tuesday, the eighteenth of january.

This is probably the first real poem that I've written - I also wrote it about five minutes ago. I've been missing out, haven't I?

[This version is edited. Thank you all for your feedback!]
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often she shuts her eyes: tanned half-moons shaking and fluttering and
completely devoid of makeup.
it’s cold, so her lips part and she exhales fast,
pushing the morning dragon out: puff puff puff.

she wishes that she did not
suck the blood from her pinky when she
cut it on a knife five years ago.
ow. don’t hurt it, mama.

she stands up, muscles numb. around the house she walks,
staring at lifeless objects lounging about:
those cursed fat boars on a farm.
the empty teacup sits on a table. she

picks it up, leaving
an icky brown circular stain behind. the teacup is cold, distinctly reminiscent of
the pale sweaty cheeks of the deceased.
it smells like earl grey and laughs at her. so she
drops it; it cracks in three: now it is dead.
her bare feet slip over the little porcelain crumbles as she walks by –
they pierce like baby daggers between her toes.
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thank you. ♥

Hi bm,

Well, for a first poem, this is very good! Your sense of flow and stream-of-consciousness is excellent. I have a few comments to improve the way the poem reads.

often she shuts her eyes: tanned half-moons shaking and fluttering and
completely devoid of makeup. these first two lines are broken up awkwardly. maybe you could make "often she shuts her eyes: and tanned half-moons shaking and fluttering and completely devoid of makeup two lines, or just try to break it up some other way. this goes for the rest of the poem--each line should be approximately the same length. this will make it read better as well as be more aesthetically pleasing.
it is cold. her lips part and she exhales fast,
pushing the morning dragon out: puff puff puff. I love this! I can just imagine that, and I'd never thought of it that way before but it's perfect!

she wishes that she did not
suck the blood out from her pinky when she cut it on a
knife five years ago.
ow. don’t hurt it, mama. This is a bit confusing. I don't know if you meant it to be obscure, but If you didn't you may want to clear up what you mean by that.

she stands up, muscles numb and without feeling. around the house she walks,
staring at lifeless objects sitting like fat boars on a farm:
lazy whores.
the empty teacup sits on a table. she this transition is awkward

picks it up, leaving
an icky brown circular stain behind. the teacup is cold (it smells
like earl grey) and laughs at her.
so she drops it; it cracks in three: now it is dead.
her bare feet slip over the little porcelain crumbles as she walks by –
they pierce like baby daggers between her toes.this is a really powerful ending

I think you've done a nice job on this--as I said, the phrases are broken up awkwardly. Also, each paragraph is almost completely different from the last. I like the way you tell it, but I'm not entirely sure what the poem is about. Anyway, nice job and keep working on it!

First of all, I adore this. If this is your first attempt at poetry, then I can't wait to read more. You don't want to hear my first attempts.

Anyways- onto the review.

often she shuts her eyes: tanned half-moons shaking and fluttering and
completely devoid of makeup.

This is excellent imagery- you have an excellent command of language and a really unique way of looking at things. However, I have two problems with this:
1) I didn't know what you were talking about at first-- provided, I did experience that confusion at about 6AM this morning when I first read this. But, to be perfectly honest, I don't how I would change it to fix it.
2) The imagery kind of creates contradictory thoughts. "tanned" makes me think darker skin, bronze and summery, and then "half-moons", while providing an excellent shape and concept, makes me think pale and delicate.

it is cold. her lips part and she exhales fast,

The first clause feels rhythmically awkward. I think that maybe you could change "it is" to a contraction, and maybe consider changing the period to a semi-colon or something.

she wishes that she did not
suck the blood out from her pinky when she cut it on a
knife five years ago.
ow. don’t hurt it, mama.

I love this- it gives a personal, emotional layer to this character that you're weaving. However, I do have a problem with it. While it does provide that depth, it also seems somewhat unrelated to the actual piece. I feel like if you're going to include this part, you need to connect it to the actual poem a bit more.

she stands up, muscles numb and without feeling. around the house she walks,
staring at lifeless objects sitting like fat boars on a farm:
lazy whores.
the empty teacup sits on a table. she

I would remove "and without feeling" because I feel it's too repetitive, and, in the end, really isn't necessary. It doesn't add any unique or interesting description, so it might be best to go for articulation in this situation.
While "lazy whores" lends a nice, strong tone to your character and a bitter tone that seems really human, but again, it feels disconnected from the picture we're getting, and seems like an odd way to describe inanimate objects.

picks it up, leaving
an icky brown circular stain behind. the teacup is cold (it smells
like earl grey) and laughs at her.
so she drops it; it cracks in three: now it is dead.
her bare feet slip over the little porcelain crumbles as she walks by –
they pierce like baby daggers between her toes.

I love the imagery and simple emotion that's in this; it reminds me of many a tea-drinking, and that's exactly how it feels.
You might consider slipping a little piece of comparison in "the teacup is cold", some small feeling of surprise at HOW cold it is. Sounds stupid, but I'm always kind of taken aback at how quickly it cools off and suddenly feels like cold stone. I love the mention of earl grey because it's such a familiar and strong scent, and really brings an atmosphere to end.
Great conclusion and everything.




Overall: Definitely taken aback that this is your first attempt. You have a really nice sense of rhythm and description, and include nice familiar sensations that allow the reader to involve themselves into your piece. I would work on being more consistent with your theme, tones, and images, but otherwise: excellent.

-Coral-