Idolatry II

Sequel of sorts to this: topic74838.html



II.
the carving was done: blood
washed the floor red and stank like
fevered fanaticism and insomnia;
obscenities flew my mouth, an angel’s
lips, but coherence was gone, taken
by the hematic vertebrae protruding from my spine
twisting and tumbling through torn muscles.
he looked at me with satisfaction, with a
“Are you happy with me now?” smile
that seemed almost ironic in its stupid
earnestness as I collapsed,
feeble and broken.

I was his sculpture, his idealism in flesh,
mutilated, used-up flesh,
a captive in blood-ribboned marble
whose body was so broken it seemed
impossible to walk--
I struggled against the chains of pain and let loose
my fury in an anguished roar,
falling to my knees into a mewling crawl, and finally decided
that I might have to fly in order to make it out alive, at least
until I got away from this monster.




Quick Author's Note:

Spoiler

So, I want to work on both of these. A lot. Especially this one.
Again, I really like the concept, but I don't feel like I've done it justice. At all. Any and all critiques would be warmly welcomed.

annd, explanation:

Spoiler

So, I thought the meaning was pretty clear in both of these, but in case that's my being crazy, I'll explain.
They're both talking about someone who has completely idolized someone else, has raised them on a pedestal and pressed impossible expectations on them.

Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

First three or so words: The carving was done. Move that to where it has some more relevence. In the beginning like that, it's an unexpanded idea that is immeadately dropped, considering you move right to speaking about blood.

fanaticism and fervorous insomnia;

What do these smell like? It's not bad description, but it lacks in imagery, and you can easily add some right here. Saying like a worked up fanaticism, something about sweat and that kinda of foul oder. As for the insomnia half, you can mention cold sweats or something else that can tie in with a lack of sleep as well as that idea of being zealous. You don't have to, what you have works, this is just to add a bit of imagery, if you want to; that is.

Second stanza
I liked what you had going before, it wasn't completely direct and it had multiple levels to it, at first i thought it was a form of insanity. But then you go and blandly say it's a sculpture, that's no fun, not in the slightest.

broken mutilated etc etc

You don't really need this, we know your broken from your image of the sculpture in your first stanza, as well as the mutilation, that's just obvious.

Okay, so you bring back the challenge of walking again. You expand on it and give it a bit more of a direct image. Now, my problem with this is that the previous mentioning conflicts and takes flow / whatever away from this line.
If you were to move the feeble broken line down to where it mentions to the torn legs part and remove that, it'd work better. And ofcourse rewrite it to fit the surrounding lines.

Reasoning: We don't really need two ways in which you cannot walk. We already know your spine is damaged, making it impossible to walk. I consider the first mentioning to be better, because it describes a bit more compared to the other. Torn up legs doesn't really mean a lot, atleast not to me. We don't have any clues or actions that could help us realise any symbolism or anything of that sort reguarding the torn up legs.

Over all:
You have two main ideas in this poem that are loosely connected. The sculpture and the escape. There's not a lot of action between these two ideas that can safely lead us from one idea to the other. You go from talking about this mans smile to how cut up you are to escaping. You might want to just play around with the order of your ideas and see how it comes out, that could be all that is irking me here, or making less easy to connect.

Also, after the end, the first three lines do seem very out of place. Unnessesary, really. It speaks of a carving where the poem focuses on the sculpture. Unless you give some hint or don't full expand on it yet, and write another poem to this set, it stands useless.

-edit- I went back and read the first two lines and the last two lines of your other poem. The completed ideas, or being made into the angel you never wanted to be, signifies that the process was complete. So you don't need to mention it here. You can loosely touch back on that though, to give a more easy transition, saying like: I was complete, yet hallow. Etc etc. You get the picture. -edit within edit- You said you wanted this to stand alone, this would also help in that department, because these ideas work by themselves and are expanded on by the previous poem, or are given more depth. -end edit-

Other than that, good job.
Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.

Spoiler

I didn't read the other poem and congradulations on becoming a mod.

I read the first Idolatry, and you have a really great idea here. I would review that one also, but you've done a ton of great work on it, and honestly, I just adore the piece the way it is.
This part has potential to be a great addition and ending to the previous bit, but it does need some work.

sweaty fanaticism and fervorous insomnia;

The adjectives before "fanaticism" and "insomnia" felt like too much. The fact that it's a 5-word line with 4 words as description is a little overwhelming. Try playing with the wording to make it less thick. I personally like the idea of removing the adjective before "insomnia" and changing the adjective before "fanaticism" to something that describes both words.

mind-ripping obscenities

I really didn't like this phrase. It's overly-dramatic and, as a result, is hard to take seriously. Find a description that's more emotional and conveys a stronger image.

twisting and tumbling through torn muscles--

I like this better with a period at the end. It doesn't relate to the next line, and a period doesn't disrupt the flow at all.

that seemed almost ironic in its stupid
earnestness as I collapsed,

Except when used with a clear purpose, "stupid" almost always comes off as a very juvenile description. It doesn't fit at all with the beautiful style of your writing. I like "childish" as a replacement. Again, try for a stronger image.

whose legs were so torn up that it seemed
impossible to walk--

Why are her legs torn up? I thought he was carving wings into her back? I might be missing it, but I can't see any previous references to legs.

falling to my knees, crawling, and finally decided that
I might have to fly in order to make it out alive, at least
until I got away from this monster.

The ending felt rushed, like you were tired and couldn't think of a good way to end, so you just wrote something down. I'm not saying that's what happened, just that it left me with that impression. The ending is critical to the overall feeling of any poem, so that made the entire poem feel rushed to me. Your language is beautiful throughout both poems, so make sure you don't let that go right at the end. Right now it is very bland and straightforward. Slow down, let your ideas really unfold, and leave your reader with an incredible image to end the poem.


I definitely enjoyed this. You have a really great start, and with some editing this poem will be excellent. The symbolism and imagery you've incorporated into both pieces is original and beautiful. Great work.

Okay, so I made some edits. I definitely still need to work on the ending and slow it down a little bit, but I made some adjustments for now. Thanks for the feedback, guys!

Hey,

It didn't really work for me, if i'm being honest Coral. It's down to your form.

It is very stagnant. And jarrs throughout. A poem about idolising someone would have a smooth, fantasty like flow, would it not?

The other thing is that, if it wasn't for the explanation at the bottom, I would not have got this. You've got some beautiful vocabulary, but I can not really see it's place in the poem. It felt more like a poem about abuse than idolising.

I'm sorry my comments are negative, but I don't think you've got it right this time. Sorry.

PM me if you need me to explain or anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hiya Coral.
Let's get started, shaaalll we? (First off, I didn't read through much of the comments that have already been posted, so if I end up repeating something they already said, you have my apologies ahead of time.)

First stanza:

I didn't really have anything to add to this while reading, other than there could have been a comma placed after "spine" and a better descriptive word in place of "stank." Other than that, you have such excellent word choice throughout the beginning of this, and it turned out absolutely awesome. Love love love.

Second stanza:

Right off the bat, you repeat not only the same word, but in the same place of the line.

Persephoneia wrote:I was his sculpture, his idealism in flesh,
mutilated, used-up flesh,

It's clear that while he molded you to perfection, by doing so you became "mutilated" and "used-up." It's a brilliant idea and I love the meaning behind it. On the other hand, though.. the repetition of "flesh" sort of killed it and left me wondering why on earth you did that instead of using the awesome vocabulary you unleashed in the first half of the poem.
and again, you recycle words from the first stanza in the two lines that follow:

Persephoneia wrote:a captive in blood-ribboned marble
whose body was so broken it seemed

These lines, combined with the ones I quoted just before them (regarding the repetition of "flesh") kick off the second stanza by making me feel like I'm reading the first stanza all over again. It isn't until the last five lines of the poem that you bring in some new material, for lack of a better word, that introduces your escape from this "monster." Everything before the ending (last five lines) is sort of redundant, partly because of the word choice, and partly because it seems like you're rephrasing/reiterating something that you've already covered.



I don't know if you intended for this to happen (and maybe you don't even like the look of it), but I think that the breaking of the structure in the second half is sort of a nice touch. In the beginning it's almost flawless, it's painful, and you're in this guy's control. But in the end, you're breaking free from his grip, trying to leave behind the form he left you in. The destruction of his 'masterpiece' is reflected by the uneven lines that conclude the piece. I don't know... I just thought it was pretty cool. But of course, I could have just been reading into this too much. Obviously you're the writer, and you can do whatever you want to it It will be great either way.

Overall, awesome piece. It's always fun to see what you come up with next; it seems like you never run out of something to write about xD (Do you plan on making an Idolatry III, or are you just going to end it here?)

Coral! It's me, again!

The first thing I thought upon starting to read this was, Wow. Nice vocabulary. And then I had to open up an online dictionary. (No I'm kidding. I surprised myself by knowing what the words meant.)

It seems that, once again, pretty much everything that needs pointing out has been pointed out, so I don't know how useful this review will be. Okay, so there's only like, one thing I can find to point out. And even that might have been said already in previous reviews.

Persephoneia wrote:I struggled against the chains of pain and let loose
my fury in an anguished roar,
falling to my knees into a mewling crawl, and finally decided
that I might have to fly in order to make it out alive, at least
until I got away from this monster

Here, the reference to chains and monsters seems a little cliché. You see it in one too many dark[er] poems, and judging by the rest of this piece, you could have come up with something much better than that. Then again, I might just be being a little too picky. It's up to you to decide ultimately.

Other than that... well I feel rather useless here. xD

Thanks again for the awesome read!

~Cass