HamsterMania:)

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This is a perspective paper I wrote recently. This is my first post, so I apologize in advance for my grammar issues.


Characters-
Molly, nine-year old girl getting a hamster.
Michael, Molly’s dad
Teddy, the hamster.


Molly’s Perspective-

“DADDY! Are you coming?”

I eagerly jumped out of the car and jumped up to the front of the pet store. Daddy was slowly turning the key, opening the door, and gingerly stepping out of the car. A woman came out of the store, and I could smell the aroma of dog food, and gerbil cages that desperately needed to be cleaned.

“I’m coming honey, go on in!”

I jumped at those glorious words. I tugged at the door, scrambled in, almost knocking over a display of natural cat treats. Towards the back of the store, I spot the hamsters. There’s a cute one back in the corner.
Mirabelle.
10 weeks.
Female.
That will not do! I need a male to marry, Susy, my girl hamster I have at home in the pink jeweled cage. Suddenly I hear the most wonderful, amazing sound in the world. A squeak. The best kind of hamster! One that can talk! Where did the squeak come from? I must know! There it is again. I whip around and see another little hamster in its wheel. It squeaks! That’s my guy!

“What’s your name, little fella?”

Teddy.
8 weeks.
Male.

I have, officialy, found the perfect hamster. I must find Daddy now. I head for the door, asuming he’s probably still in the car, considering I practically had to beg him to let me get a hamster. When I turn around, he’s standing right there.

“How long have you been standing there?”

“A few minutes. So is that the one?”

He gestures to Teddy’s cage. I nod. Daddy explains the importance of me holding him, just to make sure he’s the right one, before we take him home. The man who works at the pet store comes over and asks me if I want to hold one of the hamsters. I say yes, and ask nicely if I can hold Teddy. He nods, and fishes Teddy out and places him in my hands. He is very small and soft. He snuggles up against my thumb. I look hopefully at Daddy, and he smiles in approval.

“Yes!”

Yes! Daddy said yes! Teddy looks really happy.

“My name is Molly. So I have the cutest girl hamster at home, her name is Susy!”



Dad’s Perspective-

“DADDY! Are you coming?”

Molly is so anxious to get a hamster. I really don’t want to have to deal with this. I will be the one to feed it, clean the cage, everything except give it love and attention. She already has a hamster, Susy. I really don’t know why she needs another one, she keeps talking about them getting married. She’s been stuck on that since her mom left.

I slowly get begin to get out of the car.

“I’m coming honey, go on in!”

Molly jumps at the oppurtunity. She runs through the door, and almost knocks down a whole shelf. Generally, Molly is easy to take care of, but sometimes she can be a handful.

I walk in the store and make small talk with the cashier, and then move back toward the hamsters where Molly is surveying one hamster. I watch as her eyes light up and she runs to a different cage. And is fascinated of the little hamster running in its wheel.

“What’s your name, little guy?”

Molly spies a little hamster named Teddy. I must say, it’s the cutest one here. Or handsome, rather. She seems to be very fond of this hamster. I think she made a good choice. Molly turns around, I’m assuming she’s looking for me. She was surprised to see me.

“How long have you been standing there?”


I feel like she didn’t want me to be in the magical bonding moment she just had with her new best friend.

“Just a few minutes. Is that the one?”

Molly nods. I feel like she doesn’t need another hamster, but you know, it’s really hard to say no to a cute little nine-year-old with a puppy dog face.

I tell her that she needs to hold “Teddy” before we take him home. I stuttered when I realized I have been calling Teddy “him.”

The employee comes over and tries to get Teddy out of his cage. I can tell this might not end well, Teddy seems a little grouchy. Finally, the man grabs Teddy and places him in Molly’s hands. He cuddles right up in her palm, using her thumb as a pillow.

Molly glances over at me, as if asking me, without words, if she can get the hamster. Five minutes ago, I was dreaming up a million different ways to say no. Now I don’t think there is anything better to say then

“Yes!”

Molly smiles ear to ear and whispers to Teddy.

“My name is Molly. So I have the cutest girl hamster at home, her name is Susy!”

Even Teddy seems to be smiling at me.


Teddy’s Perspective-

I need to be adopted. I don’t have one of those sob stories where I have been here for a really long time. I’ve only been here 8 weeks. I can’t take this place anymore, barely enough food, and they almost never clean my cage. It’s all about the gerbils. I hate that.

“DADDY! Are you coming?”

I hardly hear this small glimmer of hope. Let me think, she’s a girl, maybe eight or nine. Little girls prefer hamsters over gerbils, I know that from experience.

“I’m coming honey, go on in!”

Yes, come right in. The girl rushes over towards the hamsters. Okay, that’s good, it means she will probably consider me. Hopefully.

NO NO NO! Don’t look at her! Never look at Mirabelle! Everyone always looks at Mirabelle. I can see the girl’s face in the reflection off the glass cage as she’s ready Mirabelle’s name tag. I see disappointment! Yes! She seems to not notice me, she glances at other hamsters, but not me! I squeak out of exhaustion.

