Love III (Masks)

Spoiler

This is the third part in a series.
Part One
Part Two
Part Four
All parts are meant to be in the same voice, but not necessarily chronological.

Turn on the lights, darling.
I want you to see your image
stitched across the lines of my face.
Pull up the blinds, too.
That way the neighbors can whisper as they watch us
destroy everything that matters.

The dog, the kids, the 5/8 inch grass out in the yard—
with each one we ran painted fingers over our skin,
hoping we could trick the mirror into
forgetting the faces that wanted us to become writers and dancers.

At night you realize what you've done, when your back is to me
and your tears carve tiny canyons through the bright paint.
You always wait until you think I'm asleep.
What you've never realized is that I stay up to cry with you.

You get the washbasin, I'll get the cloth.
We'll clean each other down to the salt that coats our faces,
and I'll kiss you as I uncover each
forgotten scar and birthmark.

Then finally,
with our dreams intertwined,
we'll step across that threshold
and remember what it's like to feel the sun on our skin.

Let’s see what we can do with this, Shadyface.

In your first stanza, I had an issue with flow. Your second line introduces this instance where I nearly stumbled over the phrasing, “I want you to be able to see your image”. For me, it’s the “to be able” that kills it. So, when we experiment and try to change this around, we end up with a fluid phrase such as, “I want you to see your image stitched across the lines of my face.” And really, if you want to take that advice further, play around with the use of the word ‘stitched’. In a sentence relatively lacking crisp ‘t’ sounds, ‘stitched’ delivers a mouthful in one syllable.

You need a comma between “blinds” and “too”.

There’s something grinding at me about the usage of “misery-sealed”, but I can’t put my finger on it. The thing is, I’m fairly sure I’m rather guilty of using the same formula at times, but it just is not flying for me. Also, try changing “the” to “this”. Make it more personable. And really, the changing of that article makes “misery-sealed” less abrasive to me. There. Just change the article, unless another reviewer makes a note. (Other reviewers, what do you think?)

I want to give you particular praise for the first line of stanza two. Particularly zooming in on the “5/8 inch grass out in the yard;” deal. I like seeing a tad bit of OCD in a poem like this; however, others may feel differently. OCD details can derail a piece for some, but I say keep it. Personally, I would change the semi-colon at the end of this line to a “—“ for the sake of being closer to grammatical precision. The rationale is that the first line is not a completed thought in and of itself. Again, that’s just me being obsessive.

Line two, negate the use of “swath” (kudos for using swath), is rather bland in its phrasing. This is a dilemma for me because it gives the proper imagery with the right amount of detail; I just think that it lacks in that brilliant phrasing you know you’re capable of. Line three comes rather abruptly with the “That way,” you throw in. The reason this flounders a tad bit is because you don’t set it up with a command or action—merely the perception of the dog/kids/grass being paint on your skin. This line doesn’t need to leave, however; it needs to be rephrased. Set it up appropriately, because the concept [i[behind[/i] the phrase is brilliant and haunting (Consider my “apprehension of age” comment in chat). Also, try freshening up the word “look”.

Oust the comma between “disparity” and “when”. The end of line three comes rather abruptly to me, and I’d suggest you try reading it aloud to yourself while reviewing. While the action she’s implied waiting for is crying (and stated in the next line), it’s segmented from that particular phrase, and it digs a notch into the continuity. My suggestion is to combine the last two lines of this stanza. Try a “, but” or something along those lines. There’s another flow issue I have in line four. You seem to lose your flow in the gravely syntax. Try morphing around your phrasing to eliminate that rocky effect. “but you’ve never realized that I stay up to cry with you.” Also, the word ‘realized’ is rather heavy in this sentence of one- and two-syllable words. Experiment. Find your happy place.

I don’t like the use of ‘washbasin’ in line one because you use ‘wash’ on the next line. Try simply ‘basin’ or change the noun completely, or just change ‘wash’ in the next line. Line two skims under the radar for me. I feel like it should be significant, but it’s not. Lines three and four made me raise an eyebrow, Slim Shady. The concept of a drunken father is relatable only to a point made in Love II (Rebellion). In this piece, it seems random and misplaced. So there are two paths to take this—path one being the route of a trio of poems, in which this would perhaps make more sense, and path two being the route of a standalone poem, in which this needs to leave/change/be set-up for.

Stanza five. It’s the conclusion, but it feels very empty and thin. I think that you can substantiate this stanza by changing line two. See, as it stands now, line two is all about the neighbors, who should have at most a cameo role in this poem. The piece is about you and your lover. Make the conclusion about you and your lover. Lines four and five fade easily into that major chord you wanted to end on, so good job.

Like I said in chat, I did love this. It’s my second favorite of the trio, with the first being “Decay”. Your syntax is rather professional and your images (while somewhat scarce in this one; I was a tad bit disappointed) are accurately phrased. Work out the fluidity of your syntax and figure out the kinks that need to be hammered out. As it stands, this is a good piece; work to make it great. Also, don’t take my comment about the scarceness of imagery as a command to drown this in rainy days and gray fog; the amount of images is proportional to what you wanted out of this. So good job.

As always, PM me/wall post me if you have any questions or concerns.

-Lumi

You are here again with another fabulous poem of yours...
BRAVO...
I loved it......
I liked each and every thing of it.... Good word selection making it touchy....
Liked the flow of the poem too...
Keep up the great work...

I've decided that I could critique this one, because I have what I've already read to compare it to. I hope nobody is reading this beside you, but they are. And that didn't make sense to them. Anyway...

I think I liked the rough copy better and I hope you still have it because it was rawer and almost made me wince (in a good way).

Turn on the lights, darling.
I want you to be able to see your image
stitched across the lines of my face.
Pull up the blinds too.
That way the neighbors can watch us claw our way out
of the misery-sealed home we've built for ourselves.

Alright, you'll have to tell me later if I'm wrong or if you don't like this. God, I'm just not assertive...can't really do this whole critique thing. But, I feel that you have to know Ok. I loved the way it was before in this stanza...(I wish I had a copy) something like "Flick the lights up...I want you to see what we've become" (it was something better, something rougher) But now, the "That way the neighbors can watch us claw our way out" doesn't fit as well, or give me the same feeling. I'm not sure how I feel about "misery-sealed" either. :/

I'm not sure if you're going for the same feeling though. I thought the poem before was a little aggressive and rough, but in a very good way. Now it's much sweeter with spikes that I don't really love.

I think I'd like to see more of a transition between the first and last stanza, because the entire poem is beautiful. And I love the way it goes...if that makes sense. And...I love it, sir.

Also, I shall tell you all of the things I love about it at a later date. Your writing ego doesn't really need feeding you're amazing. And you know you're amazing at writing. I told you all of the things I don't like because you already should know this is damn good.

Wait- let me catch my breath.
I'm still kind of in a state of awe.


Okay.
So, this was lovely. It was beautifully written, and the way your mind work is simply fabulous. Now, despite my incapability to provide such excellent feedback as I'm sure certain first-reviewer did (*cough* Lumi *cough*) I do have a couple of things to mention:

1) The flow. The flow was a bit weird to me on this one. It kind of stuck out, which is why I'm addressing it first. I found it to be the main source of this not being entirely, magically perfect. In making flow more flow-y (Gosh I'm technical), I've found it's good to provide one half of the clause that's going to follow. If there isn't a comma or anything, make sure the reader knows you haven't completed your thought by separating the next phrase and allowing the thought to carry onto the next line. Here's an example:

That way, when we look in the mirror each morning, we don't have to stare
into the faces that wanted us to become writers and dancers.

After I read the word "stare" I was expecting you to change thoughts somewhat, despite there not being a comma. When I got to the next line, I went back up and reread the end to make it smoother. So, it was a little jarring altogether. I would change the flow to something like this:

That way, when we look in(I would also change this to "into) the mirror each morning, we don't have to
stare into the faces that wanted us to become writers and dancers.

Obviously, this is just a suggestion. I don't mean to say that I'm an expert when it comes to this type of thing at all- it's something that I often struggle with myself. So, the choice is yours, really.

2) Word choice.
Now, you have a gorgeous command of language. Really.
You're probably my favorite poet on this site because of it, and I'm well, really jealous of your abilities. However, there were a couple of instances in which your word choice felt a bit... off to me. Your tone switches, and sometimes the simple sound of the word is awkward. You might trying around with it a little bit more, because right now, some words are almost distracting. Here are some examples:

each one is just a little swath of color

and

You get the washbasin, I'll get the cloth.

when coupled with this

We'll wash

and

At night you feel the disparity

This last one was the one that needs the most work I think. "Disparity" usually refers to a difference in class or gender of something... some difference separating one thing from another. In this context, it feels weird, on the tongue and conceptually.


3) Overstylization. Yes, I know this isn't a word. Read my signature.
But, this was a minor problem I found. I'm guilty of this as well, and I hate to remove the culprits from my writing. Once I do though, it generally makes my writing a bit clearer.
The thing that I really noticed (which is the part I was caught with by someone else) was over-specifications. Now, I'm just going to say that details are really what make good writing. It's the small things that lend reality to a story, that bring vague concepts into flesh and give them blood. However, being TOO specific can be harmful, and can be distracting.
Like I said though, is more of a minor problem. Thought I'd give it a quick mention because I think I've seen you almost succumbing to this temptation in others works as well. The only really big instance I saw in this piece was this:

the 5/8 inch grass out in the yard;

4) Imagery.
Okay, so I just want to start with the fact that I absolutely love your imagery. Paired with the language, it's incredible. There were a couple of things though, I think, that could be changed. Since you're kind of amazing at it, I'm going to list some instances that I found a bit odd, tell you why, and let you decide what to do with them.

and your tears carve tiny canyons across your cheeks.

