History (Prologue+Chapter 1)

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Ok so I've been working on this new novel though I haven't yet finished my first one: 'Ship-wrecked' (check it out!!!) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=898 This one is different in style and you'll have to find out why! (Hihihi I know this is a spoiler but I'm not going to spoil anything!) So enjoy! :)


Prologue


The hooded lady ran through the wet, dark alleyways of London. Her cloak flew behind her as her feet splashed in the little moon-reflecting puddles and puffs of air coming from her mouth mixed with the cold air around her. Someone or something was following her. She prayed to get home to her family as soon as possible. She, like many other people in the area, hated being out at night because of the rumors spreading- that dark creatures roamed the English streets, that people mysteriously disappeared from life; and though no body seriously believed such stories, they couldn’t help but feel frightened when alone on the streets at night time.

The lady stopped to lean on a cold alleyway brick wall. She huffed and puffed not only because she was tired of running in the cold, but because fear pounded in her chest, causing her to breathe faster and faster.
“You’re just being silly,” she whispered to herself, “nobody is following you!” To verify that she was not just lying to herself, she looked right- the direction from which she was coming; and left- to where she was heading, making sure that no one or nothing was to attack her from in front. “You see? Nobody.” She muttered in a relieved, yet still worried way.

At that very moment, a shadow emerged from nowhere. It grabbed her neck with one hand, and with the other, pulled fiercely at her hair. The figure did not seem to be wanting anything sexual- it was not a rape- but whilst the lady struggled for breath, it simply whispered coldly with a man’s voice:
“Wrong, I’m here.” He placed his ice cold mouth on her neck- right where her vein pulsed wildly; he bit into it and drank away, letting the warm, iron-scented liquid pour smoothly into his mouth and throat.
Almost cowardly, the figure vanished, leaving behind the dead lady’s body on the wet, dark alley-way of London. Her eyes remained open. They were full of expression, full of fear. Yet, empty they stayed as life had been drained out of them.




Chapter 1

The lunch bell rang rhythmically as it did daily. It signaled the end of Tuesday’s history class and that it was time for Olivia to wake up before Mr. Briston noticed.
“…and don’t forget your projects on the Victorian era that I gave you two weeks ago. I want for Friday,” Mr. Lenny Briston was a forty-five year-old man who had a deep passion for history that not many of his students shared. He sat down behind his text book-piled desk and looked in his agenda, “sit down, I’m not done. You will not only give me your work, but you’ll also have to present it to the class. The one with the best project will be given the privilege to present it at the hundred and tenth death anniversary of our Queen Victoria the first. Understood?” When the whole class nodded desperately, he knew that he had to let them go.
“Fine. You can all go now. Olivia, please stay behind.” The class charged out of the room urgently in a noisy hustle; Olivia sulked towards her teacher’s desk.
“Sorry for sleeping…again,”
“Are you serious? Every time it’s the same thing,” He sounded annoyed. Indeed it was the same thing every time she had history class. She didn’t say anything; she just placed her left hand on her hip and rested on her left leg.
“You know, if you put your head to it, you would actually enjoy my classes. There’s much more to history than just ancient dates and old people. History is not just about the past, you know? History is now. Because it’s what we do now that has effect on the future. Get that in your head, miss.”

Now he sounded really fed up. He understood that not many people found the classes enjoyable, but that they slept and paid no attention to his lessons in which he tries to put the most energy and enthusiasm, was just not acceptable- it was actually unfair. Olivia just nodded to say that she understood only so she could go. Mr. Briston knew this and gave up.
“Okay, you can go. But make an effort.”

Strangely enough, something managed to stay in her head after she had hurried out of the class: “History is now.” And for some reason, she kept repeating it to herself. Sure I’ll make an effort: an effort to not snore next time I sleep in your class!
“So what was it this time? You dribbled too much on your text book?” Her friend Sarah asked as they sat down at their usual table. They all laughed at this because Olivia was known to be a ‘history-class-sleeper’, she had laughed with them and shrugged, tipping her head to the side.
“Same old routine. He told me ‘history is now’. I was like ‘yeah, in a hundred years they’ll have my history text book that I’ve slept on so many times in a museum’!” Again there was some laughter. But after that, the conversation changed into one about a mixed-sleepover at Robynne’s house they were planning.

Robynne Tins was the eldest of four children. She had two little brothers and one little half-sister. They all lived together in a huge and luxurious house where she had the basement all to herself- which was perfect for their sleep-over and that she was the only one who’s parents would accept having boys stay over for the night.
“So you’re all coming? Sarr’? Olli? Tim? Benny?” As she said their names they all nodded in agreement, with their mouths full of food.
“Actually…” Benjamin paused to swallow what he was chewing, “I’m not so sure anymore ‘cause Hilary’ll be at home and mum wants me to keep an eye on her…” He started but got interrupted by Olivia.
“But she’s your big sister, I mean can’t she look after herself? Oh I see! Paige’ll be there too?” As she said ‘Paige’ she raised her eyebrows and everyone on the table went “Oooh!”
Benjamin Cally had a four-month crush on his big sister’s best friend and though there was only about a year between them, he felt it wrong to make a move if he was younger.
“Shut up! You know the parents won’t leave her home alone since the last time her friends vandalized the house. I don’t know, maybe she’ll go out that day.”
“Okay, but you need to tell me before Friday. The rest of you are sure to come, right? Dad says Penelope wants to get everything sorted so she needs to know how many people are definitely coming,” Robynne rolled her eyes. She didn’t hate her step-mother. She just couldn’t stand her; there was something that she just couldn’t stand about her. Oh yeah! The fact that she ruined her mum and dad’s marriage. “I don’t know why she’s so interested, why she wants to help.”
“Well she wants to show you she cares. She doesn’t want you to hate her since you’re her husband’s daughter, you know. I know it sucks but…Just let her do it,” Robynne accepted Sarah’s advise, but still felt unsure about her step-mother. She didn’t want to talk about it so she turned to Tim and they began their own private conversation while the others turned their attention to the history project that they were to hand in.

“I completely forgot!” Sarah said,
“I’ve already started…almost finished actually. Sorry I didn’t remind you,” Benjamin was the most organized of the group, and most intelligent. He and Olivia were best friends, though their personalities were quite different. Benjamin was full of intelligence- Olivia was a waste of intelligence. She was actually a very smart girl, probably the smartest girl of her class, but she did not, for some reason, like to show it. Benjamin could easily concentrate, while Olivia was a day-dreamer; Benjamin was shy and Olivia was extrovert. Though she seemed rude and outgoing, Olivia was really a kind and helpful person who often had anger problems which resulted from the death of her father when she was twelve. She would talk about anything but her father- she kept that deep, deep inside her.
“So what are you planning to do?” Benjamin asked, not addressing his question to anyone in particular.
“I don’t know. Thank God internet was created!” Olivia answered,
“Invented, you mean,” Sarah said, correcting her.
“Since when do you correct me?” Olivia asked in a joking manner and they giggled again. The two love-birds didn’t even pay attention to them- they were locked up in ‘love world’.
“I am never stepping foot in that world!” Screwing her face at the sight, Sarah looked disgusted at her friends high in happiness.
“Just look what it’s done to them! They used to hate each other!” Benjamin spoke, though he had thought of doing such things with Paige.
“Yeah,” Olivia too was no longer paying attention. She started gazing into the distance, with her mouth half open. She wasn’t so cliché to be looking at the most popular guy in the school- in fact, it was the opposite- the most popular guy in the school had a thing for her. And everyone knew. But she was eyeing someone else- they last guy anyone would suspect. Not the nerd, nor the guy who would never do anything with his life, but the rock-loving-emo-gay-guy. Yes, gay. She hated the fact that she had a crush on a gay, it was too awkward. So awkward that she hadn’t told anyone about it.

You’re disgusting!She told herself. Why are you not like other people? She was getting mad at herself, and her crush. Brad, why the hell are you gay?

When school ended that afternoon, Olivia, Tim and Sarah walked home together. Robynne had been picked up by her step-mum and Benjamin had left school earlier for a dentist appointment.
“Let’s take the bus, I’m freezing!” Tim suggested, and instead of walking straight towards their homes, they turned to go to the closest bus stop.

Suddenly, as if it were a coincidence that Olivia was thinking of Brad, he and his friends came walking towards the bus stop too. They were all in the same class and knew each other well so the usual greeting was a spud.
“Has everyone done that history project yet?” Andy, one of Brad’s friends asked openly. A lot of “no’s” and giggling went around. Brad didn’t say no, nor did he giggle.
“Actually, I’ve started but…I forgot to finish. I need to ask my grandpa for help,”
“Is he that old?” Laughed Josephine, Brad’s best friend. Olivia remembered when the three of them were really close. Maybe having two girls as best friends turned him into a homo…Although she wished she was still close to them- like before. Everyone laughed at Josephine’s comment.
“Yeah! That’s it!” He responded sarcastically, “No, it’s ‘cause he’s a historian. He can really help. But he’s old so I’m not going to cont on him too much.”
The bus arrived and the whole crowd jumped on, half-filling the bus with their bodies and voices. Olivia luckily managed to get a seat next to Brad.
“Are you good in history?” She asked, just to bring up a conversation.
“I guess. I don’t know. But I know you’re not!” He laughed and for the first time, Olivia wanted to be better at history.
“Yeah. But I want to get better. Do you think we can partner up? I really need a good grade this term or else…” Or else what? She thought. But it didn’t matter what, Brad was already nodding his head.
“Sure, yeah, I’d like a bit of help going through books and stuff.”
She felt like smiling and giving him a kiss on the cheek, but it was inappropriate. Don’t hope anything, you’re not his type.

When Olivia arrived home, her mother was waiting for her in the kitchen, leaning over the work station.
“Hi, mum,” She greeted in a happy mood, until her mum started talking.
“Mr. Briston called me today. He said that you need to sit up in class and that he’s talked with you many times about it. Well?”
“Well what? Yes, we’ve talked,”
“And?” Olivia shrugged at this ‘question’. “You have a project to do, I understand? He said he gave it two weeks ago and I haven’t seen a slight sign of you working on it,”
“I promise I will work on it. In fact, I’ll start the research today. I’ve partnered up with this guy that’s agreed to work with me. He says his grandpa’s a historian,”
“A historian, you say? So is yours!” She paused for a moment, as if she were in thought, “Alright. But I’m keeping a close eye on your history grades…and that partner of yours.” Olivia felt like laughing at the last comment her mother made, but it would have sounded fake.
“He’s gay!” She tried to sound disgusted, but she felt sadly disappointed. Why was what she was saying true?

She went up to her room, and automatically did what almost every teenager did when they arrived home from school: switch on the laptop and open 'MSN'.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams




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Wow, this was great though I don't think your title flatters your writing genious. History sounds bland and plain, and your story frankly isn't. I haven't really got any suggestions but I must say the first thing that stuck out was that little road block. I'm not saying that you have to change it, but it would be a good idea. Lots of good books go to waste because of rather slow titles. [And don't worry, I'm not being an ogre when I say that because, I, to know how it feels, titles suck!]

Another thing I found rather troubling is the amount of characters you brought out in the first chapter. Mainly, in a first chapter, you are just introducing the MC, one - four characters, the setting, a slight guideline as to what the reader is to expect (otherwise known as a drawer) and maybe a slight problem that isn't connected to the plot (boyfriend leaving, best friend hating you, etc.). Otherwise you cannot go overboard because you lose the reader with the large amount of characters and other info dumps that are not neccessary. This is another problem I suffer from so don't worry.

In one story I wrote, I ended up adding ten maybe even more characters the you're supposed to and immediatly whips started flashing because everyone who read it told to me to not place so much people in. The reason is because it is hard to learn about them as a person, and see some kind of root that could lead to character development or even personalities and trust me that is a major factor in successful writing. All the Bestsellers are stories with good character development and if you don't hit the nail hard with the hammer in the first chapter, its hard to rope the reader in during the rest. No one wants to read a novel with characters that have next to nothing personality or no major development.

Now, I'm just going to recollect the main points of that because I tend to blabber: lessen the amount of characters. Just a tad, keep Brad, keep some of the friends but don't have them all coming in at once because I can hardly remember their names. And...and place some more personality into them. They don't really shine like they should.

Another factor that stood out, and which trips many writers, is show not tell. You need to do more of this because all I can see is tell in chapter one though a lot of show in the prologue. Show not tell simply means that you explain things such as settings, events that are occuring and characters, romancising really, whilst tell is dumping information in front of someone like a slab of cold meat. What I suggest you doing is layering. This helps me to romance my writing up and it can also help you.

Layering is where you go through and remove or add things that makes the chapter more classical and smooth. You definitely have to remove the amount of characters and you have to explain such things as appearance of the school, of characters and some personalty (spice it up). When you explained Olivia, I got a very different picture.

He and Olivia were best friends, though their personalities were quite different. Benjamin was full of intelligence- Olivia was a waste of intelligence. She was actually a very smart girl, probably the smartest girl of her class, but she did not, for some reason, like to show it. Benjamin could easily concentrate, while Olivia was a day-dreamer; Benjamin was shy and Olivia was extrovert. Though she seemed rude and outgoing, Olivia was really a kind and helpful person who often had anger problems which resulted from the death of her father when she was twelve. She would talk about anything but her father- she kept that deep, deep inside her.


See here as you say she is extrovert, well I actually found her quiet. I actually thought she was little more refined in herself then any of the group. Day dreaming as you pointed out fits her well but I wouldn't consider her 'out-going'. If you want to stick with this you have to place it in the dialogue and her actions because I'm getting a very different vibe. Add a joke or something, that's what I do.

All in all, this was a great read and I cannot wait to read more. There weren't to many grammatical errors, not something you couldn't fix with a little layering. I hope that my advice came to some help, I'd like to elaborate a little more but Mum is getting angry about me being on the computer to late. It's only nine pm, I don't see what's so bad about it. Nonetheless, I must be going, good luck in your future novels and chapters of this one.

Apple.
I spy!



Quotegenworthy is a adjective which should be used on YWS way more.
— NovemberCrow