A Teaser for Chapter One of my fantasy debut!

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 300
Reviews 0
I'll admit that not a whole lot is done as of yet, but I thought while I'm in progress and that I haven't much up here, that I might post a snip it' of chapter one. It's a Fantasy based novel, obviously by the genre description I chose, but as of right now it contains no fantasy elements really. That will come later...
-I'd love your opinions on the work so far guys! :)



Chapter One




Blood seeped from under the horses’ hooves and into the creek flowing just beyond the Griffith farm. Several men carried with them the stench of sin, their breath smothered with its bite; an affliction that swelled beneath the skin and threatened the morals of men.

A coarse individual jutted out from the wedge of strangers; the others following behind him in stupor. His purpose was uncertain and manifested into exhaustion.

The leaves that flourished along the forest floor were soaked in fertility and dew, yet still they cracked under the trampling of neglect – replaced with the sorrow weeping from familiar wildlife.

Intent sank into the spine of the grizzled man near the back, causing himself to quiver toward the grange that peeked through the morning haze ahead. In response to his comrade, the man escorting halted the party, pulled at the reigns of his own steed and gazed into the distance. The sockets beneath his brow seemed deserted and endless; his vision consumed with the vegetation persisting along the confines of the Griffith’s fallowed crops.

Instead of burrowing his curiosity, the shaggier rider cantered his way to the front as well, licked the length of his knife, sealing it with a chain of malicious laughter. Their leader carefully reached into the holster on his back for a rifle, and cocked it.

A mix of inebriation and iniquity reverberated among the forest’s canopy, startling a flock of birds like an intangible prophecy. They fabricated a cloud of distress – an omen whispered amongst the villagers as a sign of grievous danger.

Fate would have it that a relentless wind would seize the feathered creatures, relaying the billow in the opposite direction.

***** ***** *****




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 790
Reviews 2
Wow, it seems really good so far, I was immediately intrigued by the descriptive language use in the first paragraph. I can't wait until you post more as I beleive your brilliant writing skills paired with the powerful genre of fantasy will be just amazing!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Hey hey ^^

There's some powerful language here and in general I'm loving the writing style, it smarts of epic fantasy to me which is good because you're already setting the genre. I think it's maybe a little wordy in places for my liking but meh, I can go along with that so long as there's some good plot and characterisation :)

Here's a few comments:

Blood seeped from under the horses’ hooves and into the creek flowing just beyond the Griffith farm. [An interesting image but I'm trying to work out where the blood is coming from. The horses? Have they been stepping in blood or the men or... hmm. Seeping suggests it's fresh and flowing, usually from an open wound. Maybe you could have a line to clear that up though?] Several men carried with them the stench of sin, their breath smothered with its bite; an affliction that swelled beneath the skin and threatened the morals of men.

A coarse individual jutted out from the wedge of strangers; the others following behind him in a stupor. His purpose was uncertain and manifested into exhaustion.

The leaves that flourished along the forest floor were soaked in fertility and dew, yet still they cracked under the trampling of neglect – replaced with the sorrow weeping from familiar wildlife.

Intent sank into the spine of the grizzled man near the back, causing himself to quiver toward the grange that peeked through the morning haze ahead. In response to his comrade, the man escorting halted the party, pulled [Should possibly be pulling?] at the reigns of his own steed and gazed into the distance. The sockets beneath his brow seemed deserted and endless; his vision consumed with the vegetation persisting along the confines of the Griffith’s fallowed crops.

Instead of burrowing his curiosity, the shaggier rider cantered his way to the front as well, licked the length of his knife, sealing it with a chain of malicious laughter. Their leader carefully reached into the holster on his back for a rifle, and cocked it.

A mix of inebriation and iniquity reverberated among the forest’s canopy, startling a flock of birds like an intangible prophecy. They fabricated a cloud of distress – an omen whispered amongst the villagers as a sign of grievous danger.

Fate would have it that a relentless wind would seize the feathered creatures, relaying the billow in the opposite direction.


I think you set the scene well and manage to put across how tired and beaten down the men are without repeating yourself. Very nicely done. Let me know when you've added a little more, I'd be very happy to read on :)

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz