How sad is the peacock!

How proud is the peacock!
With feathers of blue,
Showing off to the world,
With eyes that hold true.

Yet why does he strut so?
To hide that he weeps.
For inside is sorrow,
That refuses to cease.

Who sings of his valor?
His mercy untold?
His brilliant kindness,
To all those of old?

Denied are these honours,
To be put to shame,
By the fabulous beauty,
That instead holds his name.

How sad is the peacock!
And envy does he,
His bride, the young Peahen,
For ugly is she.

Wow! I like your poem! The only thing I have to say is that 'weeps' and 'cease' do not rhyme.

Keep 'em coming!

Hi there, Skorpionne.

First off, I have to wonder what inspired this, though I’m guessing it was probably…well…a peacock. Yeah, that’s going to be my best guess.

Also, I think it’s really nice to see a poem that rhymes and maintained its rhythm at the same time. Often I think most people will sacrifice rhythm for rhyme but I’m glad you didn’t.

One stanza does sort of bother me though:

Yet why does he strut so?
To hide that he weeps.
For inside is sorrow,
That refuses to cease.

It’s not the rhyming miss that Mikko pointed out. That, I hardly noticed. What does bother me a little is that the question stated in the first line seems to be answered extremely abruptly. Generally, you want to give some sort of pause to let the reader mull over the question. The problem is, however, I don’t know how you’ll be able to change something like this without altering the whole poem or adding another stanza. It’s something to think about and at least remember for the future more than anything else.

Meh, it’s not even a very big deal though, now is it?

Overall, I enjoyed this a lot and I got a chuckle of the last stanza, though I do now feel bad for the Peahen (does it need to be capitalized in the last stanza there? I’m not sure but I don’t think so unless you did it for emphasis.) because she is, well, rather ugly. At least in my own opinion.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or drop a message on my wall.

~lilymoore

I love this poem. Your language is great. Your rhyme scheme was lovely. And aside from that this poem had a really great message. I always love poems that give a whole new perspective to the things that we see. A peacock has been the ultimate cliched picture of pride and you just shifted that in this poem.

Who sings of his valor?
His mercy untold?
His brilliant kindness,
To all those of old?

This is the only stanza where your rhyme stumbles a little, particularly on the third line.

Now the only other thing I can point out is that I think your ending is a little lacking. If you follow the development of the poem, you'll see that the peacock is sad because nobody can see past his glorious feathers. You reveal in the end that he envies the peahen because she does not have these feathers which blind everyone to what's inside. I think it's not enough for you to say that he envies her because she's ugly. I think you need to develop that more in order to really show the contrast between a beautiful peacock and an ugly peahen.

This poem was lovely and I'll be happy to read more.

--Nixie

I saw this and had to read it (mainly because I love peacocks). I like the first stanza the best. In my opinion peahens aren't that ugly.

I loved this to such an extent I read it like five times. Poems about animals are so cool! You did a really good job with this and I enjoyed it so much! It has a great message/story to it! Peakcocks RULE!!! Anyway, keep up the good work and keep writing!

wow, impressive poem i've never heard a peacock be put into that perspective before.
There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said so again very good poem, keep up the work

- Tinkem

Hello Skorpionne,
I'm going to get the bad part out of the way: as it has been said, a few of your rhymes are forced. There. That's it for that. So what if your rhyming isn't perfect? What really matters is the emotion of the poem, and that you portrayed artfully. The word choice was also well done, albeit not always rhyming.
All in all, well done.

~TheManintheHat

Wow, this was really good. I liked how your poem seemed to have a purpose and it's not just a bunch of words that rhyme. The only thing that I would have to criticize is when you said

That refuses to cease

I would say That he refuses to cease, because it is the peacock that refuses to cease his sorrow.

Other than that I would say it was an amazing poem, and if I were you I would definately submit it to the YWS Literary Journal.

Hope I could help.


-lilgreendots <3

Ooh, I like muchly It was pretty sweet !

Well, I do like it. It paints a nice picture and delves slightly, but I think it needs more...heart? Like maybe it shouldn't have ended so quickly? It's the end that gets me. It just seems to not flow quite as well.

I don't know. It was quite pretty, anyway.

I'd suggest changing Peahen to peahen, though. You had "peacock" in lower case, so I'd suggest putting "peahen" in lower case as well. You get a gold star for knowing a female peacock is called a peahen, though. I had no idea, which is amazing because I was obsessed with animals as a child. Still sort of am (their genetics now). Yeah.

Keep up the good work, anyway.

Aww! Your poem made me feel sorry for the peacock, so I suppose you have set out what you intended to do, well done! I like your writing style and it flowed very well, though some rhymes didn't completely, well, rhyme. I like the concept, it's an original poem, and quite light-hearted, in some ways, and sad in others. Very original, well done!

Hi!
I really enjoyed reading it!
When I saw the title, I was curious and I didn't think that it would be that good, but you proved me wrong!
You did a wonderful job! Here are a few words:

How proud is the peacock!
With feathers of blue,
Showing off to the world,
With eyes that hold true.Very nice, you did a grand job here
Yet why does he strut so?
To hide that he weeps.
For inside is sorrow,
That refuses to cease.I really like how you described his sadness here.
Who sings of his valor?
His mercy untold?
His brilliant kindness,
To all those of old?
Denied are these honours,
To be put to shame,
By the fabulous beauty,Ohhh fancy word Fabulous
That instead holds his name.
How sad is the peacock!
And envy does he,
His bride, the young Peahen,
For ugly is she.Hahaha poor peacock!

Again, I really enjoyed it and hope to read more poems like this from you!
Thank you for posting it.

Hey Skorpionne,

WOW! Great job! It rhyming so amazingly well, and not just that, but the timing was perfect! Timing, I think, is a really important element to a poem, and you got it so right! The wording is also really great! And I like how you ask questions through the poem, but not the entire poem, which is really great. I've read poems entirely composed of questions and no answers, but this was better! And the end was so funny! The peacock is sad because the peahen is ugly! Very funny!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

I really liked this, it was different.
I also liked the simple structure of it, it really did keep me reading, it was beautiful.
The imagery made me smile too, it was good detailing.
I especially liked:

Denied are these honours,
To be put to shame,
By the fabulous beauty,
That instead holds his name.

It braught some really strong images and seriously was different. Just wow, though I maybe would have liked an extra verse or too. Just to give more detail.
Well done!