Ogygia-part one

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Calypso Baros screamed, the sound muffled through the padded white walls of her cell. This was the way it had been for the last six days. Nobody talked to her, nobody acknowledged her. She knew she couldn't hold out much longer. Dr. Royce was going to break her soon. She just couldn't let them know that. She forced the tears to stop, but a few wayward drops rolled down her face. She breathed in shaky intervals. Inhale, exhale, inhale again.

Stay sane she commanded herself. Those two words became something like a mantra to her that month.

She thought of everyone who mattered to her. Her friends, Danni, Ivy, Alyssa, and Meri. Images of the four of them laughing together flashed through her mind. Her twin siblings, Helen and Hector, only freshmen in high school. She thought about Cerberus, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel too cute and innocent to live up to his namesake, the cruel, three-headed dog from the underworld. She thought of Jason.

Her lips curved into a small smile, a rare blessing this month. She thought back to that day two months ago, the day of Jason's sister, Calliope’s, wedding. Of course the entire Baros family came, them being friends with their family since Calypso could remember. After the ceremony, Jason took her hand and led her into a corner of the Greek Orthodox Church. She had always liked him. Back when they were little, Calypso always wanted to play with Jason instead of prissy Calliope. She was always the only girl at his birthday parties. He took her to a dance in eighth grade, but they stood there, awkwardly. To nervous to even talk. The wedding was the first time he kissed her, and probably the last. She remembered the feel of the kiss as his lips brushed softly against hers. His breath tasted cool and fresh, like mint. With pleasure, Calypso allowed herself to be lost in the magical moment. But it was cut short by Calliope and her new husband wanting to take a picture with the wedding party. She pulled back, embarrassed to have been caught. Roses of embarrassment blossomed in her cheeks. She looked at Jason, hoping he would save her from further humiliation, but seeing him grinning stupidly at her only made the flush spread. The memory made her lips stretch into a smile. But a clang from outside pulled out of her daydream and back into reality. Her smile faded, replaced by the thick layer of fear, despair, and sorrow. She missed his calls. How was he doing? Did he miss her? Did he think of her as much as she thought of him?

Involuntarily, she thought of her mother. She worried about her, how well could she take the loss of her oldest daughter, and so soon after losing her husband. She wondered how she was holding up? She imagined her mother, laying in bed, sobbing and helpless, her face twisted in anguish, just like when her father died. Only the pain reflected in her eyes was ten times worse. Tears rolled down Calypso’s cheeks.

She almost didn't notice when the padded, one-way door opened. Awkwardly, she laid her head on her lap, trying to wipe the tears away, since she couldn’t use her hands. Her black hair fell over her face like a curtain. When her tears stopped falling, she lifted her head. She expected the person to be one of the guards, but when she saw the man, her blood froze to ice in her veins, and a whimper rose in her throat. He started to laugh, as if her fear entertained him. The sinister sound of his hysterical laugh echoed in the room. The sound itself almost drove her insane. She squeezed her eyes shut, praying for it to stop. A moment later, the sound ended. Calypso exhaled in relief, but when she opened her eyes and saw him still standing there, her fear returned.

"Ah, beautiful Calypso. Your stronger then I thought. Our boy is halfway to insanity now."

"Well, Dr. Royce, I guess your experiment is over." Calypso hoped she sounded braver than she felt, but she doubted that he missed the quiver in her voice.

He touched her shoulder, and she winced. He was the cruelest man she had ever seen. He was a tall man with piercing blue eyes and shaggy brown hair. He could be considered handsome, but his eyes were as cold and unfeeling as ice. Just staring into them long enough sent frigid chills down Calypso’s spine. He always regarded her as if she was nothing but an interesting specimen, ready for dissections. He circled around the block she was sitting on.

"What do you want, Royce? This is the first time you've have been the one to carry out your own orders."
As if on cue, two of the stronger workers walked in, and Royce undid her straitjacket. The three left hurriedly, and Royce's voice boomed over a speaker.

“You won't need that were you're going."

Calypso lifted up her hands, staring at them. For the first time since she was taken here, she completely let herself go. She had cried, sobbed even, but this was different. Sobs racked her body painfully, but she didn't even care. Tears rolled down her face in streams, but this time, she could wipe them away.

She remembered the day they brought her here. It was a warm day, with some clouds here and there. She was wandering around Kendall art college, still a new student, fresh out of high school. She wore paint splattered jeans and a red MOMA t-shirt. Her long, straitened black hair was clipped up, and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She was breathing in the fresh air and holding her books against her chest. A white van pulled up, but Calypso didn't think much of it until three men came out and seemed to be studying her. They made her uncomfortable, so she walked a little faster. They seemed to disappear for a while, until Calypso found herself on an isolated part of campus, seemingly the only one there. Then two of the men came grabbed her and before she knew what was happening, another was injecting a sedative into her arm. When she woke up, she was sitting in a chair, confined by a strait jacket, her hair chopped at her chin. Royce came in and told her she was going to be used for an experiment. He said that she and a boy the same age were going to be driven insane, to see what gender lost sanity first. She yelled that he had no right to do this. When she said that, his face clouded over, and he replied that he had every right to. He quickly snapped out of it and his eyes returned to their cold, empty state. When she yelled that no one would ever do that to her, he waved his hand and left her alone. Then next month was hell. Each week brought a new horror. The first week was music torture.

Loud heavy metal music pounding through her head every minute, making her feel like it would explode. The next week was Chinese water torture, and Calypso was not sure how she made it. Drops of ice-cold water dripped on her forehead, that she couldn’t wipe away. Just when she thought she’d crack, it stopped. Then hot water began hitting her forehead. At first the warm water felt pleasant against her frozen brow, but started to burn like acid. Yet, it seemed like some other force was keeping her sane. Which helped with the next one, poison. The workers forced a clear, slippery liquid down her throat. The burning liquid made her sick. So when she wasn't leaning over a small garbage can throwing up, she was laying on the floor in a fever, hallucinating. This past week they had ignored her, not one word had been spoken to her before Royce had come in earlier. They looked right through her as if she wasn't even there, and they completely ignore every word she said. Once again, the mysterious force saved her sanity, and Royce wasn't happy about that. Calypso knew that he was getting impatient, and that this next test would break for her sure. She spent the rest of the day in fear, terrified of Royce. Several hours later, Royce's voice came over the speaker again.

"Time for your next test, Calypso, and you won't win this one.” His voice contained an extra note of smugness that unnerved her. “We’re sending you to a small island in the Aegean Sea. You will keep a journal to let us know the outcome. You’re departing tomorrow.”
Last edited by moderncalypso on Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:45 pm, edited 6 times in total.




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Hey Moderncalypso,
Welcome to YWS. I liked the idea. It seems like you've done your research on Greek mythology and have a handle on it. I would explain some of the names, like the dog's, because some people (me) don't know Greek mythology as well. If the name as some importance, some people won't get it because they don't know it.
Mainly, I focus on grammar, but if I feel like I need to say something about the plot, I will. I'm afraid, I'm a bit of a nitpicker, so just bare with me.

She knew she couldn't hold out much longer, Dr. Royce was going to break her soon.
This is a run-on. You need a period, conjunction, or a semicolon instead of a comma. I used to have run-ons all the time.

Stay sane she thought to herself.
I would put the thoughts in italics, but you can keep them the way you have them, if you want. Thoughts are like dialouge you need a comma after sane, ending the thought and going on with the narrative.

The two words have become something like a mantra to her over the past month.
You slipped into present tense here. It's easy to do. Have should be had.

She thought of her friends. Danni, Ivy, Alyssa, and Meri.
As an author you have a bit of a freedom that you wouldn't have on an essay, so what you have here is okay, but to be strictly grammatical, you would have a comma, instead of a period, and then you would list the friends.

She though of her twin siblings, Helen and Hector, only freshmen in high school.
Thought

She thought of her mother, Eleni Baros, who was obsessed with naming her kids after the famous Greek hero's of her homeland, and so strong when her husband lost his mind.
You're falling into a pattern, and this pattern becomes a bit motonous. "She thought... She thought..." This might be intentional, but, in this case, it's not working for you.
This sentence alone is fine until you get to the last clause. I'm not sure what it is, but it sounds wrong. If you add a was before so strong it might flow a little better. Also, heroes doesn't need an apostrophe.


She thought about Cerberus, the Cavalier king Charles spaniel too cute and innocent to live up to his namesake.
Kind and spaniel needs to be capatilized.

Of course the entire Baros family came, them being friends with they're family since Calypso could remember.
Of course isn't strictly need for the sentence so you put a comma after course.
There are a few things about this sentence.
One, it doesn't really flow well.
Two, they're is a contraction meaning they are. You want their.
Three, because you have two families, I'm confused by whom you are talking about, since you're using them and their.


After the ceremony, Calypso donned in a sleek, silky blue-green dress and Jason in a suit and tie, he took her hand and led her into a corner of the Greek Orthodox Church.
In this sentence you describe both of the charcters, but because you have that they both have to be doing something. Like "Calypso... and Jason... met..." Or you could say Jason, in a suit and tie, took..." Don't repeat he. You already have the noun.
You need a comma after silky, a comma after Calypso, and one after Jason. Just read the sentence and you'll see what I mean. I know what I said was a bit confusing.


Rose of embarrassment blossomed in her cheeks.
Roses

But as she looked at Jason, seeing him grinning stupidly at her made the flush spread, and her lips stretched into a smile.
But, I think, is the wrong conjunction. But, in this situation, would mean he made the blush go away. I would try and. Or you could get rid of the conjunction altogether. It really isn't needed.
You need a comma after stupidly.


But as soon as she was pulled out of her daydream and back into reality, her smile faded, replaced by the thick layer of fear, despair, and most of all, sorrow.
What pulled her into reality?

Involuntarily, she thought of her mother and siblings.
You already have thought about them. I would move the paragraph below this to the first place you mention them.

She imagined her mother, laying in bed, sobbing and helpless, her face twisted in anguish. Just like when her father died. Only the pain reflected in her eyes was ten times worse.
"Just like her father died" is a fragment. If you combine it with the sentence before it, it will fit. Just put a comma where the period is.
The last clause is also a fragment. If you get rid of the word only it will be an independant clause, or you could to add it to the last sentence, but then that sentence would be really confusing.


I think you should indent here and start a new paragraph, since you stopped talking about Calypso's mom.

Awkwardly, she laid her head on her lap trying to wipe the tears away, since she couldn’t use her hands.
You need a comma afer lap.

"Well Dr. Royce, I guess your experiment is over." Calypso hoped she sounded braver than she felt, but she doubted that he missed the quiver in her voice.
Well is an injunction so you put a comma after it.

His was the cruelest man she had ever seen.
He

He was a tall man, with piercing blue eyes and shaggy brown hair.
You don't need a comma after man.

He always regarded her as she was nothing but an interesting specimen, ready for dissections.
As though or as if

"What do you want Royce?
You need a comma before Royce because she's adressing him.

As if on que, two of the stronger workers walked in, and Royce undid her straitjacket.
cue

I think you need to indent here.
She remembered the day they brought her here.

Her long, straitened black hair was clipped up and she wasn't wearing any make-up.
You need a comma before the and because you have two independant clauses joined with a conjunction.

She was breathing in the fresh air and holding books against her chest.
Do you mean her books? I think it sounds better that way, but it's your decision.

Then three men in white grabbed her and before she knew what was happening, another was injecting a sedative into her arm.
You need a comma before and after and. The reason you need one after is to seperate the detail of when the action happened from the sentence.

When she woke up she was sitting in a chair, confined by a strait jacket, her hair chopped at her chin.
You need a comma after up.

When she said that, his face clouded over, and he replied that he had every right to. He quickly snapped out of it and his eye's returned to their cold, empty state.
I thought this was very brief when it could be a lot more. I don't think it sounds right or has a place in the story unless you bulk it up a little. Some people will probably disagree, though.

At the warm water felt pleasant against her frozen brow, but stated to burn like acid.
At first, started
You don't need a comma after brow.


So when she wasn't leaning over the small garbage can they put in her room throwing up any food they gave her, she was laying on the floor in a fever, hallucinating.
This sentence doesn't make sense. It sounds like they are throwing up. I would rewrite this sentence.
You need a comma after can and a period after her and before she. This is a run-on.


Once again, the mysterious force saved her sanity and Royce wasn't happy about that.
Comma before and

Calypso knew that he was getting impatient and that this next one would break for her sure.
A comma after impatient. Next what?


I'm definitely interested and intruiged. I liked your sentence structure.
If you need a review, just click on the second link below this review. If you have a question, just PM me.
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YAY SAK AND LILY!
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.




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Awesome-tastic! Pulls you right from the beggining. Haha, sometimes I go to write a critique then I finsish reading the sentence and then realize it's fine like that. XD Holy crap! As I was reading this I totally realized that I have an idea similar to this! You know that short little story about the girl and the boy that I wrote? Well, as I was thinkin of a plot to it and basically the government is doing this and is using a girl, boy and a couple other people of various ages each with a boy, girl grouping and they torture them to see how long they last beacuse they have new torture techniques but they don't want to use them on the prisoners because they're afraid that could kill them 'cause they don't know what the torture techniques do to people. Every time they go to get tortured of injected the doctor plays orchestral music and the main character played the violin.

Calypso Baros screamed, the sound muffled through the padded white walls of her cell. This was the way it had been for the last six days. Nobody talked to her, nobody acknowledged her. She knew she couldn't hold out much longer. Dr. Royce was going to break her soon. She just couldn't let them know that. She forced the tears to stop, but a few wayward drops rolled down her face. She breathed in shaky bunchesnot really liking the word "bunches" here. As I don't have a different word to put there I would suggest trying to write it a different way. Like, "....IDK...." XD (SOrry!). Inhale, exhale, inhale again.I'm not sure if this is a thought or not. It kinda seems like it is but you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

Stay sane she thought to herself.I can't remeber if this was italicized before I copied and pasted. I believe it was so I'll leave it alone. TheThose two words became something like a mantra to her that month.This part feels like now you're going into flash-back but you're not going to yet. Cool, cool.

She thought of everyone who mattered to her. Her friends, Danni, Ivy, Alyssa, and Meri. Images of the four of them laughing together flashed through her mind. Her twin siblings, Helen and Hector, only freshmen in high school. She thought about Cerberus, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel too cute and innocent to live up to his namesake, the cruel, three-headed dog from the underworld. And then,She thought of Jason.

Her lips curved into a small smile, a rare blessing this month. She thought back to that day two months ago, the day of Jason's sister, Calliope’sit feels like there should be a comma here. wedding. Of course the entire Baros family came, them being friends with they're family since Calypso could remember. After the ceremony, Jason took her hand and led her into a corner of the Greek Orthodox Church. It was the first time he kissed herThere should be a little more background into the two of them., and probably the last. She remembered the feel of the kiss as his lips brushed softly against hers. His breath tasted cool and fresh, like mint. With pleasure,You can take out, "With pleasure," Calypso allowed herself to be lost in the magical moment. But it was cut short by Calliope and her new husband wanting to take a picture. She pulled back, embarrassed to have been caught. Roses of embarrassment blossomed in her cheeks. She looked at Jason, hoping he would save her from further humiliation, but seeing him grinning stupidly at her only made the flush spread. The memory made her lips stretchedstretch into a smile. But a clangIs there a special symbolism for the clang? What does it mean? Or is it just there to bring her back to reality. from outside pulledher out of her daydream and back into reality,End of sentence. her smile faded, replaced by the thick layer of fear, despair, and most of all, sorrow. She missed hisuse Jason's name calls. How was he doing? Did he miss her? Did he think of her as much as she thought of him?

Involuntarily, she thought of her mother. She worried about her, how well could she take the loss of her oldest daughter, and so soon after losing her husband. She wondered how she was holding up? She imagined her mother, laying in bed, sobbing and helpless, her face twisted in anguish, just like when her father died. Only the pain reflected in her eyes was ten times worse. Tears rolled down Calypso’s cheeks.

She almost didn't notice when the padded, one-way door opened. Awkwardly, she laid her head on her lap, trying to wipe the tears away, since she couldn’t use her hands.Why? HerI'm guessing it's long. I know it seems trivial but could you put in the length? It gives a better visulizaton about what she looks like. black hair fell over her face like a curtain. When her tears stopped falling, she lifted her head. She hadexpected the person to be one of the guards, but when she saw the manUppercase, "Man" It gives it more meaning. enteringEntering? I thought he'd already entered?, her blood froze to ice in her veins, and a whimper rose in her throat. He started to laugh, as if her fear entertained him. The sinister sound of his hysterical laugh echoed in the room. The sound its selfitself. I know you'd have caught it in your review. almost drove her insane. She squeezed her eyes shut, praying for it to stop. A moment later, the sound ended. Calypso exhaled in relief, but when she opened her eyes and saw himstill standing there, her fear returned.

"Ah, beautiful Calypso. Your stronger then I thought. Our boy is halfway to insanity now."What boy? Maybe Calypso could give us some insight into that. Does she have any feeling for him? Not like, "I love you," but she cares for him or something.

"Well, Dr. Royce, I guess your experiment is over."What experiment? Why would it be over?...wel...I guess you wouldn't have to actually tell us if you didn't want to. I think we can infer that it woud be over because she's not becoming insane. Calypso hoped she sounded braver than she felt, but she doubted that he missed the quiver in her voice.

He touched her shoulder, and she winced. HeUse, Dr. Royce was the cruelest man she had ever seen. He was a tall man with piercing blue eyes and shaggy brown hair. He could be considered handsome, but his eyes were as cold and unfeeling as ice. Just staring into his eyes long enough sent frigid chills down Calypso’s spine. He always regarded her as if she was nothing but an interesting specimen, ready for dissections. He circled around the block she was sitting on. What was his expression like?

"What do you want, Royce? This is the first time you've have been the one to carry out your own orders."Wha't orders?
As if on cue, two of the stronger workers walked in, and Royce undid her straitjacket. ONe would've thought that you would take the opportunity of beign free to at least try to escape no matter how slim it seems.The three left hurriedlyThis seems bland. Needs more pizzaz. Maybe a little gloating from Dr. Royce., and Royce's voice boomed over a speaker.

“You won't need that were your going."

Calypso lifted up her hands, staring at them.What did she feel as she stared at her hands? For the first time since she was taken here, she completely let herself go. She had cried, sobbed even, but this was different. Sobs racked her body painfully, but she didn't even care.Maybe you could put in a little bit about how she thinks Dr. Royce feels about this little breakdown. Tears rolled down her face in streams, but this time, she could wipe them away.Why? why the breakdown now?

She remembered the day they brought her here. It was a warm day, with some clouds here and there. She was wandering aroundKendall art college, still a new student, fresh out of high school. She wore paint splattered jeans and a red MOMA t-shirt. Her long, straitenedstraightened. black hair was clipped up, and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She was breathing in the fresh air and holding her books against her chestWhat' was she thinking. For both this sentence and the next --->. Then three men in white grabbed her and before she knew what was happening, another was injecting a sedative into her arm. When she woke up, she was sitting in a chair, confined by a strait jacket, her hair chopped at her chin.What' was her first impression of Dr. Royce? Royce came in and told her she was going to be used for an experimentThis seems a little sudden.. He said that she and a boy the same age were going to be driven insane, to see what gender lost sanity firstWhy would he do that? What was her reaction? (Feeling's wise). She yelled that he had no right to do this. When she said that, his face clouded overwhat did she think of that?, and he replied that he had every right tohow did he say it?. He quickly snapped out of it and his eye's returned to their cold, empty state. When she yelled that no one would ever do that to her, he waved her away? This makes no sense? Waved her away. If he did that then two body guards should've taken her away. It makes not sense when she's already in her cell. and left her alone. Then next month was hell. Each week brought a new horror. TheThat first week, had been a music torture. first week was music torture.

Loud heavy metal music pounding through her head every minute, making her feel like it would explode. The next week was Chinese water torture, and Calypso was not sure how she made it. Drops of ice-cold water dripped on her forehead, that she couldn’t wipe away. Just when she thought she’d crack, it stopped. Then hot water began hitting her forehead. At first the warm water felt pleasant against her frozen brow, but started to burn like acid. Yet, it seemed like some other force was keeping her sane. Which helped with the next one, poison. The workers forced a clear, slippery liquid down her throat. The burning liquid made her sick. So when she wasn't leaning over a small garbage can throwing up, she was laying on the floor in a fever, hallucinating. This past week they had ignored her, not one word had been spoken to her before Royce had come in earlier. They looked right through her as if she wasn't even there, and they completely ignoreignored every word she said. Once again, the mysterious force saved her sanity, and Royce wasn't happy about that. Calypso knew that he was getting impatient, and that this next test would break for her sure. She spent the rest of the day in fear, terrified of Royce. Several hours later, Royce's voice came over the speaker again.

"Time for your next test, Calypso, and you won't win this one.” His voice contained an extra note of smugness that unnerved her. “We’re sending you to a small island in the Aegean Sea. You will keep a journal to let us know the outcome. You’re departing tomorrow.”
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Awesome-tastic! Pulls you right from the beggining. Haha, sometimes I go to write a critique then I finsish reading the sentence and then realize it's fine like that. XD Holy crap! As I was reading this I totally realized that I have an idea similar to this! You know that short little story about the girl and the boy that I wrote? Well, as I was thinkin of a plot to it and basically the government is doing this and is using a girl, boy and a couple other people of various ages each with a boy, girl grouping and they torture them to see how long they last beacuse they have new torture techniques but they don't want to use them on the prisoners because they're afraid that could kill them 'cause they don't know what the torture techniques do to people. Every time they go to get tortured of injected the doctor plays orchestral music and the main character played the violin.

Calypso Baros screamed, the sound muffled through the padded white walls of her cell. This was the way it had been for the last six days. Nobody talked to her, nobody acknowledged her. She knew she couldn't hold out much longer. Dr. Royce was going to break her soon. She just couldn't let them know that. She forced the tears to stop, but a few wayward drops rolled down her face. She breathed in shaky bunchesnot really liking the word "bunches" here. As I don't have a different word to put there I would suggest trying to write it a different way. Like, "....IDK...." XD (SOrry!). Inhale, exhale, inhale again.I'm not sure if this is a thought or not. It kinda seems like it is but you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

Stay sane she thought to herself.I can't remeber if this was italicized before I copied and pasted. I believe it was so I'll leave it alone. TheThose two words became something like a mantra to her that month.This part feels like now you're going into flash-back but you're not going to yet. Cool, cool.

She thought of everyone who mattered to her. Her friends, Danni, Ivy, Alyssa, and Meri. Images of the four of them laughing together flashed through her mind. Her twin siblings, Helen and Hector, only freshmen in high school. She thought about Cerberus, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel too cute and innocent to live up to his namesake, the cruel, three-headed dog from the underworld. And then,She thought of Jason.

Her lips curved into a small smile, a rare blessing this month. She thought back to that day two months ago, the day of Jason's sister, Calliope’sit feels like there should be a comma here. wedding. Of course the entire Baros family came, them being friends with they're family since Calypso could remember. After the ceremony, Jason took her hand and led her into a corner of the Greek Orthodox Church. It was the first time he kissed herThere should be a little more background into the two of them., and probably the last. She remembered the feel of the kiss as his lips brushed softly against hers. His breath tasted cool and fresh, like mint. With pleasure,You can take out, "With pleasure," Calypso allowed herself to be lost in the magical moment. But it was cut short by Calliope and her new husband wanting to take a picture. She pulled back, embarrassed to have been caught. Roses of embarrassment blossomed in her cheeks. She looked at Jason, hoping he would save her from further humiliation, but seeing him grinning stupidly at her only made the flush spread. The memory made her lips stretchedstretch into a smile. But a clangIs there a special symbolism for the clang? What does it mean? Or is it just there to bring her back to reality. from outside pulledher out of her daydream and back into reality,End of sentence. her smile faded, replaced by the thick layer of fear, despair, and most of all, sorrow. She missed hisuse Jason's name calls. How was he doing? Did he miss her? Did he think of her as much as she thought of him?

Involuntarily, she thought of her mother. She worried about her, how well could she take the loss of her oldest daughter, and so soon after losing her husband. She wondered how she was holding up? She imagined her mother, laying in bed, sobbing and helpless, her face twisted in anguish, just like when her father died. Only the pain reflected in her eyes was ten times worse. Tears rolled down Calypso’s cheeks.

She almost didn't notice when the padded, one-way door opened. Awkwardly, she laid her head on her lap, trying to wipe the tears away, since she couldn’t use her hands.Why? HerI'm guessing it's long. I know it seems trivial but could you put in the length? It gives a better visulizaton about what she looks like. black hair fell over her face like a curtain. When her tears stopped falling, she lifted her head. She hadexpected the person to be one of the guards, but when she saw the manUppercase, "Man" It gives it more meaning. enteringEntering? I thought he'd already entered?, her blood froze to ice in her veins, and a whimper rose in her throat. He started to laugh, as if her fear entertained him. The sinister sound of his hysterical laugh echoed in the room. The sound its selfitself. I know you'd have caught it in your review. almost drove her insane. She squeezed her eyes shut, praying for it to stop. A moment later, the sound ended. Calypso exhaled in relief, but when she opened her eyes and saw himstill standing there, her fear returned.

