The Times We Spent Together....

Hey To all those who read this..... This poem was written.....again as a remembrance and thanks to my two bestest best friends....We had long time together now I am somewhere else and there somewhere else.... I will Always love them.... If you like the poem please comment upon it...And i'll keep my Fingers Crossed!!!!


Remember the times we spent together,
All the golden moments we had with each other.

School had been forever a fun,
Often we had together paw-bhaji and bun.

You had a smile that reached up to your ears,
It appears whenever something funny we hear.

Laughing and giggling, sharing and caring,
Even when our teacher kept on nagging.

Going to the canteen for samosa and coke,
Having fun by giving all friends a poke.

Sitting in the class whispering and chatting,
While playing cricket fighting over first batting.

Going for algae fishing to the big pond,
Doing the things of which both of us were fond.

Turning around in class and watching the Gurudwara,
But mow I can’t see it even when I go to Pykara.

When we had a free period we ran to an empty class,
Playing Hollywood/Bollywood had always been a blast.

Having paranthas during the lunch,
Or chips which broke the crunch.

During the evenings we always played baddy,
On the way home we saw a farmer fertilizing paddy.

Now when I go to Pykara for Para-gliding,
I can’t see you even when I go for horse ridding.

It was even more when we went to Wonder Land,
When I slipped and fell down, for getting up you gave me a hand.

I know you’re not here standing beside,
But for giving me support, you are always by my side.

Keep the memories we’ve made together, and never let them sway,
Distances are only physical, mentally I’m never away.

This poem could use some work, the words could use a bit more flow. Some words I do not know what they even meant, you might want to explain at the top. In a line mow is supposed to be now. Though I do not know who you are,this poem gave me a good impression of the times you and your friends spent. Author connection with readers is very important and you have displayed that. Almost every one can relate(except hermits) in what you are going threw.
That is all, CardDragon.

Hey Harshita! I'm here to review.

First off, welcome to YWS! I see you're still relatively new here. So yeah, welcome!

Back to your poem. I think it could use a bit of work, but really only in one area: The rhyming. It's really forced, and at times close to not making sense. You stretch the context of the poem a bit far in order to achieve a rhyme that really isn't taking your poem anywhere. In fact, the forced rhyme is bringing you down.

This really is the bane of all new poets, at least as I see it. Many don't really realize that you don't have to rhyme in order to make poetry--in fact, some of the best poetry has no rhyme at all. My suggestion would be to not worry about rhyming and instead focus on the message you're trying to portray (in this case an old friendship) and if it doesn't rhyme, then who cares? As long as you have a clear message and a smooth flow, you don't even need it.

Other than that, though, you have a nice poem. The subject is one I think many people can relate or sympathize with, and that, I think, is your biggest asset right now.

I can help you with this more if you ever want. Just let me know!

-Knightley

This is a good poem. I like your short 2-sentance verses, but maybe that could be worked upon.
You've captured the good times in this piece and you've obviously put a fair bit of effort into this piece of work.
It is a very bright and touching tribute piece to what seemed like the time of your lives. The using of feelings deep within to write something as lovely as this is a good skill to have when it comes to writing. You manage to put inner feelings to paper pretty well, and you could go far with this. But, again, this still needs a bit of work.

You are heading on the right track, so don't stop and divert to another path. The only place you can go now is up, so just stick at it.
Thanks for the piece. It was something special, just like I imagine you intended it to be.