Nightfall Ch. 1 Pt. 2

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We weaved through the thick-trunked oaks like snakes slinking through tall grass, neither us talking. We emerged from the shadowy depths of the forest a few minutes later, stepping into another, larger clearing. Two buildings, a house and a warehouse, stood before us, dark and intimidating. The house was an older, dark brown tri-level, and the warehouse was well…a giant, solid, steel box.

The glass sliding door at the back of the house was slightly ajar, allowing Aaron and I to hear what the inhabitants were up to. We padded up to the door, where Aaron slid the door open the rest of the way with his snout, heading inside. I clambered in after him, stepping onto the single, cement step that rose from the patio and rested just below the threshold of the door. I bounded inside the house, skidding across the laminate floor of the kitchen. I narrowly avoided the light-colored wood chair that sat with its seat under the table as I slid past it. I thrust all four of my paws outward, abruptly halting my movement. My claws reluctantly scraped along against the polished wood, easing my stop.

I exhaled sharply as I reclaimed my paws, bringing them back under me. I stood on all fours, breathing slowly. A low chuckle sounded behind me.

“Ceres just waxed the floors.” I turned my head to see Cyrus sitting at the kitchen table. He was sitting in the chair next to the one that I nearly collided with, his muscular arms folded across his chest. A teasing smile played on his lips, and his dark blue eyes glittered with amusement. “Nonetheless, you really shouldn’t burst into people’s homes,” he added, pushing a spiraling lock of jet-black hair out of his face and standing up, looking down at the floor behind me. I followed his gaze, seeing the long, white scratches my claws had left in the delicate floor. Ceres would be furious. I looked around for Aaron, to see if he had just witnessed my embarrassing display. But he was gone, as though he had vanished into thin air.

“You’d better go before Ceres gets here,” Cyrus advised as though he had read my mind. I nodded briskly, and took off into the beige hallway, slowing when I reached the second-to-last door on my left. I nudged it open all the way (as it had been slightly open already), and made my way inside.

“Kladi!” I jerked my head to the right in response to my name. Atop a neatly made bed sat a thin, billowy girl with blonde hair as silky as satin. Her bright, beautiful blue-green eyes twinkled with excitement as she slid gracefully off the bed and danced over to me. She knelt down in front of me, throwing her arms around me in a huge, binding hug.

“Did you just come back from training with Aaron? I haven’t seen you all day!” she exclaimed. I bowed my head, a gesture that translated into “yes”. “Oh, I almost forgot!” Her sea-colored eyes widened in surprise. “Kupier wanted to see you out back. You’d better go quickly—he said it was important.” I cocked my head like a puppy and gave her a puzzled look. She shrugged in response.

“I asked him about why he needed you, but he said it wasn’t anything to worry about, and kinda brushed me off,” Mick stated, her mouth bunching up and moving to the left in a pensive manner. I furrowed my brow in response, and then shook my head. Mick stood up, a quick, fluid movement, and brushed herself off.

“Well, you’d better go,” she sighed, returning to her perch on her bed. I nodded, and slunk back out into the hallway. I wandered into the kitchen, where Cyrus was now washing dishes. It seemed unfair that he had perform such a chore, as he no longer had use for dishes. The only ones who consume normal food in the house are Aaron, my twin brother Seth, Mick, and I, who all are lycanthropes, and require a lot more food than the average human. The rest of our family; Isaac, Ceres, Cyrus, and Kupier, were vampires. They got their meals from the blood bank of the hospital that Kupier had access to. It didn’t make sense that Cyrus had to the dishes.

I guess I had stopped and was unintentionally scowling at the floor, of which I was staring at, because Cyrus cleared his voice, snapping me out of my reverie. I swung my head up and looked over at him, where he was continuing to wash the plates in the same, repetitive swirling motion. He would dip the rag in the water, swirl it around the plate a few times, rinse it off, and place it neatly on the towel. Then he would repeat these mindless motions, his eyes and face blank as though robotized.

“Are you okay?” Cyrus spoke, his voice filling the room. My eyes flitted over from his hands to his face, where I could see the small bits of dark stubble that were beginning to form around his jaw; little black dots against his ghostly-white alabaster skin.