"Ah, beautiful Calypso. Your stronger then I thought. Our boy is halfway to insanity now."What boy? Maybe Calypso could give us some insight into that. Does she have any feeling for him? Not like, "I love you," but she cares for him or something.

"Well, Dr. Royce, I guess your experiment is over."What experiment? Why would it be over?...wel...I guess you wouldn't have to actually tell us if you didn't want to. I think we can infer that it woud be over because she's not becoming insane. Calypso hoped she sounded braver than she felt, but she doubted that he missed the quiver in her voice.

He touched her shoulder, and she winced. HeUse, Dr. Royce was the cruelest man she had ever seen. He was a tall man with piercing blue eyes and shaggy brown hair. He could be considered handsome, but his eyes were as cold and unfeeling as ice. Just staring into his eyes long enough sent frigid chills down Calypso’s spine. He always regarded her as if she was nothing but an interesting specimen, ready for dissections. He circled around the block she was sitting on. What was his expression like?

"What do you want, Royce? This is the first time you've have been the one to carry out your own orders."Wha't orders?
As if on cue, two of the stronger workers walked in, and Royce undid her straitjacket. ONe would've thought that you would take the opportunity of beign free to at least try to escape no matter how slim it seems.The three left hurriedlyThis seems bland. Needs more pizzaz. Maybe a little gloating from Dr. Royce., and Royce's voice boomed over a speaker.

“You won't need that were your going."

Calypso lifted up her hands, staring at them.What did she feel as she stared at her hands? For the first time since she was taken here, she completely let herself go. She had cried, sobbed even, but this was different. Sobs racked her body painfully, but she didn't even care.Maybe you could put in a little bit about how she thinks Dr. Royce feels about this little breakdown. Tears rolled down her face in streams, but this time, she could wipe them away.Why? why the breakdown now?

She remembered the day they brought her here. It was a warm day, with some clouds here and there. She was wandering aroundKendall art college, still a new student, fresh out of high school. She wore paint splattered jeans and a red MOMA t-shirt. Her long, straitenedstraightened. black hair was clipped up, and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She was breathing in the fresh air and holding her books against her chestWhat' was she thinking. For both this sentence and the next --->. Then three men in white grabbed her and before she knew what was happening, another was injecting a sedative into her arm. When she woke up, she was sitting in a chair, confined by a strait jacket, her hair chopped at her chin.What' was her first impression of Dr. Royce? Royce came in and told her she was going to be used for an experimentThis seems a little sudden.. He said that she and a boy the same age were going to be driven insane, to see what gender lost sanity firstWhy would he do that? What was her reaction? (Feeling's wise). She yelled that he had no right to do this. When she said that, his face clouded overwhat did she think of that?, and he replied that he had every right tohow did he say it?. He quickly snapped out of it and his eye's returned to their cold, empty state. When she yelled that no one would ever do that to her, he waved her away? This makes no sense? Waved her away. If he did that then two body guards should've taken her away. It makes not sense when she's already in her cell. and left her alone. Then next month was hell. Each week brought a new horror. TheThat first week, had been a music torture. first week was music torture.

Loud heavy metal music pounding through her head every minute, making her feel like it would explode. The next week was Chinese water torture, and Calypso was not sure how she made it. Drops of ice-cold water dripped on her forehead, that she couldn’t wipe away. Just when she thought she’d crack, it stopped. Then hot water began hitting her forehead. At first the warm water felt pleasant against her frozen brow, but started to burn like acid. Yet, it seemed like some other force was keeping her sane. Which helped with the next one, poison. The workers forced a clear, slippery liquid down her throat. The burning liquid made her sick. So when she wasn't leaning over a small garbage can throwing up, she was laying on the floor in a fever, hallucinating. This past week they had ignored her, not one word had been spoken to her before Royce had come in earlier. They looked right through her as if she wasn't even there, and they completely ignoreignored every word she said. Once again, the mysterious force saved her sanity, and Royce wasn't happy about that. Calypso knew that he was getting impatient, and that this next test would break for her sure. She spent the rest of the day in fear, terrified of Royce. Several hours later, Royce's voice came over the speaker again.

"Time for your next test, Calypso, and you won't win this one.” His voice contained an extra note of smugness that unnerved her. “We’re sending you to a small island in the Aegean Sea. You will keep a journal to let us know the outcome. You’re departing tomorrow.”
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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So it's about.......insanity?
No probably not. >< Actually I'm kidding, Pippi told me what this was about, but that's just what I would/might be thinking if I had just read this without knowing anything about it. ^^
So....It's neat! But, slightly confusing, I understood it but the part when it says Royce comes in and then says something about his voice over the speaker and then some time later at the very end he's telling her about her new torture, so I'm lost as to where exactly we are here. Today? Yesterday? Tomorrow? Tomorrow's yesterday? Something like that? It's not that big a deal, but, just saying. So, keep it up. If you do, I'll even share my cookie with you. :P
Rite on. :P
I would never share my candy with you. You're not crazy enough.
"Insanity is not a curse, it's a privilege."- ME




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Hey Saks! Finally here for your long waited for review!

Since everyone has gone over the grammatical stand point, I am going to give you 5 key impressions.

1. I can tell you and Lil took a long time working on this, taking your time, doing research. I really appreciate that. I personally hate doing research, but you stuck it, and actually did very well. So kudos to you!

2. me being me, I love the way she was thinking about Jason. Romance is always a win with me.

3. your dialogue caught me as soon as I began to read them talking to each other. That was the hook for me. Hooks are hard to master, and I am pleased to congratulate you on doing it awesomely! I never pay attention to the first sentence. Thats not the hook for me. The Hook for me is when you first start talking. Talking/dialogue is like a peep inside your characters personality. And you gave us a peek that showed, she's strong, willful and not insane.

4. I love this doctor dude. Like soul-mate love. (shhh... don't tell PB) he's diabolical,arrogant, selfish, breaks the law.. I could go on forever. I LOVE him.

5. Okay, last Key impression. Lets make it count. You drew a picture, but some things were left out, like: what color was the padding, what color the doctor's jacket was, If he carried a clip board (as though he was examining her record), What the gaurds looked like: things like that. Just a little nitpick. its not even that hard to do it.

Congratulations on this chapter/novel. It is really an awesome feat.

Keep on truckin!
~pointes
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




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I am intrigued. There was one part that confused me though.
She remembered the day they brought her here. It was a warm day, with some clouds here and there. She was wandering around Kendall art college, still a new student, fresh out of high school. She wore paint splattered jeans and a red MOMA t-shirt. Her long, straitened black hair was clipped up, and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She was breathing in the fresh air and holding her books against her chest. Then three men in white grabbed her and before she knew what was happening, another was injecting a sedative into her arm.

This makes it seem like they grabbed her in broad daylight. Why didn't anyone notice that these men were kidnapping her?
I like how you described the torture. It wasn't to explicit, but you gave us enough to imagine what it was like. I'm going to go read the rest now...Good job!
Check these out please! :)
Alezrani
Will review for food thread




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Hey :) I thought I might as well stop by for chap 1

Calypso Baros screamed, the sound muffled through the padded white walls of her cell. This was the way it had been for the last six days. Nobody talked to her, nobody acknowledged her. She knew she couldn't hold out much longer. Dr. Royce was going to break her soon. She just couldn't let them know that. She forced the tears to stop, but a few wayward drops rolled down her face. She breathed in shaky intervals. Inhale, exhale, inhale again.

Stay sane shethought to commandedherself. Those two words became something like a mantra to her that month.

She thought of everyone who mattered to her. Her friends,; Danni, Ivy, Alyssa, and Meri. Images of the four of them laughing together flashed through her mind. Her twin siblings,; Helen and Hector, only freshmen in high school. She thought about Cerberus, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel too cute and innocent to live up to his namesake, the cruel, three-headed dog from the underworld. She thought of Jason.

Her lips curved into a small smile, a rare blessing this month. She thought back to that day two months ago, the day of Jason's sister, Calliope’s, wedding. Of course the entire Baros family came, them being friends with they're their family since Calypso could remember. After the ceremony, Jason took her hand and led her into a corner of the Greek Orthodox Church. She had always liked him. Back when they were little, Calypso always wanted to play with Jason instead of prissy Calliope. She was always the only girl at his birthday parties. He took her to a dance in eighth grade, but they stood there, awkwardly. To nevous nervous to even talk. The wedding was the first time he kissed her, and probably the last. She remembered the feel of the kiss as his lips brushed softly against hers. His breath tasted cool and fresh, like mint. With pleasure, Calypso allowed herself to be lost in the magical moment. But it was cut short by Calliope and her new husband wanting to take a picture with the wedding party. She pulled back, embarrassed to have been caught. Roses of embarrassment blossomed in her cheeks. She looked at Jason, hoping he would save her from further humiliation, but seeing him grinning stupidly at her only made the flush spread. The memory made her lips stretched stretch into a smile. But a clang from outside pulled out of her daydream and back into reality, her smile faded, replaced by the thick layer of fear, despair, and most of all, sorrow this is an awful lot of commas for just one sentence. She missed his calls. How was he doing? Did he miss her? Did he think of her as much as she thought of him?

Involuntarily, she thought of her mother. She worried about her, how well could she take the loss of her oldest daughter, and so soon after losing her husband. She wondered how she was holding up? She imagined her mother, laying in bed, sobbing and helpless, her face twisted in anguish, just like when her father died. Only the pain reflected in her eyes was ten times worse. Tears rolled down Calypso’s cheeks.

She almost didn't notice when the padded, one-way door opened. Awkwardly, she laid her head on her lap, trying to wipe the tears away, since she couldn’t use her hands. Her black hair fell over her face like a curtain. When her tears stopped falling, she lifted her head. She expected the person to be one of the guards, but when she saw the man, her blood froze to ice in her veins, and a whimper rose in her throat. He started to laugh, as if her fear entertained him. The sinister sound of his hysterical laugh echoed in the room. The sound its self itselfalmost drove her insane. She squeezed her eyes shut, praying for it to stop. A moment later, the sound ended. Calypso exhaled in relief, but when she opened her eyes and saw him still standing there, her fear returned.

"Ah, beautiful Calypso. Your stronger then I thought. Our boy is halfway to insanity now."

