Draw Near To Me Chapters 6-7

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Ok here is my next two chapters. I hope ya'll enjoy. :)

Chapter 6

My afternoon classes were perfect that day. After every class Jason was waiting for me to walk me to my next class and hugging me goodbye before I walked into the next.

Finally Jason walked me to 8th period. I hugged him bye then braced myself for what I was about to face. As soon as I sat down in my seat in Theatre Cammie and Brooke pounced.

“What happened…”

“Are ya’ll going out…”

“Tell!”

I let them get all of their rambling out before I started. “Yes we are going out.” I said hoping to close the subject. I should have known it wouldn’t be that simple.

Jesse leaned back in her seat and asked “hey Allie I didn’t get to ask you in Algebra but are you and Jason going out?”

“Yes Jesse we are.” I said answering that question for the millionth time today.

“Oh ok” Jesse said straightening up in her seat.

“Come on Allie you have to give us some details.” Brooke whined, her hazel eyes big and her lips pouting.

“Yeah come on Al.” Cammie’s voice matched Brooke’s as well as her brown eyes.

“Ok” I said giving in “we sat together in ag. I paused for dramatic effect before continuing.

“We passed notes all during class…”

“What did it say?” Cammie said interrupting me.

I looked through my bag and found the paper we had passed. I unfolded it and passed it to Cammie. Once she read it she passed it to Brooke. After Brooke finished both of them looked at me with their jaws almost hitting the ground.

I grinned in satisfaction. “Yeah so now you know what happened.” I said closing the subject.

The subject was reopened by Cammie asking “So what was that at lunch?”

“What about lunch?” I asked.

“You and him sitting by yourselves. Him not hanging out with Luke afterwards.” Cammie said in a very ‘duh!’ voice.

“Ohh that. He asked if I wanted to have lunch with him. I said, yes so that’s where he decided to sit. Afterwards I told him he could go hang out with Luke but he said he’d rather be with me.” I said hoping to close the subject.

Of course the subject wasn’t closed. For the rest of the class Cammie and Brooke asked questions and I patiently answered them. Eventually the bell rang and I made a break for it.

I went to my locker to get my purse and jacket. As I was pulling out a book I needed someone’s hands covered my eyes and it went dark. I heard a deep voice whisper “guess who” in my ear.

I turned around to get the hands off of my eyes and saw Jason’s grinning face inches away from me. He opened up his arms and hugged me. I took a deep breath, smelling his usually good cologne, and pulled away from him.

“Damn it Jason you stink!” I practically screamed.

“Not my fault. I just got out of athletics.” Jason said defensively as I let him wrap his arms around me again.

“Its ok. Umm I gotta go and catch the bus.” I said pulling away again.

“I’ll walk you to the bus.” Jason said as he grabbed my hand.

We were walking out of the building and across the grass towards the buses when Jason said “you know I could always give you a ride home.”

“Maybe another day. My grandma gets mad when I don’t ride the bus. Sorry.” I said saying no when every fiber of my being was dieing to say yes.

“Ok maybe another day.” Jason said as he hugged me goodbye. I felt his lips in my hair before he released me.


The bus ride home was uneventful. Taylor, one of my so-called ‘friends,’ was telling me about how her and her ex-boyfriend Aaron got back together. I pretended to listen when my mind was preoccupied thinking about Jason. As I was getting off the bus my cell phone rang. I grabbed it out of my back pocket and answered it.

“Hey Cammie what’s up?” I said cheerfully, nothing could ruin my mood.

“Allie something horrible has happened.” Cammie said in near hysteria.

“Cammie what happened?” I asked getting nervous.

“Allie, Jason and Will got into a bad accident. They are in the hospital and hurt bad.”

I froze as those terrible words sunk into my mind and tears started falling down my face. I found out what could ruin my mood.


Chapter 7

“Cammie what hospital are they at?” I said once I got my voice back.

“The one in Beeville.” Cammie said before she hung up choking on tears.

I all but ran to my grandma’s car. “Mee Maw you have to take me to the hospital. NOW!” I said as I slammed the door.

“Allie what happened?” My grandma’s voice was bewildered.

“I just need to get to the ER.” I said exasperated.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take an eternity. I got out of the car as soon as the car started to slow and called over my shoulder “I’ll call when I need to be picked up.” as I made a break towards the ER doors.

I ran straight to the nurse’s station and said in between breaths “I’m looking for Jason Bentley.”

“And you are?” the nurse asked looking down her nose at me.

“Allie, Allie Meadows.” I said trying to get to the point.

“Well Ms. Meadows, Mr. Bentley is in surgery right now but if you will wait we will tell you when he’s out.” The nurse said calmly. “By the way how old are you?”

“I’m fifteen.” I said matter of factly.

“What relation are you to Mr. Bentley?” The nurse questioned.

“I’m his girlfriend.” I said challenging her.

“I’m sorry Ms. Meadows but since you are not blood related we cannot release any information to you.” The nurse said turning away.

At that moment I saw a lady burst through the door that I recognized as Jason’s mom. Mrs. Bentley ran towards the nurse and started asking about Jason and Will.

I didn’t hear what the nurse told Mrs. Bentley but she walked over to a chair and sunk into it and started crying.

I walked over to her and said “Mrs. Bentley…”

“Yes” she cried as she straightened up and tried to stop crying.

“I’m Allie Meadows and I was wondering…”

“Ohh yes. Allie. Jason talks about you all the time. What can I do for you?” Mrs. Bentley said trying to appear strong.

“I was wondering if I could stay here and see Jason when he gets out of surgery?” I said timidly.

“May I ask why?” Mrs. Bentley said looking confused.

“Well umm…I really care about him and…umm…we are going out.” I said looking down at the floor.

“Oh of course you can stay here honey.” Mrs. Bentley said in a motherly way.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes until my phone started ringing breaking that silence. I answered it and heard “Allie where the hell are you?” My dad was screaming into the phone.

“Dad I’m fine. I’m at the hospital. One of my friends got into a car accident…” I saw a doctor walking towards Mrs. Bentley. “Dad I’ll call you back.” I said as I hung up my phone.

I walked over to where the doctor was talking to Mrs. Bentley. Eventually the doctor walked off and Mrs. Bentley turned to me with tears in her eyes.

“Mrs. Bentley is Jason and Will all right?” I asked very worried.

“Yes Jason is fine. He just broke his arm with a mild concussion along with some cuts and bruises. Will was hurt more seriously he is still in surgery. The doctor assured me he is going to be ok. If you want to go see Jason he is in room 224.” Mrs. Bentley said as she started crying again.

“Thank you.” I said as I ran off towards the second floor and Jason’s room.

I eventually found Jason’s room and knocked timidly. There was no answer so I gently pushed the door open and the sight I saw broke my heart. Jason was lying on the bed with needles stuck into him. He had a big gash on his forehead that was stitched up. I saw his left arm, covered in a cast, lying on top of the sheets.

I walked over to his bed and sat down on the edge of it. I couldn’t stand to see him like this. He looked so broken and he had been completely fine two hours ago. I wrapped my fingers around his good hand. I brushed a piece of his hair off of his forehead when he opened his eyes.

“I must have died because I’m in heave.” Jason said in a hoarse whisper.

“Shhh you’re fine. You didn’t die. You’re fine.” I said choking back tears.

Jason pulled his hand free of mine and wrapped his good arm around my waist. He pulled me down to his chest and cradled me there. I let the tears fall freely down my face and they dropped onto Jason’s chest.

“Jason, oh my god, I was so scared that I would never see you again. I was so scared…” I couldn’t continue.

“Shhh. Shhh. I’m here now and I’m fine.” Jason said as he rubbed my back trying to soothe me. I could here is voice breaking. I knew he was crying too.

I looked up through my tear filled eyes into Jason’s watery blue ones. I knew a new meaning of the word ‘love.’ I new who I could not live without. I knew whom I truly loved. I truly loved Jason Bentley.

