A Rose for Whom it May Concern

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We hung our legs over the edge of a springtime of wisteria, calling back to the birds that made their homecoming heard. We told you, try listening with your ears instead of with your predisposition. You were hardly in a position to argue with Father watching from the window. You asked us when roses would be in bloom, and we laughed at you.

“You more stupid than you look, boy? You see any rosebushes here?”

You said, well, no. But roses had always been your favorite. So the girls all giggled at you and the boys laughed too hard because that’s the way that boys are. “Roses?” They chided you, and continued to laugh, and you looked upon them with disdainful familiarity.

I said to you, don’t worry about it, the new kid always has it rough.

When summer came we told you to try not to breathe so deeply – oleanders were in bloom that time of year. You had two black eyes and ten different stories for each, but it was summer and we were kids. I guess when you’re a kid, belief is relative. If there were ten of us, and only ten, and we all believed something, didn’t that technically make it true?

As in, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Just don’t tell mom and dad because they’ll say no, and then it can’t be true anymore. But if there’s no one to yell false, then that’s that, and your bruises came from falling down or walking in the dark.

What did we care, anyway, with beauty and danger both blooming in the heat; you suggested without smiling that it was a good time of year for poison to be so abundant.

We were all sort of walking in the dark, anyway.

With the arrival of autumn we played in the leaves as though we had never aged at all, but you maintained that it was your least favorite season because everything was dying, and there was no way to stop it. We didn’t know what to say, so we told you that, well, that’s the point, right? Give everything a nice farewell and then await its return. Except you just shook your head and walked away, and we still didn’t really worry.

We should have worried, probably. Because we knew that you didn’t want to be at home. So where could you be if not with us?

And when winter chased off all our midnight games of cops and robbers, it chased you off too. We were always come and go like that, I guess.

Before the service, they told us all that roses were expensive, and it was nice of us to want to buy them, but unnecessary.

We didn’t understand that unnecessary was a euphemism for people not wanting to spend money on dead kids, I guess.

So we pooled all of our money together and bought as many roses as we could afford, and the girls didn’t giggle and the boys didn’t laugh. We didn’t really look each other in the eyes anymore; it was, in essence, the act of being lead away from the dark. In our new, clumsy youth, we stumbled across uneven surfaces, fawns unused to life and light, blinking away the confusion. We never talked about it after that day - some silent mutual agreement stated that, well, no one needs to know that it was sort of our fault, that we should have seen it coming, that we should have said something.

I figure that it’s just belief, being relative again. If there were ten of us, and only ten, and we all believed that we couldn’t have done anything, then it had to be true. There was no one to contradict us.

Except, well, there was. Because I don’t think we ever really believed it.

As in, no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

Just please don’t tell mom and dad.


Spoiler
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.


-Francis Pharcellus Church, The New York Sun, September 21, 1897




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I have a question. Did you write this dry eyed? It was truly a beautiful piece, really was. I normally don't have the attention span to finish pieces on the romance forum, but this was really amazing. I don't even see any nitpicking that I can provide you with. It wasn't like any other piece I have ever read, not at all when I had expected. Really wonderful meaning. Your word choice, needless to say, was phenomenal. It reminds me of an experience in my own life, actually. I'm hoping you were never struck with a tragedy like this deals with, but you really pin pointed the feelings. It was all very believable. I don't know. I think that was pretty darn wonderful.
If I die young,
Bury me in satin,
Lay me down
In a
Bed of roses
Sink me in a river
At dawn
Send me away
With the words
Of a love song.




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Hey neversaynikki!

I haven't reviewed on here for about six months, so forgive me if I'm not very helpful :)

First off. Wow! I loved the intensity of this piece. It really was a beautiful read :) Your wording was brilliant; the whole thing sounded rather poetic. I enjoyed reading it, which is a good thing :)

You drew me into the world you created and I couldn't stop reading until I was done - props to you as I'm easily distracted :P

I'm a bit rusty when it comes to nit-piking so I could only pick out a couple of things;

We never talked about it after that day - some silent mutual agreement stated that, well, no one needs to know that it was sort of our fault, that we should have seen it coming, that we should have said something.


This sentence seems a little long to me. Maybe try splitting it into smaller pieces.

E.g. 'We never talked about it after that day - some silent mutual agreement stated that, well, no one needs to know that it was sort of our fault. That we should have seen it coming. We should have said something.'

Just a suggestion :)

fawns unused to life and light,


Okay, this is probably just me, but I'm not sure if I like the use of 'unused' here. Ignore me if you think I'm just being picky, but for me, it distracted away from my reading for a second. I had to reread the sentence to get it to go in.

Maybe try 'not used' instead. Again, just a suggestion :)

So... Thanks for the great read! I know this hasn't been a proper review, but I hope I've helped at least a little!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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This is awesome. Seriously. I love your writing style and your description is beautiful. You opened with some great imagery and developed your characters well considering how short the piece is. And I like how you didn't explicitly say what the ending was and just sort of hinted at it. I like how you go back to the "if ten people believe in something does it make it true?" towards the end as well. I don't really have anything to complain about, just keep doing what you're doing. More of this stuff!
Matt.




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We hung our legs over the edge of a springtime of wisteria,

Your word choice in this confused me. What are you trying to say in here? And I know that if I can't understand it, there's bound to be more who won't either. Reword it.

You said, well, no. But roses had always been your favorite.

I believe the bolded area should be in quotes.

I said to you, don’t worry about it, the new kid always has it rough.

Again, quotes in bolded area.

As in, no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

Get rid of that comma. Unless you're saying something like, "No, Virginia, you can't have that." But if you're trying to say, "There's no Virginia" then remove it.

End note: Interesting story. I'll take a shot in the dark and say you're trying to write like they do in classic literature. The tone is weird and there little to no emotion. I don't really feel the sadness in the words at the end when you're describing the dead kids funeral.

Anyways, if you need another review, you can find me in chat most of the time, or just PM.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




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Dear Nikki,

This was amazing! I mean real top of the line work here. My gosh, Nikki! I don't know what to say. It was so deep. I don't know what to say. This made me want to cry a bit, it was so sweet. Words can not express the feelings I had upon reading the last line. I saw no mistakes, but that might be because I was not looking for them. Even so, I don't think there are any mistakes in this.

I figure that it’s just belief, being relative again. If there were ten of us, and only ten, and we all believed that we couldn’t have done anything, then it had to be true. There was no one to contradict us.

Except, well, there was. Because I don’t think we ever really believed it.

As in, no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

Just please don’t tell mom and dad.
I loved this so much.

I sense myself getting repetitive with the constant voicings of how much I adored this story, though I don't believe I used the word adored before. Anyway, like I said and will now say again, I loved this.

Keep writing.

Cosmic
Eat me. Drink Me.

"In the wasteland of the red queen it's no wonder our stage clothes have dreams to be famous. Trees in the courtyard are painted in blood. So I've heard she hands the headless upside down to drain. Eat me, drink me. This is only a game. This is only a game..."




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Oh my sweet goodness. I almost cried!
This piece is incredible. I love how you went back to the girls giggling and boys laughing at him
(
The girls didn’t giggle and the boys didn’t laugh.
)
It made it more intense.. as if it needed it ;_; Great job ;)
& maybe it's true
We don't know what we have till we lose it
But maybe it's also true
We don't know what we're missing
Till we [find it]



akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon