A Journey - Part 1: Memory ~~(Chapter 1)~~

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It started when the lord of the land opened the red curtains and let light sweep into the room. The liquid sunlight descended like a cavalry charge from the window—a column of radiant rays—then was flanked by darkness. Battle erupted. Voices screamed. The light and the darkness fought brutal and bloody, neither letting go of a step of ground without fighting with everything they had. Plump blurs of black, formally known as shadows, were the light's targets, though the shadows' minions—the lesser darkness—were sent ahead to stop the light. Then a stale mate was formed at the window. The light could not advance, nor would it retreat its ground. This battle between forces was seen by the common, giant observers as a mundane beam that stretched from the window to the ground. The task of lighting the entire room was of course impossible, yet the light tried to vanquish the shadows still.

To each side of the window, the curtains—normally guarding against the light—were withdrawn. They permitted the light into the room—betraying the darkness.

“Enough! I can't stand this talk of tedious battle and betrayal! What of flanking enemy!? Nothing! You're boring me to a slow, torturous death. Send your rubbish to the commanders.”

“Pardon, sir? Excuse my shrewdness, but I haven't said anything yet.”

“Hm? You haven't? What are you talking about?”

“I just got here. I haven't said anything, your Excellence.”

“Well, weren't you talking... just now? You were saying how the cavalry were attacking, and those others—the
guard—had laid down their arms to let the rebels through.”

“No, I didn't say anything like that.”

“Surely, I'm not hearing things?”

“I do not know that, your Greatness. I only know that I did not say such things as you say I did.”

He sighed. “Very well. Well, what do you want then?”

“I apologize for the confusion, my Lord. Though actually, I am here to talk about the rebels, I just haven't talked about them yet.”

“Am I having visions of the future then?”

“I don't know, but what you said about flanking and such doesn't fit the description of the news I bring.”

“Then it was no more than hallucinations, yes?”

“If you say so, my Lord.”

The well-dressed lord sat down in his chair and a mucky shadow was thrown across his face by the sunlight falling on his hair. He was an important man. The most important man. He was Alexander-Julius.

Across Alexander-Julius's desk, the armour-clad general put a fist to his chest in salute. His light skin stood out starkly against his black armour. The silky black hair of this man disgusted the lord, though Alexander-Julius wasn't going to kill him on the spot, as he did the others. This man was of some little use.

“Nayfonn,” he said in a harsh tone, “Did your hair get blacker since I last saw you?”

“No, sir. It is but the same shade as yesterday, the day before, and as the day you last saw me.”

“Do you dare lie to me?! Is it your wish to die as the other trozals!”

“I'm sorry. I did not lie, nor did I mean to offend you, Lord.”

“Is it so?”

“Yes, Lord.”

“Are you sure thy trozal nature don't drive thee to evil? Lies and treachery?”

“Not such, Lord, for I am not a trozal.”

“Pardon?” Alexander-Julius said lightly, astounded apparently

“I'm not a trozal, your Lordship.”

He leaned forward in his velvet set. “I was afraid you had said that, for it was not a second ago that you did assure me that no lies spread from your tongue. But here you tell me thou art not a trozal.” He burst out with maddened rage, “You lie so crudely! You stink of dishonesty! You are what I say you are! No more! No less! Know your place, filthy cretin upon the land! You of a false soul! Worthless dog of black and slavery!” He slammed his hands against the desk. Both men were still while the tension in the room reached its peck. Finally, Alexander-Julius released the tension by leaning back in his chair, and a loud creak could be heard. “I say you are a trozal, so you are, and will not question otherwise. Now, do you know your place?”

“Yes, my Lord.”

The big man humoured his underling, “Really? What is your place, Nayfonn?”

“A trozal, sir?”

“And...” He waved his hand in a circular motion.

“To do your bidding?”

“It is not I...”

“The bidding of the Moon Titan great; the Eternal Lord in the Sky.” Nayfonn added with excitement.

“Good enough.” Alexander-Julius cleared his throat of a small piece of decency, “But it took you quite some time. Although, I can't say I expected anything more from such a useless trozal.”

Alexander-Julius opened a drawer down by his knee and fetched a red fruit that resembled a giant raisin. It was a bit soft, with thick fur and an unmistakable, revolting smell. He took a disgusting bit of the fruit and an overwhelming odour could be smelt from as far as outside the room. It was something like sour goat milk with pure cinnamon. “Now,” he said as he obnoxiously chewed on the orange-yellow insides of the fruit. He swallowed, but his voice was just as obnoxious, “What do you enter my chamber for?”

Nayfonn closed his eyes and took a breath out of restraint. “Lord Alexander-Julius, the rebels are on their way here. They're armed.”

He replied with offended anger. “Send the guard to stop them. Are you dumb? Why inform me of such a problem if you can solve it yourself?”

The general hesitated before responding, “Pardon my audacity Lord, but many of the guard have brothers and fathers among the rebel force. Is it wise to send them to kill their kin?”

Elbows leaned on his desk, Alexander-Julius twinned his fingers into one another idly. His comforting diction toward Nayfonn was explicitly sarcastic, “Now Nayfonn, I know it's difficult for you to understand how important this is and I know that your evil nature can be overwhelming sometimes, but the guard will stop their brothers and fathers. Kill them. Maim them. What have you. I don't care. But I will tell you now, If any man of mine is faint at their sword from this whole thing, you must get rid of them. There is no place in my army for men like that. And, if you can't, then get your lieutenant to do it. What was his name?—Violen?—I can't remember.” He took another juicy bite of the red fruit, the liquid of the fruit dribbled down to his chin. “But the point is, I have put you where you are. A commander. I have given you opportunities that even Segi dream of. I look after you, even though you are a trozal, because I know that without me, you'd be nothing.”

“But, Master—”

The lord interrupted when he let out an annoyed sigh, then rubbed his forehead with two fingers. “I suppose I should be quite cross that you would be so leery in your boldness and impudence to disrespect me. But, alas general! I have a heart of flesh. What am I ever to do?”

“Surely we do not need execute those weak of heart amoung the guard?” He searched his mind for a better alternitive. “We could send to the dungeon, my Lord!”

Alexander-Julius laughed a little then asked with a smile, “Nayfonn, do you value your life?”

The general tried to join in the smile. “Of course, your excellence.”

The smile fell off Alexander-Julius's face in a hurry when he said, “Then do as I say or your head will be a trophy 'bove my door.”

The general resolved himself. “Yes, my Lord.”

“It is a sad reality that friends and siblings of all sorts will be pinned on one another. All in order protect the wise rule of yours truly.” He stopped himself from continuing, before he forgot who was likely to be listening. He laughed nervously, “And to preserve the teachings of the Titan, of course. But we must prevent the rebels' success, for they will rule with barbarity and the Master of Masters—the Moon Titan—shall be greatly galled.

The vague feeling of events repeating themselves was in the morning air as Alexander-Julius continued, “Sir General, when Ganar Tode—our previous ruler—fell, we saw a similar conflict. Having to fight our fellow brothers and fathers who refuse to put down their weapons is nothing new. Yet, we succeed in overthrowing Ganar Tode, and look where we are know.” He gave Nayfonn a moment to “look,” as he had put it. “Now I'm top, pulling the strings. So, don't you complain to me about the guards' problems.”

“Indeed, Lord.”

The general turned to leave.

“You are not dismissed, trozal Nayfonn,” Alexander-Julius said in a voice disapproving.

“Lord?”

“I have yet to dismiss you. Do not make such a mistake again or your life will lose what little importance I do grace upon it.”

“Yes, your Lordship.”

“Now, please inform the magicians that they must help significantly in this battle or they will not be of any use to me in future endeavours. Of course, that means I will have to replace them and their lives will be forfeit, but it is my duty as ruler of Siltier to make sure nothing gets in the way of success. You will them this?”

“I will tell them.”

“Every word?”

“Yes, my Lord.”

“Good.”

The general shifted the slightest to the door and Alexander-Julius shot him a look that froze him in his place. “Do not be so eager, Nayfonn. Two more things: it is by my good grace that you live, for you are nothing more than a black-headed, heartless demon who has some little use to the Moon Titan.

“Yes, my Lord.”

“Further more, if you are true in battle and survive, by the Titan's blessings, you to immediately report back here. I have special work that needs to be done. And be watchful that your greedy trozal soul is not fed to flame by this battle, Nayfonn.”

“Your will is the word and as good as done, my Lord.”

“Good.”

Alexander-Julius went back to his papers while the general stood waiting for a last word of permission.

After a few second of writing, Alexander-Julius realized the general's presence. “Oh, you're still here. Dismissed.”

“Yes, Lord.”
Last edited by MoonTitanZan on Sat Jan 29, 2011 10:04 pm, edited 8 times in total.
The Moon Titan is watching. He's always watching. So watch what you say, or you might just disappear.




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I have to say, this is a wonderful start to a story. From the imagery of the outside light fighting the dimly lit room, to the contrasts between the pale skinned general in black armor and the shadow falling over the face of the gloriously dressed Lord, you have captured obvious conflicts in so few words. You have done so without the piece becoming mundane or tedious to read. The dialog is well expounded upon and carried through by the narration.

Both Alexander-Julius, and the "trozal Nayfonn" are very believable and interesting characters. Alexander-Julius immediately brings connotations of the decadance and paranoia of one of the most well known ancient empires, that of ancient Rome. You've taken two of the most well known and successful names from the height of ancient Rome's conquest, and I think you've fit Alexander-Julius to his name quite well.

I am no expert on ancient history, but Nayfonn also seems to fit with some of the more common names from nations that ancient Rome conquered. The label Alexander-Julius uses to demonize Nayfonn and others, "trozal", also goes along with overall atmosphere you've set up.

That said, I already hate Alexander-Julius, yet I am bemused at the the realistic irony of how he portrays himself. He starts with a sudden, paranoid outburst:

“Enough! I can't stand this talk of tedious battle and betrayal! What of flanking enemy!? Nothing! You're boring me to a slow, torturous death. Send your rubbish to the commanders.”


His words are not unlike the ramblings of a crazy man. This is immediately met by a bewildered, second voice speaking in a formal and well mannered tone.

“Pardon, sir? Excuse my shrewdness, but I haven't said anything yet.”


As the piece progresses, the paranoid voice comes to fit well with the pompous character of Alexander-Julius: the most important man. I do love how you did not explictly state what he is the most important man of. Alexander-Julius needs no assistance to display his insecurity. ;)

In contrast, Nayfonn is nothing but eloquently spoken. He is even "so bold" to voice his concerns to the face of his irritable and treatening Lord. He seems like a person who has been able to swallow pride in order to survive, yet he does not stand down on the things most precious to him.

The general hesitated before responding, “Pardon my audacity Lord, but allot of the guard have brothers and fathers among the rebel force. Is it wise to send them on their kin?”


He hesitated, but he was still able to express his genuine concerns. Despite having already stirred up the wrath of the powerful man before him, despite having recieved several direct threats from the insecure ruler before him, and despite being belittled by the irritable Lord before him, Nayfonn is still able to speak his mind.

Before I continue, I should note something while it has my attention. In the most recent line that I quoted above, "allot" should be a lot. You can have a lot of people, despite the fact that you unfairly allot resources amongst them. ;)

I can tell Nayfonn is more frustrated and irritated than anything else, and rightfully so. A Lord calls his general's visit pointless, yet he elongates the very same pointless meeting to impose confusing, contradictory, and pointless rules upon said general.

The general shifted the slightest to the door again and Alexander-Julius shot him a look that froze him in his place. “Do not be so eager, Nayfonn. Two more things: it is by my good grace that you live, for you are nothing more than a black-headed, heartless, malicious demon who has some little use to the Moon Titan.

“Yes, my Lord.”

“Further more, if you are true in battle, and survive this putting away of the rebels by the Titan's blessings, you are to immediately report back here, for I have special work that needs to be done. Be watchful that your greedy trozal soul isn't fed to flame by this, Nayfonn.”

“Your will is the word and as good as done, my Lord”

Alexander-Julius went back to his papers while the general stood waiting for a last word of permission.

After a few second of writing, Alexander-Julius noticed the general's presence and waved him away, irritated. “Dismissed.”

“Yes, Lord.”


It is not clear what a proper dismissal is, and Alexander-Julius makes sure that he can never be pleased by anyone.

On the following two paragraphs:

“It is a sad reality that friends and siblings of all sorts will be pinned on one another. All in order protect the wise rule of yours truly; and to preserve the teachings of the Titan, of course. But we must prevent the rebels' success, for they will rule with barbarity and the Master of Masters shall be greatly galled—something we do not want.

“Sir General, when Ganar Tode fell, we saw a similar conflict. Having to fighting our fellow brothers and fathers who refused to put down their weapons. Yet, you and I know that the battle to overthrow Ganar Tode's tyranny was of unparalleled success; and now I am at the top. Pulling the strings. We shall see it again—and this day in fact—though this time we know who is right and who is wrong.”


I take it that you seperated them as such, since it is a lengthy bit of spoken dialog? For things like this, you need to break them up with at least short pieces of narration so that it is clear who is speaking. Not only that, but it allows your readers to "digest" what they've read. This isn't to mention that it brings your characters to life like nothing else.

I think you did a good job, overall, at keeping the speakers clear; however, some of your lengthier bits of dialog would benefit from more descriptors and transitions within dialog exchanges.

Elbows leaned on his desk, Alexander-Julius twinned his fingers into one another idly. “Not only will I send them on their kin, but any man of mine faint at their sword at the idea is to be themselves put away. Or rather, killed. Of course this will be made sure by your hand, and that lieutenant can help to—Violen, was it?—he can help. I should be quite cross that you would be so leery in your boldness and impudence to ask such a question as you did. But, alas good General! I have a heart of flesh. What am I to do?”


This reads awkwardly and feels like a long run-on sentence. Keep in mind that your readers cannot see the imagery in your head; be sure to never forget the challenges you face in writing literature. If a character has a short pause mid thought/sentence, break the dialog up with something that carries the inflections of the character you imagine in your own mind:

"I will not tolerate your insolence!" King decried, quickly collecting his composure before continuing, "Please, do not try my patience..."

There is also a good line from the preceding quote to "pick on":

"Not only will I send them on their kin, but any man of mine faint at their sword at the idea is to be themselves put away...


When there are far too many modifiers, dangling or otherwise, sentences like this are a mouthful to read. There are quite a few problems with grammar in this line, so let's break it down.

Firstly, "Not only will I" is a suboridnate clause. Another term for a subordinate clause, is a dependent clause. These are so named because they contain subject-verb relationships, yet they depend on information contained in the independent clause to complete a thought.

Here the subject is the pronoun "I" and the action is the helping verb "will", and altogether it depends on describing something not within it's own clause.

Next, "send them on their kin" is a phrase. A phrase lacks a subject-verb relationship in of itself. Note the contrast here; a clause must contain one subject-verb relationship. Both dependant phrases and clauses must, at some point, serve as clear modifiers for an independant clause.

In this case of this phrase, it serves as an adverb. It expounds on what the subject "I" "will" do from the preceeding, dependant clause.

Gramatically speaking, if you can omit a clause or phrase without destroying the integrity of a complete thought, said clause or phrase is dependant. They make up what we more commonly call modifiers, since they modify a complete, stand alone thought.

This first part, which is altogether a dependant clause, is combined with the following:

"any man of mine faint at their sword at the idea is to be themselves put away"

by using a comma followed by a conjunction. Remember, when you seperate parts of a sentence with a comma + conjunction (common ones being: and, but, or, so, thus, for), both sides of the conjunction must be able to stand as full sentences on their own. In other words, both sides of the comma + conjunction must contain an independant clause.

Neither side of this sentence contains an independant clause. What you have unwittedly done is comma spliced two dependant clauses. As a result, these dependant clauses contain many dangling modifiers:

"send them"
"on their kin"
"any man of mine"
"faint at their sword"
"at the idea"
"is to be"
"themselves put away"

It's hard to pinpoint any actual relationship between all the dependant clauses and phrases. I gather that you intended to use faint as an adjective, but it is hard to tell if it's a verb, an adjective, or part of another modifier.

I would guess that the intended subject here would be "I" (reffering to the speaker) and that "put" would be the intended verb to hold a subject-verb relationship with "I". In turn, "will", "is", and "be" are intended to act as helping verbs for "put". Even so, this line requires a large amount of editing to make any guessed subject-verb relationship valid.

I understand the style of wording is used to fit a character. But if you are not careful, you can confuse tone and even lose all of your intended meaning for the reader. Think about how a real life version of your character would act in terms of their body language and tone of voice, just as much as they do with their words. Use feedback from many others, and then determine if your words are actually capturing the type of character you have in mind.

I don't know about yourself, but for me, melding narration and transitions inbetween exchanges of dialog is one of the most tedious and difficult parts to master. Otherwise, this is an impressive start of something that has actually left me anticipating more. You have an excellent handle on some of the more abstract literary concepts (like imagery and symbolism), and you have shown your ability to come up with interesting and believable characters. Keep up the hard work, and I don't doubt you can make something great out of this.
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Hey there! AllyGrLxOx here to review!

I'll begin by saying that this was very well written and truly was able to hold my interest throughout the whole passage!
However I was a tad confused with the first paragraphs transition into the rest of the story. Once I continued to read I understood mostly what was going on, but I'd reccomend making that transition smoother.

Your character development so far is great! Both Alexander-Julius and Nayfonn have distinct vocies and their personalities are coming along well! :)

I have a couple of nitpicks I'm going to share with you.

He was an important man. The most important man. He was Alexander-Julius

I detest short and choppy sentences, and you have a couple throughout this piece. This sentence is a prime example! All thre of those "sentences" can be combined into one longer and jucier sentence! Such as; He was the lord of all lords, the most important man, Alexander-Julius. Or something similiar to that.

The silky black hair of this man disgusted the lord, though Alexander-Julius wasn't going to kill him on the spot, as he did the others. This man was of some little use.

“Nayfonn,” he said in a harsh tone, “Did your hair get blacker since I last saw you?”

I'm a fan of details the more the better in my opinion! Within this sentence you've provided yourself an oportunity to describe away...TAKE IT! :D
You're opportunity lies with the mans hair and it's blackness, describe it! Is it greasy? Show the reader the way the grease and sweat trickle down the mans back creating a pool of presperation... Be imaginative!

Hmm, since it's review Sunday I'm off to do some more reviews. If you'd like me to give you a more indepth review feel free to PM me and let me know. Or simply leave the link in my "Will Review for Food" thread.

Keep up the good work your novel is on a glorious path! :D

-Ally
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gives a good idea about rebellions in the past, while reading it an image of the French revolution popped up into my mind, i love the idea that the leader of the guards or whatever it was, didnt quite get it, was seen as going mad yet they still listened to him and his orders! great job writing it!
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