Chapter of Fathomable Sadness

Spoiler

Thank you everyone, for the feedback. I have to apologize on the bit of messiness due to my learning of proficient navigation here at YWS. It was partly, but not entirely, an afterthought to make this piece the start of something much bigger in scope. I will redirect everyone from here to my reworking of this into the start of a novel: novel.php?id=1084 Comments and critique are both always, highly welcomed.

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Update, February 15, 2011: I have decided that the work spawned from this piece has gone in a direction that it does not benefit from this prologue. Check out the first chapter of my novel for more details. I did make some small changes to this piece there, mainly correcting minor typos, spelling and grammar errors. This update represents all of the edits from the prologue I have removed from the novel, minus the reworked title for it.

Chapter of Fathomable Sadness
Bittersweet Hope for an Implausible Future

Through the twisted expanses of this universe, there is much uncertainty. This land called Hera, is but a small drop in the twinkling sea of unknowns. Its display is just another face in the unfathomable, boundless place that it exists within. Though it is but a tiny presence, Hera is one of many.

We cannot help what we are. We may be just another speck within any perpetually growing expanse of specks. Until we know every single speck's every solitary detail, let us not assume the significance of any speck over another. Though the roles may be vast and varied, a role does not exist without first needing to be filled at all. No one is forcing anyone to play a role; this remains a choice to the very end.

As far as historical records indicate, Herans barely know anything about their very own speck. Hera has been around for longer than anyone can say, and it has seen many unfathomable things. There is much that remains detailed within history, yet there is far more that lies outside of what has been written. So much is lost, continues to be lost, by means of this fickle creature called time; knowledge is trampled into oblivion by the lofty and bloody ambitions of a few. What this world has seen, what this tiny speck of Hera has yet to see, pales in comparison to all that its tomes could ever hope to hold.

In this single, solitary moment that I have frozen in time, I doubt many would look at Hera and exclaim,

"What a great place Hera looks to be!"

Indeed, I am quite embarrassed to present my world in the state it is currently in. I could say that there is worse and retort with,

"The speck of Hielle is as dark and disgusting as it has ever been."

But Hielle is Hielle, and Hera is Hera. Both are disjointly distinct specks, of which I can only speak for one. Besides, within the boundless possibilities that not even I can see, there is always worse to be found. Even if I could rightly say that Hera is comparatively average, there is no reason to be any less ashamed of ugly truths.

In a minuscule amount of time preceding this moment, mere centuries, a great deal of regression has taken place. In a few blinks of time, Herans have proven their boundless capacity for ignorance like never before. Their ability to destroy so cleanly, and with so little, is unparalleled from any time than even I wish to recall.

Herans do such despicable things with their free will. To be honest, I am not sure that there exists a single being on Hera who is not entirely lost, confused, and scared witless. The pattern between shaky peace and violent war remains ever predictable; time seems bemused to provide the only notable variance.

Herans only get tired of fighting when they become apathetic to their cause, and they only enjoy peace for as long as they can deny their own ignorance within fellow comrades. It is only a matter of time until one speaks up to shout,

"Hypocrite!"

thus reminding everyone of everything that they wish to forget. The following cacophony of anguished cries serve as a vehicle to transport the wrath of hypocrites once more. For a time again, Herans are brought to the senseless destruction of things that they cannot change.

I really do not think the Herans are a bad bunch, or that they are beyond hope. Unfortunately, it seems that it only takes a crafty few, to shade a blinding light under shrouds of darkness. Herans today call deafening, what their forefathers called inaudible only a millennium ago.

Of course, who am I to judge? I did not create Hera after all; though, I am no Heran myself. I cannot really say what I am either way. If it helps, think of me as: an entity.

A being, not so far removed from reality, that has been charged with serving time. A body, truer than any of the words Herans scream, that is serving a role from uncountable numbers. An actor, playing a part, that simply coexists on the same stage with Hera.

Yes, call me 'Narrator' if it helps to carry my story along. What little there is, there is still too much to be told.

There is a saying amongst Herans,

"Let's get this stupid round thing rolling already!"

I can only pray that I have found the right spherical object to spin this time around.

Hello, RinSuru. I, Art, shall be your reviewer this fine day of review.

You have quite a mouthful of a title there; if I might suggest shortening it to something a bit more manageable, at least in the topic title, it would make for a far less intimidating first impression. Speaking of, it is quite an intimidating title, and it in conjunction with the ending of this piece has me wondering if this is intended to be part of a larger work.

Concerning the content of this piece, it struck me as rather bland, being both overly and overtly philosophical; in fact, it came across as more pseudo-philosophical as you introduced so many concepts but did not expand nor follow up on them. As a result, the bulk of this piece came across as practically unintelligible to one not well-acquainted with philosophy, which results in an alienation of many of your potential readers; you do have to consider that most of your audience on this site is young and has not yet been exposed to different philosophies as a structured form of thought. The lack of development of concepts also made for rather rocky reading as you essentially jumped from one idea to another with little transition between.

Taking the first paragraph for instance:

Through the twisted expanses of this universe, there is much uncertainty. This land called Hera, is but a small drop in the twinkling sea of unknowns. Its display is just another face in the unfathomable, boundless place that it exists within. Though it is but a tiny presence, Hera is one of many.

There are multiple concepts within this first paragraph: uncertainty in the universe, the existence of Hera, of one being many. However, how does each of these concepts lead to one another? Currently, any connection is either tenuous or missing and is in sore need of expansion to show said connection.

Now, while the philosophistry appears to be part of the narrator's voice, it is a rather difficult voice to comprehend and appreciate. As such, in the current form, you reduce the readership of this piece to a rather small niche.

I believe that if you were to expand upon the concepts, better show their connections to one another, this piece would become more accessible to a wider audience. At the moment, however, due to the abstractness and disjointedness of the concepts presented, and that the majority of members here lack the knowledge needed to appreciate said concepts, this work comes across as rather pretentious, and I do wonder why you posted it on YWS rather than a site geared more towards older writers.

In the future, I suggest perhaps writing and posting works that are more accessible to the larger YWS audience. You do have an interesting concept here, but it is buried by the rather unpleasant to read structure.

Hi, Rin!

Firstly, I've got to ask - are you sure you have posted this in the right forum? Maybe it's just me, but it seemed more like a prologue, or anyway an introduction to something bigger, rather than an individual story. Mainly because there is no story here, there is just background.

What I liked about this was the calm narrating and the progressing which was... tardy, shall we say. Sometimes it's nicer to read something that doesn't kick you in the face from the beginning. Then again, the sluggishness could very easily become annoying or boring, especially if this was any longer. However, even though the words and structures you used were slightly pretentious, I quite liked them anyhow. You really have a reason for some Schadenfreude for knowing such good words

I also liked the world/people you were starting to build, because it reminded me of Ancient Greece (hmm, I wonder why... )

So, if this is a story, that's what you really need - a story. This is an introduction without a plot or characters, so it can hardly give your readers much of anything.

I hope I said something sensible here!


Demeter
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