Jason leaned down and kissed my forehead. When he pulled back I could see a mirror of my emotions in his eyes. I could have never predicted what happened next. I stretched up as he leaned farther down. He wrapped his good arm around my waist pulling me tighter against his chest. His lips were inches away from mine. He took a breath then kissed me on the lips. Now I was the one who was in heaven.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3




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Hi Allie, Here to review you!
POINTS OF THE REVIEW:
1)First of all, this is really fast. Your speeding through it, and we don't get to register things before you jump to the next thing. Though the emotions are good, I think if you slowed down, it would be better.
2) Second of all, this seems a little rambling. I know its hard to not do that in the first few chapters (believe me, I struggle with it as well) but after chapter 7 you really need to gain a plot. Writing a plot is hard (yet another thing I struggle with,) but here are some ways to make it eaiser.
Spoiler
this is a plot summary (all charecters and plots are for example purposes only)
ch. 1: Allie writes a plot summary
2: Allie slows down
3: Allie works on diologue tags.

see? If you do this, it helps you slow down as well.
3) you really need to work on diologue. Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad. for example:
Spoiler
"hello," she said.

do you see that comma? after every diologue if it doesn't end with a ! . ? ext. you need a comma. It may not look like you need one but, you do.
4) I know I've said this already, but SLOW down. One minute Jason is at the hospital, next minute his surgery the next their kissing. the eaisest way to fix that is to set a standered of each scene (each scene is a certain number of words)
The best one is each scene needs to be 300-700 words. And each chapter should be 1,000+ words. That is a good number, because it's long enough but not to long.
5) thoughts... Thoughts are awesome. But when their not there, it's very sad. and when they are: the MUST be in italic!!!
NITPICKS:
I'm going to use this as an example for diologue:
“Oh okcomma” Jesse said straightening up in her seat.
like I said before, you need comma's here. It may be really confusing, because it may be right after another one, but believe me, it needs to go there.

“we sat together in ag. I paused for dramatic effect before continuing.

You miss a lot of " these. (I can't remember what their called...) but your confusing us, but not making sure their all there.

LINKS FOR HELP:
Plot: viewtopic.php?t=4365
viewtopic.php?t=4885

Grammar/ Spelling : viewtopic.php?t=6669

Description: viewtopic.php?t=7134
viewtopic.php?t=5161

Diologue: viewtopic.php?t=3746
viewtopic.php?t=4000

I highly suggest you check out these links. Or even go to the Writing Tips forum ( forum11.html )

Overall:
I like this story. Please, inform me when ch.8-9 are posted!

Sorry for the harsh review
Sorry for the mis-spelled words, my spell checker isn't working.

Thanks,
Pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




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Hello there! :)

I'm going to quote all of this, and comment in it, if it's okay. My comments will be in bold, and in red, the correction.
AllieMeadows wrote:Ok here is my next two chapters. I hope ya'll enjoy. :)

Chapter 6

My afternoon classes were perfect that day. After every class comma Jason was waiting for me to walk me to my next class and hugging me goodbye before I walked into the next.

Finally Jason walked me to 8th period. I hugged him bye then braced myself for what I was about to face. Elaborate here. What did she would be facing? What is she thinking? Are her friends always like this, and it's why she was nervous? As soon as I sat down in my seat in Theatre Cammie and Brooke pounced.

“What happened…”

“Are ya’ll going out…”

“Tell!”

I let them get all of their rambling out before I started. “Yes we are going out.” Pointe told you about the comma's after the dialogue, so I'm not going to correct them all. Just go through it and correct it. :) I said comma hoping to close the subject. I should have known it wouldn’t be that simple.

Jesse leaned back in her seat and asked “hey Allie I didn’t get to ask you in Algebra but are you and Jason going out?”

“Yes Jesse comma we are.” I said comma answering that question for the millionth time today.

“Oh ok” Jesse said comma straightening up in her seat.

“Come on Allie comma you have to give us some details.” Brooke whined, her hazel eyes big and her lips pouting.

“Yeah come on Al.” Cammie’s voice matched Brooke’s as well as her brown eyes.

“Ok” I said giving in “we sat together in ag. " I paused for dramatic effect before I continued.

“We passed notes all during class…”

“What did it say?” Cammie said interrupting me.

I looked through my bag and found the paper we had passed. I unfolded it and passed it to Cammie. Once she read it she passed it to Brooke. After Brooke finished comma both of them looked at me with their jaws almost hitting the ground.

I grinned in satisfaction. “Yeah so now you know what happened.” I said comma closing the subject.

The subject was reopened by Cammie asking “So what was that at lunch?”

“What about lunch?” I asked.

“You and him sitting by yourselves. Him not hanging out with Luke afterwards.” Cammie said in a very ‘duh!’ voice. This sentence seems a little weird. I'm sure you could find some other word to characterize her voice, or the tone of it, if you'd like. Knowing, meaningful, significant voice?...

“Ohh that. He asked if I wanted to have lunch with him. I said, yes so that’s where he decided to sit. Afterwards I told him he could go hang out with Luke but he said he’d rather be with me.” I said comma hoping to close the subject.

Of course the subject wasn’t closed. For the rest of the class Cammie and Brooke asked questions and I patiently answered them. Eventually the bell rang and I made a break for it.

I went to my locker to get my purse and jacket. As I was pulling out a book I needed comma someone’s hands covered my eyes and it went dark. I heard a deep voice whisper “guess who” comma in my ear.

I turned around to get the hands off of my eyes and saw Jason’s grinning face inches away from mine. He opened up his arms and hugged me. I took a deep breath, smelling his usually good cologne, and pulled away from him.

“Damn it Jason comma you stink!” I practically screamed.

“Not my fault. I just got out of athletics.” Jason said defensively as I let him wrap his arms around me again.

“Its ok. Umm I gotta go and catch the bus.” I said pulling away again.

“I’ll walk you to the bus.” Jason said as he grabbed my hand. Doesn't he has to take the bus as well, or does he drive? Maybe you want to mention that.

We were walking out of the building and across the grass towards the buses when Jason said “you know I could always give you a ride home.”

“Maybe another day. My grandma gets mad when I don’t ride the bus. Sorry.” I said period. It was hard saying no when every fiber of my being was dieing to say yes. I changed the sentence here... Hope you like it. :)

“Ok maybe another day.” Jason said as he hugged me goodbye. I felt his lips in my hair before he released me.


The bus ride home was uneventful. Taylor, one of my so-called ‘friends,’ was telling me about how her and her ex-boyfriend Aaron got back together. I pretended to listen when my mind was preoccupied thinking about Jason. As I was getting off the bus comma my cell phone rang. I grabbed it out of my back pocket and answered it.

“Hey Cammie what’s up?” I said cheerfully, nothing could ruin my mood.

“Allie something horrible has happened.” Cammie said in near hysteria.

“Cammie what happened?” I asked comma getting nervous.

“Allie, Jason and Will got into a bad accident. They are in the hospital and hurt bad.” How does she know?

I froze as those terrible words sunk into my mind and tears started falling down my face. I found out what could ruin my mood.


Chapter 7

“Cammie what hospital are they at?” I said once I got my voice back.

“The one in Beeville.” Cammie said before she hung up comma choking on tears.

I all but ran to my grandma’s car. “Mee Maw you have to take me to the hospital. NOW!” I said as I slammed the door.

“Allie what happened?” My grandma’s voice was bewildered.

“I just need to get to the ER.” I said comma exasperated.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take an eternity. I got out of the car as soon as the car started to slow down and called over my shoulder “I’ll call when I need to be picked up.” as I made a break towards the ER doors.

I ran straight to the nurse’s station and said in between breaths “I’m looking for Jason Bentley.”

“And you are?” the nurse asked comma looking down her nose at me.

“Allie, Allie Meadows.” I said comma trying to get to the point.

“Well Ms. Meadows, Mr. Bentley is in surgery right now but if you will wait we will tell you when he’s out.” The nurse said calmly. “By the way how old are you?”

“I’m fifteen.” I said matter of factually.

“What relation are you to Mr. Bentley?” The nurse questioned.

“I’m his girlfriend.” I said comma challenging her.

“I’m sorry Ms. Meadows but since you are not blood related comma we cannot release any information to you.” The nurse said comma turning away.

At that moment I saw a lady burst through the door that I recognized as Jason’s mom. Mrs. Bentley ran towards the nurse and started asking about Jason and Will.

I didn’t hear what the nurse told Mrs. Bentley but she walked over to a chair and sunk into it and started crying.

I walked over to her and said “Mrs. Bentley…”

“Yes” she cried as she straightened up and tried to stop crying.

“I’m Allie Meadows and I was wondering…”

“Ohh yes. Allie. Jason talks about you all the time. What can I do for you?” Mrs. Bentley said trying to appear strong.

“I was wondering if I could stay here and see Jason when he gets out of surgery?” I said timidly.

“May I ask why?” Mrs. Bentley said looking confused.

“Well umm…I really care about him and…umm…we are going out.” I said looking down at the floor.

“Oh of course you can stay here honey.” Mrs. Bentley said in a motherly way.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes until my phone started ringing comma breaking that silence. I answered it and heard comma “Allie where the hell are you?” My dad was screaming into the phone.

“Dad I’m fine. I’m at the hospital. One of my friends got into a car accident…” I saw a doctor walking towards Mrs. Bentley. “Dad I’ll call you back.” I said as I hung up my phone.

I walked over to where the doctor was talking to Mrs. Bentley. Eventually the doctor walked off and Mrs. Bentley turned to me with tears in her eyes.

“Mrs. Bentley are Jason and Will all right?” I asked very worried.

“Yes Jason is fine. He just broke his arm with a mild concussion along with some cuts and bruises. Will was hurt more seriously he is still in surgery. The doctor assured me he is going to be ok. If you want to go see Jason he is in room 224.” Mrs. Bentley said as she started crying again.

“Thank you.” I said as I ran off towards the second floor and Jason’s room.

I eventually found Jason’s room and knocked timidly. There was no answer so I gently pushed the door open and the sight I saw broke my heart. Jason was lying on the bed with needles stuck into him. He had a big gash on his forehead that was stitched up. I saw his left arm, covered in a cast, lying on top of the sheets.

I walked over to his bed and sat down on the edge of it. I couldn’t stand to see him like this. He looked so broken and he had been completely fine two hours ago. I wrapped my fingers around his good hand. I brushed a piece of his hair off of his forehead when he opened his eyes.

“I must have died because I’m in heaven.” Jason said in a hoarse whisper. This is... Corny? ;) And you make it seem like he's on the verge of dying, or in coma or something, when in fact, he only broke his arm and has some cuts and bruises...

“Shhh you’re fine. You didn’t die. You’re fine.” I said comma choking back tears.

Jason pulled his hand free of mine and wrapped his good arm around my waist. He pulled me down to his chest and cradled me there. I let the tears fall freely down my face and they dropped onto Jason’s chest.

“Jason, oh my god, I was so scared that I would never see you again. I was so scared…” I couldn’t continue.

“Shhh. Shhh. I’m here now and I’m fine.” Jason said as he rubbed my back comma trying to soothe me. I could here is voice breaking. I knew he was crying too.

I looked up through my tear filled eyes into Jason’s watery blue ones. I knew a new meaning of the word ‘love.’ I knew who I could not live without. I knew whom I truly loved. I truly loved Jason Bentley.

Jason leaned down and kissed my forehead. When he pulled back I could see a mirror of my emotions in his eyes. I could have never predicted what happened next. I stretched up as he leaned farther down. He wrapped his good arm around my waist pulling me tighter against his chest. His lips were inches away from mine. He took a breath then kissed me on the lips. Now I was the one who was in heaven.


Like Pointe said, you need to slow down. And I would recommend strongly you read your work out loud before posting it. I don't know I said it before, but it's the best way to catch the little mistakes that you have made. And also, it helps with the punctuation mistakes, which is pretty much all of the mistakes you do... You are lacking a lot of comma's. Make sure you correct that. Also, the story is coming along great, and I'm looking forward to reading more, but I fail at seeing what extra plot line you have put into this. Maybe this is coming in a chapter that's coming up? I hope so. :)

Great job and keep it up!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Hi!
Awww that was very bittersweet.
But I kinda feel that it is going to fast, I mean we don't really know much about Jason right now.
You did a wonderful job but I do wish that you would give us a little more info about Jason and go a little slower.
Good job!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love




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i love the emotions. overall the chapters were really good and interesting, i wont repeat what is already said. so in short keep up the good work......:-) :-)



Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"