Cruel to be Kind

mine were the hands that held you down,
that drowned you in a sea of night –
mine were the hands that held you close,
and let them hurt you.

I listened
when you cried, you cried with those sweet eyes;
you looked at me to help you, but I held you down
I held you – and I said it would be all right.

I watched you wet yourself with fear
I watched your eyes drown red with fear;
mine were the hands that held you down,
mine was the heart that broke at the sound,
and mine was the voice that whispered
as you cried.

---

I'd like some help with the last stanza of this one. It's kind of pointless, really - more of a repetition than a poem. I dont like it much, though I suppose it deserves a chance. Part of catharsis, so no wonder it's terrible: too much emotion, not enough sense.

Wow, this really touched me, my curiosity gets the better of me here and I am left to wonder what it is that happened exactly.

Still putting that aside, I really felt the emotion in this peace, I felt that the repetition was a good thing, as it helped to convey that emotion and this is an emotional piece.

I love this, I would definitely look at changing the word, "fear", in one of the last lines as it is repeated twice and I feel that it does nothing for the poem. What about the words, horror, dread, or some other such word? Would another word fit? You may even be able to create more atmosphere by changing this.

Other than that, I don't know that you would want to change anything. Well done!

Ok, I think I know the general idea behind this (bloggie, si?] I'm in green (but no, I'm not.. ok, shutting up)


mine were the hands that held you down,
that drowned you in a sea of night – I like this line and I don't. "sea of night" sounds cool, but I think it's a bit much.. also obscurses the poem a bit
mine were the hands that held you close,
and let them hurt you. arg. bekah no like. and let them do what, exactly? well, not exactly, but there must be a better way of phrasing.. I'm almost tempted to say leave the stanza at "them" adn transition into the next stanza, but I don't think it quite works.. I'll think on it, ok?

I listened
when you cried, you cried with those sweet eyes; ack, I don't like the line break between the first two lines here.. maybe take "when you cried" up to the first line, and keep the rest for the second.. no, that doesn't work.. keeping it all one line seems too long..
you looked at me to help you, but I held you down
I held you – and I said it would be all right. bek like mucho last two lines. well, for poetic side.. not what happened.. oh gah, you know what I mean

I watched you wet yourself with fear eh.. yes, it happened, but maybe to explicitly stated? another part to think on..
I watched your eyes drown red with fear; drown? or dawn, drawn.. just a few thoughts
mine were the hands that held you down,
mine was the heart that broke at the sound, rhyme sounds a little forced, but as I avoid rhyming like the plague, can't help much, there, other than to say "awkward."
and mine was the voice that whispered
as you cried. maybe keep with the line above? just thinking.. the line break breaks flow a bit for me..

other than that, yeah, it works. hard subject matter, though. maybe come back to it in a few weeks.. pick over it yourself then?

mine were the hands that held you down,
that drowned you in a sea of night –
mine were the hands that held you close,
and let them hurt you.

"and still, yet, let them hurt you"? or something...it fits the rhythm more, at least. just a suggestion.

I listened
when you cried, you cried with those sweet eyes;
you looked at me to help you, but I held you down
I held you – and I said it would be all right.

this stanza is good...but it's bland. give me more of that poetic language that i know you're so good at!

I watched you wet yourself with fear
I watched your eyes drown red with fear;

don't end with fear twice.
and the image of someone wetting themselves...not so cool....

mine were the hands that held you down,
mine was the heart that broke at the sound,

the sound of...? what? trampling elephants? please, elaborate.

and mine was the voice that whispered
as you cried.

you didn't end it! that's not an ending! i thought you were talking about how useless the comforts were...how the character "you" was hurt, nonetheless, as you consoled her. so why just leave it on the comfort note, when you must confirm what happened...how you feel. i mean, yeah, we know it's you - so what now?

ok...hope that helped.

I can really sense the emotion behind the words...not sure what the meaning is supposed to be...but I get the hint that its like people who say that they are there for you,and will help you, but all they do is say stuff, they never actually help you, they just ell you its alright. Its still up to you to get up though. I liked it a lot though!

mine were the hands that held you down,
that drowned you in a sea of night – [Comment 1]
mine were the hands that held you close,
and let them hurt you.

I listened
when you cried, you cried with those sweet eyes;
you looked at me to help you, but I held you down
I held you – and I said it would be all right.

I watched you wet yourself with fear [Comment 2]
I watched your eyes drown red with fear; [Comment 3]
mine were the hands that held you down,
mine was the heart that broke at the sound,
and mine was the voice that whispered
as you cried.

Comment 1: The 'Sea of night' sounds way cool, but I don't see how it fits in with the rest of the poem. Well, it might. I'm not sure if you're talking about your son or a lover. If you are talking about a lover, then this fits very well. If not, then...
Comment 2: This is what gave me the idea that it's your son that you're talking about. How many grown men wet themselves?
Comment 3: I don't really like the repetition of 'fear', but I think its intentional so I won't nag you about it.

Overall, this is lovely. You have some great poetic language, and this leaves me thinking.
The only things that I didn't like have been pointed out above and by the other crits. So, great job!

Keep it up,
Camille

This was really powerful. I'll try not to echo what's already been said...

For some reason, I expected line two to rhyme with line four, and was surprised when it didn't. Not disappointed, or delighted, really, just surprised.

I think the flow is a bit off in the second stanza. It reads a little jerkily. Maybe try reading it aloud so you can get a better sense of the rhythm.

Actually, I thought that the last stanza was great, maybe the best one out of the three. As has been said, I wouldn't repeat "fear."I'm not sure about "drown red"...it's a touch too obscure for the tone I think.

I think the image of him wetting himself was very powerful. I think it added a touch of terrible realism to the whole piece and that the poem was all the more effective for it. I love the internal rhyme in this stanza. I'm not sure about "whispered"...I don't really get it...maybe try something stronger and more direct.

Hope this helps!
Jas

curious...

It reminds me of E. E. Cummings

"I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart" ...but a sadder, sorry and more regretful version here. Very emotional and interesting! Great work!

God Bless, KIM

Sorry, i can't really help with the ending, but your poem was really good!
I very much enjoyed it. -AnnaBanana