'll be,' chuckled the man, 'If it ain't little Vixen?'
Louis felt his blood chill at her second name on the man's lips. His gaze shot to her.
She refused to meet his eyes, and did not speak.
'Looks like Ira's Lures work,' remarked the man.
'I'll say,' agreed another man, 'She brought in a pretty good sized boy, too, imagine him in a full-phase.'
Louis could not make sense of their ramblings anymore. All he could do was stare at her.
'Let me see your eyes, Vix,' the leader demanded.
Vixen swallowed and looked up.
'Ah, well, fuck,' he huffed, 'They got her.'
'Ira ain't gonna be too happy,' another man grunted, 'Lures are hard to come by.'
'I guess this was to be expected after that pack came back around Tucson without her, though,' sighed the first man, 'Let's see who she's got with her.'
They used a hook to catch Louis' hand and drag it to the edge of the cage.
'Fuck me twice!' cried the man after a moment, 'It's fucking Louis!'
It was quiet, and uncomfortably so.
'I thought he was dead,' Muttered somebody in the back of the group.
'We all did,' grunted another.
'It doesn't matter now,' said the leader, shaking his head, 'Rules are rules. Hoist up the cage.'
A few men hesitated before they went to the cables on the side of the road and began to pull them. Slowly, the cage lifted and the spikes eased out of Louis' flesh.
'Son of a bitch!' Louis shouted, clenching his teeth together.
They dragged him out from underneath the cage and pulled Violet out of Vixen's arms.
'No!' Louis cried hoarsely, 'No! Please, god, no!'
He gave a struggle of desperation, but somebody kicked him in the mouth.
'What do we do with it?' the man holding Violet asked.
'What kind of fucking question is that, dip-shit, this is an awful lot of swearing. It distracts a bit from your storytelling.' snorted the leader, 'Kill it.'
'No!' Louis screamed, 'No!'
The man with Violet hesitated, looking at Louis with a broken expression.
The leader snatched Violet away from him and Louis started to lunge forward when she shrieked and screamed for him. As he began to phase into a wolf, however, a chain was thrown around his throat and pulled back until he could not breathe.
Still, he struggled forward, claws reaching, fangs gnashing.
He froze at the sound of a gunshot.
Eden screamed. And Violet's cries ceased.
Louis, dazed as though the bullet had gone through his own heart, sank to his knees. Suddenly he was numb all over, unable to blink, or breathe.
He barely noticed the dark figure crash into the group of men until it was upon the shoulders of the leader.
The figure jerked the man's head backward, exposing the throat, and jabbed a pair of blades into the jugular without the slightest hesitation.
When the leader dropped to the ground, the figure landed lithely on his feet.
He wasted no time in engaging with another man, ramming his blades into his gut as he threw him to the ground.
The figure backed away from his kill, hissing as the others crowded around him. you should be referring to the figure as ‘it’, not ‘him’ or ‘his’.
And then a wolf, lean and slender in build, with dark sable and black fur, leapt into the fight, fangs flashing white. Eden.
Louis heard her snarls and yowls as she tore into her captors.
She tackled one man to the ground, her jaws snapping closed around his throat. Blood sprayed the ice.
'Fuck, run!' shouted a man, and a few of them ran for their lives. Eden was hot on their heels, snarling and yowling.
The shadowed figure allowed his last kill to drop dead and then turned to face Louis.
It knelt before him, catching him before he could fall forward.
Louis felt his Beast return to hiding, and looked up at the face of the form holding him up. He was shocked to find he was blind folded.
'Come on,' said the savior, draping Louis' arm around his neck as he stood, 'Come on... I've got you. Easy now.'
'Vi...' was all Louis could say, looking around with bleary eyes.
'She's gone,' said the figure.



She's gone

Wow, I see why you hated writing this chapter. It's so difficult to write, and at the same time, it's extremely important.

I wish I had a little more time to get to know Violet, but apparently that’s not going to happen now! *cries*

The most exciting part for me was when he got trapped under the cage, and when Eden was discovered by the men. That really freaked me out, I was just thinking ‘oh my god what are they going to do to her?’. I expected a bit more taunting from the men, it feels like they would’ve had a lot more sick suggestive comments or something. The scene went pretty quickly from that, escalating to the point when they suddenly kill Violet. If was just a bit fast, in my opinion, the whole climax. You could tell from the moment Louis got trapped that they were all in huge trouble, and I think you could’ve ridden out that tension a lot more. I mean, if you really wanted us to hate those men, you could even make them try to rape Eden again or something. It seems like something they would do.