I nodded slowly, cursing myself again for my lack of focus. I had to do something about that—and soon. What if I’m in battle and this happens? I’ll surely be killed. I nodded again, regaining my focus. Cyrus was still watching me intently with one eyebrow cocked, so I looked at the sliding door and then back at him, making my movements slow.

“Want the slider open?” he offered. I nodded a few times in response. He finished rinsing the plate he was currently working on, and then strode over to the sliding door and pulled it open. I bounded outside, my paws landing on the concrete patio with the lightest thud. I took off towards the warehouse-like building in the backyard, where I was positive I would find Kupier.

As I neared, I could see that the building’s entrance were two automatic sliding glass doors, similar in design to our house’s. However, when I came closer, they didn’t open upon my arrival. These sliding doors had to be open using a coded password that was to inputted into a small, gray box next to the sliding door. I knew the code; as did everyone who lived with Kupier. The problem was entering the code. I could reach the box if I stood up on my hind legs, but my paws wouldn’t allow for very accurate button-pressing. For this, I would need my good ‘ole phalanges.

I backed up several paces, until I was a good five yards away from the entrance. Digging my hind legs into the earth, I prepared to take off.

“5…4…3…” I mentally counted down in my head. “2…1.” And I was off. I started static into a full-on sprint, charging towards the door head on. When I was about two yards away from it, I leapt up into the air and closed my eyes.

In only a few seconds, I painted a picture of myself in my mind’s eye. Starting with my legs, I focused on how it felt to walk on just two legs, instead of four. I thought about my arms, shoulders, and fingers, and then my neck and head, and how they were bare, with no silvery-blue fur. I thought about my face and it’s pale, porcelain skin that was as white as a vampire’s, and my thick, black, straight hair.

Then I felt myself Shifting. It started, again, in my legs. I felt them lengthen as my thick fur and claws retracted. My spine straightened, forcing my body to stand erect. My forelegs lengthened into arms, and my paws elongated and shrunk into pale, slender fingers. The same thing happened with my feet. I wiggled my toes joyously, as the Shifting was almost complete. The last thing to Shift was my head. A gentle pressure seized my skull as it recoiled into itself, creating my human braincase. My snout shrank dramatically as it returned to my face. My eyes, however, were left alone. They were the only things that didn’t change when I Shifted. Everything else changed in my body when I Shifted. And I mean everything.

I shook out my hair as the Shifting ended. The physical change alone was enough to leave me out of breath. I often felt tired later in the day, however, because every time I Shift, my cells regenerate, and my DNA completely rewrites itself to fit my new form. However, even in my human form, I still possess many of my heightened senses and abilities that I have in my wolf form.

I stretched out my arms and rolled my neck before carefully typing in the code to enter the warehouse-like building. A soft click and a green flashing light from the box told me that I had entered it correctly. I stepped back and waited for the doors to slide open before trudging inside.

“Kupier?” I called out as the doors slid close behind me almost silently. When there was no response, I crept forward, inching towards the solid glass wall directly in front of me. Biohazard signs were printed on the glass in black and yellow, a fair and fitting warning to not enter.

Behind the glass, I could see the various tables and computers that were immaculately placed inside the lab space. Everything was silver and metallic, like a lab in a horror movie. I inwardly shivered as I searched meticulously for the door. After a few seconds, I found the handle, and then the door. It was set seamlessly into the glass wall, making it exceedingly difficult to find.

I curled my fingers around the slender, bracket-shaped, metal handle that jutted out from the smooth surface of the glass. I tugged on it, and it swung open with ease. I stepped inside the actual lab, and was greeted with a strong, burning smell. My heart raced, and I immediately assumed the worst.

I took off into a sprint, heading deeper into the lab. I veered to the left, as the lab was shaped like an upside down ‘L’. As I turned the corner, and the smell became stronger, such to the point that it was nearly overwhelming.
That’s when I found Kupier working on something behind a complex maze of chemical solutions and beakers as though it were nobody’s business. I let out a huge sigh of relief, placing my hand on the cement wall. Kupier briefly looked at me over his glasses, and then resumed his work, clearly disinterested. His thoroughly tanned hands, hidden by a pair of white, latex gloves, controlled a pair of tweezers as he picked at something on the counter in front of him with precise, scientific expertise.

