Unexpected!: Chapter 2

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I woke up to a light rain beating against my bedroom window. Maybe it would snow, then again it was Georgia. I got ready for school and then went downstairs to eat some breakfast.

“Morning, April.” My dad greeted me.

“Morning.” I replied. I made myself a bowl of raisin bran. “So dad, how’s the real-estate business going?” I asked starting the small talk this time.

That got him started. “Well it’s going great. In fact my company just bought a whole new neighborhood. We got lucky, and got to it before Mr. Day, our competition. And…”

“Oh well look at the time, I’m going to be late for school. Bye dad, love you.” I said interrupting him before he got to into it. Kissing him on the forehead I headed to the garage.

“Bye.” I heard him call from behind me.

I got into my car, for the first time, and took a deep breath. Being the new student isn’t something I’m used too. Usually if I’m uncomfortable with something I talk to mom, and she helps me out. My eyes stung and a lump formed in my throat. I have to stop thinking about mom. I’ve been able to keep her from my thoughts fro the most part, but being here is making me remember her more and more.

The ride to the school was long, since we lived out in the country. Well not long, but a good 20 minutes. When I saw the sign for Upson Lee High School I pulled into the parking lot and searched for an open space. Surprisingly there were a lot. On a sign on the wall outside of the school it read “Upson Lee High home of 1493,” or now 1494, “Knights!” The sign was colored purple and silver and I assumed they were the school colors. It was a brick building with a green roof.

I went to the front office, which thankfully was easy to find, and went to the lady at the desk. She was short and plump, she wore glasses, had gray hair and gray eyes.

“Um, hi I’m new here and I need my schedule, and uh can I get a map of the school please?” I asked the lady.

“Okay, well I’m Mrs. Bridges, and I’m gonna need your full name honey.” She told me in a sweet voice.

“Um, okay my full name is April Marie Johnson.” I told her.

“Oh yes your David’s daughter, we’ve been expecting you. How is David?” she exclaimed with happiness.

“He’s good, at work.” I replied. I should have known this was coming. Stupid small towns.

“Okay well here’s your schedule and a map for ya. You need to get this paper signed by all your teachers and bring it back at the end of the day alright honey?” she gave me the papers, and smiled.

“Yes ma’am, thank you.” I thanked her returning her smile. Well she was a little over bearing with kindness.

Looking at my schedule I saw that I had Biology for first block with Mr. Greene. Oh fun. I took out the map Mrs. Bridges gave me and started walking where it led me.

Not watching where I was going I ran right into somebody and fell to the ground. Oh great this day is off to a great start.

“Are you alright?” a male voice was asking me. His voice sent chills down my spine but that was nothing compared to what I felt when I looked up and saw his concerned face. He was breath taking. He had deep blue eyes that reminded me of the ocean, and chocolate brown hair. His face was proportioned almost perfectly, but what little flaws he did have made him even more beautiful.

Realizing he was waiting for an answer, and that I was gawking at him, I finally came out of my daze. “Umm yeah I’m fine.”

“Well that’s a relief.” He smiled and held out his hand.

That smiled melted me down to core. Robotically I took his hand and let him help me up. When our hands met a jolt of warmth flowed through me.

“So your April right, the new girl?” he asked me. And I would have gotten aggravated again at the fact that everyone already knew who I was, but I couldn’t bring myself to be irritated with him.

“Yeah that’s me. So you know my name, what’s yours?” I asked him smiling.

“I’m Jake. Very nice to meet you April, although I’m sorry it was painful for you.” He chuckled.

“Yeah it was nice, but painful.” I giggled. Wow he was nice too.

“Well we better get to class; you don’t want to be late on your first day. So what’s your first block class?” he asked me, staring into my eyes.

“I uh have Biology with Mr. Greene.” I replied sadly, not wanting him to go.

“Oh cool me to. We can walk together!” He exclaimed happily with that dazzling smile again.

“That sounds great.” I returned the smile, trying to keep in my excitement.

Jake was tall, like 5”8 or 5”9, he was slender but built. He seemed like he’d be good at sports, and he had a certain charm about him. I know I seemed really short next to him. I was only 5”3 and I had long blonde hair, blue eyes, and I guess I had a nice figure. In comparison to Jake, I’m not really pretty.

“So does your head hurt?” he asked concerned again.

“Just a little, but I’ll be okay.” I reassured him. It was sweet he cared.

“Okay, well I’m sorry for running into you.” He apologized.

“No it’s not your fault, I wasn’t paying attention.” I said.

“Well let’s split the blame then.” He laughed.

“Works for me.” I laughed along with him.

“Well here we are, Biology, yay fun.” He said sarcastically.

“Loads.” I agreed matching his tone.

“Mr. Greene, we got a new student.” Jake announced to the tall bald man, standing in front of the class.

“Thank you Mr. Owens, now sit down.” He told him in a strict tone.

“Yes sir.” Jake gave me one last smile and sat down to next to some guy with shaggy blonde hair.

“Um I’m April, you have to sign this.” I gave the paper to him to sign.

“Yes Ms. April I know what to do.” He scribbled his name on the sheet and handed it to me. “Now sit down in an open seat.” He told me in a mean way.

Okay that was a little rude. Mr. Greene just became my least favorite teacher. I sat down next to a girl that seemed to look a like lot Jake. I mean same chocolate brown hair, except hers was at her waist. She also had the same ocean blue eyes.

“Hey, I’m April.” I smiled and introduced myself. She seemed nice enough.

“Hi, I’m Katelyn Owens” she said shaking my extended hand and smiled.

