Iris Carter- Ch. 1 and Ch. 2

Hi! If you haven't read the prologue, you might want to in order to understand these two chapters. Tear it apart, and have fun with it! XD

Chapter One: Homecoming from Hell
Fear makes strangers of people that would be friends. -Shirley MacLaine

There was that face. It was so familiar. I knew it somehow.
How was it possible? After all these years, and there she was standing before me.
Her dark gray eyes looked the same, and the intense black hair still caught the light like it used to. It was longer now, and she had it cut in a ragged style, but I could have told it apart from a crowd of a million dark headed people.
She wore a seemly clunky pair of combat boots, but when she moved, it was the grace known only to the lethal. I wondered where she learned to walk like that. That was a skill I sure could have used.
I surveyed her black leather jacket, and gray skinny jeans with jealously, but resisted the urge to run over and simply steal them. There was no way I could approach this meeting with a comment as nonchalant as, “I like your jeans.”
So I trotted forward, pushing people out of my way as my heels clicked the ground. My mom had let me wear an old pair of hers since this was a special event.
“Hey!” My boyfriend exclaimed as I disengaged myself from his hand and slid around bodies, losing him in the midst of the tightly packed people. She was gliding away, somehow parting the crowd like the Red Sea.
I followed her outside the huge double glass doors, shivering in the sudden absence of the pounding music, and the chilly October air. She was no where in sight, but I figured she was probably getting in a car, so I began to walk down the sidewalk, searching for any signs of life.
Finally, I had to make the decision to go back inside. I reasoned that I’d imagined the whole thing. There was no way she would come to something as meager as a high school homecoming. She would have no reason to show up.
Maybe she came to find you, the always hopefully voice in the back of my head piped up. I shoved the voice down and gagged it, unwilling to admit I still missed her.
I’d just turned around and started walking back when a car roared to life in the parking lot somewhere.
The sound caused me to jump, and I nearly slipped on the grimy cement. My shoes squeaked out their fear, and I wrapped my arms around myself. It was pitch black outside, and I could see headlights suddenly lighting.
With a sense of stupid curiosity, I stepped off the sidewalk and onto the asphalt. I took several cautious steps towards the noise of the motor, not sure where I should be heading.
It was extremely creepy being alone outside. No one would hear me scream over the sound of the pulsing beat, and the darkness would cloak any possible deeds. I looked over my shoulder a few times, and then decided to continue on through the parking lot.
The lamp next to me flickered a few times, then went out. I stared up at it with a feeling of apprehension growing in my gut.
Then, from behind me came the sound of gravel popping beneath tires. I spun to see a truck inching along the pavement facing me. When the driver realized I’d caught them, the tires squealed as they slammed on the accelerator.
I screamed as the rusty blue truck sped across the asphalt, straight towards me.
Without even thinking about what I was doing, I ducked and rolled out of the way. The tires of the vehicle spewed gravel all over me, and I winced as skin tore off my shoulder and onto the pavement.
I remember thinking how huge the truck looked from where I lay. My heart beat fast as I stood up, not sure what to expect. The person in the truck was mad, insane, totally and completely out of their mind to try to run me over.
Then he window rolled down, and without looking at me, the girl within spoke two words that changed my life forever.
“Get in.”

Chapter Two- Imminent Death

All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams. -Elias Canetti

I couldn’t decide whether to take her offer or not. On one hand, she was probably escaping from an asylum, or jail, but on the other… She was Sam.
She sighed impatiently, and I deliberated for a second longer before popping the rusted door open and plopping down in the passenger’s seat. It took another moment for me to shut the door, but then tires squealed on pavement and we were off.
I couldn’t see her face as she focused on the road, but her speed was enough to make me nervous.
“Hey… I know I got in the car with you and all… but I have to be back at the dance by eleven else my moms gonna freak.”
She didn’t answer at first, but then muttered, “You’ll be back by then.”
Headlights from the oncoming cars shone across our faces, and I shifted anxiously. The air seemed stifling and I resisted the urge to roll my window down.
She accelerated slightly as she used her peripheral vision to look me over. Normally people would have been offended by the way she was doing it, but I didn’t mind. This wasn’t a typical situation.
“Iris… Do you remember at all our last conversation?” She said with out preamble.
“You expect me to remember something from 7 years ago?” I said, try to be nonchalant. The fact was that yes, I did, but I didn’t want her know how much she’d affected my life.
“Well… I-I… I mean…” She stammered, suddenly not sure of herself.
She fiddled with her seatbelt as she tried to regain her composure, kneading it around in her fingers. Her nails were painted black, and the motion was a blur of mixing grays.
The wheels hugged the side of the road as we entered the freeway. She still hadn’t spoken, but I knew it was coming. The topic of our goodbye so long ago hung heavy on my mind, and I shied away from it. That was a pain filled subject.
Finally I couldn’t stand the awkwardness, “Yeah. I remember.”
“You… You do?” She asked.
I cleared my throat as I forced the words out, “You told me that you never wanted to see me again.”
“I did want to see you. But I couldn’t. Because they told me if I stayed, you would die,” her knuckles gripped the steering wheel so hard they turned white.
“Sam, who would have killed me? Seriously, I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but I don’t think they understand where we live. Or well, where I live. It’s the smallest town ever. There is no way someone or something could have killed me there. Unless it was an accident, and I like walked into a train or something.”
“No, I think it’s you who doesn’t understand Iris. Put this into perspective for a second. You could die any minute, any hour. But with me around, the chances of that happening go way up. You’re pretty much guaranteed to be decapitated in the first day. So you get it now why I had to leave?!” She burst out.
My body seized up at those words. There was no way she was telling the truth. I’d thought she’d been lying just to get me to stay away back when we were in forth grade… Now though, I wasn’t so sure.
I took several deep breaths and closed my eyes, trying to force myself to calm down. This was not a situation to freak out in, especially if she was just attempting to scare me.
And, although I hated to admit it, she was succeeding.
“So you’re saying… that basically I have a few hours to live?” I said a sarcastic tone to my voice.
Her eyebrows rose as she glared at me, and my head immediately turned towards the floor so she wouldn’t see the frightened look in my eyes.
“This isn’t a joke,” she snarled.
Then, all in an instant I got what she was talking about. Out of the corner of my vision, I could see death coming at us in the form of a four ton hunk of metal going seventy miles per hour.
I screamed.

Let me know if you don't like how I ended this, or if it needs to be longer. Thanks!

Hey there Tori,

Tanya here for a review!

There was that face. It was so familiar. I knew it somehow.

You say 'somehow' but the sentence right after, you know who she is. Somehow is a little vague, considering she'd recognise her hair within a sea of a million dark heads, you know?

She wore a seemly clunky pair of combat boots, but when she moved, it was the grace known only to the lethal. I wondered where she learned to walk like that.

I love the imagery of this sentence. So very vivid.

I surveyed her black leather jacket, and gray skinny jeans with jealously, but resisted the urge to run over and simply steal them. There was no way I could approach this meeting with a comment as nonchalant as, “I like your jeans.”

jealousy.

I love the beginning, Tori. It's good and intriguing but I stil find myself confused. What exactly where they both doing? Was your mc at a dance, she looked up and saw Sam? Was it dark? How could she know from such a distance that Sam's eyes were the same shade of grey? It would be nice to have a little more description here.

She was no where in sight, but I figured she was probably getting in a car, so I began to walk down the sidewalk, searching for any signs of life.

nowhere

Maybe she came to find you, the always hopefully voice in the back of my head piped up

the part I highlighted in bold should be in italics for your inner thoughts.

It was pitch black outside, and I could see headlights suddenly lighting.

this sentence is quite blah compared to the rest. I mean, what else are headlights suppose to do? I think your mc could pull off something like, "..the headlights suddenly sliced the darkness" or something to that effect. It would add to the suspence also.

Then he window rolled down, and without looking at me, the girl within spoke two words that changed my life forever.

the

Hey… I know I got in the car with you and all… but I have to be back at the dance by eleven else my moms gonna freak.”

mom's

“Iris… Do you remember at all our last conversation?” She said with out preamble.

she, lowercase and without, one word.

“You expect me to remember something from 7 years ago?” I said, try to be nonchalant.

trying

Well… I-I… I mean…” She stammered, suddenly not sure of herself.

lowercase.

That was a pain filled subject.

there should be a dash between the words in bold.

“You… You do?” She asked

lowercase.

“I did want to see you. But I couldn’t. Because they told me if I stayed, you would die,” her knuckles gripped the steering wheel so hard they turned white.

uppercase

“No, I think it’s you who doesn’t understand Iris

comma between the words in bold.

Well, Tori, done with the nitpicks! My first point would be to mention dialogue punctuation. There's nothing to mention in the first chapter, because there's no dialogue. I'm not going to go into detail because there's a great thread for you to read, right here:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html

That being said, I thought these chapters were great. Iris's tone was consistent throughout the whole piece, and I found her witty and funny.

I think your descriptions were good and detailed, without being too much. I think your ending was good, but I'm not sure how Iris is supposed to know it was coming at them at that speed....?

Other than that, it was great. I loved this, thank you for posting.

Tanya

Hey, Tori. Before I start reviewing, I want to suggest that you space your writing out. It's much easier to read and more attractive to reviewers. Anyway, that aside, I'll split this into two and review each chapter separately.

Chapter 1

I like the beginning, and though I don't usually advocate blocks of generic description, your style carries it off and you manage to intersperse it with some information from the MC. I have some nitpicks, which I'll interject as I go through the piece. Hopefully I won't go over the points Tanya made above, though I second most of those too. I agree that it's difficult to tell where we are at this point. The mention of the boyfriend just throws the reader off; the fact that you don't name him suggests he's a minor character, so is it necessary to include him here? If you do, spend a little while developing the setting of a dance.

but I could have told it apart from a crowd of a million dark headed people.

Cut from "dark". It's unnecessary and I think the rest of the sentence speaks for itself.

That was a skill I sure could have used.

I've read the prologue, and though I understand that your MC is going to end up finding being "lethal" a useful skill, I'm not sure why she considers it one now.

She said with out preamble.

She was no where in sight, but I figured she was probably getting in a car, so I began to walk down the sidewalk, searching for any signs of life.

First, "nowhere". Secondly, bearing in mind that from what we've seen of Sam so far, she's quite strange, why does the MC assume she's getting in a car? For all we know, she could be getting a lift in a helicopter, or more plausibly, just walking somewhere. Why should she be in a car? She could just be walking through the car park. I know it's unlikely, but when you're looking for someone and wondering why she'd disappeared, you couldn't afford to rule it out.

There was no way she would come to something as meager meagre as a high school homecoming.

It was pitch black outside, and I could see headlights suddenly lighting.

Cut "suddenly lighting". It doesn't add much.

With a sense of stupid curiosity, I stepped off the sidewalk and onto the asphalt.

I would replace the first clause with "Curious". You seem to have a tendency to be wordier than is necessary.

It was extremely creepy being alone outside.

Don't tell us this; show it. To be honest, you've built up a pretty good feeling of creepiness so far with the sudden appearance of Sam and the general atmosphere in what I assume in the car park.

At the end of this chapter, the above is roughly a summation of what's been established. I suggest you merge it with the second chapter, because there isn't an obvious change of scene or atmosphere. Also, I find the chapter title somewhat odd. It doesn't really apply, as the Homecoming is of so little relevence to the plot.

Chapter 2

On one hand, she was probably escaping from an asylum, or jail, but on the other… She was Sam.

Why "probably"? I imagine it would be more likely "might be". From the prologue, my first reaction wasn't to think she was unstable, as your MC seems to have concluded; both were quite young at the time.

It took another moment for me to shut the door

We don't need to know this, so I suggest you cut it.

That was a pain filled subject.

I think "painful" is fine here, rather than "pain filled".

My body seized up at those words. There was no way she was telling the truth. I’d thought she’d been lying just to get me to stay away back when we were in forth grade fourth grade… Now though, I wasn’t so sure.

If the MC thought she was lying, what did she think Sam wanted her to "stay away" from? I find some of her reasoning hard to follow.

This was not a situation to freak out in, especially if she was just attempting to scare me.

I'd cut this. Why would Sam appear out of nowhere just to scare someone she hasn't seen since she was ten? (I assume that's about right; I'm not American, so I don't really know the grade system.)

Out of the corner of my vision

Replace this "vision" with "eye", I think.

Well, at the end of that chapter, I'm left in no doubt that in the end, Sam is going to be proved right. I think the discussion of "death" is a little too much. There are ways to establish that someone is after Iris without telling her that she could die any minute, and I think the mention of "death" approaching is almost too literal. I'd reword that penultimate sentence.

As for it being longer, I repeat my earlier point: merge the chapters. Other than that, I can't really tell the length because of the lack of the spacing that I'm used to. It's not that long for a chapter, but it depends whether you're going to have, like a lot of YA books, several short chapters rather than a few longer ones.

There's very little for me to comment on in terms of plot and character development yet, though I feel somewhat confused about Iris' relationship with Sam. It's obvious they were close, but even in the prologue, I didn't get the feeling that the loss of the friendship would stay with both girls over the next few years. The fact that they were close enough to attempt to break into a facility with the knowledge that neither of them would reveal it, as well as so convinced of their own abilities that they'd try it, suggests a strong, if very unstable, bond of friendship. I get the feeling that's what you're going for, but a few of Iris' assumptions seem strange, as I've pointed out, given that closeness - and the deterioration of trust over the years they've spent apart.

I'd consider the character dynamics a little more. How does Iris feel about Sam's abandonment of her? It's obvious she was upset from her internal monologue, but it doesn't come across in her perception of Sam or the way in which she addresses her.

Other than that, check through your work for typos. The reviewer above caught most of them, as well as the minor issues with speech formatting. For the most part, your grammar is okay, but watch out for instances where you pack your sentences with little words and strange constructions which will hinder the flow. Again, they're mostly pointed out above.

Overall, this is a really promising start, and I find your writing style easy to read and much like most of the teen fiction books out there at the moment. I hope my review helps.

- Jet.