Now, this sounds cool. Really cool. Beautiful even. But, when you actually think about it, I've never seen tears carve skin out of someone's face, and they usually don't look like holes, but rather an addition to the face. Now, maybe you meant something else, and I just didn't get it, but that's what I took from it.

when all the neighbors are tending to their petunias and lawnmowers,

So, this line kind of bothers me. It's mostly the "lawnmowers" part, I think. I don't know why, but the connection with petunias and lawnmowers just feels weird to me. I would recommend switching it with something like "crabgrass" or, if you want to form a greater sense of uniformity with the neighbors, maybe "clippers".

I also wanted to include a little list of imagery that I especially loved.

You get the washbasin, I'll get the cloth.
We'll wash each other down to the salt that coats our faces,
and I'll kiss you as I uncover the scars that
your drunk of a father gave you.

we'll step across that threshold
and remember what it's like to feel the sun on our skin.

5. The Conclusion

So, the conclusion is beautifully written. The words themselves are gorgeous, and it's probably my favorite part of this piece. However, it doesn't quite work as a conclusion. (And I promise, I'm not making this up in order for you to make it longer, as much as I wish I could read more )
While beautifully pieced together, it lacks the finality, that certain tone that kind of says "Okay, time's just about up." While it does work as an end, it feels more like an unfinished story. I understand that this is part of a series, but I feel like it should be able to stand alone as well.
Instead of rewriting that section, I think that you could add on a line or two to fully wrap up your piece, and leave the reader satisfied, instead of just kind of fading off.


6. Conceptual Mumbo-Jumbo
You are excellent, and that is all.

You always wait until you think I'm asleep.
What you've never realized is that I stay up to cry with you.

Gold.




Overall:
I wrote a lot more than I thought I was going to
Overall, this was excellent. To be perfectly honest, I didn't like it as much as your last one, but I think with some more work, it could surpass even that. Great job, and let me know if you make edits.

-Coral-

Hi again
Here for the edit!


Okay, so there were some changes that I adored, and others that I think could be changed back. I'm not going to do a long review again, but a quick run-through, if you don't mind.

See that light switch?
Flip it.
I want you to see your image
stitched across the lines of my face. This part still feels awkward to me.

And the blinds?
Open them.
That way the neighbors can whisper as they watch us
destroy everything that matters.

The rhythm threw me here a little bit again, at least in the first stanza. I got it a bit more in the second though, and felt it. You might consider playing with this a bit more, though it's better like this.
The dog, the kids, the 5/8 inch grass out in the yard—

with each one we ran painted fingers over our skin,
drawing swirls of color across our lips and cheekbones;
We hoped our masks would trick the mirror into
forgetting the faces that wanted us to become writers and dancers. Excellent stanza, as an entirety.

At night you realize what you've done, when you think I'm sleeping
and your tears carve tiny canyons through the bright paint. Wonderful edits here!
You always try to be quiet enough to not wake me,
but darling, I'm always crying beside you. Unfortunately, these lines were my favorite. This is one that I would definitely keep the same, though that's just because I love them.

You get the washbasin, I'll get the cloth.
We'll clean each other down to the salt that coats our faces, Nice changes here- I like the differences in these two lines, especially the change to "wash" rather than changing "washbasin".
and I'll kiss you as I uncover each
forgotten scar and birthmark. I did like what you previously had here, but this is good as well, so it's really up to you.

Then tomorrow morning,
with the petunias unwatered and the lawnmower unused, Nice changes here, but I liked the references to the neighbors.
we'll step across that threshold
and remember what it's like to feel the sun on our skin.

Okay. Not too many comments. You definitely did a complete edit on this- I was surprised at how much you changed. But, I think a lot of it was for the better. There were some parts that I didn't like as much, but for the most part, most of them are about equal. Great job!

-Coral-

Try taking a few steps towards your original, particularly in the first two stanzas. Remember that the introduction sets the mood of the entire poem (unless you change, of course), so you may want to consider making it less abrupt and demanding. One edit in these two stanzas particularly changes a concept of the poem for me. “That way the neighbors can whisper as they watch us destroy everything that matters.” It changes the apprehension of aging into the hatred of a settled life (I know the main concept is suspended between the two).

Your line, “drawing swirls…cheekbones” is a bit repetitive for me, given the line right before it. Iunno. I think it’s weighing the stanza down. Also, the word ‘swirls’ is very playful for this mood. I’m not particularly fond of using the word “masks” in the poem itself for obvious reasons. It’ll draw the reader’s attention to that one line for the entire meaning.

More so than the original, I feel like the first line of bulk stanza four needs to be changed in order. “When you think I’m sleeping and your tears carve tiny canyons through the bright paint, you realize what you’ve done.” Also, line two of that stanza is very taxing and long-winded. Egh. Really, this entire stanza should be considered for reverting back to the original. Or somewhere in the middle.

Stanza five isn’t registering very strongly with me, but it was the one I had the most trouble connecting to in the first place, so I’m not sure what to do with it. =/

Aaaand I’m still not a fan of line two of stanza six. It just, no. It doesn’t work for me.

Sorry about the low quality of this, but I know you don't mind the lack of pleasantries.

-Lumiface