Haunted.

Part one. (Enjoy. )

I plugged in my ipod, listening to my favorite song, Haunted, by Taylor Swift. Tonight was the football game. Great. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love football, and my high school team is in the playoffs to go to the state championships, but, I really would've liked to watch it in my nice, warm home, drinking something hot and laughing at the people in the stands who are freezing their butts off. My parents, though, had a different idea, and thought I was "alone to much." so they're taking me against my will.

I protested, reading out lines from the law, but, they just shook they're fingers at me and sent me to my room to get dressed for the game. I chose my blue knit jacket, my white, wool vest, and a maroon scarf. Walking over to a little box, I opened it, revealing an abundance of clips to to in my hair. I chose a little white lily with small feathers in it. I loved those clips. This one was from my grandma. I kissed it. "Love you Grandma." I whispered. "Skye! We'll be late!" my mother called.

"Coming!" I ran down the stairs, and we filed out into the car. "Cheer up, Skye. You'll have a great time." My mom nudged me. Sure. I'll have a great time! Oh, did I mention the cold? Not to mention a lot of my friends would be there. Curse my life. I silently shook my fist in the air. I could tell we were there because of all the lights and the loud crowd. "We'll be in the middle of the stands, in section E, ok, honey? Now, go have fun!" And just like that, I was shivering, in the middle of the parking lot. Sighing, I decided to head for the back of the stands, where it was warm, and they were selling condiments.

Then I was attacked by my friend Ali. "Jeez, Ali, could you be more-more-"
"What? excited, crazy, spastic?" She laughed.
"All of the above." I laughed with her. Then, he came by, with his group. Right then and there, I froze, not being able to think, blushing, trying to run away and hide. "Oh. Woah." Ali said, following my line of sight. It almost appeared as if he looked at me, almost mouthing "help." That was Carson. We're friends, but I like him. Like a him a lot. "Ali?" I turned to her. "Can-can you do me a favor?" Her eyes sparkled with the possibilities of my question. She nodded, almost bouncing.

I leaned over, whispering in her ear. Finally. I couldn't do it, but I knew that Ali could. She turned and walked away, almost dancing. I waited. And waited. I started to think she forgot. Then I spotted her. "Hey?!" I stopped her, nervous but excited to hear her answer. All I needed was the look in her eyes, the hollowness, the sorrow. I stumbled backward. "I'm sorry, Skye." She tried to embrace me in a hug, but I just turned my back, fighting back this unknown emotion building up in me. "It's ok."

I walked away, everything going into slow motion. Suddenly, the song Haunted popped into my mind, making me feel worse. "Out!" I almost screamed, pounding my head. Some people turned to look at me with quizzical looks. I started running. Running helped me forget things easily. Running felt like flying to me. I could do it forever. Without looking, I broke through his little group, squeezing my eyes shut, biting my lip. I thought I heard something from a girl in his group, or a protest from a guy, but I didn't pay any attention. The crowd starting thinning, the farther I ran from the stadium. Soon, I was in a deserted field, probably a baseball field.

Something rumbled above. A raindrop or two landed on me. Then it started to pour. Lightning flashed. Thunder rumbled. "Why?!" I screamed. "Why?!" What I really wanted to say was, why was I so naive? I knew it was impossible. Impossible for him to love me back. I started to cry hysterically, falling over on my side, crying, the rain seeping through my clothes. Then, I spotted something running toward me. I just brought my knees closer to me, while I cried like a stupid baby.

It was still raining, and I felt something touch my shoulder, a soft voice speaking to me. What's wrong? It asked.
Everything! I wanted to scream. The rain started to soften a bit, but its icy cold sting stayed there. "I'm whats wrong! I knew-I knew it was impossible!" Impossible for what? It sounded like it knew what I was talking about, so I didn't bother to explain. "Impossible," I sobbed, "For him to love me." My blurry vision sharpened a bit, and I didn't realize I was shaking to the bone, having trouble breathing.

What was touching my shoulder turned out to be a hand. What was talking to me turned out to be a boy. But I couldn't figure out his facial features, so I couldn't identify him. Strong, secure arms, picked me up, and he held me against my chest. Suddenly, I felt lightheaded, whatever I saw started to blur into a massive blob, and I blacked out.

