Better Than You

So, just a little introduction into this poem here...I realize I have a repeating verse, but when I write the words just seem to come to me more as a song than a poem, and I would like to someday put music to some of my writing, just to see how it turns out. I'm always open to suggestions and would love some constructive feedback! I hope you enjoy it, it did me a world of good to write it!

I watch you walking around,
Like you’re callin’ all the shots.
And maybe you really are,
But who is listening to you anyway?

There’s something about that attitude,
Something I don’t like.
It seems to get you by,
But how do you sleep at night?

So, I was wondering,
Could you spare me a little of that “better than you”?
I’m getting awful sick of being the one left behind.
And when you leave me in the dust,
Nothing is all I’ll find.

It really must be nice,
Bein’ better than everyone else.
I’m just down here beneath you,
Waiting for the sun to shine on my back.

You can tell me a lie,
Just know that I’m not gonna believe it.
There’s no time in my life for people like you,
And one day, you’ll be starin’ back at your glory,
While I’m havin’ mine.

So, I was wondering,
Could you spare me a little of that “better than you”?
I’m getting awful sick of being the one left behind.
And when you leave me in the dust,
Nothing is all I’ll find.

I’m a victim of your weakness,
While you drink down all my strength.
I know I’ll move past this with time,
But where are you gonna go after this is over?

It seems like you’re everywhere,
I can’t escape your downward look.
So I guess I’ll just keep moving,
Moving towards something better.

So, I was wondering,
Could you spare me a little of that “better than you”?
I’m getting awful sick of being the one left behind.
And when you leave me in the dust,
Nothing is all I’ll find.

For now I’m gonna let you be,
I’m sure we’ll meet again.
And when I leave you in the dust,
Nothing is all you’ll ever find.

I think this should be put in the lyrics section rather than lyric poetry. Please take no offense, but I find that the language in this piece is hardly poetic, but rather more ordinary, everyday vernacular.

This is a very bitter sort of song, that emotion is clear enough, but otherwise I think it is quite vague. I feel as though you are saying the same thing over and over, just in different words. I believe the song could do with a little more depth, with a few more specifics to accompany the general "quit acting so superior" theme.

Anyways, there are my critiques, I'm sorry for not being more encouraging, I truly am. I do think that with the emotion behind it, this song could be very good. Try to find a way to let your readers or listeners or whoever really feel the bitterness, but don't get so caught up in the emotion that you can only convey it in angry, overly general terms.

I agree, I definitely should have submitted this into the lyrics section, but I didn't realize it was there until it was already submitted. Sorry for the mistake. I also wrote this pretty fast, and it definitely does need some more work. Thanks for your input, I'll keep it in mind when I rewrite it.

Even if this is a song, you'll notice most songs are written in four lined stanzas, perhaps you can figure out some way to change all of them evenly to four lined stanzas. Just a suggestions.

Keep on writing!!

Ok, I really like it even if you put it in the wrong area. It has attitude and just makes me want to say 'Hell ya!' Excuse the French, but really, I love the attitude. But maybe, try to write a poem with attitude in free verse and see how it goes. I think you'd be good at it.

Even though it was put in the wrong section I'm glad you did it! Keep on writing!

Thank you both. I'm glad you like it. I'm actually revising it, putting the first review into consideration to expand on it - when it's done I'll put it up in the lyrics section and you can review it if you like.