She noticed me! The girl does a 180 at quickly looks around for wear the squeak came from. It came from over here! SQUEAK!!!!!! She runs over to me at seems to have great satisfaction. Yes, I am a very good hamster, please take me home with you!

“What’s your name, little guy?”

My name is Teddy, what’s yours? She surveys my name tag, and a smile from ear to ear appears on her face.

“How long have you been standing there?”

The girl looks at a man, who I’m assuming is her Dad.

“Just a few minutes. Is that the one?”

Yes I am most definitely the best hamster in the world. Her Dad tells her she should, “take me for a test run.” The evil employee comes and tries to get me out of my cage. I run away for long enough to make the guy look like he has no idea what he’s doing. I don’t want the little girl and her dad to think I’m not cuddly and lovable. I let the employee scoop me up and put me in the girl’s hands. I snuggle up in her palm. She looks up at her dad.

“Yes!”

Yes! I can finally leave this horrible place!

“My name is Molly. So I have the cutest girl hamster at home, her name is Susy.”

Thank you Molly, for allowing me to leave this pet store. Not only do I get to leave, I also get a cute girl hamster as a roommate! Thank you, Molly!
Live Life. Love Life. Be A Writer. YWS(:

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Hey!

I thought this piece was cute and I like the way you told it from all of the character's perspectives.

I will point out a few things I noticed;

I eagerly jumped out of the car and jumped up to the front of the pet store.


I jumped at those glorious words.


You use 'jumped' three times in close proximity here. Maybe try swapping one or two for other words - 'hopped' 'leaped' etc.

I could smell the aroma of dog food, and gerbil cages that desperately needed to be cleaned.


Sets the scene well :)

Where did the squeak come from? I must know! There it is again. I whip around and see another little hamster in its wheel.


From 'know!' to 'There' seems a bit rushed. Try re-wording it to something like;

'Where did the squeak come from? I must know! I hear it again and whip around to see another little hamster, running in its wheel.'

I have, officialy, found


'officially'

He gestures to Teddy’s cage. I nod.


I'd swap the comma for 'and'

'He gestures to Teddy’s cage and I nod.'

She’s been stuck on that since her mom left.


I like this as it adds background to your characters :)

I slowly get begin to get out of the car.


Either -

'I slowly begin to get out of the car.'

or

'I slowly get out of the car.'

And is fascinated of the little hamster running in its wheel.


Starting this sentence with 'and' makes it sound awkward. Maybe try something like -

'She seems fascinated by the little hamster running in its wheel.'

Molly turns around, I’m assuming she’s looking for me. She was surprised to see me.


These two sentences are written in different tenses. To make them the same, I'd change 'She was' to 'She's'

I stuttered when I realized I have been calling Teddy “him.”


I don't understand this sentence :/

Now I don’t think there is anything better to say then

“Yes!”


Try putting these two together - e.g;

'Now I don’t think there is anything better to say then, “Yes!”'

It’s all about the gerbils. I hate that.



This made me lol :L

in the reflection off the glass


'off' should be 'of'

as she’s ready Mirabelle’s name tag


'ready' should be 'reading'

The girl does a 180 at quickly looks around for wear the squeak came from


'The girl does a one hundred and eighty degree turn and quickly looks around for where the squeak came from.'

and a smile from ear to ear appears on her face.


'and a smile stretching from ear to ear appears on her face.'

That's all I could find - you didn't do that badly at all! Your grammar isn't that bad, just a few silly mistakes :)

Aww, I really did enjoy reading this :) I hope this review helps you!

xDudettex
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Haha! That was really cute! I remember when you told me the idea, and I thought it was going to crash and burn! xD It turned out really good! I liked the description in this piece, and the way the emotion was put was awesome! I think you got it from you wanting your fish! Good job hammy! :)
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I just wanted to say that this is fantastic, and I really enjoyed reading this ;)
You've kind of inspired me, too. I love the way this is written; using each person's perspective.
Yep. I just wanted to let you know that this was awesome to read :)
Sooo, yay :D Xx
I want to play a game.




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Hammyhannerzthe2nd, can we just bury the hatchet? Please? I don't like fighting on amazing websites like this.


Firstly, this is a very funny piece. i like the way the story is told through 3 characters- Molly's eccentric perspective, Dad's upset one, and even the hamster's eagerness to be adopted. There are, though, I few grammatical errors that I will help you to fix.

Suddenly I hear the most wonderful, amazing sound in the world.


This isn't grammatically incorrect, but I advise you change it to 'Suddenly I hear the most wonderful, most amazing sound in the world.'

A woman came out of the store, and.I could smell the aroma of dog food, and gerbil cages that desperately needed to be cleaned.


A classic case of the evil run-on sentences.

That will not do! I need a male to marry, Susy, my girl hamster I have at home in the pink jeweled cage.


That's really cute, and I really like this line.

There really isn't as many grammatical errors as you think. Very cute, clever story- I am looking foward to more of your works!
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.



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