“It seems to me that you’re developing a rude habit of bursting into buildings to make your presence known,” he commented a while later, after I had caught my breath. He picked up whatever it was that he had extracted with the tweezers, and dropped it into a beaker filled with a fluorescent green solution. He turned his back to me, the tweezers still in hand. I heard the sound of rushing water, so I assumed that he was washing them off.

“And who, pray tell, told you this?” I asked, approaching the counter where he was working. He turned around to face me, carefully laying down the tweezers.

“The same person who warned you about the floors.”

“When did you talk to Cyrus? Let me rephrase that— how did you talk to Cyrus before I came out here?”

“He left right before you came. He was only here for a short while. He wanted to ask me if I had heard anything about a coven of vampires that apparently is residing not too far from here. I told him no, and asked him to, if he saw you, tell you that I needed to speak with you.” I nodded slowly in comprehension as he picked up the beaker that held the green solution.

“So why do you need me?” I asked, forgetting the reason I had come here until he had mentioned it.
Kupier took a moment to reply as he idly moved the beaker around in a circular motion, causing the contained liquid to swirl. He stopped after a minute or so, and watched the liquid slow to a stop. “I need to talk to you,” he started slowly, setting the beaker down and meeting my waiting gaze, “About a man named Rhythyr. Is this name familiar to you?”

“No, I’ve never heard of him.”

Kupier sighed, saying, “I was afraid you might say that.”

“Why?” I asked, immediately feeling as though I had done something wrong by not knowing the name.

“Rhythyr is a vampire that’s been around from before the earth’s creation. He is extremely powerful, and possesses many unique abilities that have never been demonstrated before by vampires.”

“Okay, and you think I may know him because…” I gestured for Kupier to finish.

“Because he’s put a hit out on you and your brother.”

There was a moment of silence as I just stared at Kupier.

“A hit? As in, what the mafia and gangs do? Why? I don’t know this man!”

“Kladi, calm down. It’s more of…I don’t know how to describe it,” he admitted. “He wants you and your brother. I don’t know why or what for. All I know is that you two are in trouble. This vampire will stop at nothing to get what he desires.”

“Does this mean we have to leave?”

“No, we’re safe for now. He doesn’t know our location, nor does he know that you live with us. But it’s only a matter of time before he finds out. He’ll kidnap, torture, maim, and even kill to get the information he needs. Not many people know about us, but those who do value their lives. They’ll tell him with hesitation. Once he knows, we have to leave. But until then, we should be okay.” I stood there in speechless silence, a vast multitude of thoughts running through my mind.

“Kupier, where did you hear this? Who told you?” I asked, my tone unintentionally sharp.

“Erich did. He overheard some street vampires talking about it.” Erich Royner worked with Kupier as a coroner during the day (Kupier himself was a medical examiner), so Erich dealt with the politics while Kupier got him the information on murder victims. They were workmates and best friends.

“And Erich believes a bunch of poor, filthy scumbag vampires!?” I exclaimed. Kupier paused, replying in a soft, calm voice.

“Are you willing to take that chance?”

I sighed, defeated. “No.”

“Then we will do our best to stay informed. Kladi, if I didn’t think it was a problem, then I wouldn’t say anything. I’ve already told Seth; he came in this evening while you were out training with Aaron. Everybody else knows as well and are on the lookout for anything that could lead to him. I think its best for you to stay indoors for now. I’m sorry,” he apologized. My eyes narrowed. It was my number one pet peeve; being confined to a small space and not being allowed to roam.

“Okay, I’ll be good,” I promised, earning a slight smile from Kupier.

“That’s all I needed,” he concluded, returning to his work.

I departed from the lab, emerging into the faded darkness of night. The stars still shone brightly overhead, as they were the one thing that the darkness couldn’t swallow. The air was cool and quiet, the soft breeze licking the bare skin of my arms. I headed towards the illuminated house, where a faint glow of yellow light pooled on the grass. I stepped into the circle of light, my eyes squinting in response to its harsh brightness, as it was much stronger that the light the lab had offered.

I slid open the door and snuck inside. The gouges I had left in the floor earlier still remained; however, much to my relief, they weren’t as noticeable as I had thought they were. I carefully stepped around them, heading towards my room.

I gently pushed the oak door in with two fingers, and it slowly swung open with little momentum. I followed it inside, closing it behind me. My eyes adjusted to the dark room, and I began to make out shapes. Mick’s bed was on the right, completely unscathed and vacant, and mine mirrored it on the left. I crept forward, heading to my bed. I was about to throw myself onto it when the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and a feeling of hyperawareness trickled throughout my fingers and toes.

It was then that I heard a knock. I whipped around, ready to face the intruder that waited on the other side of the door. I crept up to the threshold like a predator hunting its prey. Very carefully, I approached the door, ready to attack. I readied my fist, and turned the handle.

“Kladi, it’s me!” Aaron exclaimed, throwing his hands up in defense. “Jesus, calm down!” he chuckled, a teasing smile spreading across his face. I frowned, my eyes narrowing in aggravation.

“I don’t think you realize how close I was to punching you in the face,” I commented grimly through tightly pressed lips.

“I don’t think you realize how close I was to sneaking in here and scaring the living hell out of you,” he replied, his grin widening into a sly and challenging gesture. “But it seems I’ve already done that,” he teased. I pushed in him the chest with one hand playfully and turned my back to him, grinning to myself. I made my way to my bed, throwing myself face-first into it. As soon as my face hit the pillow, an overwhelming sense of fatigue struck me.

“If you don’t mind, I would like some sleep,” I spoke into the pillow, my voice muffled.

“We don’t always get what we want, now do we?” The bed dipped in response to his added weight as he sat down besides me. I could feel the heat that radiated off of him against my back.

Sitting up, I replied, “Yes, but we can always force others to do what we want. Now scram.” I pointed to the door with my right hand.

“It’s nice to know my company is enjoyed,” Aaron replied with a sigh as he stood. “Sleep well,” he said as he waved and left. I nestled back down when the door opened again.

“What now Aaron?” I groaned, rolling towards the wall.

There was no response.

I sat up, staring into the dark void of my bedroom. I could just barely make out the shape of my bed, and beyond that, the closet door that hung ajar from earlier, but the rest was swallowed by unending darkness. The tingling sense of hyperawareness returned, and I sat up in response.

“Hello?” I called out softly. I was replied with dead silence. Several quiet seconds passed, but the feeling of another presence didn’t. Figuring that maybe it was because I was tired, I laid back down on my bed.

“Hello,” A slick male voice responded. My blood turned to ice in my veins, and my heart momentarily stopped beating. My body went rigid as my breath caught, and I slowly sat up in painful shock.

“Who are you?” I demanded, composing myself. I tried to appear brave, but upon taking a breath inwards, I could smell that he was a vampire. Despite how I acted, he would be able to smell the fear that poured off of me.

“I have several names. But you may know me as one of the most popular.”

“Which is what?”

“Guess.”

“Look, I don’t have time to play Rumpelstiltsken here,” I said with a flash of irritability. “Why are you here?”

“For you,” he said, his tone suggesting that it was obvious.

[i“Why? What use am I to you?” I challenged, realizing that this unplanned midnight visit wasn’t going to end well. “Aaron?” I asked in my head, picturing him in my mind’s eye.

“Finally decided you missed me?” he replied moments later.

“Yes. Come quick; your company would be rather appreciated right now. Someone’s here—in my room. They said they came for me.” There was no reply from Aaron.

“Because Kladi,” My intruder redirected my attention back to him, as my conversation with Aaron only took a few seconds. “You see, you’re special. In ways you don’t even realize. You can do things that no other lycanthrope can do. Things like—” He was suddenly cut off by Aaron, who had burst through the door and hit the vampire over the head with glass vase. The vampire slid to his knees, his eyelids starting to close. He was unconscious within a few moments. Aaron set down the cracked vase and hurried over to me. I marveled at how the vase was still intact.

“Despite contrary belief, the vase is too heavy to break upon the impact of hitting a human skull,” he explained aloud quickly, reading my mind. “Come with me; I’ll explain everything to you later,” he promised. I jumped off the bed and he grabbed my hand, leading me out of the bedroom and into the living room. We sprinted for the garage when a thought dawned on me.

“Aaron! What about the others?!” I exclaimed, worried for the sake of my family. Aaron’s eyes grew large in realization. Without a second thought, I let out a bloodcurdling scream. Lights flipped on throughout the house as Aaron pulled me into the garage.

“Climb in,” he ordered. I clambered into Cyrus’s black Avalanche as Aaron jumped in on the driver’s side, fumbling with the keys. “Shit!” he cursed to himself as he backed out of the driveway frantically. The minute the front wheels hit the pavement of the streets, he slammed his foot on the gas, causing the car to lurch forward. The momentum was enough to force me back into my seat.

I stole a glance back at our rapidly disappearing house. Just before it was swallowed by the silhouettes of the trees, I caught a glimpse of my intruder, who was sneaking away into the natural cover the forest provided.

“Aaron! He’s getting away!” I warned.

“It’s better than him staying and coming after our coven,” he reassured me.

After a few minutes of silence, Aaron slowed the car down to a steady pace. We were approaching the city, its light-brazen neon lights creating a faint, soft, yellow hue above the buildings. He let out a huge sigh and we pulled up to the red stoplight. He removed his left hand from the steering wheel, holding his forehead in it and leaning with his elbow propped up against the window.

“Aaron?” I asked softly.

“Mmhm?” he hummed in response, his eyes surveying the road as the light turned green.

“Who exactly was that?” His right hand tightened around the steering wheel, causing his knuckles to turn bone white.

“That,” Aaron sighed, placing his left hand back on the steering wheel, “Would be Rhythyr,” he finished through clenched teeth.

“That’s who Kupier warned all of us to watch out for? He didn’t seem like much.”

“That’s only because I caught him by surprise.” I glanced over at Aaron, feeling the stressful vibe he gave off. His lips were pressed tightly together, his brow was furrowed, and the muscles of his arm showed taut, even through the thick material of his gray sweatshirt. “Don’t underestimate him,” he continued, warning me. “That was only a test. Next time, we might not be so lucky.”




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Hey there Kladi!

I've read over the first part of this chapter already, so this will be a review over the whole chapter. :)

I really enjoyed reading this! It was gripping and kept my attention all the way through, so great job! That's exactly what a first chapter is supposed to do. I really like the use of lycanthropes and vampires, and the fact that they seem to be able to coexist without hating each others guts. It always seems like the fantasy races just can't seem to get along lately. ;) Now, on to the big stuff.

Lycanthropes, Vampires, and Society
How common are lycanthropes and vampires? Are they recognized as equal members of society by regular humans? Do humans even know they exist? There's not much hinting at one or the other now, which isn't a problem, but is something to think about. How the rest of the world views your characters will have a big impact on how they act, and how the plot will proceed.

Rhythyr
Alright. The big bad guy. He has powers that no other vampire has, yet he's unknown to Kladi (everyone else knows about him, so it seems likely that she should know about him too, at least vaguely). Also, if he could just appear into their house (how'd that happen anyway? Was it a power? Did he just waltz in the front door without a house full of hyperaware lycanthropes detecting him? How'd he get out without the others catching him?) then what would have stopped him from using some of his crazy vampire powers to just take Kladi with him? If he has the ability then what would stop him?

Villains are fun, and crazy hard to write. Good villains in fiction are hard to come by. Don't let yours fall by the wayside. ;) A story is so much more entertaining and exciting if the villain puts up a great fight and it doesn't seem like the heroes are going to win the whole time. And please give him brains. Any villain who can stay around and on top for a significant amount of time is going to be smart enough to not let undertrained heroes get by him. ;)

That's all I have to say. There's nothing big really wrong with this chapter, those are just my thoughts on realism that could come in to play shortly into your story. Realism is important in all fiction, and especially in fantasy. Of course nothing in fantasy could realistically happen in our world, but it all needs to seem realistic in the world of the fantasy. ;)

Good job and keep writing! If you have any questions, or would like another review, feel free to send a PM my way! I'd love to read more of this!

-Lauren-
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thanks for the review! i will definitely keep some of these in mind for the upcoming chapters!!! thank you!!




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Hey, Kladi!! Sorry I couldn't get back to you in time! Anyways, here's the review, I hope it helps with your story! :)

We weaved through the thick-trunked oaks like snakes slinking through tall grass, neither of us talking. We emerged from the shadowy depths of the forest a few minutes later, stepping into another, larger clearing. Two buildings, a house and a warehouse, this could be separated by hyphens stood before us, dark and intimidating.

“Kladi!” I jerked my head to the right in response to my name. Atop a neatly made bed sat a thin, billowy is billowy the right word here? It doesn’t sound right. girl with blonde hair as silky as satin.

That’s when I found Kupier working on something behind a complex maze of chemical solutions and beakers as though it were nobody’s business. I let out a huge sigh of relief, placing my hand on the cement wall. Kupier briefly looked at me over his glasses, and then resumed his work, clearly disinterested. His thoroughly tanned hands, hidden by a pair of white, latex gloves, controlled a pair of tweezers as he picked at something on the counter in front of him with precise, scientific expertise. I really love your description of him. Awesome job!


“He left right before you came. He was only here for a short while. He wanted to ask me if I had heard anything about a coven of vampires that apparently is residing not too far from here. I told him no, and asked him to, if he saw you, tell you that I needed to speak with you. Wait, so how does this explain how he heard Cyrus tell her about the floors? It‘s pretty confusing. And is it really necessary to explain it all? ” I nodded slowly in comprehension as he picked up the beaker that held the green solution.


“Erich did. He overheard some street vampires talking about it. If hardly anyone knows about Rythyr, then how come a couple of vampire thugs know about him? It doesn‘t add up.


. I think its it’s best for you to stay indoors for now


“Despite contrary belief, the vase is too heavy to break upon the impact of hitting a human skull I thought it was a vampire, not a human?,” he explained aloud quickly, reading my mind.


Very nice! Now for some overall comments :)

I like your characters. They each have their own personality and contrast one another, and I think you can take that to an even bigger extent. Kupier is intriguing to me, he seems like the one who is always walled up doing experiments for his own liking, and not really caring or having any interest in the real world or the people around him. You can make him even more unique if you show his flaws as well as his abilities; maybe people sometimes become angry with him because he’s so insensitive, or you can emphasize on how smart he can be when it matters most. Just food for thought. My main point here is just to simply flesh out your characters, and you have plenty of time for that.

I thought it was a little strange how you described the buildings in the beginning; you made it sound like she had never seen the structures before, and I was under the impression that they were intruding inside some complete stranger’s household. So I was thrown when I realized that she lived here. Try describing things in a way that tells us that the character is familiar with the surroundings.

Another thing with your descriptions. It feels like at some parts, you aren’t describing the right things. Here’s an example:

I narrowly avoided the light-colored wood chair that sat with its seat under the table as I slid past it.


I nodded briskly, and took off into the beige hallway


The words ‘beige’ and ‘light colored’ don’t really tell us anything about the objects you are describing, and they feel a bit useless. Why is it important that the chair was lightly colored? Are we ever going to come in contact with this chair again? I guess all I’m saying is to find what details are necessary to the story, and which ones aren’t. It got to the point where I thought ‘I don’t care what colors the walls are, or the texture of the door handle. I want to know more about how your character felt, and how they saw the people around them. Sure, you give us their hair, eye, and skin color, but you can be more insightful than that. Did she sometimes imagine Maki as being fairylike? Or did she always picture Cyrus to be like an older brother of hers? Maybe, for some special reason, she found herself being attracted to the way Aaron’s hair caught the moonlight. Understand what I’m getting at?

Onto your villain, Rythyr. It’s too early to make any assumptions on him yet, but my advice is to stay away from the same cliché character traps that many other writers fall into when trying to create a villain. Above all, I think it’s most important for a villain to feel like a genuine threat to a reader. I think you’ve accomplished this. Even though he caused no one harm, he managed to show up completely unexpected, and Aaron’s reaction after coming in contact with him makes me think he knows enough about him to know when to run away. This is all very interesting to me. Oh, and make sure you give him a reason for his devilish actions; lack of soul, total psychopath, his momma didn’t love him, whatever.

Besides that, I think you’ve created an effective storyline here. I hope my review (though extremely late) helped you a little. If you have any questions, or update this novel, please let me know!

Have an awesome day :)
~blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
— Niels Bohr