Going back to the beginning, I loved the character foil you created between Eden and Louis. I’m really starting to like her character. Sometimes, it feels like Louis is being extremely depressing, and I wish he would just allow himself a bit of happiness, but I suppose that’s a good thing because that means he has so much room to grow across the course of this story.

And the ending. That was Zayn, right? I imagined the blindfold detail is supposed to give it away to the readers, but maybe you should give us a little something else, because even I am doubting that it is really him.

I’m so curious to read on. Is Violet really dead?? How in the world will Louis handle what just happened? Where will Zayn be off to? What will Eden decide to do? There’s a whole lot to look forward to.

The best thing you could do for this chapter, if you would to edit it, is to just flesh it out more, and give us a bit more time with the characters. I can see this being a long chapter, (it is, after all, quite important) even if you just make it ‘boring’ with random conversations between Eden and Louis on their travels, or a moment of Louis bottle feeding Violet, or something like that, just as a last huzzah for Violet before she dies.

I hope this helped!! And I see you've already got the next chapter up *squeals*

First of all: SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY!
This chapter took me forever, but at least I managed, right?
I’m going to save my comments about Violet’s death ( :’( ) and put the nitpicks in first.

Louis mounted the hill, pausing a moment to both view the land before him, and to allow Eden time to catch up.

‘Mounted the hill’ does not sound right for two reasons. One, you jut started this chapter, and it’s too early to be calling anything ‘the’ just yet. You’ve introduced a random hill at the start of a chapter; use ‘a hill’.
Also, I cut three things that thought were blocking the flow. 1) ‘both’ 2) the comma after ‘him’ 3) ‘to’. Without those words, and with my corrections, the sentence reads: “Louis came to a halt atop hill, pausing a moment to view the land before him and allow Eden time to catch up.”
Although, with my correction, ‘came to a halt’ and ‘pausing a moment’ are repetitive phrases. I sure you can fix it.

He craned his neck to look back at her from over his shoulder, feeling a little guilty. She was still recovering, and he found it easy to forget that she was still too weak.

‘Still’ is repetitive here.

She tripped over her own feet and he caught her up just before she hit the ice.

‘Caught her up’ just doesn’t feel right; too clunky. I suggest cutting the ‘up’.

The roads [/i]if[/i] black asphalt branched out like a spider's web in the stark white of the ice.

Of

Louis looked at her, a little confused.

The phrase after the comma doesn’t read so well. Try reading it aloud and you’ll realize that the pause in your words (because of the comma) is awkward.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. You can ignore this if you want.
How would you fix it? Maybe “Louis looked confusedly at her.”
Except that the word ‘confusedly’ is so ugly. >.<

Her face became very serious, but her yellow eyes burned like smoldering embers.
He was silent.

She looked at Violet and turned away quickly when he caught her gaze.
'What is it?' Eden whispered.
He shook his head, 'I don't know...'
He bit his lip and took a few steps forward, 'Let's keep moving... I don't like being out here in the open.'

The emotions and thoughts of both Eden and Louis are confusing at this point. Eden gives Violet the googly eyes, and I assume Louis glares her down. However, right after that (the italicized line) she asks a question pointed Louis. Wut?
Normally, when asking ‘What is it?’ the query is questioning the actions or reactions of someone else. I would have expected this:
Louis suddenly came alert, his jaw squaring tight and the little hairs at the back of his neck standing up straight.
“What is it?” Eden whispered.
See?

If even one person sees [/i]us we'll[/i] have Eradicators and god knows who else on our backs.

The part I italicized seems a little weird to me. Like, it looks like it should have a comma, but even that seems to much. I would suggest something different: “We'll have Eradicators and god knows who else on our backs if even one person sees us.”

'The wolves, if there are anymore out here... Don't howl,' he whispered,'The risk of being caught on the wrong side of the line is too great.'

The ‘D’ needs to be capitalized. Also, you need a space between ‘whispered.’ and ‘The,’

She nodded and crawled over to him, reaching into the sling with trembling hands.

I thought he slung it in front of him. Therefore, he would be crushing Violet down into the ground.

'I'm... I'll be fine... Listen to me, Eden... They'll be here, they stay close to traps and they probably heard the noise... They won't be expecting you here, or Violet, most of the time with these traps a pack flees and leaves the other to his death... So when they come and raise the cage I want you to take Violet and I want you to run! Do you understand me?'

Okay, this is the part I don’t understand. Is Eden in the cage or not? If she was, why wasn’t she spiked too? If she wasn’t, why did she wait around for the Eradicators to catch her?

Her breath tastedlike warm sunshine, if it were ever to have a taste.

Space.

'Looks like Ira's Lures work,' remarked the man.

I don’t know why you capitalized ‘Lures’. I also don’t understand the concept of those lures. Did they send Eden out to get ripped to shreds?

They dragged him out from underneath the cage and pulled Violet out of Vixen's arms.

Vixen? Also, how did they do that so easily? I understood that Louis was super-strong.
It’s just, the whole emotional atmosphere is too resigned and sad. There should be a charged feel to the air, Louis getting ready to fight for his life, Eden running away with Violet, that sort of stuff.

'What kind of fucking question is that, dip-shit,' snorted the leader, 'Kill it.'

Question mark after the dip-shit.

Eden screamed. And Violet's cries ceased.

Remove the ‘and’, it’s much more dramatic.

He barely noticed the dark figure crash into the group of men until it was upon the shoulders of the leader.
The figure jerked the man's head backward, exposing the throat, and jabbed a pair of blades into the jugular without the slightest hesitation.
When the leader dropped to the ground, the figure landed lithely on his feet.
He wasted no time in engaging with another man, ramming his blades into his gut as he threw him to the ground.
The figure backed away from his kill, hissing as the others crowded around him.

The shadowed figure allowed his last kill to drop dead and then turned to face Louis.

‘Figure’ is waaay too repetitive in these sentences. I suggest you give Zayn another name here.

'Come on,' said the savior, drapingLouis' arm around his neck as he stood, 'Come on...

It’s spelled ‘saviour’, and you need a space between ‘draping,’ and ‘Louis’.

'She's gone,' said the figure.

Again, repetitive on the figure.

She's gone

This is perfect. It’s not spoken by anyone, so it seems as though Louis is thinking it. It’s not italicized like thoughts normally are, though, so it also seems like a word from the Narrator, you. Just the perfect way to end the chapter.



Alright, this chapter, as I said before, has a very sorrowful atmosphere; the characters give up even before they’ve really lost. It may be the rebel in me wanting them to fight back and win, but I still think you should have put a little more spark into Louis at the end.
Secondly, why did they kill Violet? There seems to be no reason for this senseless murder, unless Eradicators were like that.
One final note, how did Zayn leave Vanessa and Ian? He was with them in the last chapter, right? Why is he suddenly here?
Anyways, excellent as always!
Jenth

Thanks for the feedback, You guys! I'll start editing asap. But if I do rewrite a few chapters, Violet may not be written out after all... And the in chapter 5 Zayn is left behind by Ira and his group. I'm revising a lot now that's why I haven't posted much since 14.

I'll let you know if/when the revised stuff is up thanks so much for all your help!

Cold

'What's that smell?' Eden asked, looking up to to Louis when she caught a whiff of something that smelled like rot. ultra picky, but what kind of rot? Rotting flesh, rotting garbage, rotting plants, they all have a distinct smell.
He walked ahead of her, holding Violet's hand as he surveyed the highways with a watchful eye, his mouth a taut line. He did not seem to be listening to her, at least she did not think so until his nostrils flared as he dragged in the faint scent wafting on the breeze.
'The city,' he muttered in reply, his fingers curling tighter around Violet's hand. He glanced back at Eden and then set his eyes forward again as they walked underneath a crumbling overpass, 'We're coming up to Mesa.'
He sensed the apprehension that statement caused in her. Of all the places in the world, the cities were possibly the most dangerous.
'Why are we going there?' she asked.
'Because we need supplies,' he replied.
After a moment of silence he cleared his throat, 'We have to be careful here. It's going to be hard enough to make it through with the Eradicator marks I have... Don't talk to anybody, don't touch anything, and keep your eyes down. Stay close to me, and I mean that. Stay away from other Wolves, especially the males.'
She looked at him, 'Isn't that a contradiction in itself?'
He looked over his shoulder to meet her gaze, his eyes flashing, 'Other Wolves ain't so polite, if you catch my meaning...'
His eyes flicked to the bandages that wrapped her throat and arm before he turned back around.
She bit her lip and folded her arms across her chest.
'We're only staying as long as it takes to get what we need,' he sighed, 'Hopefully before night when the Leeches come out.'
Eden glanced down at Violet. Another contradiction. But then again, she knew other vampires were far less polite.
Abruptly, Louis paused, his hair standing on end. Violet squeezed his hand. Eden gulped and looked down the highway.
A young man and woman were running toward them. Tears were streaming down their faces as they struggled for every step, every breath. They were exhausted from running.
Just behind them were three large Wolves, sprinting on all fours, as well as three orcs. They were quickly closing the gap between themselves and the humans.
'Keep walking,' Louis breathed, taking a step forward, 'Eden.'
She only stood where she was, gaping as the Wolves tackled the couple, using claws to disembowel them and fangs to tear open their throats. The humans' screams became gargling moans as blood filled their lungs and throats. The orcs came waving hatchets and machetes in the air. They hacked at the flesh of the Humans with sadistic joy, laughing and howling as the blood showered their black-green skin. remind me to never eat breakfast while reading your story again O_O
Eden stared in horror, her mouth and eyes gaping wide. She did not fight Louis when he snatched her by her upper arm and dragged her away from the mess.
She realized there were tears in her eyes only when her vision blurred to near blindness.
'I'm sorry,' Louis muttered as he pulled her in front of him so that she could not look back to see anymore, 'I wish I could say it doesn't get any worse...'
'W-why? Why are they-' she could not say anymore for fear of bursting into an episode of sobs for people she did not even know.
'They're Human,' he said, 'They overstepped the boundaries... Arizona is Underworlder territory. It's the only territory besides New York the Eradicators and other gangs haven't tried to to take away from them yet... There's no value here.'
He picked Violet up and hefted the duffle bag on his shoulder, 'Let's get this over with.'

