The Waiting

Solitude is the single note stung
from your violin, long and quavering
in this shadow painted auditorium.
It's so thick the vibration is inside
your chest, and mine, squeezing
against your throat, my pulse,
and pausing against our lips.


Do you remember when you fell
against my smile, curved and pursed,
a sudden crush of skin.
Your lips had flaked onto mine,
and forever I'll be licking the cracks of
you from my wrinkles.


Instead, the haughty note of you
is thrumming in my ears and I
see the fading outline of who we were


in the moment of our deception.
Fighting against ourselves,
war inevitable in the tangle of your
fingers and mine.


"That's beautiful," you whispered,
leaving me behind.

Oh my gosh! you make my writing seem like dirt! don't worry I under stood everything you said immediately I read "Solitude is the single note stung from your violin, long and quavering" was instantly glued. I wonder, are you an English major or teacher, is so it shows. the only part of you poem I could not understand was "and forever I'd be licking the cracks of
you from my wrinkles.", but other than that I loved the way you used imagery, it painted a clear picture of they way the narrator feels in regards to his or her lover(significant other) keep writing more, and when you post it, tell me immediately!

I simply loved your use of imagery in this piece. It was nothing short of gorgeous. There were some punctuation erros as was stated by someone else, but overall I really liked this. My favorite lines were the first two. The elegance of the violin really bolstered your imagery. Well done!

Amazing, really truly amazing. You sound like you've been writing forever. You sound like a professional on this. I'm actually speechless, but really that was awesome, I loved it.

Oh my darling, beautiful as always. The flow is smooth and there's a haunting nature to it which fits perfectly with the theme and I love your choice of language and your imagery is perfect. I only have a few measly comments to offer I'm afraid:

Solitude is the single note stung [Did you mean stung? I think maybe you meant strung, though that doesn't sound quite so good, but it does make more sense.]
from your violin, long and quavering
in this shadow painted auditorium. [These first three lines are breath-taking, particularly this third line.]
It's so thick the vibration is inside
your chest, and mine, squeezing
against your throat, my pulse,
and pausing against our lips.

Do you remember when you fell
against my smile, curved and pursed, [Good use of repetition, it really adds to the rhythm.]
a sudden crush of feeling and skin. [I think feeling is a little weak and doesn't do much to describe.]
Your lips had flaked onto mine,
and forever I'd be licking the cracks of
you from my wrinkles.

I have no comments for the rest because I loved it too much. I don't think I've ever had so little to say about a poem. I feel a bit at a loss as to how a review should go in this case so I'll simply end with, 'I love it!' and leave you to your perfection,

Heather xxx

Wow. I love your writing style. You say things in such a unique way that I wouldn't expect. I really don't have anything to critique, your description is so beautiful and unexpected and you convey emotion through that really well. I like how the two bodies are a running theme through the poem. Awesome!

HI!
I really enjoyed reading your poem, here are a few words:

Solitude is the single note stung from your violin,Hehe, I play the violin.
long and quaveringin this shadow painted auditorium.
It's so thick the vibration is inside your chest, and mine,
squeezing against your throat, my pulse, and pausing against our lips.Very nice, I really like this part
Do you remember when you fell against my smile, curved and pursed,
a sudden crush of feeling and skin.
Your lips had flaked onto mine,
and forever I'd be licking the cracks of you from my wrinkles.
Instead, the haughty note of you is thrumming in my ears
and I see the fading outline of who we were in the moment of our deception. Wow, somebeautiful words said here
Fighting against ourselves, war inevitable in the tangle of your fingers and mine.
"That's beautiful," you whispered, leaving me behind.Amazing, just amazing.

You did a grand job!
You have an amazing way of writing!
The length was perfect, and in the end, you left them wanting more!
I really enjoyed reading this and I hope you will write more like this!
Thank you for posting it.

Pengu!

I cannot begin to tell you how beautiful this poem is. I've read a lot of your poetry in the past but haven't ever gotten around to reviewing it, but since you did mine I figured that I would return the favor. This contains everything I love about poetry; It's short, simple, sweet, and the feeling is incredibly powerful. I both envy and admire your talent to a great extent, being able to tell such a powerful and compelling story in a short space of time. Your last line is absolutely lovely.

My only complaint that is that this poem is somewhat hard to follow. Part of that could be because of the structure of the first stanza -- while I like the rhythm, the line breaks were all over the place and it somewhat interrupted the flow of the piece. I can't tell whether this couple is supposed to be young or old -- "and forever I'd be licking the cracks of you from my wrinkles" makes me think the latter, but the general tone of the piece seems shaky and insecure, and makes me think the narrator is younger. It would also be nice to have some clarification as to whether your narrator is female or male. I'm also not fond of some of the images, such as "your lips had flaked on to mine". It's just not visually stimulating, and while that may have been the intent, it turned me off of the poem to an extent.

I would also like to see more of a setting in this poem. While I can tell this is supposed to be more emotion and character based, I couldn't really picture anything that was going on. If you focus on creating a scene, I think that will be able to enhance the emotion. As I said earlier, I don't know if these characters are young or old, so I can't picture them. You don't describe any scenes, and I imagine this taking place in a plain room with white walls and a simple carpet for some reason, which I know isn't the case. While you make a reference to an auditorium in the first stanza, I can't tell if this is supposed to be literal or figurative. You talk about the violin, so I'm inclined to think it's the former, but you don't have to be in an auditorium to play the violin, so, if you could work on that it would be awesome.

I can't really comment on structure because you pretty much have it nailed. I hope this helps you a bit; poetry isn't exactly my strong point and there really wasn't much wrong I could find. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns -- I'd be happy to hit this up with a second review if this didn't help you in any way. Good luck with the revisions!

~ Elinor