Defeat the Darkness - chapter one

The pure shadows have been waiting in secrecy for over five hundred million years. Now that it has finally been born into this world there are only fifteen years left of waiting, fifteen years before they can unite and cleanse all souls, before they can wash away the darkness that has threatened to reign for so long, before a battle so great. The Underworld rebellion.



Imagine a life followed by shadows, imprinted in every memory, appearing in every photo, not one with a human body. Imagine you dream of them when you are asleep, that when night falls you can sense them watching you, plotting something so deep and significant that you are frightened by it. Now put yourself into Zira's mind, without knowing who she is, without asking questions and let go of the shadows you just envisioned. The shadows will still be there, because that is the life she lives.

The pure shadows know that Zira has a broken genetic disorder which gives her inhuman abilities unknown to her and even the pure shadows. They know that there is a slight ridge in the left side of her brain which allows her life force to escape, creating a passage for shadows. No doctor would know this, to everybody else she is perfectly normal, just like anybody else. Not to the pure shadows. She is the very first of her kind, the only one powerful enough to confront and defeat the darkness. The only being to ever contain unknown knowledge.



He watched her under the cover of the night. She stirred in her sleep revealing a face covered by a mass of tangled flame red curls. She was a good choice, their only choice. He silently opened the window - not that he needed to, but he had to conserve energy for what he was about to do - and stepped inside. He walked over to the side of her bed and gently placed his pale fingers over her closed eyes.

He was sending a flow of energy containing countless thoughts, memories and knowledge. Thoughts and memories that would make people believe her to be insane, create more reasons for her near disappearance and knowledge of what was to come, to prepare her. He lifted his fingers away and looked at her face one last time, she was frowning. Good, it had worked.

"You and I both know she could defeat them single-handedly, blindfolded and wounded. She won't be needing us or our knowledge until Samhain."
He turned. It was only Ash.
"Nobody knows that, we can't even prove if she has any abilities at all, we won't sense it until the Awakening." He retorted sharply.
"Then we will just have to wait and see then, won't we?" Ash replied before disappearing into the night.


He remained in the room, watching over her till the sun rose.

Hey Tinkembell!

I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you

So, for a first chapter, I think you did well in making me want to read on. You let me in on just enough of the plot, that I want to know the whole of it.

I do have a few nit-piks;

Now that it has finally been born into this world there are only fifteen years left of waiting, fifteen years before they can unite and cleanse all souls, before they can wash away the darkness that has threatened to reign for so long, before a battle so great.

Okay, this is a really long sentence. I'd suggest splitting it up into smaller, easier to read, sentences.

E.g -

'Now that it has finally been born into this world there are only fifteen years left of waiting. Fifteen years before they can unite and cleanse all souls. Before they can wash away the darkness that has threatened to reign for so long. Before a battle so great. '

No doctor would know this, to everybody else she is perfectly normal, just like anybody else.

I think this sentence would look better written like this;

'No doctor would know this; to everybody else she is perfectly normal, just like anybody else.'

knowledge of what was to come, to prepare her.

This would read better as seperate sentences. Change the comma to a full stop.

He lifted his fingers away and looked at her face one last time, she was frowning.

This would read better if you either -

a) Changed the comma after 'time' to a full stop and split the sentence into two.

or

b) Re-write it to something along the lines of -

'He lifted his fingers away and looked at her face one last time to see that she was frowning.'

He turned.

Maybe you could describe how he turns. Does he turn quickly? Slowly? Wearily?

"Nobody knows that, we can't even prove if she has any abilities at all, we won't sense it until the Awakening."

Again, I think this should be split into smaller chunks.

Overall, you managed to make me want to read on, which is good I guess We don't know much about any of the characters yet, except that the girl, Zira, has special powers. But that's what the second and third chapters are for

I hope this review helps you. Thanks for the read!

xDudettex

Hey there Tinkembell, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review.

*Edit: looks like Dudette beat me to posting a review. I'm not going to change anything I said, so I apologize for any repeats of her critique.

You've got an interesting start here. It's got a detached, mysterious feeling, which is fine, but can get a little confusing, especially in your first paragraph, like here:

Now that it has finally been born into this world there are only fifteen years left of waiting, fifteen years before they can unite and cleanse all souls, before they can wash away the darkness that has threatened to reign for so long, before a battle so great.

I think you're trying to go for a very serious, meaningful sound, but right now I'm just confused and a little out of breath. I feel like you've given so much that we don't know about yet and kept it so vague that it's hard to understand.

The pure shadows know that Zira has a broken genetic disorder which gives her inhuman abilities unknown to her and even the pure shadows.

This is contradictory; you say that they know she has abilities that they don't know about.

Something I noticed throughout your story was a lack of proper punctuation. You have a lot of run-on sentences and don't place any semicolons ( ; ) or periods where they need to be, to give a natural pause. The best way to find where those spots are is to read aloud your work, and hopefully you'll be able to hear where you should pause. For example, with this sentence:

He lifted his fingers away and looked at her face one last time, she was frowning.

There should be a semicolon after time, instead of a comma. Then there will be more of a pause to emphasize the fact that she's frowning after his intervention.

"Nobody knows that, we can't even prove if she has any abilities at all, we won't sense it until the Awakening." He retorted sharply.

Ah, dialogue punctuation. Such a tricky thing. I'd like you to take a look at this link that explains when to capitalize, when to put commas in, and many other things.

Okay, so that's all I have to say. I think you've got a good start, you just need to clear some things up and not leave it so mysterious that the reader's frustrated and doesn't know what's going on.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:

Now this is a story I'll have fun reading. I believe that you put in just enough to capture anyone who reads this. Besides the things already mentioned in other posts, I think that you mostly have everything set so far. Being able to put a picture in my mind to see everything that's happening is a crucial skill if you want people to read this. Without it, it'll be tough to keep your readers. If you can keep up the good work, I feel like this book will be loves by anyone and everyone who reads it.

Defeat the darkness is a story that will have someone hooked from the first paragraph. It is interesting and draws the reader into the story, making them leave reality and enter a new world, a world where all you knew was what you were reading.
The very first paragraph made the reader want to know what would happen next. It was well written and left the reader wanting more.
After that, the next paragraph made the reader connect with the main character, which is something that makes the reader read more and keeps them interested in the story.
The final paragraphs were well structured and were very interesting. They gave the reader an idea about what may happen yet not give the story away. It will be interesting to see where you take this. I can hardly wait to read the rest.