“I’m glad I’m meeting some nice people today.” I told her smiling.

“So how did you meet Jake?” she asked curiously.

“Uh we had a little collision and we ended up walking to class together, he’s your friend?” I told her answering her question and asking my own.

“Um actually he’s my brother, my twin actually.” She told me smiling.

“Oh, that’s cool. Ya’ll do look a lot alike now that I think about it.” I laughed, wondering how I didn’t think of them being related. They had the same exact eyes.

“Ha-ha yeah, well be better pay attention, Mr. Greene is pretty strict.” She warned me.
“Yeah your right, I’ve seemed to already be on his bad side as it.”

After an hour and a half of Mr. Greene lecturing about the ‘interesting’ life of and organism, the bell finally rang. Katelyn and I walked up to where Jake was standing at his desk.

“Hey Jake.” I said smiling, looking into his dazzling blue eyes.

“Hey April.” He greeted me smiling that perfect smile and looking in my eyes too.

Katelyn cleared her throat, and we both looked away awkwardly. I was blushing, ugh.

“Oh hey sis, I uh didn’t see you there.” He said shooting a mile her way. We started walking out the class and continued our conversation.

“Uh-huh, of course. Anyway, April what class do you have next?”

“Um English with Mrs. Niemi, what about y’all?” I asked anxiously wanting to see if I had a class with at least one of them.

“I have math.” Jake said frowning.

“English, we have it together!” She exclaimed smiling.

“Well what do you have 3rd and 4th, April?” Jake asked me.

“I Have Math with Mrs. Cook 3rd, and Gym 4th.” I answered him.

“Cool we have Gym together.” Jake said smiling at me.

“And we have 3rd together April, so that’s cool we have 3 classes together and lunch. No worries Jake has lunch with us too,” She smiled at us and winked, “anyway, April here’s our class. See ya at lunch Jake.” Katelyn dragged me into the class room.

I Gave Mrs. Niemi the slip and sat down next to Katelyn. She had a big smile on her face when I did sit down.

“Jake likes you!” she whispered excitedly.

“What? He barely knows me, how can he like me?” I whispered back shocked, and of course blushing.

“You like him too.” She told me knowingly.

“No…no I don’t.” I lied. I mean do I? I just met him, but God he was amazing.

“whatever.” She rolled her eyes.

For the rest of the class time I was absorbed in my own thoughts. Asking myself over and over, do I like him? My silent answer was yes you do!
Last edited by AngelMarie on Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
E. L. Doctorow




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Heya, Angel!

I'm sorry this has taken me a while... You reviewed my piece, like, straight away when I asked you. I've taken ages to get to this. Enough of my excuses though. If you have any questions or anything after this review, don't hesitate to let me know/ask me about anything.

I've read the first chapter, so I might bring a bit of that into this review. What I noticed in that was more or less the same as what I noticed in this too, so they both come together anyway really. Anyway! I like this so far, Angel. I'm a big fan of high school romances, I will admit, and I think you've potentially got a nice one coming here. I will warn you that high school romances is a cliché subject, so you need to be careful that you don't fall into that trap. So long as you keep this interesting and original though, you'll be fine.

My main critique for you would have to be that the pace sometimes feels a bit rushed. What I'd actually like to see you doing for both chapters is maybe extending them. What I've noticed was that you often use quite a bit of dialogue to give information and generally progress the story. The problem is that I think you use a bit too much dialogue sometimes. Because of that, it fastens the piece and makes it feel more rushed. I think you need to start describing some things in more detail instead of telling us those details through dialogue. Is that making any sense?

Speaking of dialogue, another problem that it seems to be causing is a feeling of telling, not showing. Like I said before, you're giving us a lot of information through the dialogue. It's giving a bit of an info-dump kind of feeling. Some of it can sound a bit unrealistic too. Take when April and Katelyn first met and were talking.

She said, and continued with “I noticed y’all walk in together, we’re fraternal twins, in case you were wondering.”


Okay, so they've just met, and that's one of the first things Katelyn says to April? It seems a bit unrealistic to me. Funnily enough, a pair of fraternal twins were in my school when I moved up to secondary school (High school). They were two years above me, if I remember correctly. I remember talking to one of them once - at the time, I didn't know he was one half of fraternal twins - and that fact wasn't brought up. I talked to him a few more times, and it was after speaking to him about six more times when I found out he was a twin. I don't know... it just seems a bit weird that Katelyn would say that straight away to April.

There are a good amount of kids in her class, right? Would she really immediately assume that Katelyn and Jake were related? What I'd suggest for you to do is maybe have April wonder if they were related throughout the lesson, resulting in her asking Katelyn if they're related. I think that would be more believable than having Katelyn tell April that her and Jake are related? Make sense? I don't think I've made sense at all here... xD

Anyway! I like!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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You didn't take long at all! At least your review was more of a review than mine!

Anyway your making perfect sense here! I was thinking of that when i typed it was a little off to me to, but at that point i was a block lol. i was thinking that April can find out when both the girls go up to Jake at the end of the class when he say "oh hi sis...." what do you think?

And yes I'm fully aware of the cliche' dangers of this, but i ensure you that more and more of it will be more suspense about the plot along with the romance! :D i have it all out in my head it's just the matter of putting it on paper haha!! :D

I'm going to go back and edit alot once i have all of my story typed up, it's not done but i have up to chapter 20 written on paper that i need to get typed. I will go back and make the appropriate descriptions needed to slow the pace of the story and add interest :D

Thank you so much for your review Skins!! as always your a big help!! :D
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
E. L. Doctorow



There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke