Me and You

Talking to him..it felt so right.
Topic after topic into the night.
Going on drives, watching a flick,
I could tell you and I totally click.
At Christmas you gave me a really sweet gift
And said that I your heart could lift.
New Years came, I said- Let's dance.
You said- Baby, not a chance.
So I went to the party all alone,
But just couldn't give in to my hillbilly-bone.
The next day I said- Hey let's go get a bite.
You said- Naw, I'd rather stay home tonight.
Day after day we slid apart.
I guess I was no longer in your heart.
There's one thing I learned from being with you-
Make sure your boo likes the things that you do.

This one made me chuckle My comments are in red

Snickers5 wrote:Talking to him..it felt so right.
Topic after topic into the night.
Going on drives, watching a flick,
I could tell you and I totally click. Not sure what you're trying to say here, but it rhymes!
At Christmas you gave me a really sweet gift
And said that I your heart could lift. Sounds painful More like rip it out
New Years came, I said- Let's dance! Exclamation point to show your enthusiasm
You said- Baby, not a chance.
So I went to the party all alone,
But just couldn't give in to my hillbilly-bone. Love this line! It really paints a funny image in my mind!
The next day I said- Hey let's go get a bite?! I'd put a ?! here to show you're anxious to keep it together, and it means something to you.
You said- Naw, I'd rather stay home tonight.
Day after day we slid apart.
I guess I was no longer in your heart. I picture you literally busting out of his chest, covered in blood
There's one thing I learned from being with you-
Make sure your boo likes the things that you do.

This is an excellent piece of poetry! Hope to here more!

Hello.

I think it's a cute poem but I think you can really improve on this. Because, right now, it's just that. A cute poem with a shaky rhyme.

Let me comment about the rhyme first. I do like rhyming poems. I know a lot of people don't but I usually write in rhyme myself so I like reading rhymes in order to improve my own. The thing is, rhymes really restrict a person. I could almost feel you physically struggling to find a rhyme. The words just didn't feel right at times. Your rhyme was really shaky. You had different numbered syllables in nearly every line so even though your poem rhymed, it flowed really badly.

Next, you should also punctuate this better. Your first line has two random periods right in the middle of it. You need to make an impression in your very first line in order to draw the reader in, and the two periods in the middle just ruin the momentum so quickly. It's not just that though, you've got way too many periods in this poem. Because it is rhyming, I think you'd like this poem's lines to flow into one another and it doesn't do that if you have complete stops because of the periods.

The other thing that I'll also comment on is how you 'told' everything in this poem. It lacks a lot of vivid description. When my own poetry is being reviewed, people always stress the importance of 'showing' and not 'telling'. You have to paint us a picture with your poetry and you simply told a story here in rhyme.

Besides that, I think you did well in maintaining a story despite this being a poem. I do hope I helped you. I lack sleep right now so forgive me if I didn't make much sense but I do hope to read more from you.

--Nixie

Thanks Nixie and Butterfinger! Your tips made a lot of sense to me and i'll use those to make changes for the better.

It's really cute, but I agree it needs some more work. It has a nice idea, and it does ryhme, but that isn't everthing. Work on it a little bit more, follow everyone's advice, and it'll be awesome.

This poem is really cute! It feels quite light-hearted because of the rhyming - the words you use to rhyme are a bit simple and obvious, but if it was light-hearted you were going for, it totally worked. I loved the ending as well, and I think the whole piece flowed perfectly. One thing though, near the beginning of the poem you say "him" but the rest of the time you talk to him, calling him "you", so you need to change the "him" to "you". Also, with this line: "And said that I your heart could lift," it doesn't sound right at all but I'm not sure what you mean so I don't really know what to suggest to fix it. It sounds like you moved the words around to make it rhyme, but sort of made it not make much sense anymore in the process! Apart from that, it's very cute, and I like that it has a lesson at the end!

I like the shift from happiness to sadness, I quite honestly didn't expect that! At first glance, I expected this poem to be about more happiness than sad. It's indeed unfortunate when this kind of situations happen; I've experienced similar situations myself!

The rhyming was good as well, nice and simple! Keep writing!