Delusion and confusion

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A lady glanced out towards the ocean, and watched as the crabs scurried to their homes under rocks. They would always be sheltered from the threat of becoming homeless. She brushed a golden lock from her face, pausing as she saw a man coming towards her.

The man sat beside her and smiled, one that seemed to light up the darkest days with its cheeriness.
“How are you?” The man asked, his dark hair shimmering in the fading light.
“I am fine, I hope you are too?” She smiled then blushed as she felt his gaze linger on her face before returning to stare at the sky as it slowly turned blood-red.

“I am Josh” He said, with another warm smile.
“And I, Lily” She felt his arm brush against hers; she held her breath “Surely this could not be real” She thought to herself.
“You are most beautiful” Josh ran his fingers through her hair. The vision flickered to reveal a dark alleyway, but as soon as the image appeared it vanished.
“Why thank you and you are most handsome” Lily smiled cheekily before her smile froze as she heard footsteps in the distance. “Did you hear that?” She whispered to Josh.
“What?” Josh’s face was genuinely puzzled.
“Haha, see? I got you!” Lily faked a smile, but secretly her heart raced at she heard the noise get louder.

“Nature is most wondrous, is it not?” Josh sighed staring at a sky that wavered to a misty grey; no stars visible beneath the smog, broken glass bottles littered the ground and swearing was clearing heard above the sound of footsteps.
“It most certainly is” Lily wondering whether she had gave herself away as her voice trembled, but Josh was as content as ever. “Am I going insane?” She thought, blinking several times before the street vanished.

“Josh?” Lily was now aware of herself lying uncomfortably on something that jabbed into her back with a stinging sensation. She was freezing only a summer dress to keep out the cold, she look down and then realized that in-fact her dress was torn showing her bruised skin beneath.
“Yes?” Josh was now beside her but seemed to be oblivious that she was in pain and not with him on the bridge by the beach in the setting sun.

“Josh! Josh, where are you?” Lily could not hear him but only see his face slowly disappear into the night, mute words forming from his mouth.
Piercing light blinded her as a car drove along the road, splashing icy water over her.
“Mummy, that lady is silly. She is out here in the snow with no coat on” A little girl skipped holding he mothers hand, pointing at Lily’s demeanour as she lay mumbling mentally to herself.
“Stella, pointing is rude.” The girl’s mother looked sternly at Stella. “I’m so sorry.” She whispered to Lily as she placed a penny in a coffee mug near Lily.

Lily started sobbing, choking as her tears ran down her throat with her ramblings. A discarded syringe lay menacingly in the city street, marking the failure of Lily’s past, present and future.

She lay, singing quietly to herself, trying not to scream out as the footsteps got louder and louder. A man then came into view with dark black hair and sad blue eyes.
“Lily?” He began.
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” The man slowly backed away, “YOU GAVE ME THESE! You- you gave me these. I hate you, I HATE YOU JOSH.”Lily’s eyes were red and puffy, her voice screeched and echoed along the street.
“I’-I’m sorry, Lily” Josh placed a 20 dollar note in the mug. Leaving his delusional wife behind him as he backed away, hurt and confused but hardly surprised.

Hi there.

I did like this, but I also got a bit lost in the middle there. Was it a flashback? Or was she just remembering past events?

I just don't think it's that clear. Also, where was she? On a bridge near a beach, or in a street? I got muddled.

It seemed to me that she loved this Josh. But why does she hate him now? Because he made her go to drugs? Is that it?

Also, what was pricking her in the back?

I don't think it's clear enough for the reader to fully understand everything that happens.

But it's certainly got potential, and has a very interesting plot.

Also, in no parts was it boring to read.

Keep writing!

~ T.K

cannoncomplex here to comment,

okay the story is a little muddled but I can see that it was exploring the concept of reality/illusion in the way that the character in the first scene tries to realize that the event is fiction and when she does go back to the "real"world, she is surprised that it is fake. At the end, it is realized that the character either has a severe mental illness or just plain crazy but the former seems more adequate.

I agree with the other person that the whole story is muddle. I don't think that the plot is troubled since you got a plot there along with the characters though there were some oddspots here and there such as Josh and the importance of the child and mother.

What you need to work out is the structure of the story, its confusing and i can't find the plot straightforward. Try to emphasize which scene plays more vital role, give it more taste to it so that the reader can know that this is what is going on. For example is when the girl woke up from the dream and realize she is still in one. That part can really give suspense. the scene before will give the backdrop (to be shockingly destroyed) while the scene after will emphasize a shocking reality on what is going on.

Hope that helps

Hi there, Lavvi in to review.

I became really confused while reading this, as mentioned by others. Perhaps you may want to insert a break (stars (*) or dashes (-) or anything really besides letters, words and numbers)?

Another thing is that you have some errors with your dialogue. I'm not going to go through the whole thing, but you may want to refer to some of the YWS articles in the Knowledge Base. This is a very good article about punctuation within dialogue.

There's another thing I'd like to address concerning your dialogue. Your character's speak very formally, not at all how I'd think other people would talk to each other unless conversing with somebody of high status. If your story is set in the past (I'm thinking 1750s-1890s), it'd be okay. But I don't get that impression. Here's another great article about how people can talk in dialogue and making them seem more realistic and really human with good and bad traits.

I also suggest that you run over your story and fix some things so it's not as confusing for us readers.

It was a good start, and with a little work it could be a really nice story!

Lavvi