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Beep. Beep. Beep. Instinctively, I reached over to smash the snooze button on my alarm clock. Instead, I felt a hand. I cracked open my eyes, a little more until my eyes were fully open. "D-dad?" He was sleeping. I was in a white gown, no, wait, a hospital gown. I looked around, and saw I was on a bed, in a white room, the beeping a heart moniter. Tubes went up my nose, giving me air. "Honey?" My mom walked in, softly. "M-mom?"
"Honey, I'm here."
"M-mom, what happened?"
"This boy found you, curled up in a baseball field while it was pouring rain. He got into some accident or something because when he gave you to us, he was bloody, and you had some pretty gruesome scars your self. The doctors say that your in severe condition, including a pretty bad case of hypothermia."

I tried to sit up, but winced in pain as I couldn't. "I-I was running." I started to recall. My mom started to listen, I could tell, but she didn't show any sign that she was. "I-I was upset, about something, and just, sat there. Then, I heard a voice talking to me." That was all I could remember. "Ok, honey." She patted my shoulder, kissed my forhead, then woke my dad, telling him it was time to leave. "She needs some time alone." I heard I they walked out the door. I leaned my head back against my pillow, trying to remember, anything, about last night.

"It won't work." Said a voice. My head whipped around, and saw him, standing in my room, silently shutting the door. Biting my lip, I turned my head away. "Go away."
"Can't." Carson said. He appeared next to me, startling me. "Just, please!" I whined. "Never." His voice changed to something more demonic, horrifying, and so did his appearance. He was bloody, with razor sharp teeth, and a tail like a lizard. He grabbed my wrists, and I started beating him, screaming. "Let go! Let go! Let go!" I pounded on him, thrashing around in my bed.

"Skye! Skye!" Suddenly, he was normal, my heart monitor beeping like crazy. I stopped thrashing, panting. He stroked my forehead. Then he pulled back, a look of longing filled his eyes. "You were-and I was-" I sputtered, my eyes wide. His brows were now knit in concentration. I saw him murmur something, but I didn't catch it. He leaned down and hugged me. It felt like forever. Then he left. And I didn't see him for a long time.

Part Two.

That night still haunts me. Carson now watches me, as if he's waiting for something bad to happen to me, and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. He has a girlfriend. I'm still a loner with dreams. I don't go to big crowds anymore, either, which means no more football games. I heard later on that our team won the state championship. But I didn't care. Actually, I'd rather not think about it at all. The girl Carson has as his girlfriend gives me looks of hate and disgust. I don't care. She didn't have, and probably won't ever, have a moment in her life which haunts her.

One day I asked my mom what happened to my little lily hair clip. "Don't know, honey. I'm sorry. It must've... fallen off, that day." I nodded. The next day, it was at my desk in school. But spattered with blood. I gently put it in my backpack, not wanting another reminder. That was the day I decided to sit alone at lunch. So I did. In the food room, I grabbed a piece of pizza, and an orange. "Not much, eh?" Carson smiled. "Yea. I'm not hungry." I didn't look directly at him. Instead I just looked ahead, thanked the lunch lady for my lunch as I paid, and walked to a deserted table.

Everyone thought I was a weirdo now, and mentally disturbed. Which made sitting alone even easier. Sitting alone let me think about that night. What had happened when I blacked out? Why was Carson watching me so protectively now? He doesn't even like me. It was all so confusing. Then he sat next to me. I didn't speak. I stayed silent. I peeked a look around my shoulder. Carson's girlfriend was glaring at me, his little friends looked struck with anger, and people just stared. "So." I said, biting my pizza. "Yes?" He said, looking happy that I was talking to him. His face fell, though, when I didn't respond.

Finally, I spoke. "I'm not your girlfriend. You don't love me. Why all the looks?" I said, chewing my pizza. "Your observant." He mumbled, almost disappointed. I studied him. Then his appearance changed. Changed into that demon like in the hospital. It turned and looked at me, smiling evilly. It took all my self control to stifle my scream, my eyes wide. "Skye?" It was him again. Normal. "Skye? What's wrong?" He looked worried. I gulped. "Nothing." The image burned into my mind. "Please, tell me." He reached out to grab my hand, then pulled back.

Hesitating, I finally answered. "Sometimes-sometimes when I look at you, I see something else. A demonic figure. Its-It's bloody, scars that bleed everywhere, sharp teeth, scaled skin, and a tale, like a lizard. That-that time in the hospital, it was there, and-and-" I stopped. The bell rang. I was the first to stand up. Grabbing my bags, I rushed to dump my tray, and looked back. There was Carson, looking stunned, not moving, even with protest from his girlfriend. She looked at me, then started to walk towards me. I rushed out of the cafeteria.

"Don't think you can get away with this." She snarled. All of a sudden, there she was, in front of me. I spotted her name on a bracelet. Calleria. That's what it said. "Calleria." I snarled back. "Don't think for a minute you own me. Because the truth is, you don't." with that, I grabbed her wrist and twisted it violently. She screamed in pain. But I was gone before she could point out the villain. Me.

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I was in swirling darkness. A white dress, though torn and spattered with blood, was wrapped around me body. I ran, trying to escape this dark, endless place. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. Soon, I realized, I was standing in water. Black, churning water that seemed to lap up at me, to drag me down. It was an ocean. A black ocean. What was supposed to be sand beneath my feet felt like broken shards of sharp glass, cutting into my soles.

I walked further into the ocean, the water coming up to my waist. Suddenly, something shot to my ankle, grasping it, startling me. Again, I tried to scream out, for I saw people on the beach. But they just turned, and stared at me. The exhaustion of the fight drained all my energy, and I was soon neck deep in the water. Closing my eyes, I was dragged under. It was calming, almost. The water was black, opaque, though, I sensed more around me. The grasp was released, and there it was on my shoulder again. The same touch, the same feel, as the one in the field that night.

I couldn't see my captor, only sense it. I heard a low, soft murmur echo through the waters. I could almost make it out. Yet I couldn't. Blue eyes pierced the water, looking at me. That radiance spread through the water, suddenly revealing who it was. It was him. Just, floating there. In-front of me. He was trying to say something, I could tell, but his lips were moving so fast, I couldn't hear at all.

Then something flashed out at him, making him drop like a stone to the deep, dark, depths of the endless dark ocean. And my only light went down with it. Soon, I was engulfed in darkness. I swam around, until something pinned me to a wall of black coral.

It was Calleria. She smiled evilly, making my whole body shake. When she backed off, I couldn't move from the wall. I thrashed around, trying to break the invisible grasp, but I was unlucky with that. Soon I saw why she backed away. Centhias com lactivate! She yelled, and that demonic monster appeared. But more of them cam out, each one more uglier, bloodier, and more demonic than the other.

And they all lunged at me.

I woke up, screaming, feeling my body for scars. Nothing. But I swore that when I woke up, I saw those same, blood red eyes of those monsters.


(Stayed tuned for the next chapter!)

Per my regular style, here comes the knit pick first then the general after

First off, i'm not a big fan of first person narratives. i find them so...diary-esque.
Mentioning Taylor Swift in the first paragraph, and a specific song at that, kind of lends a rather limited audience. No 1 i havent heard this song, so i am immediately inable to get into the character, secondly it limites how long this could last. as in say this was to get published, you would already be dated by the time its out.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I love football, and my high school team is in the playoffs to go to the state championships, but, I really would've liked to watch it in my nice, warm home, drinking something hot and laughing at the people in the stands who are freezing their butts off." comma overload!!!! break this up a bit. if you run out of breath reading it out loud chances are its a run on sentance.

** Make sure you get your 'their, there, they're' to be the correct ones** You continually use They're when you should use their.

"clips to to in my hair." Missing word?

"...Grandma." I whispered. "Skye! We'll be late!" my mother called." You need to make sure that when you do speech that you have each character on a different line. like this
"Hello," She said
"Hello," He replied.

"we filed out into the car." You seem to rush through your descriptions. If you are writing this to be read you need to make sure the reader can keep up. We're making a movie in our head. Now, yes there are some movies with clips of little bits of motion... but those arent what I like to watch. I like to actually see my characters doing normal things, not constantly jumping from one scene to another with no flow or segue into it.


What's mom like? I dont even really know what the main character is like besides having a fetish for hair clips. you need to set these characters up more before rushing into the story.

"And just like that, I was shivering, in the middle of the parking lot. Sighing, I decided to head for the back of the stands, where it was warm, and they were selling condiments. " And just like that.. is correct, we are jumped into it almost like it was fast forward. The whole time your character is thinking you could stretch it out. Maybe have her looking out the window pouting. mom is singing to the radio annoying her or something.

"Then, he came by, with his group." Again with the jumping from scene to scene. hard to follow. or want to follow.


Play out the heavy emotional scenes. Describe her heart break, let us feel it. You need to dig up the pain and throw it out on the page (it is better to have more then less, for we can always take away)


Ok the paragraph about the empty field and the thunder and lightening is a biiiiit much. its just way too dramatic and over the top. Sure shakespear did the whole environment matching his character's emotion thing, but in real life with a teenager it is really overdone. Maybe rain, but a full on storm?

"Then, I spotted something running toward me. I just brought my knees closer to me, while I cried like a stupid baby. " Without all the drama before, I could see this happening. Maybe her quietly sniffling not wanting to draw attention to herself. Hell I have been there where you just want to roll into a ball of self pity... but thats it self pity is typically quiet and whimpering and pathetic. I like the voice you are putting out here. its like we are starting to see some personality.

Um... the blackout was kind of random. clorophorm? did he drug her? whats going on! you dont just blackout from a crying bout. and as someone who has cried, in the rain, you can still see things. so i dont understand why he was so murky.
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"This boy found you, curled up in a baseball field while it was pouring rain. He got into some accident or something because when he gave you to us, he was bloody, and you had some pretty gruesome scars your self. The doctors say that your in severe condition, including a pretty bad case of hypothermia." Ok. I like where this is going. We are getting some relationship between mom and daughter (and by the we in here im assuming theres a dad). I think you should play her waking slowly.. taking in her surroundings, what she sees.

"She patted my shoulder, kissed my forhead, then woke my dad, telling him it was time to leave. "She needs some time alone." I heard I they walked out the door. I leaned my head back against my pillow, trying to remember, anything, about last night. " okay. this needs to be more realistic. I have been in a hospital, i have had my mom there. and seriously she almost had to be hospitalized because she wouldnt leave to eat (eventually ya) but generally speaking you need to drag the mother away from her baby (no matter how old) cause damnit thats her baby! you need to play this in. especially becuase your character seems quite young. chances are mom would lecture or ask more questions.. not just accept it and say, ok well its best you think. if anything their probably wondering about suicidal tendancies and going to have her under crazy supervision.

what did he say?! i wanna know (and no my whining is not a bad thing, but good.)

Ah this mysterious almost summary like "chapter" its fun and nice. drag it out a bit more. dont rush it. i like all the hidden looks and meanings. maybe make their conversation a bit more.. hidden. not just in the placement of it.
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ooo a dream. i like this one too. make sure to remember your quotation marks.

"It was Calleria. She smiled evilly, making my whole body shake. When she backed off, I couldn't move from the wall. I thrashed around, trying to break the invisible grasp, but I was unlucky with that. Soon I saw why she backed away. Centhias com lactivate! She yelled, and that demonic monster appeared. But more of them cam out, each one more uglier, bloodier, and more demonic than the other. " the last two sentances are hard to get. they are choppy and not reading right. make sure to have the quotation marks and make sure we know who the "she" is that things are coming from. when there are two people of the same sex it makes it hard to judge which is which when we have both in one paragraph.

ahh i wanna know more. and who is "he" from the dream.


Now I know i was pretty hard on this one. I didnt mean to be, that was more constructive. youhave a great idea here. its a bit slow and awkard to start but you definately get comfortable later on and i can see some real talent shining through.
Generally the story is pretty rushed, but I would probably say thats becuase its first draft. Maybe try doing an outline so you knwo where it is going and can then play around with your chapters and lengthen them a bit.

Im pointing it out cause i tend to do that. I write a really almost rushed story, then i go through and flesh it out. So it turns out my first draft is just a really big outline. its a lot of work, im still working on using outlines, but its damn helpful and reminds me of ideas that were important , but i have forgotten sometimes.. or characters that seem to disappear after seeming so important in the beginning (me = worst offender. lol)

I look forward to reading more and finding out who "he" is and what that guy she likes really is. and oo is that girl evil?

squee!

Thanks. I try to think what a teenager does, or what I would've done. I'm not a teenager. Thanks for the critique.