A Winter Walk [EDITED]

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WaitingForLife
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Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:15 am
WaitingForLife says... · Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:15 am
Crisp scent of bitter chill
Crackle of frost broken
Small tracks of padded feet
Treading the steepest route

Young pride truly foolish
The eager sniff of nose
Quick snort when cold invades
Muzzle buried in snow

Adventure awaits her
Behind every found smell
Life itself is one huge
Playground without a fear

A twitch of cautious ear
Familiar noise heard
Glance around swiftly now
Look for the source of sound

Tail erect and eyes wide
Utter bewilderment
From whence it origins
A whisper in the wind

Petite head arises
From the white-ish blanket
No ice to hamper tone
This time the voice is loud

Sharp eyes lock onto source
Tail wagging back and forth
A brief moment of lull
Then bounding leaps through white

Questioning look from 'hind
Icy lashes and grin
I reach down and ruffle
Her sugar-coated fur


Inspiration found while taking our dog (well, puppy really) out for a walk. It's a bit rough so please comment with suggestions, I'd really like to improve my poetry. Hope you liked it! :)
Last edited by WaitingForLife on Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:40 am, edited 2 times in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Macs
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Sun Jan 23, 2011 6:37 am
Macs says... · Sun Jan 23, 2011 6:37 am
I liked this quite a bit, but I found a certain lack of flow because of the five-line, four-line, five-line stanzas. Also, as one point you say
They'll protect me.

and I'm left there thinking, Who? Who will protect me? Who is me? Where did this come from? I think that line could just be taken out of there.
I like the descriptions of the dog's movements and the way you make short, clipped sentences - as though the dog is describing what's happening with his/her shortened attention span, as in
A twitch of cautious ear
Familiar noise heard
Glance around swiftly now
Look for the source of sound

Yes, there are a few little things I would change to make the flow better, but in general I enjoyed the poem.
Good luck with your advances in poetry!
-Molly
My name is Molly. Call me Molly.
My favorite colour is orange.
My favorite band is the White Stripes.
My favorite literature is good literature.
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WaitingForLife
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Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:35 am
WaitingForLife says... · Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:35 am
Hey, thanks for the review! :)

Yeah, I figured myself that the 4-5-4-5 stanzas might cut the flow, but I felt like trying it out. Now I'll delete that and just go with 4 lines. ^^

Thanks for the encouragement, it's much appreciated. :)
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
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Quote




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mystiquevander
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Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:17 am
mystiquevander says... · Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:17 am
I love the imagery in this poem, it really took me far! I can tell this was written with a more surreal touch than most pieces, and I enjoyed it because you executed it well. The only complaint I have was with one word, yeah that's right, one word! Lol. It just really through me off and felt like it didn't fit at all and it was 'white-ish'. Other than that, I thought this was a great piece! Looking forward to reading more of your writing in the future!
'Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia' - E.L. Doctorow.
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WaitingForLife
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Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:34 pm
WaitingForLife says... · Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:34 pm
Thankyou so much for the comment! :)
I'll think of a better word than "white-ish" if it was indeed the only thing you saw it lacked. :P
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
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brokeninpieces
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Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:05 pm
brokeninpieces says... · Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:05 pm
I liked it a lot, but there's really no flow. If people have said this already sorry, I haven't read the comments yet. But the imagery is awesome, and your dog sounds cute.
In the end, love always wins.
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writers pen
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Thu Jan 27, 2011 6:44 am
writers pen says... · Thu Jan 27, 2011 6:44 am
It’s a good story, but the word choice is not great. It snowed just recently on my property, and my dog, Jessica, acts similar to the way the dog in the poem acts. You described it wonderfully; i could really see what was happening to the dog. but it does lack a excitement but its poetry. Next time add more words and think of more creative words. Remember, your poem is good but it could be better, i like the theme though.
like a wise man once said "hmm"
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WaitingForLife
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Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:25 pm
WaitingForLife says... · Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:25 pm
Hey, thanks for the critique! :)

Yeah, haha, wrote this in like 20 minutes to kill time in the morning. :P But I liked it and wanted to see if you people of YWS liked it too. ^^ I'll remember your tips next time I write poetry!

|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
◥▶◀◤
Quote

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When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
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