Conceptual

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(So this was a short story I wrote, well, sort of randomly today. I'm not sure if it has a point, as I wrote it on a spur of the moment thing with an idea from seeing a long hair stuck in the metal bit of a seat belt, but I like it. Might enter it for the book thing that's in the works. So, yes, tell me what you think if you would.)

Tom Varner was a pretty normal kid. He got A’s in history, B’s in science and English, and C’s in math. He dressed in whatever he could find at Target, Wal-Mart, or a thrift store. He stayed out of trouble by not getting involved; he didn’t listen to gossip (of course what normal guy did?) and he didn’t bother with doing something idiotic like defending the weak or being a bully.
And now he was sitting in the back of a gray station wagon, wondering how the heck he ended up here. His sight was caught on a single hair, however, as he completely ignored the gas station to his left and the dark-haired man in the driver’s seat of the car. It was a blonde hair, belonging to his most recent caseworker, Joanne, he assumed.
He could only frown.
Seconds later, the door popped open and closed. Joanne was seated back in the car. He could easily imagine her face as she chattered happily with Derrick, the dark-haired man and his latest foster father, and how Derrick must see her in her swanky pinstriped suit and her low-cut blouse.
“Do you want chips or some of this orange soda?” she asked, glancing back at him. Her too-bright teeth were on full display, her blue eyes too wide, and her dyed-blonde hair so tightly held back it seemed glued to her skull.
He shifted back in his seat automatically, moving away and closer to his door. “I’m perfectly fine, thank you.”
She just nodded and turned back around. “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it? I mean, this has been the first sign of civilization in—how far has it been, Derrick?”
“Ten miles, according to the GPS, since that farm we passed,” Derrick responded.
“Isn’t that great?” He couldn’t help but notice her tone of voice said she thought it was absolutely horrible. Of course, he could be imagining things. But going from how her, with her shiny earrings and upbeat and uptown-girl way of speaking, it would be no surprise if she wasn’t happy.
She fit in with the brown grass, falling apart gas station, and barb wire fence across the way just as well as Derrick, the station wagon, or him, the city-slicker boy being sent out for rehab or whatever they called it these days. He sort of remembered it having a bright, sunny name.
“Answer Joanne, son,” Derrick chided him, while looking back at him in the rearview mirror.
He felt something twist in his gut and an acidic taste came to his tongue. “It’s wonderful.” He met his eyes. “Not that you’d care. This is just a way for you to get rid of me.”
“Thomas!” Derrick sounded scandalized, eyes darting to Joanne immediately. “I’m doing no such thing.”
He let out a snort and rested his chin on his arm, which lay swung across the length of the window edge, pressed against the glass. “I’m sure.”
“Remember that Derrick and his wife took you in, Tom. Think about it. If it weren’t for them, you’d be out on the streets.”
I highly doubt that. “I just feel sort of like I’m being kicked to the curb,” he said, in his most pitiful voice.
Joanne let out a whiny coo. “Oh, it’s all right. No one is abandoning you. We just want you to have the best adult life possible. You’re pushing sixteen, Tom. You’ll be off on your own sooner or later—and you’ll want to make it into a college, get a job, get married, all that. This is just one of the steps that will help with that.
I’m sure. He didn’t say it aloud this time. Nonetheless, he felt like saying it. Saying that and saying something worse to her, actually. He was actually contemplating spitting on her.
“Okay.”
He looked back out the window, watching as the gas station disappeared from view—cars grinding against the gravel.
“Don’t clam up, Tom. You have to admit this is your best choice.”
Do I? Do I really?
“I don’t see how it is.”
“You will, sooner or later.”
He felt a chill race down his spine at that, and he hugged his backpack closer to his stomach—not even minding the feel of hard bindings pressing against his ribs. He moved until he was practically molded against it.
“I hope so.” He meant that. He couldn’t help it. He did hope so. He hoped things would get better for him; he really did. He just didn’t know how.
“Just think about how amazing it will be to be around kids your age again, Tom.”
“I don’t recall any happy memories.”
He could practically feel Joanne’s wince. He was mildly proud that this seemed to shut her up for a moment; keep her from continuing her stupid, little happy talks that meant nothing.
He glanced up, to see the sky faintly, see the clouded roof of the equally stupid cow town they were driving through.
“Just try, Tom. I’m sure if you actually try and keep a good attitude—get out of your shell a bit more and, you know, talk—you’ll make plenty of friends.”
“My last friend was stabbed in the back.” He saw her shoulders tense, as if he had a knife poised behind her seat. “Don’t you remember?”
“I remember.” She hugged herself, chip bag crinkling where it had to be, lying in her lap. “And you’ll have a new therapist where we’re going to help you with that.”
He now had a new hope. He thoroughly hoped she got zits where she’d just touched her shoulders.
“Have you ever tried to split that word in two?” he asked.
And then there was more silence.
He couldn’t completely hold back his stirrings of hope, however. They filtered through his system like poison. He couldn’t help but hope he’d get treated normally, that things would be normal. That everything would be okay.
Just looking out at the field of morning glories made him want to punch himself in the face, because it aided the feelings—feelings he wished would go away. He didn’t need them. He didn’t want them. He wanted to keep apart from it all. And now he was wishing to be back in the midst of it all, if only slightly. He didn’t need that. He especially didn’t need a bunch of flowers on a hillside practically yelling at him; yelling him his day was going to get better.
He sighed huffily and just buried his face in his backpack. His brain just worked at processing as the zipper dug into his cheek. Joanne and Derrick were up front, meekly talking—which threw off his focus—but he tried. He attempted to make sense of it all, one more time.
But it was only a few minutes later, minutes to him at least, when the car pulled to a stop.
“We’re here!” Joanne seemed too cheery once more; maybe more happy than she had been previously, whether the emotion was real or fake.
“Great.” He knew he sounded like the average delinquent. But you put up with enough and people just got annoying; their voices too sharp, too loud, same as everything else about them. And they didn’t understand, but claimed to.
With that last thought, most of the hopeful, happy feelings died down. The sight of a bunch of kids, already up and eating breakfast and a smaller group working a horse was enough to make him sick. Didn’t anyone realize they were just doing that because they knew it was easier than rebelling? It didn’t help them; it just made them lazy.
He blinked sleepily, not sure if he should be so judgmental, and he glanced up at Joanne, who was suddenly standing where his door was.
“What did you do?” he asked, not too forcefully as he stared at her.
“I opened the door.”
He yawned.
“And we should really talk about that comment you made with your new therapist. It seemed like a deflection technique; a crude, crass one, but one all the same.”
“Huh?”
He glanced at his watch, to see the time of nine o’clock, and he just decided that it was just too early to make sense of Joanne, in general.
“I’m hungry. Can we have breakfast?” he asked quietly, glancing around at the people who seemed far too bent on crowing the car.
“Sure.” Joanne now sounded sad.
What is that about? Shouldn’t she be happy I haven’t decided to starve myself or something insane? He just shook his head. It was far too early to make sense of that woman, or any women in general.

(Thanks for reading.)
My SPD senses are tingling.




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Well okay then. Let's see if I can do a good job of reviewing.

Cspr wrote:(So this was a short story I wrote, well, sort of randomly today. I'm not sure if it has a point, as I wrote it on a spur of the moment thing with an idea from seeing a long hair stuck in the metal bit of a seat belt, but I like it. Might enter it for the book thing that's in the works. So, yes, tell me what you think if you would.)

Tom Varner was a pretty normal kid. He got A’s in history, B’s in science and English, and C’s in math. He dressed in whatever he could find at Target, Wal-Mart, or a thrift store. He stayed out of trouble by not getting involved; he didn’t listen to gossip (of course what normal guy did?) and he didn’t bother with doing something idiotic like defending the weak or being a bully. - No. There are thousands of stories out there about average, normal kids who don't care about their looks and get C's in math and don't want to get involved. My best friend drowned in a sea of average, normal kids who don't care about their looks and get C's in math and don't want to get involved. Now that's not to say that having Tom here be absurdly popular and handsome would be any better, and neither would making him a social recluse who's only friend doesn't even know they're friends. No, what would be good is to get rid of this paragraph. Just get rid of it. There is absolutely nothing it adds to the story. No one wants to know about his grades, about where he shops, about what he's like when it comes to gossip and bullies. What you want to do with a short story is to dive headlong into the plot, to send it hurtling through a highway. What this paragraph is is a sign at the front and people will see it but what they will be reading is "blah blah cliche same character as in every single other story why should I care"
And now he was sitting in the back of a gray station wagon, wondering how the heck he ended up here. His sight was caught on a single hair, however, as he completely ignored the gas station to his left and the dark-haired man in the driver’s seat of the car. It was a blonde hair, belonging to his most recent caseworker, Joanne, he assumed.
He could only frown.
Seconds later, the door popped open and closed. Joanne was seated back in the car. He could easily imagine her face as she chattered happily with Derrick, the dark-haired man and his latest foster father, and how Derrick must see her in her swanky pinstriped suit and her low-cut blouse. - This whole paragraph is just worded awkwardly.
“Do you want chips or some of this orange soda?” she asked, glancing back at him. Her too-bright teeth were on full display, her blue eyes too wide, and her dyed-blonde hair so tightly held back it seemed glued to her skull.
He shifted back in his seat automatically, moving away and closer to his door. “I’m perfectly fine, thank you.”
She just nodded and turned back around. “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it? I mean, this has been the first sign of civilization in—how far has it been, Derrick?”
“Ten miles, according to the GPS, since that farm we passed,” Derrick responded. - All of the dialogue just sounds awkward and forced. People don't talk like this.
“Isn’t that great?” He couldn’t help but notice her tone of voice said she thought it was absolutely horrible. Of course, he could be imagining things. But going from how her, with her shiny earrings and upbeat and uptown-girl way of speaking, it would be no surprise if she wasn’t happy. - "He couldn't help but notice her tone of voice said she thought it was absolutely horrible" Get rid of this sentence. First, saying that her tone of voice said something is just awkward, as is most of the conversation here, and just saying tone instead of tone of voice would be fine. Second, it feels like it was written this way just to point out that he noticed it. What, is he some hyper-competent kid genius whom nobody understands, that picks up the subtlest details that everyone else misses? No, he's an average, normal kid who doesn't care about his looks, gets C's in math and doesn't get involved. It'd be better to just say ' "Isn't that great?" she said unconvincingly', or something along those lines. Now, what is wrong with this sentence: "But going from how her, with her shiny earrings and upbeat and uptown-girl way of speaking, it would be no surprise if she wasn't happy"? What happened to it? You start out with "but going from how her", go on a tangent, and then never come back. Going from how her what? This sentence is stillborn, but even if it wasn't it would still be a pretty terrible kid. Again, you're using like twenty words to say what can be said in ten, and in the process it gets tangled up and strangled by it's own umbilical cord.

She fit in with the brown grass, falling apart gas station, and barb wire fence across the way just as well as Derrick, the station wagon, or him, the city-slicker boy being sent out for rehab or whatever they called it these days. He sort of remembered it having a bright, sunny name. - We already went over this. Tom is not a city slicker, he's not cool or street smart or able to take care of himself. He is an average, normal kid who doesn't care about his looks, gets C's in math and doesn't get involved. Also, I think you might be the first person to unironically use the term city slicker since the 1964.
“Answer Joanne, son,” Derrick chided him, while looking back at him in the rearview mirror.
He felt something twist in his gut and an acidic taste came to his tongue. “It’s wonderful.” He met his eyes. “Not that you’d care. This is just a way for you to get rid of me.” Of course any average, normal kid who doesn't care about his looks, gets C's in math and doesn't get involved isn't complete without a healthy serving of angst.
“Thomas!” Derrick sounded scandalized, eyes darting to Joanne immediately. “I’m doing no such thing.” Derrick, which, might I add, is a terrible name for both a character and a person, sounds less like an antagonistic foster father who has the gall to adopt a child in need and more like a housewife.
He let out a snort and rested his chin on his arm, which lay swung across the length of the window edge, pressed against the glass. “I’m sure.” aaaaaangst
“Remember that Derrick and his wife took you in, Tom. Think about it. If it weren’t for them, you’d be out on the streets.”
I highly doubt that. “I just feel sort of like I’m being kicked to the curb,” he said, in his most pitiful voice.
Joanne let out a whiny coo. “Oh, it’s all right. No one is abandoning you. We just want you to have the best adult life possible. You’re pushing sixteen, Tom. You’ll be off on your own sooner or later—and you’ll want to make it into a college, get a job, get married, all that. This is just one of the steps that will help with that. Jesus tap dancing Christ that dialogue is forced. I just can't imagine anyone actually sounding or talking like this. It being bad isn't even the worst part, to be honest. The worst part is knowing that you tired, by god you tried to make it sound casual and free but it just ended up being more painful to read.
I’m sure. He didn’t say it aloud this time. Nonetheless, he felt like saying it. Saying that and saying something worse to her, actually. He was actually contemplating spitting on her. You can tell he's edgy and doesn't care because he thinks about saying mean things to people.
“Okay.”
He looked back out the window, watching as the gas station disappeared from view—cars grinding against the gravel.
“Don’t clam up, Tom. You have to admit this is your best choice.”
Do I? Do I really?
“I don’t see how it is.”
“You will, sooner or later.” - Is she supposed to be sounding mean and antagonizing in this sentence? Because all I can see is some poor woman trying to do her job and getting fed up with this ungrateful a**
He felt a chill race down his spine at that, and he hugged his backpack closer to his stomach—not even minding the feel of hard bindings pressing against his ribs. He moved until he was practically molded against it.
“I hope so.” He meant that. He couldn’t help it. He did hope so. He hoped things would get better for him; he really did. He just didn’t know how.
“Just think about how amazing it will be to be around kids your age again, Tom.”
“I don’t recall any happy memories.”
He could practically feel Joanne’s wince. He was mildly proud that this seemed to shut her up for a moment; keep her from continuing her stupid, little happy talks that meant nothing.
He glanced up, to see the sky faintly, see the clouded roof of the equally stupid cow town they were driving through.
“Just try, Tom. I’m sure if you actually try and keep a good attitude—get out of your shell a bit more and, you know, talk—you’ll make plenty of friends.”
“My last friend was stabbed in the back.” He saw her shoulders tense, as if he had a knife poised behind her seat. “Don’t you remember?” What? What? This comes out of nowhere. And I mean out of nowhere. Now I can see you trying to put a twist into the story, but at the very least hint at the fact that he's actually got some problems and isn't just a hormone driven angst machine like all teens in short stories.
“I remember.” She hugged herself, chip bag crinkling where it had to be, lying in her lap. “And you’ll have a new therapist where we’re going to help you with that.” All I can think of is how bad I feel for the woman having to put up with this. She sounds like she's terrified for her life, and I don't blame her. Note: It reflects poorly on you when the antagonist of your story is more sympathetic than the protagonist.
He now had a new hope. He thoroughly hoped she got zits where she’d just touched her shoulders. Really? What teen has ever thought of "zits" as an appropriate punishment for anyone, least of all someone they show so much contempt for? At least be creative. Maybe say boils or some skin disease.
“Have you ever tried to split that word in two?” he asked. Haha.
And then there was more silence.
He couldn’t completely hold back his stirrings of hope, however. They filtered through his system like poison. He couldn’t help but hope he’d get treated normally, that things would be normal. You know people tend to treat others more normally when they act normally, as opposed to being all angst and hopelessness and crap. And you know, I was just about to correct myself, because I remembered that he's not normal, his best friend was stabbed. But then I realized that the problem is I forgot in the first place. Something so heavy shouldn't be so easily forgotten. But here it's practically a throwaway gag, to be completely forgotten about later.That everything would be okay.
Just looking out at the field of morning glories made him want to punch himself in the face(I'd happily do it for him), because it aided the feelings—feelings he wished would go away. He didn’t need them. He didn’t want them. He wanted to keep apart from it all. And now he was wishing to be back in the midst of it all, if only slightly. He didn’t need that. He especially didn’t need a bunch of flowers on a hillside practically yelling at him; yelling him his day was going to get better.
He sighed huffily and just buried his face in his backpack. His brain just worked at processing as the zipper dug into his cheek. Joanne and Derrick were up front, meekly talking—which threw off his focus—but he tried. He attempted to make sense of it all, one more time.
But it was only a few minutes later, minutes to him at least, when the car pulled to a stop.
“We’re here!” Joanne seemed too cheery once more; maybe more happy than she had been previously, whether the emotion was real or fake.
“Great.” He knew he sounded like the average delinquent. But you put up with enough and people just got annoying; their voices too sharp, too loud, same as everything else about them. And they didn’t understand, but claimed to. It makes me cringe every time a teen says "they don't understand". Now, again, this kid definitely has something not a lot of people can understand, but again still, it's basically a throwaway gag and so I'm going to treat him like another angst machine. Why don't they understand? Has it ever occurred to these teens that "they" used to be teens too, and that they used to be angst machines, and that they eventually grew up and realized how dumb they were at that age?
With that last thought, most of the hopeful, happy feelings died down. The sight of a bunch of kids, already up and eating breakfast and a smaller group working a horse was enough to make him sick. Didn’t anyone realize they were just doing that because they knew it was easier than rebelling? It didn’t help them; it just made them lazy. Jesus Christ this kid's a creep. I bet he listens to nothing but indie music and immediately deletes bands from his ipod the second he hears someone else mention them. The only thing I can see is him yelling at them and calling them sheep, without realizing that maybe there's nothing to rebel against and that some people just enjoy grazing at grass.
He blinked sleepily, not sure if he should be so judgmental, and he glanced up at Joanne, who was suddenly standing where his door was.
“What did you do?” he asked, not too forcefully as he stared at her.
“I opened the door.”
He yawned.
“And we should really talk about that comment you made with your new therapist. It seemed like a deflection technique; a crude, crass one, but one all the same.”
“Huh?”
He glanced at his watch, to see the time of nine o’clock, and he just decided that it was just too early to make sense of Joanne, in general.
“I’m hungry. Can we have breakfast?” he asked quietly, glancing around at the people who seemed far too bent on crowing the car.
“Sure.” Joanne now sounded sad.
What is that about? Shouldn’t she be happy I haven’t decided to starve myself or something insane? He just shook his head. It was far too early to make sense of that woman, or any women in general.

(Thanks for reading.)


Ugh. I've been having a rough day.




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First off, I want to make a comment to affablearmadillo. You probably have had a hard day, doesnt mean you have to be so mean to the kid. Your comments were extremely harsh, and yes, YWS is about giving critiques, but yours mainly trashed much of the story and you didnt give any supporting comments to how he can improve his writing and fix it up. You don't have to like the piece, and you could have stated that, but do not keep trashing it over and over again because it is critisism like that that makes people give up.

And now, to your actual review Cspr. (:

There was one thing I noticed that happened frequently through out your story and basically, you would talk about Derrick in some case or other, or how Joanne was talking to Derrick or something and then you would go back to Tom. That is all good but what you tended to do was talk about Derrick and then when doing to back to Tom, you would used 'he' or 'him' or something like that. Instantly, the reader would think you were still talking about Derrick, but really you were talking about Tom and it would bring in a bit of confusion. I will pull out an example of this;
“Thomas!” Derrick sounded scandalized, eyes darting to Joanne immediately. “I’m doing no such thing.”

He let out a snort and rested his chin on his arm, which lay swung across the length of the window edge, pressed against the glass. “I’m sure.”

Yes, you started with a new paragaph but I kind of thought maybe it was talking about Derrick letting out that snort until I actually got to the dialogue again. I was fairly confused. You did this throughout your piece but it can be easily fixed. Use Tom's name more, especially at the beginning of new paragraphs and you are talking about him. It will make things easier for comprehension.

The other thing I really want to highlight also, and affablearmadilo touched on it a bit, was the fact of his last best friend being stabbed in the back. You brought that up at a good spot, and I commend you because up until then I was wondering why he had a caseworker and such and it kept me reading, but what I want to tell you is that you let it die so easily. That is the main reason why your character is so sardonic and you cant let that go away so quickly or else the reader may filter out that detail. I would suggest showing a bit more emotion, more of a reaction, maybe a small description of the scene or getting the news, or something. Emphasize it.

Then there is also the fact of the phrasing; 'my best friend got stabbed in the back'. That is often used as a metaphorical phrase and I thought it was being used that way in this case for a little while until I caught on and realized this was the actual truth. I would suggest making his friend have a different sort of death, or maybe just say got stabbed, or maybe even just say he died. Because stabbing doesnt necessarily mean you are going to die, and when you say in the back, I instantly think betrayal. Rephrase that maybe to establish a better understanding.

Next thing I want to mention is the idea of your characterization. I kind of like the feeling of how Joanne seemed awfully fake at points, which is a good thing, though I want to talk more about Thomas. He was very sarcastic, which is good, but you kind of over did the angst and woe-is-me-ness at points. If he really strived to be normal, then he would try to push away the horrible feelings he got. Basically he seems like the average moody teenager. I would suggest trying to make him more unique. Try to make him a bit different then any character you have ever read about. Strive for something different.

The third last thing I want to mention is that I believe you need to get a bit more descriptions and imagery in so that the reader can get a better picture. You did well with Joanne, so you can keep that for more of an example for the rest, but mainly you were lacking a bit in the descriptions of Derrick, Thomas and the settings, especially the rehabillitation centre. Just try to weave a couple more details in here or there. I understand how it may be tricky for Thomas, but you did write this in third person, so you do have the chance to get some more details in without it really standing out and being unusual and static.

I also want to mention your dialogue. It is decent in a sense, but I believe you could make it a bit better and less static. Make it more fitting for the situation, make it believable. Don't make it feel almost like one of those cheesy soap operas with the horrible acting. Thats kind of what it feels like. When you write dialogue, base things off of what you would say or other people you know would. It makes it a bit easier, and you also can infuse more characterization in there.

The last thing I want to talk to you about is your beginning and your ending. For your beginning, you have to catch the readers attention. The intro you got is basically alright, not fantatic or amazing. Basically you need to work on the hook a bit more. Your ending needs to be a bit stronger. Basically it was mildly confusing and I didnt really know what to think especially with the random unhappiness of the fake and bubbly blonde. Maybe try to figure out a way to make the story more impacting with a solid ending.

Overall, it was a well written piece, and I mildly enjoyed it. I hope to see more of your work. If you have any questions, just ask. (:
~Incognito
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'



I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara