Vampyres Horror Chapter 2

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1061
Reviews 10
The drop of blood made my body quiver with excitement, my sensitive nose sensing the warm wetness of the red fluid. I fought the natural instinct to plunge my fangs into the soft tender flesh, to feel the warm flow of blood fill my mouth.

“Ah, shit!” the female receptionist exclaimed, dabbing a white cloth at the shallow paper cut on her finger, “excuse me.” She looked at me apologetically.

I nodded, staring at the red blotch growing on the white material, blooming like a blood red rose.

“Right,” the woman spoke, breaking the trance, “back to business. You said you wish to see all the records of Vampire sightings in North City?” She looked at me curiously.

“Yes, but don’t expect me to just take,” I pulled out my Bounty Hunter card. It was now a regulation that all Bounty Hunters carried a card to be used as their form of ID and money. “I’ll be willing to make a payment.”

The woman looked at me again, and then reached for the card. I offered it to her so that she could take the card without touching my cold fingers. She studied the card in her hand.

“So, you are a Bounty Hunter, Mr....”

“Winter. Just call me, Winter.” I said quickly.

Blood was still lingering on the back of my mind. I watched the woman scan the card to check if it was authentic. She then went to the back store room. I could smell another’s presence in the room. I waited patiently for her to return, forcing my mind to forget the sight and smell of blood. I was stood in the N-City Hall main reception. It has been such a long time since I stood in these halls; nothing had really changed in the past ten years. The only thing that had changed was the increase of names on the glass monument. I was reading all the new names when the woman returned.

“My father, Strongman Blade, died fighting a pack of werewolves,” she said, looking at the engraved name of her father, “he saved us.” A tear sprung to one of her reddish brown eyes. Wiping it away quickly, with a thin smile, she gave a thinner folder to me.

“I am sorry.” I said as I accepted the file “Is this all there is?” I looked at the woman, staring straight into those red eyes.

“Yes, what you have there are the only records that we have at the moment.”

“At the moment? You mean you have more?”

“Yes, but another Bounty Hunter has claimed most of the vampire records.”

“Oh really,” I sigh, as I start flicking through the papers, “these are all records from thirty years ago, and so are irrelevant to me.” I handed the file back to the startled woman.

“How’d you - ?” she stammered.

“I read these some ten years ago,” I interrupted her, “now, who took the recent records? Someone must have taken them, as you usually have copies.”

The woman gasped in shock, “and how would know.” She regained her composure, “Only those who live here know that. You couldn’t possibly know, unless-” She looked at me, her blood red eyes searching.

“Yes, I have lived here before, ten years ago. My father and I left North City to pursue vampires in South City. My father told me all the information is stored in the computer system, and is printed as it is required.” I smiled innocently at her.

The woman was still suspicious of me, so I gave up and left. She watched me leave, and then I heard her mutter “Kross” under her breath. I had my answer.


Scarlett shook her head. How on earth did he know about the filing system? She didn't believe that he was originally from North City. But that skin colour, and that hair! Scarlett had to admit that the man was beautiful. His skin was pale, but not unhealthy pale, more porcelain. His face looked as if it were carved by angels; perfect with no blemish. The most striking appearance of him would have to be his long silken, silver hair, which was tied in a long half a meter pony-tail with a strip of black leather. His eyes matched the colour of his, but were more like mercury.

"Yo! What's up Scar?" Teddy called from the back. He'd probably seen the encounter on the surveillance screen, but because there was no sound, he had no idea what they had been discussing, "What'd that guy want?"

Scarlett looked up at the camera by the door, and pulled a face, causing a burst of laughter to come from the back room. She then headed towards her desk. Teddy, holding his stomach and bent over in mock pain, came through.

"Great first job we get after becoming official Slayers," Teddy moaned, still pretending to be in pain from too much laughter. Scarlett tossed a pen at him. The pain seemed to have vanished, as Teddy easily avoided the missile launched pen, catching it with one hand.

"We've only just got qualified this morning, Ted!" She lectured Teddy, "Don't be expecting the best jobs first time round."

"I know, I know!" Teddy shouted over her voice, raising his hands in surrender, "Anyway, who was that guy? That’s the second time today someone has asked for Vampire Records. The first one being the MONSTER Hackers, who more or less wiped the system, when that big guy asked for the Records. And now him!" Teddy looked at Scarlett, "So...?"

Scarlett scowled, "He was a Mr Winter, claiming to have lived here ten years ago." She stared at the file she had now placed on her desk, and then sat down.

"Did you fall for him?"

"WHAT!" Scarlett jumped up from the chair, "What put that in your head?" She snatched the pen from Teddy who was playing with it like a pointing stick.

"You aren't denying it," Teddy smirked, "Well, even I've got to admit that the guy was attractive. Just 'Perfect', you know."

Scarlett looked at him, gobsmacked, "I didn't know you felt that way."

Teddy laughed, "Don't misunderstand me, what I mean is; didn't he look unnaturally beautiful?"

Scarlett blinked, "Eh?"

"Come on Scar!" Teddy was speaking seriously now, "Do you really think that a Bounty Hunter could survive without getting a scratch...?"

"Were you eavesdropping Teddy?" Scarlett said, interrupting his well voiced musings. Teddy simply ignored her, "Think about it! A Bounty Hunter looking like that is a joke - He'd attract way too much attention."

"Well maybe he has his reasons." Scarlett shot back at him.

"What reasons? He sneaks up to one of those bastards and slits their throats in their sleep? Not likely." Teddy pulled a face and continued, "Especially given that we have trouble slaying werewolves in surprise attacks, and that's in groups. Those who go in for the kill usually end up getting scratched if not bitten."

Scarlett remained silent, taking in what Teddy had said.

"So how does he do it - if he is a Bounty Hunter that is?" Scarlett pondered the question for a moment, before shaking her head and replying.

"I don't know. I was also slightly suspicious; and how does he know the records from thirty years ago? He looked about 23, not even, more 21." This time it was Teddy stumped for words. "I think we need to do some research on this Mr Winter,"

Scarlett concluded after a moment of silence. "I'll get up the documents of everyone who lived here in the North City."
Teddy nodded in acceptance of the idea, and leapt over her desk to come up behind her. Scarlett opened the computer files and sifted quickly, but thoroughly, through the folders.

"Select the folders from 2052 through to 2062". Teddy advised, watching the screen flicker as the page changed. It suddenly filled with pictures of faces, underneath which were names. Scarlett scrolled down through the images, scanning each name and face.

"I can't find him at all." She said with a disappointed moan upon reaching the last name.

"Can you run name or description searches?" Teddy asked hopefully.

Both were now desperate to find the mysterious man, for he posed not only as a liar, but an object of curiosity.

"It should." Scarlett sighed, clicking on a tab on the screen. When a pop up box appeared, she typed 'Winter' in the name section, and 'Bounty Hunter' in the occupation box, and lastly filled in the description of him. "There! We should be able to find him now!" She said with clear excitement in her voice.

Teddy nodded simply, "Let us hope so, or that guy played you for a fool." Scarlett blushed at the remark, causing Teddy to grin softly. The screen flashed once again, revealing a single name, no photo, 'Winter'. Teddy and Scarlett could only exchange glances, while she proceeded to click on the file. A pop up alerted them that a code was needed to access the information.

"What the- ?" Scarlett exclaimed.

Teddy disappeared from behind her, wandering into the back, his voice carried through though, "I've got a code somewhere that might work."

"What do you mean?" Scarlett called back as she tried the usual code, "It's a regulation code that's needed, we're only looking at a resident's documents." Apparently not, she thought to herself as an error message popped up signalling an incorrect code.

"Doubt it," Teddy replied, "It looks like an encrypted file tome. I mean come on, no name or...ah! Found it"

Teddy walked back through to the reception area, waving a slip of paper in his fingers.

"Well, let me see it then!" Scarlett snapped, annoyed at herself for not thinking that a file like this could be encrypted.

Teddy handed the paper over with a mental sigh, and she entered the code, which the system gladly accepted.

"How did you get that - let alone know what it is?"

Teddy shrugged, "Pops told me that he had a secret stash of codes in the back room from when he worked here as a graduate."

Scarlett just laughed, and Teddy couldn't help but join her.

As they shared their giggles, the front reception door opened; revealing a man that had been in earlier in the morning. As he strode towards the desk, the giggles ceased, and silence took its place until Scarlett spoke up.

"How may we help you Mr Kross?" Came her professional voice, causing Teddy to grin and as a result causing her to stomp on his foot.

The bulky man stared at them both before answering. In his hand he had a piece of paper, and showing it to the two behind the desk, "I forgot to ask," His deep voice rung out, "who is this man?"

Scarlett took the piece of paper, while Teddy looked over her shoulder. "Oi Scar, isn't that the guy who came in earlier?"

"So who is he?" The deep tone rang out once again.

"To be honest we have no-"Scarlett stomped on Teddy's foot again, cutting him off.

"Why do you ask?" She replied with a glare at the man behind her.

The other man sighed, "Saw him come out of here. Looked kind of unnatural, so I tracked him. I lost him in an ally, so I've come to find out who he is. Does he live here?"

The two exchanged a glance once again; Teddy's look practically screaming 'I told you so'.

"Well?"

"To be honest, we were just finding out now," Teddy said with a foolish grin, while pointing at the screen, "I thought that the guy was strange, so Scar and I started looking for his records." Scarlett sighed as she turned the monitor slightly so that the large man could see the screen. The man started intently at the name, "Winter?"

"That's his name." Scarlett replied as the page finally opened, allowing the three to read the contents in silence.

Yay! I got enough review points to post a chapter!! Please note that this is part of a novel and you won't get the story at all unless you read the first two parts...Sorry.
I've took advice, and have broken up the chapter the best I could, but, knowing me and computers, I might have broken it up a bit too much. Oh well. I've handed it over to you guys, so devour, shred and comment on this work.
Thankyou
Fantasy.
My Pages:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/page.php?id=805
Feel free to read and enjoy!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12208
Reviews 463
Hey,
I needed something to review and saw this. I must admit, I was a bit confused, but the second part of chapter one cleared things up... sort of. I'll probably have to read the first part to really get a handle on all of this.
It's great. I liked it. I like the characters, and all the mystery surrounding Mr White. I'll continue with the review.

Fantasydotcom wrote:“Ah, shit!” the female receptionist exclaimed, dabbing a white cloth at the shallow paper cut on her finger, “excuse me.”
Quotations are a personal choice on how you write them, but I find it confusing when you don't capitalize the second quotation when the quotation before had a period or an exclamations mark or whatever.

I nodded, staring at the red blotch growing on the white material, blooming like a blood red rose.
I liked the imagery here.[\b]

“Oh really,” I sigh, as I start flicking through the papers, “these are all records from thirty years ago, and so are irrelevant to me.”
[b]I don't like how the and so sounds. I would have one or the other.


The woman gasped in shock, “and how would know.”
The and needs to be capitalized, and I think you need a you in the sentence.

She regained her composure, “Only those who live here know that. You couldn’t possibly know, unless-” She looked at me, her blood red eyes searching.
“Yes, I have lived here before, ten years ago. My father and I left North City to pursue vampires in South City. My father told me all the information is stored in the computer system, and is printed as it is required.” I smiled innocently at her.
Personally, I think her quote gives us more suspense than needed here. It makes me think Winter is going to be extrodinarily different, when really he just lived in the North City, which sounds kind of big.

His face looked as if it were carved by angels; perfect with no blemish.
Were is a plural verb. Face is a singular noun, so you need was instead.

The most striking appearance of him would have to be his long silken
This sounds wrong. Maybe, "The most striking part of his appearance" or something like that.

His eyes matched the colour of his, but were more like mercury.
Put hair after his, unless it's something else.

Scarlett looked up at the camera by the door, and pulled a face, causing a burst of laughter to come from the back room. She then headed towards her desk. Teddy, holding his stomach and bent over in mock pain, came through.

"Great first job we get after becoming official Slayers,"
Comma after great.
"Did you fall for him?"
It was one encounter. Is that question really called for? I understand that you're trying to bring his looks into question by Teddy, but I think this is the wrong way of doing it.

"WHAT!" Scarlett jumped up from the chair, "What put that in your head?"
I also think this reaction is way over the top. It makes it seems like she did just over his appearance. I'm screwing with your plot, I guess. Sorry.

She snatched the pen from Teddy who was playing with it like a pointing stick.
What's a pointing stick?

Teddy laughed, "Don't misunderstand me, what I mean is; didn't he look unnaturally beautiful?"
I don't think this is the right place for a semicolon. A colon, maybe? I'm not really sure.

"So how does he do it - if he is a Bounty Hunter that is?" Scarlett pondered the question for a moment, before shaking her head and replying.
"I don't know. I was also slightly suspicious; and how does he know the records from thirty years ago? He looked about 23, not even, more 21." This time it was Teddy stumped for words. "I think we need to do some research on this Mr Winter,"
I think you need a comma after replying, and you need to connect the dialouge to that sentence.

Scarlett concluded after a moment of silence. "I'll get up the documents of everyone who lived here in the North City."
You need a comma, not a period, after silence.

"Select the folders from 2052 through to 2062". Teddy advised, watching the screen flicker as the page changed. It suddenly filled with pictures of faces, underneath which were names. Scarlett scrolled down through the images, scanning each name and face.
Maybe I'm overestimating the size of North City but that seems like it would take a long time.

"I can't find him at all." She said with a disappointed moan upon reaching the last name.
You need a comma after all. Since this seems like a common typo for you, I'm not going to point it out anymore.

Teddy shrugged, "Pops told me that he had a secret stash of codes in the back room from when he worked here as a graduate."
That sounds like a long time to be hidden without anyone finding them. I'm not going to ask you to change it, since it would be a plot changer.

Scarlett just laughed, and Teddy couldn't help but join her.

As they shared their giggles, the front reception door opened; revealing a man that had been in earlier in the morning.
I think you need a comma instead of a semicolon since the clause after the semicolon isn't a complete sentence.
"Why do you ask?" She replied with a glare at the man behind her.
[/b]Is the man behind her Teddy?[/b]

The two exchanged a glance once again; Teddy's look practically screaming 'I told you so'.
Told her what?


I thought where you cut it was fine, though I didn't read the first version, so I may not know. I'm kind of confused about Teddy and Scarlett's relationship. I'm not sure if they're siblings or friends or what. I read the last part, and it confused me even more. Great plot...
Megsug
Test



May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year