"Well, Dr. Royce, I guess your experiment is over." Calypso hoped she sounded braver than she felt, but she doubted that he missed the quiver in her voice.

He touched her shoulder, and she winced. He was the cruelest man she had ever seen. He was a tall man with piercing blue eyes and shaggy brown hair. He could be considered handsome, but his eyes were as cold and unfeeling as ice. Just staring into his eyes them forlong enough sent frigid chills down Calypso’s spine. He always regarded her as if she was nothing but an interesting specimen, ready for dissections. He circled around the block she was sitting on.

"What do you want, Royce? This is the first time you've have been the one to carry out your own orders."
As if on cue, two of the stronger workers walked in, and Royce undid her straitjacket. The three left hurriedly, and Royce's voice boomed over a speaker.

“You won't need that were your you're going."

Calypso lifted up her hands, staring at them. For the first time since she was taken here, she completely let herself go. She had cried, sobbed even, but this was different. Sobs racked her body painfully, but she didn't even care. Tears rolled down her face in streams, but this time, she could wipe them away.

She remembered the day they brought her here. It was a warm day, with some clouds here and there. She was wandering around Kendall art college, still a new student, fresh out of high school. She wore paint splattered jeans and a red MOMA t-shirt. Her long, straitened black hair was clipped up, and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She was breathing in the fresh air and holding her books against her chest. A white van pulled up, but Calypso didn't think much of it until three men came out and seemed to be studying her. They made her uncomfortable, so she walked a little faster. They seemed to disappear for a while, until Calypso found herself on an isolated part of campus, seemingly the only one there. Then two of the men came grabbed her and before she knew what was happening, another was injecting a sedative into her arm. When she woke up, she was sitting in a chair, confined by a strait jacket, her hair chopped at her chin. Royce came in and told her she was going to be used for an experiment. He said that she and a boy the same age were going to be driven insane, to see what gender lost sanity first. She yelled that he had no right to do this. When she said that, his face clouded over, and he replied that he had every right to. He quickly snapped out of it and his eye's eyes returned to their cold, empty state. When she yelled that no one would ever do that to her, he waved his hand and left her alone. Then next month was hell. Each week brought a new horror. The first week was music torture.

Loud heavy metal music pounding through her head every minute, making her feel like it would explode. The next week was Chinese water torture, and Calypso was not sure how she made it. Drops of ice-cold water dripped on her forehead, that she couldn’t wipe away. Just when she thought she’d crack, it stopped. Then hot water began hitting her forehead. At first the warm water felt pleasant against her frozen brow, but started to burn like acid. Yet, it seemed like some other force was keeping her sane. Which helped with the next one, poison. The workers forced a clear, slippery liquid down her throat. The burning liquid made her sick. So when she wasn't leaning over a small garbage can throwing up, she was laying on the floor in a fever, hallucinating. This past week they had ignored her, not one word had been spoken to her before Royce had come in earlier. They looked right through her as if she wasn't even there, and they completely ignore every word she said. Once again, the mysterious force saved her sanity, and Royce wasn't happy about that. Calypso knew that he was getting impatient, and that this next test would break for her sure. She spent the rest of the day in fear, terrified of Royce. Several hours later, Royce's voice came over the speaker again.

"Time for your next test, Calypso, and you won't win this one.” His voice contained an extra note of smugness that unnerved her. “We’re sending you to a small island in the Aegean Sea. You will keep a journal to let us know the outcome. You’re departing tomorrow.”


This clears up a lot of the confusion I had from reading the second part first (my fault) There were minimal errors in this, and I love the mad scientist character and the whole idea.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Hey there!

First off, I have to say, I really like this. Good premise, good voice. The first paragraph really hooked me.

Probably the biggest problem here is that you stop every once in a while to give backdrop, instead of hitting us immediately with action, which is what will keep us reading. For example, her thinking about her friends, Jason, her parents. All good characterization tools, but wrongly placed. First, we need to know the extent of her predicament. We need to know her imminent danger. We need to know her, and we need to care. I'd slip this stuff in second chapter at the earliest. Right now, we want to know what's happening now.

and he replied that he had every right to.


How does he have this right, or think he has this right? This can't even be legal, no matter who gives their assent, so I doubt even her parents signed a slip saying this. In fact, she's legally an adult, so they couldn't if they wanted to. If this kind of thing was allowed, I'd say the best legal way to get it done were if she gave her own consent.

Also, why are they doing this? If it's a scientific experiment, I doubt the guy is completely insane - well, completely. There's probably also a reason why he's doing it. I'd like to know a little more about that. Also, if they're trying to prove male vs. female endurance/strength/whatever, then they couldn't only use two random people. For all they know, one of them's on drugs and the other's built a poison endurance. I mean, I'm sure they do more research than that, but generally when testing minorities like this, they do crowds of hundreds, maybe thousands. Just a thought.

And finally, I like the ending. Getting dropped on an island, told to live. Simple, yet effective. Of course, how you carry this out has a lot to do with the overall originality of this, but the way you leave us now, there are so many possibilities that even if I find the "alone on an island" thing overdone, I'm still compelled to see where you take this. So good job.

Overall, this is really good. I love the plot, and with a few minor fixes, I won't be able to find any glaring mistakes. So good job.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall