The Boy and His Moon

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The Boy and His Moon

The moon is hanging from a string.
It is really very simple, you see. I woke up this morning and looked out my window, caked with the dust of the city. I let in the dank air, and my small bedroom immediately smelled of asphalt and car fumes. I could hear a siren in the distance, and Mrs. Cabbage's dog, Trudy, was barking up a storm next door, as usual. The world around me kept on going, kept on running, but I halted in my tracks.
A short distance away from my apartment complex, there is a construction site, though no construction has taken place there for more than a year. It is an abandoned project. The lot is vacant with the exception of a large concrete foundation and a crane of some sort.
The crane is tall and thin, and a horizontal bar is attached to it. Attached to the bar is a string, and attached to the string is a hook, probably used to lift heavy pieces of metal or wood.
Today, though, the crane is holding the moon.
It is early morning, and the moon remains visible, its nightly glow fading gradually as the sun peeks over the darkness. It hangs suspended from the hook of the crane, taking the last few moments of the night in. The moon looks relaxed, maybe a bit sad, even, as it looks out over the empty, incomplete construction site.
I am puzzled. Why would someone be keeping the moon on a string? Who would do such a selfish thing?
I then think of the only person who could possibly do this. He is the only one I know of who goes to the construction site. The boy.
He has dirty, ripped jeans and a white t-shirt, a dirty sweatshirt almost always tied around his waist. On particularly cold nights, he wraps the thing around his shoulders for warmth, but even from my window I can see that the material is thin, and he shivers through the night.
Sometimes, I see the boy picking through Mrs. Cabbage's trash barrels seated at the end of her narrow drive. He rarely ever gets anything, though, because Trudy barks loudly enough for all of New York City to hear.
One morning, just as I was getting ready for school, the boy came and picked at our trash bins. I hurried down the stairs and sneaked another apple into the brown paper bag that held my lunch. Walking outside, I handed it to him. I could see the hunger in his eyes and the way they lit up a bit at the sight of fresh food.
“I know you've been looking through the trash,” I say, “but that's not very good food. Take this.”
Wordlessly, the boy flashed his piercing hazel eyes into mine, then left with the apple clutched tightly in his bony hands.
Besides the times when I see him picking through dumpsters, I usually spot the boy in the abandoned construction site. He sits up against the crane, eating whatever he's scavenged that day. I also noticed that when a siren sounds close to our neighborhood, the boy hides behind the foundation, as if not wanting to be seen. I'm sure he knows that if the police were to find him, they'd take him to an orphanage or arrange for a foster home. Apparently, he'd rather live hungry.
I do not view the boy as selfish. But, he is keeping the moon in his territory, all to himself, tied up and prisoner to him. This somewhat angers me, somewhat fascinates me. I decide then and there to confront him about it.
I slip into my navy blue school jumper and tie a red ribbon in my tangled brown hair. I squeeze my feet into the worn black shoes that crunch my toes, then grab my backpack and lunch off the kitchen counter. I give Mom a kiss goodbye, and when she asks why I'm leaving early, I tell her I'm going to Mrs. Cabbage's for a bit.
I enter the construction yard, seeing no sign of the boy. The little belongings he has must be held at his side, because I see nothing to indicate even his existence. Maybe he's already out looking for food.
“Who's there?” I hear from the shadow of the foundation, making me jump. I wasn't expecting to hear anyone.
“Um, it's me, I mean Lilly, from across the street. I um, uh, well, I just have a question.” I was stuttering now. Just get to the point. Just say what you need to say.
The boy then emerged from the foundation, looking relieved that it was only a second grade girl with a hair ribbon and lunch bag rather than a muscular cop with handcuffs and a pistol.
“I was just wondering, why are you keeping the moon on a string?”
The boy looked immediately puzzled, amused even.
“What in the world are you talking about, little girl?” he responded. I guessed he was about fifteen, and it annoyed me that he called me “little girl.” I crossed my arms defiantly over my chest and narrowed my eyes.
“That string up there, on the crane. The moon is hanging from it. Why are you keeping it there?” I asked, pointing to the obvious.
And then, the boy started to laugh.
His face lit up, breaking into the biggest grin I had ever seen. He had deep, round dimples imprinted into his sunken cheeks, and his chapped lips were curved upward, little breath escaping them because he was laughing so hard. It made me even angrier.
“What are you laughing about?” I ask him furiously. He wipes a tear from his eye and calms down, then comes over to me and grips my shoulders, bending down to my level. I scowl.
“I'm laughing. No one has ever, ever made me laugh. Ever! You like to laugh, don't you?”
I do like to laugh. I nod.
“Well, so do I. And you just made me laugh. That was the best thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“It was?” I ask, unsure. It wasn't even meant to be funny!
He chuckles a bit more. “Yes, it sure was. And you know what? You're right. I am being selfish. Would you like to help me set the moon free?”
“Yes, yes, I would!” I respond excitedly.
He slaps his palms on his knees, down from my shoulders and stands upright.
“Alright, then. Let's go,” he says.
He helps me climb the ladder alongside the crane. I am afraid at first, because it is very tall, but the boy helps me. When we reach the top, there the moon sits, attached to the rope far out on the beam. It is way, way out of reach. My heart sinks, knowing we will not be able to remove it.
“But, how will we do it? We can't reach that,” I ask the boy.
“Oh, that's the easy part. It was much harder to get it up there. All you have to do is take one deep breath and blow the string as hard as you can. Wait until tonight, and the moon will have released itself and moved a bit because of your breath.”
I look at him quizzically. “Are you sure?” I ask.
“Positive,” says the boy.
So I do. I gulp a big breath of stinky city air and blow the moon as hard as I possibly can. And nothing happens, just as the boy said.
“You just wait until tonight, little girl, and the moon will have moved. And then tomorrow night, it will have moved some more. And each night, it will move again.”
I thank the boy and leave him, going to school. That night, I look out my dusty window once again and am shocked to see that the boy was right. The moon did move. The moon was free. And it was all because of my breath.
I smile, looking at its partially round, lit face. I blow it a little kiss, and wave, letting it know that I am happy it is free. I then see a movement near the foundation. It is the boy, waving back. I giggle and wave to him.
Each night, the moon moves a bit more. It is slow, but steady, and I notice that once or twice a month the boy captures it on the string, just for a night or two. But, that is okay, I think. The moon is his friend. I am also his friend because every night when I wave to the moon, I wave to the boy, too.
"Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid;
it's being terrified, but you jump anyway."
~Taylor Swift

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens." ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Love.Love.Love.<3




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Great job! keep up the good work! I enjoyed this very much




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'Allo! I see you're new, so firstly I'd like to just say a quick welcome. If you need any help getting around the site or anything let me know. ^_^ That said, I'll now get onto the review. Just to warn you, I might be a little harsh at times but if I am it's just because I want to help. I really liked this piece, so if I come off as mean I'm not trying! First, I'll point out a few "nit-picks," or small issues that I'd like to bring to your attention, then I'll get on to the more major comments.

Sometimes, I see the boy picking through Mrs. Cabbage's trash barrels seated at the end of her narrow drive.
I think you mean that the trash barrels are seated at the end of the drive, but the way it's worded almost makes it sound like the boy is the one who's seated. I like the image of trash barrels being "seated" but I don't think you want it to seem like the boy is seated. I'm sure you could think of some way to "fix" this confusion, but one easy way might be to just delete "seated."

Besides the times when I see him picking through dumpsters, I usually spot the boy in the abandoned construction site.
I'm not sure if there's anything technically wrong with this sentence (though I think there might be), but it sounds awkward to me anyway. Maybe make it something more like "From what I've seen, when he's not picking through dumpsters, he is usually in the abandoned construction site." or "Whenever I've spotted him, he's either been picking through dumpsters or [verb]ing in the abandoned construction side." Hm... that's still not that great, is it? I recommend you play with it a little bit. And try reading it out loud--that will help you find the awkward bits.

He sits up against the crane, eating whatever he's scavenged that day.
That makes it seem like whenever she sees him in the construction site, he's eating... but he probably wouldn't have food all the time, so maybe think of some other examples of things for him to do? It's up to you, though.

This somewhat angers me, somewhat fascinates me. I decide then and there to confront him about it.
There are two things I'd like to say about this. 1) These two sentences sort of break the "little kid" voice because they sound more mature, to me anyway. 2) "then and there" is in the past tense, but your piece is in the present tense, so you might want to say "here and now."

The little belongings he has must be held at his side, because I see nothing to indicate even his existence.
I think technically that should be "few belongings" (saying "little belongings" means that the belongings he has are small) but since this is a conversationally-written piece, you don't have to change that if you don't want to--I just thought I'd point it out. Also, I think the "even" should be before the "indicate" not after it: "...because I see nothing to even indicate his existence." Once again, though, this part seems a little too sophisticated for the childish voice you're trying to develop.

He slaps his palms on his knees, down from my shoulders and stands upright.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Do you mean he took his hands from her shoulder to his knees? If so, isn't that a kind of roundabout way of saying it? Maybe try: "His hands slip down from my shoulders and slap his knees, before he stands up." Or something like that? I don't know--I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say, so I can't really give you a good suggestion.
---------------------------------

Overall, that was really sweet. It's a simple story, a childish story, but a well-told story. It doesn't make me laugh, or cry, but it makes me smile. It's not particularly realistic (for reasons I'll go into below) but it's touching and I can imagine it as a children's book. Not a stupid board book, but one of those tasteful children's books with watercolor illustrations, you know? The kind I liked when I was little--the kind I still like. ^_^ Well done!

I do, however, have a few minor complaints. Don't feel obliged to change all of them, because I don't expect you to; it's your story, I'm just here to tell you everything I can think of about it so you can take it all into consideration (or not).

The first thing I want to address is the voice. I can tell you wanted to make it sound childish, and for the most part you did very well with that. There are a few moments where she sounds a bit too mature, in my opinion (I pointed out some of them in the nit-picks section of the review) but for the most part you pulled it off very well. One thing you have to watch out for is the "I do this, I think that, I feel this, I see that" kind of narrative. It's really easy to slip into that when you're writing in first person present tense (especially when you're trying for a "simple" sounding voice) but just watch out for it and make sure you keep switching around your sentence structures to keep it from getting like that. Another thing is that yes, she sounds young, but... maybe a bit too young. I think you may want to consider her age a little more carefully. She says she's in 2nd grade, so that means she's probably 7 or 8 years old. But she's allowed outside in New York City by herself (which makes me think she's older than that) and she also thinks the moon is on a string (which makes me think she's younger than that). Maybe you could actually make her younger, and change the setting to a more child-friendly place? It might make more sense for her to be younger anyway, since she seems so innocent and illusionary.

While I'm talking about here character, there are a few more things I'd like to bring up about it. One thing is that she has an impressive sense of perspective. By that I mean, she notices the grime in the air, and the dust on the windows and she knows it's from the city. This suggests to me that she hasn't lived there all her life. I lived in New York for six weeks last summer, and I noticed the grime, but only because I wasn't used to it. I'm not saying New Yorkers don't notice the filth, but I just don't think the little kids do. Or if they notice it, they don't think of it as "the grime of the city" they just think of it as "grime." You know what I mean? Having her talk about the air being dirty because it's in the city makes it seem like she's not used to it, but from everything else I can tell about her character, it seems like she's lived in the city for her whole life. Just something to consider. Also, why did Lilly lie to her mother? I can guess at why (she didn't want her to be worried/mad, maybe?) but you never say why. All too often in fiction, children lie to their parents and don't tell them what they're actually doing and I guess there's nothing really wrong with that (just a personal pet peeve of mine) but it needs to have a reason. Otherwise it seems like you're just having her be secretive by default.

Now onto the character of the boy. I liked him! I'm not sure how realistic he is, but I think he's great anyway. You may want to make Lilly a little more scared/disgusted by him (I assume he probably smells pretty bad and stuff like that) but you don't have to add that if you don't want to. My biggest issue with him is this: why would he ask "who's there?" if he was hiding? If it was a police officer, wouldn't he want to stay quiet and hope they didn't notice him? You make him relieved to see Lilly, as though he really was expecting the police, so it seems unrealistic to me that he would start the conversation. He also seems unnaturally friendly to Lilly... but that might just be his personality. *shrug*

One little thing you should probably look at is that you switch tenses. Most of it is in present tense, but from the time he says "who's there?" to the time she's stuttering, it's in past tense. Admittedly, that's only a few lines, but it should be fixed anyway. ^_^

Other than that, the only thing I can think of to say is that the moon moves. It doesn't just move night by night, but it also moves minute by minute. Meaning, if she looked at 7 o'clock, it might be on the string, but by 7:30 or 8 o'clock it would definitely have moved. I don't mean to burst your bubble, though, since this was a sweet story and I really liked the idea... but that part was very unrealistic.

Well that's about it! Once again, I hope you don't get offended or anything... I'm only trying to help. ^_^ Plus, I really did like the piece--most of my suggestions are just that: suggestions. Take 'em or leave 'em. If you have any questions about my review or about the site in general, please feel free to send me a PM or write on my wall.

I hope this helps!

a




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Hello there!

I think that this is really good solid story. I agree with Azila, this is very good for young children.

Really sweet and full of fun, (if the truth has been bended) But hey, are kids going to care?

I myself believed, (in first grade) that the moon and sun moved and the world stayed still.

Well done.

~ T.K
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato




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Thank you all for the warm welcomes, flattering comments and helpful reviews! I will definitely take a new look at this piece with your constructive criticism in mind and revise some things. Again, thank you! :)
"Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid;
it's being terrified, but you jump anyway."
~Taylor Swift

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens." ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Love.Love.Love.<3




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Oh. My. Gosh. This is quite possibly the best story I have read on here. Not only is it well-written, but it has so many other things going for it. Allow me to discuss them.

1. The narrator

I have to respectfully disagree with Azila. The voice is mature, yes, but look at it in this way: the thoughts of children are nowhere near as simple and shallow as their speech. They may lack the logic and reasoning capabilities of adults, but they are extremely sensitive and highly aware of the world around them. That is, their thoughts and feelings are just as complex as those of their elders. I have no problem believing that a child is using this language and these observations, because they represent consciousness rather than actual speech. The innocence of your MC, combined with her unique way of looking at things, made her very appealing.

2. The detail

Your descriptions are very good, and I really like the rich sensory detail. A good example of this is the first couple of paragraphs.

The moon is hanging from a string.
It is really very simple, you see. I woke up this morning and looked out my window, caked with the dust of the city. I let in the dank air, and my small bedroom immediately smelled of asphalt and car fumes. I could hear a siren in the distance, and Mrs. Cabbage's dog, Trudy, was barking up a storm next door, as usual. The world around me kept on going, kept on running, but I halted in my tracks.
A short distance away from my apartment complex, there is a construction site, though no construction has taken place there for more than a year. It is an abandoned project. The lot is vacant with the exception of a large concrete foundation and a crane of some sort.
The crane is tall and thin, and a horizontal bar is attached to it. Attached to the bar is a string, and attached to the string is a hook, probably used to lift heavy pieces of metal or wood.
Today, though, the crane is holding the moon.
It is early morning, and the moon remains visible, its nightly glow fading gradually as the sun peeks over the darkness. It hangs suspended from the hook of the crane, taking the last few moments of the night in. The moon looks relaxed, maybe a bit sad, even, as it looks out over the empty, incomplete construction site.


This section is wonderful. I could almost smell the asphalt!
Your use of setting and atmosphere throughout the story is particularly appealing: the juxtaposition of the desolate construction site and the highly industrialized city with the moon and the little girl with ribbons in her hair. This is brilliant. It makes her innocence and frailty all the more resonating. Even the dirty, ragged boy seems pure and vulnerable alongside the cold steel and noxious fumes of the city. Which leads me to another thing I liked. . . .

3. The boy

I totally fell in love with this guy within five minutes. Actually, when I first started reading, I pictured him being a lot younger, like maybe closer to the girl's age; but when he turned out to be a teenager, I could relate to him more. His situation in the story is pretty heart-wrenching, but he doesn't come off as a tragic character, but rather as a sweet, slightly lonely boy whose heart still hasn't been hardened by all the time he's spent fending for himself. The few paragraphs that he shares with the little girl are, in my opinion, the highlight of the story.

So, I really don't have much to nitpick here. Well, maybe two little things. First, you only use one actual name in the story: Mrs. Cabbage. The lack of names here is a very good technique; it gives the piece a sort of dreamlike feel. Therefore, the one name seems out of place. If you were to just call her "the woman next door" or whatever, it would fit better. Second, I never could quite figure out what was actually going on with the moon. At first I thought that maybe it was some giant, round, white object hanging from the crane; but then when the MC says it moves each night, that sounds like the phases of the actual moon, which obviously couldn't have been hanging from the string. Perhaps it's just my dumb-blondeness, but this perplexed me a little. :?

But, all in all, I thought this story was splendiferous. I agree with Azila, this would make an amazing children's book! I bet it would call for some beautiful illustrations too. So congratulations on writing a wonderful story, and making my life that much happier!

~Warrior Princess
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.




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Wow. I'm so shocked and ecstatic that you liked the story so much! When it's published, you're getting the dedication.(:
Haha! But seriously, thank you so much. You have no idea how much flattering comments like those mean to someone as amateur an author as I am! You seriously made my day.

Also, I appreciate the constructive criticism. I actually really appreciate your keen observation of the dream-like feel to the story, and I think you're completely right - Mrs. Cabbage shouldn't have a name (though I did like her name!). Now that I think about it more in detail and keeping in mind what you said, I totally think you're right. I'm going to emit her name!

Finally, you were right. I was referring to the phases of the moon, and how it moves a bit each night. On the morning when the girl wakes up, she looks out her window across the street to the construction site. The moon appears in the sky directly under the towering crane's hook, so it appears as though it is hanging from the string. Is it too confusing, do you think?

Again, thank you all for your criticism and comments. It is much appreciated!
"Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid;
it's being terrified, but you jump anyway."
~Taylor Swift

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens." ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Love.Love.Love.<3




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This was amazing. Amazing, amazing. I loved the idea of the moon hanging by a string; it was such an original thought on your part. :) Also, I think I am in love with this boy. You write so well, and I'm looking forward to reading your other stories!




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I love this story! It's cute and lovable and full of imagination, like a childhood story you would tell a child before they go to bed. It must be inspireing to a young child, I like that. Never stop writing! Your really good!
-Ruth




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Hello again Fearless! Once again, I apologize for how long it's taken me to get to your review. >.<

The last review I wrote for you, I gave you nitpicks, but seeing as that's already been done here, I can skip that part and move onto my favorite. Concept.

Right away, I'm going to tell you that I've only read two of your pieces before, and I'm already a fan. This story was fantastic, and it had me smiling and chuckling the whole way through. The plot was brilliant - and your characters were simple in their way, but I loved them both. (I didn't even have much time to get to know them - that, my friend, takes some skill.)

I'm not quite sure what to say about this, other than that - and it'll probably be mostly me gushing praise. (Everybody's picked out the negative-typed-things already, I feel empty-handed here. xD)

Anyways: I'll just end the review a little earlier than I like to end my reviews and say that you are an incredible writer, and I'd love to know how you get your ideas, because they are absolutely fantastic.

And, one last thing:

Reading both of these stories has totally inspired me to write a few new short stories. xD I just hope I can be as creative as you are here.

Thanks again for the request, and even more-so for the read!
~~Ish
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?



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