A Passion Called Hate: Chapter One

Date: August 13th
Time: Twelve-thirty
For a moment, I was hypnotised.
The three girls’ postures were straight, reflecting their high confidence. All eyes fixed on them like superglue, and they seemed to know it. Other girls looked around and attempted to appear indifferent, but couldn’t keep their eyes away for long.
Even boys who thought girls had cooties stared at them in silence.
Plain, simple me could only stare at them in admiration. Laughing, the tallest girl picked out a mobile from the pocket of her blue shorts. Claudia held it extra high, as if challenging somebody to tell her off for disobeying the rules.
There was only pure silence, nobody rebelling against them. A sign that everybody appreciated their head firmly attached to their shoulders.
On the right of Claudia, a girl smirked. Tanya just looked at her ten-year-old classmates like she was the queen of the world.
Positioned on the right, Beth yawned, looking at the audience in a bored manner. Nothing could excite her, no matter how many people looked at her in wonder. Instead, she just sat on the bench that was reserved for them.
A bench on the right side was always reserved for them. Some of the boys had the nerve to walk up to them and stutter a hello. Of course, the girls ignored them. Unless a logical reason for acknowledging a person’s existence remained, the three girls avoided commoners.
I hid behind a bush, watching the whole scene through my glasses. But I wasn’t worried about them. Sure they were mean, but they hadn’t threatened to smash my glasses – not like Jacob had. Hiding from Jacob could be harder than ever thought possible. Especially when he promised Liam would be there to smash my glasses into pieces.
A deep longing ran wild in my soul. I wanted to be those girls. To travel anywhere and have people frightened to approach me. To be safe, protected by the three girls who would defend me in any situation, regardless of whether I was right or not.
No bully would be able to chase after me. Jacob would worship me at my feet, instead of threatening to chase after me with a chainsaw for unknown reasons. I had never done anything to them. If I could be like the three confident girls, I wouldn’t be afraid of them anymore.
There would be no fear in being Coralie. People would gather around me, mumbling apologies for everything they had done. There would be chances to become who I want to be, not somebody they want. Freedom to be me, my geeky glasses included.
One of these days, I would be just like them.

♥ ⒶⓅⒸⒽ ♥

After scooping a load of ice cream into my bowl, I shovel a spoonful into my mouth.
Vanilla flavoured ice cream is a gift from heaven. In the fourteen years of my existence, I still haven’t figured out what other people see in the chocolate flavour. I sit in front of the computer, waiting for Alex to log onto chat.
Sure enough, he comes online.
Alex: What's up, Cora?
The way he never uses text-talk is an admirable quality. It doesn't take much effort to write "Hahaha" instead of "lol." How much I hate that overused word. Nowadays, people can’t be bothered to actually laugh. Instead, they “lol” away all of the humour.
In my opinion, the entire symbol looks like a drowning man –the “o” as the head and the “ls” are arms waving for help. I’m sure that man wouldn’t be laughing out loud.
Coralie: Nothing much. What are you doing?
The “typing now” symbol at the bottom corner flashes. I roll my eyes to myself, assuming he’s checking to make sure every letter is accurate. As if his slow typing isn’t painful enough. Sure, I make sure I type correctly as well, but I’m not that slow.
Sighing, I look around at my messy room, scratching my head in wonder.
How on Earth can I find something in this room? Pieces of clothing sprawl all over the floor like a bright, colourful carpet. Different shades of crayon markings are on the wall, because Leighton and I had drawn a picture of a rainbow when we were younger. Right now, my twin brother lives in Canada with my father.
I’m counting down the days until he visits Australia. He will stay for the month of December, before returning in January. Having divorced parents is hard, but when they live on two different continents, it’s impossible.
Rampaging through my clothes, I find what I'm looking for. There it is, my math assignment, buried under a mountain of unwashed clothes my mum doesn’t bother collecting. It's due tomorrow, so I better get a move on my project, because all I can see is a blank piece of paper. There are questions on it, but none of them have answers next to them.
Careful not to step on any sharp objects –and trust me, there's a lot of them– I make my way over to the computer desk.
Alex: Nothing much. Jacob and I are playing chess. He's taking too long to make a move.
Looking at the screen, I pretend that I'm not going to throw up. That horrible, disgusting name is too much for me to bear.
Alex: Oh sorry. You don't like him, do you?
And we have a winner.
Cora: Nope. Not at all. Do you remember what he did to me?
Alex: How can I forget? You remind me every single day.
Although I can’t see him doing it, I know that he cleared the chat history, just in case Jacob sees what I’m writing. The last thing Alex needs is two of his friends fighting, even though that’s pretty much what’s been happening our whole lives.
Jacob finds my weakness, discovering my low-esteem and uses it against me. Knowing the tiniest comment about my braces can send me to tears is an unfair advantage. He's got it. A detail he handed over to Liam Yvonne, who made sure I never found peace.
Grimacing, I pick up the sheet of blank paper, on which I’m to do all my equations.
Alex will take a long time to respond. Perhaps a couple of hours, if not days, to type one word. My perfection-craving friend can’t be more different from me, although we’ve been friends since pre-school.
Long story short, he let me borrow his green crayon and it was friendship at first sight.
Looking at the math equation on my page, I pretend that I’m not going to faint. But even the piece of paper can’t be fooled. The problems all line up, and when I try to look at them from an average human’s perspective, they jumble together. Like the minced meat Leighton threw up on me last Christmas.
Question One: If one side of a triangle is equal to 40o and the other is equivalent to 90 o find x.
It takes a long time for me to realise what the question means. I can’t believe there isn’t a diagram to help me visualise what I’m trying to work out.
“What are you saying, Coralie?” asks the voice of reason in disgust. “You used to be the best mathematician in third grade, do you remember?”
“Yes, I remember,” I say aloud, hoping Mum isn’t around to question my sanity. “But I just don’t have the time to study anymore.”
“Too busy with those friends, shopping and making a big deal of small things?”
I stop replying to myself for two reasons.
A. Mum’s going to come to my room in a second, and start up her yoga CD on the DVD player in my room. The last thing I need is for her to convince me into meditation, saying it will improve my mental health.
B. The voice is right, even though I don’t want to admit it. Why did Liam Yvonne have to enter my life and ruin it for all of me? If he didn’t threaten to flush my head down the toilet, I would’ve never tried to be “popular,” thinking a reputation would defend me.
Biting my pencil, I’m suddenly glad that Leighton isn’t here to tell me off for my bad habits. Chew marks cover the pencil like fur covers a poodle.
My green eyes grow wide as the computer beeps, indicating Alex has sent me a message on chat. This is quickest he has ever replied. Maybe he finally took my advice and learned how to touch-type?
Alex: *sighs* Ur unbeleivable.
Cora: Ha! You have a spelling mistake. You switched the "e" and the "i" around.
Then it strikes me. Alex Russel doesn't have spelling mistakes. He never did and I’m sure he never will. No, a straight-A student in both English and Science cannot have silly errors like that. It's almost like a whole different person chatting to me right–
Alex: Ur such a grammar nerd, freckle face.
There's only one person who calls me that.
Cora: Jacob, what on Earth are you doing? Give it back to Alex!
My heart starts beating at an abnormal rate. He read the entire chat log, and he will get his revenge on me for talking behind his back. Even though I have friends to protect me from his clutches, I still feel uncomfortable. For all I know, they might not come to my defence when they’re needed.
Then I realise, Alex must’ve deleted the chat log for sure. So why am I worrying so much? Maybe it’s because he might not have?
Alex: Gone 2 get a shower. Why r u talking 2 me? Nbdy says u hav 2 relpy.
Oh, curse the horrible mockery of English language. How can people type like that? Don't they know that my eyes cross when trying to find out what they're saying? Sometimes, it feels like I'm alone with all my reasoning.
Finally, after what seems like hours, I figure out what Jacob truly meant: Gone to get a shower. Why are you talking to me? Nobody says you have to reply.
Hey, if you don’t want me to reply, don’t start a conversation. But, I don’t type it up, because that will be the start of World War III.
Alex is requesting a video chat.
The last thing I need is to see Jacob's horrible face. With the click of a button, I decline the invitation. Looking up, I can see my reflection on the gold-framed mirror sitting on the computer table. I place it under my bed to avoid seeing a reflection of Frankenstein's wife.
Alex is requesting a video chat.
Don’t you ever get sick of annoying me? Ha, I’ll accept it. That’ll show him. Clicking on the "accept" button, I see Alex's pale face, and it’s obvious he doesn’t look too happy. Irritated maybe.
"Cora, why couldn't you accept it already?" He rolls his light-brown eyes. "It's not that hard, you know."
Of course Alex comes out of the shower as soon as he can. One second of staying clean must seem like a horrible crime to him. Wrinkling my nose, I wonder
"Jacob was on the computer while you were gone."
Again, Alex rolls his eyes. If my auntie came to this house on the verge of tears, informing us that her cat died from food poisoning, I can always count on an eye-roll from him.
Alex tightens his lips in one straight line, as his voice drops in volume. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but since you hate him so much, you should’ve told him to get lost."
From behind, I can hear an, "I heard that!” which automatically sets a smile to my lips.
"Is he still trying to beat you?"
"Trying, but failing."
At that moment, Alex turns his head of spiky blond hair to face his best friend and my worst enemy. “Checkmate. I win." He smirks at a scowling Jacob.
He's starts to turn around, but halfway through, Jacob's voice interrupts him. "Hey, Alex, come here. I need to talk to you in private." Jacob’s gray eyes catch mine through the webcam, but he looks away before I can pull a face to display my mature side.
Together, the boys begin to discuss things, making sure I’m not involved. It gives my stomach butterflies, because I know that it's something to do with me. Why does Alex always put me in awkward positions? First, he invites Jacob over, and now they’re talking about me like I’m not there.
"Hey, Cora, Jake’s wondering if you'd like to go out with him."

Hey! Here to review!

I'm going to start by reviewing the first part (when they are ten).

Okay, so when I read the first paragraph I thought, this story is in high-school, right?. I was asstounded to find out that they are really ten years old. Now, this struck me because, in all honesty, what ten year old stand with perfect posture, perfect hair and is awwed at by others? This sounds very high-school ish in my opinion.
Alright, I do this myself, but I think that you're doing too much telling and not enough showing. So, to improve on this you could use dialogue. I didn't see much dialogue in the first part, I mean the way that these 'popular' girls talk would definately show a lot about their characters and that way you wouldn't have to explain it. You could also you sensory language, no not swears , but using the five senses to help you explain things. Right now, you're just using sight most of the time, try the other four! Lastly, be descriptive and be specific!

Jacob would worship me at my feet, instead of threatening to chase after me with a chainsaw for unknown reasons.

I've bolded the word chainsaw because I really don't hink it fits in this situation. I mean, they're ten! I know that jacob would never chase after a girl with a chainsaw, but still, try using some more appropriate language for ther age?

Now, onto the fourteen year old part, which I've noticed that you've changed tenses.

In my opinion, the entire symbol looks like a drowning man –the “o” as the head and the “ls” are arms waving for help. I’m sure that man wouldn’t be laughing out loud.

I don't think that you should've put this here. Or at least, I don't hink you should've used it here, I think it would've worked better in dialogue perhaps (?)

Sighing, I look around at my messy room, scratching my head in wonder.

I think you should get rid of this bit because in the next paragraph you explain the messy room so the readers can realise from that that the room is messy if you see what I mean. So, this is another show don't tell mistake. Don't worry, though

Different shades of crayon markings are on the wall, because Leighton and I had drawn a picture of a rainbow when we were younger. Right now, my twin brother lives in Canada with my father.

Could you explain that Leighton is your twin brother first? I still don't know for sure if he is and it's a bit hard to understand. I like how you've explained why they are separated (in the next paragraph) in a not so obvious way. Well done!

Rampaging through my clothes, I find what I'm looking for. There it is, my math assignment, buried under a mountain of unwashed clothes my mum doesn’t bother collecting.

Try using another word for clothes in the second time because it doesn't flow very well when the same word is used more than once in a short space.

Careful not to step on any sharp objects –and trust me, there's a lot of them

This seems more like a thought and therefore could be put in quotation marks.

Question One: If one side of a triangle is equal to 40o and the other is equivalent to 90 o find x.

This should be in italices or something.

Hey, if you don’t want me to reply, don’t start a conversation

Again, thoughts in italics.

Overall, I did enjoy reading this. I think you have a nice plot unfolding and it was interesting to read. You've varied your sentences and the way you start them a lot and I hope there is more to read. I think that too improve you need to make sure that you're showing and not telling. Also, during this whole IM conversation between Alex and Cora, you need to put what Alex is saying and what Cora is saying in italics. No, not because I think italics look cool, but because it just doesn't fit if you don't. Alright, so personally I think that if Jacob hated Cora so much in Elementary School, then surely by now, four years on, he is mature enough to let it go and just move on? And now that he wants to go out with her, I genuinly hope that it's not some stupid trick but he's actually moved past hating her. Another thing is this whole idea of a 'geek glasses girl' trying to figth her way up to make it as a popular is really cliche. I've read three stories like this on YWS already and there are far more out there. Now, this isn't a bad hing, but I hope you make it different in order to make it original. Generally, it's a good story, so PM me with the next part!

~Tamara
smt001 x

p.s. Excuse any typos, I don't have spell check and also if you have any questions about this review feel free to write a message on my wall or PM me-whatever works for you!

Hey! Welcome to YWS, WhyteRose. I like the attached cover art at the bottom of the piece, by the way. Anyway, this will just be a general review, because Inbetweener covered some of the grammatical points above. Oh, and I didn't see the ending coming at all, which is a good thing in this case.

I was slightly confused about the relationship between Alex and Jacob. I know you mention that they're friends, but it seems like they're brothers here, especially since Alex appears almost exasperated by Cora's hatred of him. How does he manage to be friends with both of them, if she hates him so much, and especially when he knows what Jacob's like? That's probably why I assumed they were brothers initially.

I'm in two minds about the section with the IM chat. I agree with Inbetweener that it should be in italics, simply for easy reading and as they said, so it looks right. However, Cora's laments about the English language are slightly irritating, especially when she fails to read the chatspeak, even though it's barely modified from ordinary English. We're all writers, and I suppose there's an in-built grammar Nazi status, but Cora's initial attempts to correct Alex's spelling seem kind of immature.

That's actually another one of my points. In the beginning, it's difficult to tell that they're only ten years old. Cora's jealousy of the popular clique is realistic, as is her fear of bullying, but the exultation of the populars is a bit much for primary (elementary) school. Then we move to present day, and suddenly she seems quite immature. Even Jacob's name is "horrible" and "disgusting", and too much for her to bear? What about when she meets other people named Jacob? It's just over the top. Equally, Jacob calls her "freckle face" and she reacts like it's a well-known insult. I think it actually sets up his asking her out quite well, because it's really not a huge insult, but like Inbetweener, I find it odd that he hasn't moved on from his obsession with tormenting her over the last few years. People change a lot between the ages of ten and fourteen.

I was slightly confused about the relationship between Alex and Cora. It seems like he's ignoring her through most of the IM conversation, because he takes so long to reply, which in turn makes her seem needy and as if her moaning about typing speed is just an excuse. He is unsympathetic to her hatred of Jacob, which suggests, again, that the bullying isn't as bad as she makes it out to be; in which case, is it worrying that she's so fixated on him and vice versa? I can't tell, and the brief allusion to Cora's mental state doesn't help much. In short, I'm not sure what relationships you're trying to establish in this chapter.

I think the best remedy for that will be time. I don't know if you've finished writing this yet, but when you have, when you know your characters better, come back to this and tweak the dialogue and narrative to give the impressions you intend. You might find it easier then. Alternatively, you might have intended Cora and Jacob's relationship to come about because of a mutual inability to leave the past behind them; in that case, make Alex's reaction definitely unsympathetic. It's just a case of clarity. Other than that, I think you have a great beginning here.

- Jet.