Dreams Tell Lies - Preface

Spoiler

This is the old preface! Please do not review The new one is here topic80183.html Thank you!!

Preface:

I'd never been scared of death. The thought of it didn't frighten me or keep me up at night. I couldn't see the rationality behind obsessing over it, it would happen when the time was right and I was ready.
Death itself seemed peaceful, like falling asleep after a very long day, but that one second, the second between life and death, was what I found sickening. In a way I found the idea of suffering surreal, but there was no possible way for it to be dreamt up by your own imagination.
During that split second, time must seem to stop and the world would disappear. You would trapped and you couldn’t escape it. It would seem like an eternity.
Always expecting the final breath to come to your lips, but never arriving.
There was no way out of this inevitability.
It was like fate, a death wish.

Welcome to YWS!

This is really good. It definitely captured my attention.

This is a little short, but it's better that way.

I hope you continue with this. PM me when you post more of it, if you ever have a question, if you want advice, or even if you just want to chat

Wow very impressive Kind of powerful for such a short piece. Only problems:

IcyFlame wrote:. In a way I found it surreal

it then goes on to say;

IcyFlame wrote:It would seem like an eternity

First you are saying it as if it had happened to you and then you say it like you are imagining it.
Other than that i really liked it

Thanks guys!
I'm new here so have do to a few more reviews before posting the next chapter.
^ I changed the surreal part to the idea was surreal, does this make more sense now?
More has been written but I'm not sure whether to post it now or wait until the chapter is longer, its only about a page so far but I'm not sure how to extend it.
Thanks again

This was great! I wish you had written a little more so I could get a more detailed picture of what you were trying to convey, but that's all okay because it's just the preface. Can't wait to read more.

Hey Icy, I told you I'd read your story and here I am! Sorry it's taken me a bit.

Okay, so good start; very short, though, and with a post like this next time you might just want to include it with your first chapter, just so that the flow of reading the preface and moving on to the next part won't be so divided.

I really like the character's attitude toward death; however, how do they know everything they're explaining about the final moments? Have they experienced it before? Have they had it explained to them? Or is this all conjecture, just what they imagine it'll be like? If so, then I'd suggest putting a little disclaimer in there; saying something like "I believe it's going to be..." or something that will show that it's what they're imagining death to be like.

I also didn't quite get that last sentence: "Like fate, a death wish." What are you comparing to fate? The death wish? How does it relate, exactly? I just didn't find it to be very clear.

Okay, so that's all! I'm off to the next chapter. (:

So, as you requested a review for chapter two, I think it may be more appropriate to start with the preface and just take it from there.

I'd never been scared of death. The thought of it didn't frighten me or keep me up at night. I couldn't see the rationality behind obsessing over it; it would happen when the time was right and I was ready.
Death itself seemed peaceful, like falling asleep after a very long day, but that one second, the second between life and death, was what I found sickening. In a way I found the idea surreal, but there was no possible way for it to be dreamt up by your own imagination. What? This second part of the sentence doesn't make sense.
During that split second, time seems to stop and the world disappears. You're trapped and you can't escape it. It would seem like an eternity. Okay, so how exactly does he/she know all this? Is he/she, like, a ghost or something?
Always expecting the final breath to come fromto your lips, but never coming arriving.
Like fate, a death wish. Uh...what? No idea what your trying to say by this.

Okay, so there's always an advantage to a piece being short, but the ideas here seem really halted. Expand on it a little. Also, prefaces are usually meant to provide some insight into the story that would normally have been omitted in the chapters. I don't see how this provides insight of any kind. I think this would fit more appropriately as a very short piece of writing by itself. You really don't need to give it the title of "preface" just for the satisfaction of having a preface. You don't even need one, anyway. So, yeah. Just a categorization issue.

Good work, anyway. I shall review the next chapters soon.

-Kafka

Wow. I really liked this. It's short, but it's supposed to be, I'm definatly going to read and review chapter one, as I like this one very much. Well done, and keep it up!

That was good for a preface/prolouge. I like the way you seemed to capture what everyone feels, Because I think everyone feels that way about death. We spend a lifetime waiting for it, and in that brief second between life and death we feel suspended. We expect to take that next breath to come but it never does.

It was a good protrayal, and a good start. The way you wrote it, it's not like I'm thinking it, but that I'm living it. I read a lot, and I read very few passages that get me like yours did. You truly have a gift. However, (yeah, I know there's always a however) some of the sentance structures didn't make sense to me. Matbe it's just me, but you might want to work on it anyway. My mom always says that no matter how good you are there's always room for improvement.

Heya, Icy!

I can't apologise enough for getting to this so late. I hope you don't mind too much. Okay, so this is a pretty short piece. Because of that, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to give you advice on, but I'll try my best. If you have any questions about this review when I'm done, just let me know!

I'd never been scared of death.

Okay, the first line. It's interesting, but it's not the most original thing I've ever seen. I have to be honest and say that this kind of reminds me of Twilight actually. That starts with a reference to death, if I remember correctly. There's nothing hugely wrong with that, but it does add to the cliché feel the first line has. Admittedly, I am being a bit too picky here, but because this is such a little piece, I can't help myself, hehe. I'm not saying you have to change the opening of this entirely, but maybe you could change some things around so that the first line is a bit more... unusual, I guess.

Overall, I liked this preface. You had some really interesting lines in here, and it definitely makes me want to know what will happen next and what this novel will be about. Speaking of that, what is this novel about exactly? It's bothering me a little that I can't really even make guesses to as of what the novel is about by the preface. I'm not saying you need to make the entire plot clear or anything, but I'd like a few hints to as of what the novel's main focus is. The title hints at dreams, obviously, and the preface concentrates on death, but that doesn't really help me much.

That critique is more of a personal thing though really. Some people like prefaces like this that don't give much away at all, and others like to have at least some hints. Personally, I'd like for you to give us more hints, but like I said, others may disagree with me. Basically, it's up to you, but I definitely think you should consider it.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello! It's been awhile since I have reviewed anything and it will be short as I am using my iPhone :/

Here it goes:

It was a very well written short piece, prefaces are not usually my thing but this one just draws you in! Very well done! There are a few grammar issues that can easily be fixed and I respectfully disagree with the others the beginning is quite intriguing!
I liked how you did not give anythig away, I hate it when writers give too much information about a characters back story or just too much histoy it defeats the purpose of reading the book! Keep up with what you are doing! Let the story unfold as it needs to, and follow your fingers! Even if they take you to....unsettling places they always have a plan and hate being boxed in by an outline!
Have fun! And keep writing!

KJ

Hey there!

First, I want to ask you, do you really need a prologue? Most people don't like them, and it's a common fact that unless they're done really well, they can be a bit of a turn off for agents/editors if you want to publish this. See, prologues rarely add anything to the story that cannot be given in the chapters, and they prolong the start of the actual book, which is why we're reading.

And while this one is nice and fairly intriguing, it doesn't have the punch a prologue needs to be successful. I don't know how chapter one starts, but most times prologues can be either renumbered to be chapter one or morphed into the actual chapter, if they are necessary.

So yeah, there's my rant on prologues. Now I guess I'll get around to actually reviewing the writing. =3

Firstly, this is a solely technical thing: you don't have the paragraphs spaced. Not a huge thing, but reading unspaced things can be a bit of a hassle. You can click "edit", scroll down to something along the lines of "format settings" and go from "default" to "story" - that should space them for you nice and easy.

Okay, so sorry for starting off with such... mechanical things. Let's get on to the writing itself, shall we?

(I never quote the entire work, but I figured with something so short, it'd be easier.)

I'd never been scared of death. <- Like someone said, not the most catching line. But if you twisted it a bit, it could be (like, "It wasn't being dead that scared me; it was the act of dieing." Bad example, but the point is, you need to punch character into each of these words for this to work effectively - make it unique to your character.) The thought of it didn't frighten me or keep me up at night. I couldn't see the rationality behind obsessing over it; it would happen when the time was right and I was ready.

We've heard all of this before. It sounds like the "there's a time for everything" funeral service - not bad, and yes comforting, but nothing gripping. I'd say, either rewrite this first paragraph to individualize her views more, or simply fix the first line and send it on its merry way to the next paragraph.

Death itself seemed peaceful, like falling asleep after a very long day ; or - I think changing the punctuation to give it a pause would greatly increase the impact of this sentence. but that one second, the second between life and death, was what I found sickening. In a way I found the idea of suffering surreal, but there was no possible way This is the second time you ujse "way" in this sentence - repeating words isn't good. It's bad. Switch them up. for it to be dreamt up by your own imagination.

I don't really understand this last sentence. I'm not sure you're using "surreal" how it's supposed to - do you mean that you imagine the pain would be a lot, but you couldn't know until you were there? Because "surreal" goes more along the lines of "dream-like" or "numbed".

During that split second, time must seem to stop and the world would disappear. You would be trapped and you couldn’t escape it. It would seem like an eternity.

This sentence is a bit wordy. I'd cut it down. I underlined the parts I thought could be reduced, though this is your writing and you have to make such decisions with your own judgment in mind.

Always expecting the final breath to come to your lips, but never arriving.

There was no way out of this inevitability.

It was like fate, a death wish.

I like how you end this.

Okay, so this is pretty good, though I'm still not sure how necessary. Keep what I said in mind and you should be in pretty good shape.

loveness, ultraviolet <3