The roads became more crowded as they drew closer to the city. Underworlders, the creatures Eden had been raised to fear, were everywhere. She was a little shocked to find that even within their territory, they were still just as segregated as the rest of the world. The Orcs were huddled together, sharpening knives and gnawing on bones stripped of flesh around a barrel of fire.
Fauns and satyrs, the weakest of the Underworlders, were running in small gangs away from packs of Wolves at least five or six strong.
Centaurs were rare, and all along the stretch of road Eden spotted at most four, and those were mated couples.
Wolves were the most common race, next to the Vampires. Due to the clouds in the sky, the Leeches were outside, reeking just as much havoc as the Wolves, if not more as they attacked bystanders without warning, driven by their thirst for blood.
The city itself was ravaged. A combination of no maintenance, the amount of ice and snow it was never intended to endure for so long, and decay had every edifice crumbling. Some buildings had caved in on themselves and were inaccessible, while what few that did stand were housing the rabble of society. A few stands had been built along the road, selling wares and slaves.
The city was loud. It seemed to Eden that there was never a moment when someone nearby was not screaming or shouting in agony. With so many territorial packs of Wolves and covens of Leeches out and about there was always a fight taking place. The air reeked with the stench of blood and flesh and death. She soon found out why.
Bodies. The dead lined the sidewalks, a few had been left in the streets, some had even been strung up on hooks and chains on telephone poles and light posts like decorations for a sick festival.
She felt sick to her stomach. She nearly screamed when a hand touched her shoulder and drew her close. It was only Louis.
'Try not to take in the sights all at once, cupcake,' an Orc snarled at her as they approached. the orc saying ‘cupcake’ felt extremely odd. Would they even know what a cupcake was? In the world you created, there’s not really a thing such as sweets.
Louis shot him a warning look and pulled Eden closer to his side. The Orc dropped his eyes immediately, recognizing that gleam as a challenge. A challenge he could not possibly win.
A few curious Wolves watched her as she followed Louis up to a stand selling various things (items) . She pressed herself against Louis, uncomfortable under their hungry eyes.
The merchant was a sharp eyed Leech.
'I'll have a look at those hands,' the merchant said to Louis.
Louis held out his hands for him to see, palms down.
The merchant examined them closely and then snorted, 'You have any idea what kind of waters your swimmin' in, Graham?'
'I have a pretty damn good idea,' he replied, his eyes flicking over the Leech, 'Do you have any idea how fast I can tear out a noisy Leech's tongue?'
'Point taken...' the merchant grunted, 'What do you want?'
'I need a map of the States and six kits,' Louis replied.
'I only accept .32 rounds,' the Merchant said.
'How many?' Louis asked.
'Those kits are hard to come by, especially all the shit we have to go through to get all the stuff to make them,' the Leech remarked, setting a map and six small boxes on the table.
'Two full cases,' he replied.
Louis bit his lip. That was a high price, but most merchants would not even sell to him. He reached into the duffle bag and handed over the cases with one hand and accepting his purchase with the other, eyeing the Leech with equal levels of distrust and caution.
He checked each of the boxes containing syringes and vials of cortisone and antibiotics, bandages and other medicines to make certain everything was there.
'Pleasure doing business with you,' the merchant said coolly.
Louis gave him a nod and nudged Eden, 'Come on let's go.'
She swallowed and followed him into the crowd again, aware of the Wolves watching her still.
'Ignore them,' he said, 'Are you hungry?'
For the first time since she met him, she realized that she was.
He nodded and approached another vendor, this one an Orc butcher.
'Hands,' the Orc snarled without looking up from the thigh of a human
leg he was chopping into with a rusty knife.
Louis set Violet on the ground, murmuring something in her ear, and then held out his hands for the butcher to see.
'I don't serve Eradicators,' the Orc snorted after brief inspection 'Get the fuck out of my sight.'
Louis dropped his hands and nodded, 'You're sure I couldn't offer something to change your mind?'
The Orc glared at him, 'I said get the fuck out of my sight. You ain't welcome here.'
Louis huffed and picked Violet up again, 'Fine.'
He grabbed Eden by the shoulder again, 'Come on let's go look somewhere else.'
'Good luck,' snorted the butcher, 'I doubt you'll find anybody in these parts to feed you.'
Louis ignored him and led Eden away, blending into the crowd once more.
He lead her into a cramped alley and then behind a dumpster, where he set Violet on the ground again.
'You're going to let them treat you that way?' Eden asked, folding her arms across her chest, 'They don't have any right-' to me, this felt like a dumb comment to make. What else was he supposed to do? Any back talking would’ve caused a fight. This comment felt really out of place.
Violet gave Louis a large piece of raw meat with a wry grin.
'Good girl,' he said, kissing the top of her head.
He tore the meat in half and offered a piece to Eden. She stared at it in distaste.
'It's not human,' he assured her, 'It's bear.'
She accepted it, though still unsure. She watched as Louis sank his teeth into his half and tore off a large chunk of it, juices running down his chin and neck to his chest. The Beast inside of him was in control now, that was obvious.
She bit into her own piece, tentatively at first. She did not expect the sweet taste that filled her mouth. Something about it drove her senses wild. The taste, the texture, the blood. It was the most heavenly thing she had ever tasted. It awoke the hunger in the pit of her stomach.
She savored it, taking dainty nibbles, trying to make it last. Louis, meanwhile, swallowed each bite nearly whole. She realized this was probably the first time he had eaten in a long while.
'We need to hurry,' he sighed when she finished eating. He was checking the buckles on Violet's coat and tying the string of her cap under her chin, 'I don't want to spend the night in this place and it's hard enough to find a way out (in the dark) don’t repeat night at night.'
'What happens at night?' Violet asked.
'They put up a barrier and patrol it,' he replied, 'No one gets in or out until morning.'o
Eden paled, 'How long do we have?'
A siren sounded as though to answer the question.

'Get out of here, Eradicator.'
The fourth innkeeper they had approached that night gave them the same answer as the rest before slamming the door in their faces.
Louis huffed and ran a hand over his face as he turned back to Eden and Violet.
'What do we do?' Eden asked, looking around as she bit her lips.
The streets were alive with Underworlders. Screams erupted all over the town, mixing with snarls and roars and shouts in a violent cacophony that swirled all around them.
'Come on...' Louis huffed, 'We'll find somewhere...'
Violet was asleep in his arms. How she managed it in such chaos was beyond them. wouldn’t it be going against her nature to sleep at night? Traditionally, vampires would sleep in the day.
Louis approached an office building where a few Fauns were frantically trying to staunch the furiously bleeding wounds of a friend who appeared to have been attacked by a Wolf.
Louis, however, recognized what was ailing the not only the bleeding Faun but also the rest of them, and it was from no attack. It was a disease which many Underworlders. Bleed.
'You!' one of them shouted, snatching Eden by the wrist, 'You, help! Please! Help!'
Louis kicked the Faun away from her, his eyes flashing wildly, 'Don't touch her! Don't you dare touch her!'
Eden stared at the dying Faun, at the rivulets of blood pouring from his wounds.
'Come on, Eden,' Louis said, taking a step between her and the Fauns, 'Let's go.'
'He's dying,' she whispered.
'They're all dying,' he replied emotionlessly, 'Just go.'
'We can't leave then like this!' she cried, shocked by how cold he was being.
'They've got Bleed, Eden, there's nothing I can do if I wanted to help,' he said, 'Let's go.'
She began to object, but instead of urging her, he snatched her roughly by the upper arm and pulled her up the steps saying, 'I said let's go, dammit, Vaness-' He stopped himself short.
She looked at him, puzzled.
He gaped at her, and then pressed his lips together and knit his brows into a scowl. He led the way inside without another word. ooh this is getting interesting!
'Louis,' she said when the door closed behind them.
They were not alone. A few orcs sat at in a cluster of desks sharpening knives as they spoke in hushed tones of some strange language, but ignored them.
He led the way up a flight of stairs and turned sharply into a hall. Eden had to jog just to keep up with him.
'Louis I'm sorry,' she said as he marched down the hall, looking for an empty room.
He spun on his heel when they came to the end of the hall, taking the arm the Faun had touched with both hands in a firm hold. She caught her breath, suddenly afraid, although unsure why.
He examined her arm and then knelt to the floor, taking one of the kits from the duffle bag.
'Bleed is contagious...' he muttered, 'And it's not a something that can be cured.'
He opened a packet containing an alcohol soaked cloth and began to clean the bloody handprints from her forearm vigorously, 'It makes your blood thin but it at the same time in attempt to fight back your blood increases until it's too much for the body to handle and so it starts to bleed from the skin, the nose, the ears, the mouth...even your eyes...until you bleed to death.' yuck
He tossed the cloth out the window and then sat back in the corner. By the look on his face she could tell he was as thoroughly disturbed as she was.
'I'm sorry...' she whispered.
'It's not your fault...' he muttered, holding Violet closer.
Eden bit her lip and curled her legs up against her chest, hugging them tight.
'I'm not myself at night...' he whispered, 'Especially not around...others.'
She looked at him, but said nothing.
'I'm sorry I snapped...' he said, 'I just haven't been around so many for so long and never at night. It's against my rules.'
'You have rules?' she asked.
'You have to if you want to survive,' he replied, looking out the window.
Wolves began to howl. She saw the strain on his face, the physical toll it was taking on him to remain calm. The Beast in him wanted out, wanted to make itself known among the others.
'How come I don't feel that way?' she asked.
'Because you haven't made your first Change yet,' he replied, 'You're still partly human until that happens. Then there's no turning back.'
'When will it be?' she asked.
'Anytime now,' he replied, 'It all depends on your Beast.'
She nodded, 'Does it hurt?'
'Like hell,' he grunted, 'But after the first few times it's faster and almost painless...'
It was quiet, and another series of screams tore apart the atmosphere.
She blinked back tears, hugging her waist as she tried to hide her feelings from Louis, who did not even seem to hear them.
People were dying right outside, and he did not seem to even realize it. She snuck another look at him from the corner of her eye.
He was still looking out the window through a mask of expressionless, cold stone. His eyes, however, betrayed the something she realized that he was trying to hide.
They were pools of liquid gold, opaque with a tempest of anger, hatred, pain, regret, loss, and hopelessness this is a bit too many things, I‘d pick only a few or one that really stands out. She wondered quietly to herself what had put those emotions there and what had stolen away everything else.
She bit her lip, daring to break the silence between them when she asked, 'Who's Vanessa?'
His eyes shot to her, and then he turned to face her directly. A muscle in his jaw clenched.
'You called me Vanessa...' she whispered.
Louis looked at his feet, 'I don't like to talk about her...'
'Oh...' she said, taking the hint, 'I'm sorry...'
He shook his head and swallowed, 'You should go to sleep...'
'I won't be able to,' she said, 'Not with...'
She allowed the sounds of the chaos outside to finish the sentence.
He patted the floor beside him.
At first she hesitated, but then she crawled across the floor to his side and leaned against him.
She felt safe for the first time since they arrived in Mesa. For a moment, the screams outside seemed to fade away and were replaced by the strong, rhythmic beating of Louis’s heart. She did not think anything could make it falter.
'Vanessa was my wife...' he whispered.
She looked up at him, then back down.
'She helped...' he said bluntly.
It took a moment for that to take any meaning. When it did, Eden looked up at him in shock. She helped...do this to him...
His eyes were burning holes into the wall on the opposite side of the hall. His jaw clenched and then unclenched. His eyes were misty. omg! I am loving this new twist!
Since that first night, when he saved her from the Wolves intent on killing her, she had seen him as a mountain of strength and determination. He protected her and Violet from the Alpha without even a thought to his own safety. He would not have hesitated to kill her if she made one move to harm the little vampire girl, and without remorse later. Until that moment she did not believe that he could be fazed by anything. Not death, not pain. She did not believe he even had a heart.
He proved her wrong. He did have a heart, but it had been beaten to dust by betrayal and pain and heartache. Now it was hidden in a shroud of distrust and careful detachment to assure that it never happened again.

... Louis shut and locked his bedroom door, glancing up when he noticed Vanessa sitting on the bed by the window. She looked at him and then away again, tears misting her eyes. She curled her legs up to her chest and hugged her arms around them.
'Vanessa...?' he said gently, approaching her cautiously.
'What do you want, Louis?' she whispered.
'I'm back...' he asked, 'Ira told me...’
She did not respond. I don’t get these two lines ‘Ira told me…’ she did not respond. What was she supposed to respond to? He didn’t even finish his sentence.
He swallowed and sat on the far edge of the bed.
'If I could turn back time...' he began, but stopped, unable to finish as a swell of tears bombarded his own eyes, 'Vanessa, I'm sorry... I wish there was some way to bring her back but...’
He heard her choke on a sob. Moments later, he felt her hand on his shoulder. He gulped and turned to look at her, laying his fingers over hers.
She pressed her brow to his, her tears dripping onto his face and shirt as she crawled awkwardly into his lap, 'Louis...'
Her voice trembled when she said his name, her tone laced heavily with pain and loss. She choked back a sob and cupped his face with quivering fingers.
He buried his face in her hair and wrapped her in his arms.
'Vanessa...'
He said her name like a prayer as they laid down together, and again when he tasted the sweetness of her lips and the saltiness of tears. Her breath was laced with whiskey.
Her fingertips caressed his jaw and neck. She came away from his lips but stayed close.
'Louis...' she whispered, running her fingers through his hair, 'Will we ever be the same?'
He met her gaze, and traced the back of his hand down her face. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to tell her that everything would be alright again, that the pain would subside. But that would be a lie. Slowly, he shook his head, 'I don't think so...'
Her face twisted with pain, and he kissed her again hurriedly, trying to absorb her agony, clutching handfuls of hair in desperation as he fought to get closer to her.
She rolled onto the bed, her arms around his neck so that he could not escape her reach even if he wanted to. But he did not. He wanted her. He needed her. He needed that same assurance just as badly as she did.
She wriggled underneath him, unlacing his shirt while at the same time he tore at the fabric of her nightshirt. Their breath quickened, and the air was soon thickened with heartache and the desperation to mend it.
'Louis,' she breathed into his ear, holding him close.
He kissed her again, his hand on her face.
'I'm sorry, Louis...' she whispered.
'For what?' he breathed, hiding his face in the hollow of her neck and pressed his lips to the soft skin there.
She never replied.
Instead, he received the cold bite of steel and the hard stab of reality just before his entire body went completely numb.
He could not feel anything, not the warmth of blood as it streamed down his back, not the cold on the air, not even Vanessa as she fought her way out from underneath him. She left him on the bed, sobbing as she hurried to the door.
He barely heard it open and the scrape of boots as they crossed the floor.
'Ira, this isn't a good idea anymore,' Vanessa was saying, but she sounded so far away.
Louis panicked when a hand turned him over on his side.
'It's a little late to back out of it now, Vanessa...' Ira said, looking down at Louis.
'Oh my god...' she said, covering her mouth with both hands, 'Oh my god... What did I do?'
'I'll tell you what you did...' he said gently, 'You just laid down the cornerstone to our empire... It's just me and you now, babe...'
He pressed his lips tenderly to her temple and ran his hand over her hair, 'I'll be back. Gil's pack is waiting, and the drug'll wear off soon.'
Louis screamed when Ira ripped the knife from his back and groaned as he dropped to the floor. That pain was nothing compared to the bitter agony raging within him like a tempest tormenting the sea. Tears welled up in his eyes, an unstoppable flood, as he slowly began to realize what had happened.
'Shit... Looks like it already did...' Ira huffed.
He picked up his gun and slammed the butt of it into Louis's head. Everything went black...

Omg so much stuff went on in this chapter that I don’t even know where to start!

Let’s start with the ending, with Vanessa’s betrayal. I couldn’t believe that she actually did it. From the very beginning, you made her seem like a caring person that could not stand the sight of anyone being in pain. And now you have her STAB her husband? How much farther off can you get? It didn’t add up with how you introduced her, but I rather like this more deceiving side to her. She acts like she doesn’t really care or understand what she’s doing. ‘omg what have I done!’ well, looks like you just stabbed your lover and are killing him from the inside out. Without even fully realizing how much pain you could cause him if you wanted. It makes her seem like a wild card, and dangerous.

Also, I think it would be a very interesting situation if you made it so that Ira persuaded her to do this after stealing her heart. Like, if he purposely made her fall in love with him, not because he loved her, but because he needed this favor done by her. That way, Vanessa would’ve ‘killed’ her husband for this man who’s pretending to love her. It’s like a taste of her own medicine, only she doesn’t realize it yet. Is that making any sense?

Next, I’m curious as to what the problem with their relationship was in the first place. Louis kept apologizing and everything and they both said it would never be the same between them. It could’ve been anything. For some odd reason I think it was because maybe Vanessa had a miscarriage or something, but I don’t really see how that would be Louis’s fault or how that would threaten their relationship. I also have no idea why that popped into my head. But I have a hard time believing that it was one thing that made Vanessa decide to give him the ultimate betrayal. I mean, something must have really pissed her off to make her say ‘alright, I’m gonna dump Louis for his brother and then stab him in the back so he can get eaten by wolves and then live in hell for the rest of his life’. I mean, she was in love, right? I just can’t imagine anyone turning into a monster like this all of a sudden.

I have to say I really enjoyed reading about the love triangle thingy between those three. Very interesting!

And now back to the beginning with the city. Omg I should not have been eating while reading that section x) You did an excellent job describing the whole area, I saw how you used several paragraphs of description and it was great. Grody, but great. I don’t see any problems with it. I wonder a bit about how there are shops, like if demons could just kill their own meat or scavenge for dead meat, why would they pay for it? Would that kind of thing really exist in this ‘society’? If there were good butcher shops open, with fine cuts of meat hanging around, wouldn’t the more powerful clans simply steal and then kill the owner? It seems more logical that way.

And the Bleed disease. How gruesome. It seems almost like overkill to have it contagious AND incurable, but whatevs. You mentioned that in Louis’s kit he had antibiotics, so wouldn’t those help, at least a little? It seems like there might be leftover medicines from Before that would be strong enough to ward off infection. Penicillin? That’s strong stuff. Whatever I used for my pneumonia was strong stuff too. I mean, in our day and age there’s hardly anything that is incurable, if not treatable. I hope in later chapters you will explain a little more about what causes this disease and stuff.

Uhhm, where did Violet get the bear meat? x) I assume she just stole it or something but you never show us. You just say Louis sets her down and like two sentences later she’s holding a slab of bear meat.

Ok, that’s all I had to say. Whew! That was a lot.