First chapter contest (Harriet)

I've since edited this and posted it in romance novels where I hope to post chapters as I write them.

You can now find the edited version here - topic77741.html

Thanks!

Hello there!

Thought I might return the review

So I really enjoyed this. It's got a nice flow to it, and the characters are very realistic. It didn't seem long at all when I was reading it, which is always a good sign.

Just a few things: first off, I got quite confused in bits, especially near the beginning:

Still, I’ll never forget the way my brain was shouting one thing.
“He’s ugly.”
No. I think I remember it being something along the lines of ‘Oh my God.’
“I mean really. People like him shouldn’t be allowed out in daylight.”
I peered up from my lunch of cheese and crackers, I’ve got a thing for cheese at the moment,

I don't know if it's just me, but I didn't really understand what was going on here. At first you're talking about the hottest guy she'd ever seen who walked into the kitchen, and then suddenly she's in what appears to be a school canteen looking at some random boy... I'm guessing the first paragraph was a sort of introduction before the story begins? In which case I'd put a divide between the two, an astericks, for example.
Again, that might just be me, so sorry if I didn't understand it right :/

Eric from French class. Pete from English class. So why, all of a sudden, am I crushing on Sonny? The same Sonny who is my sister’s best friend and total rocker bad boy.

Hang on... is Sonny the guy she was talking about right at the beginning? And does this have anything to do with the guy who just passed her and Cassie? Apart from the little confusion, I really liked the bit about the plain guys, it adds to the MC's character and it made me laugh :]

“Hey Harriet.”
I spun around to see a guy dressed in a white polo shirt and jeans smiling down at me. I smiled back when inside all my brain was telling me to do was run away.
“Hey Brandon.”
His smile grew at my response. “You heading to French in a bit?”

I understand you might want to leave some explanations for further in the book, but I think it would be good if you gave a short explanation here as to why her brain was telling her to run away from Brandon. At the moment I'm feeling a little lost about the situation.

“I mean, it did hurt, but it wasn’t the worst pain ever,” Cassie said, staring down at her stomach before looking back up at me. “Remember when I fell down the steps in the park and hit my funny bone on the metal railing? That was the worst pain ever.”

I think it would be good here if you could specify where they are here; it's quite a quick transition of events.

Cassie is the queen of stubborn land.

I think it would be better if you wrote it as Stubborn Land; it sort of adds to the humour. As you wish, though

The wall opposite me and Cassie was blank, but the wall adjacent was covered in posters and prints of paintings.

I think this would flow better if you wrote: The wall opposite Cassie and I

Well, that's all for the nitpicks. I really loved Cassie's character, she's very entertaining. This is a nice, light first chapter, and it was a very enjoyable to read.

Goodluck in the contest, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia

Heya, Dudette!

It's great to see you back on the site. I haven't seen you in, like, forever. You may or not remember me... but if you do, you probably remember me as Megan White. I think you used to read something called Diary of a Teenage Disaster that I wrote a long while ago. Ah... memories. You probably have no clue in hell who I am, but hey, I remember you. xD God, I sound like a stalker.

Anyway! I'm here to review this, not to creep you out with my stalkerness. First off, don't worry about the length of this. Honestly, you should see some of the stuff I've posted on here... People cry when they try to review it because it's so long. Overall, I like this, Dudette. One element that I was especially keen on was the fact that you had some subtle humour going on in this. It wasn't overpowering, but it was enough to add some depth and character to the piece. Staying on the humour theme, I liked your MC's voice too. She was sarcastic and I like sarcastic. It's so British. I also liked Cassie. In fact, you've managed to create some great characters here.

Okay! The main issue I noticed coming up here was that you have a tendency to tell, not show. I mostly noticed this when it came to Cassie's character. As for your MC, you did a bit of telling, not showing with her too. Don't tell us that she likes guys with lip rings, long hair, who wear dark clothes e.t.c. You don't need to tell us that because it's made obvious when you describe how hot that Sonny kid is. That was the only real telling, not showing problem I had with your MC though, so that's all good. Back to Cassie...

Cassie is the queen of stubborn land. I’m sure it comes with being an only child; she’s used to getting what she wants, when she wants. It doesn’t usually bother me, I can wear her down sometimes, but when it comes to getting something like her belly button done, I just wish she’d think things through a little more. I’ll be the one getting an ear ache when she’s complaining about it being infected or her mum having found out about it.

Now, as silly as all this sounds, this is actually standard Cassie behaviour. She’s pulled this stunt on me hundreds of times before, when I’m not up for doing something or don’t agree with her. It’s just another branch on the tree of Cassie’s stubbornness.

These are two examples of what I mean. You're describing Cassie's character here, but doing it in a way where you're telling us instead of showing us. To be honest, I automatically got the impression that Cassie was a high maintenance, obsessed with her appearance kind of girl. You didn't need to tell us that she's stubborn, that it's standard Cassie behaviour or anything like that. Just show us through her dialogue, body language and other elements like that.

The only other thin I really noticed here was that you sometimes got mixed up with your tenses. I can see why you've gone wrong where you have, and they're mistakes that shouldn't be too hard to fix. What you tend to do is say that, for example, Cassie is this, Cassie is that. What you should be saying is that Cassie was this, Cassie was that. I know what you're thinking... Dude, she ain't dead. Nonetheless, using was is technically more correct than saying is. Just remember that if you're writing a past tense piece, be sure to keep every single word in past tense. The only time you can use present tense is in dialogue, thoughts or when there's something like a letter in the piece. Remember that and you'll be fine.

As a whole, I do like this, Dudette. It's light, humorous and really fun to read. I'd like to see where you're going with this, so if you end up posting anymore of it, be sure to let me know! With a bit of tweaking, this chapter could be really great, I think. Good luck in the contest!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there Dudette! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!

“You want me to go alone?” Cassie looked scandalised; her arms folded tightly over her blouse and her blue eyes wide open.

I don't know that "scandalised" is exactly the right word here. I don't know that it works in the context, and it feels a bit awkward. Maybe try something along the lines of "hurt" or "betrayed"?

The secretary got up from behind her desk and headed for the corridor leading off of the room we were in, and I realised her outfit was completed with a pair of black skinny jeans and blue daps.

Realised isn't the best word to use here. I feel like "...I saw her outfit was completed..." would work better.

The spacing is a little weird between paragraphs here. I'm going to assume that's due to posting on YWS, but if not, it might need to be cleaned up a bit.

Character
I'm not getting much from the characters. They both seem kind of...flat. All we've come to see of Harriet is that she typically likes boring guys, but has a crush on a bad boy, and is afraid of needles. And Cassie is high-maintenance and a little obnoxious. In a first chapter, character development is crucial. While you can't be expected to have a fully developed character, the reader should be able to get a good sense of who the person is and how they generally act. And all this preferably through showing rather than telling. (Here is a fantastic article on showing/telling.)

A well developed character is a few, pretty basic things. Complexity, contrast, desire, and change are four general categories for character development (and actually, only three of those really apply to a first chapter). First, a character is complex. They're like real people, they have likes and dislikes and emotions that dive far below the surface. These things come from life experiences, history, and personality. Then there's contrast. Not all of their traits are the same, just like real people. Maybe you have a character who is a warrior, but also has a fondness for gardening. These are very different traits, but help to make a character complex. And then we have desire. The character has some central desire driving them to do the things that they do in the story. This can be as concrete as wanting an ice cream cone, or something as abstract as wanting to find love. Whatever it is, it will drive the way a character acts. Then there is change, which is basically does the character change over the course of the story. Not really applicable now, but something to keep in mind.
Also, here's a lovely article about creating realistic characters.

Overall, this story was a pretty good read. It was humerous at times, and kept a good pace (though not a lot happened, it would be nice to see a little more introduction of plot. All we see now is that Harriet likes Sonny, so something will probably happen between them.). It needs some work, but I have complete faith that it can be done! You have a lovely basis for a great story, just unleash the talent you surely have. Good luck and keep writing!

Thanks again for entering!

-Lauren-